Our son, who is 17 yrs old, has his first girlfriend. He has not felt they (girls) were worth cutting into his time before he met this one.

We've always been very realistic and open with him about life, sex, relationships etc..etc..

We bought some condoms today and I'm just going to put them in his bedroom and mention it.

If you have older teens, what have you done?

I can say I'm really glad we've always been really open about this topic. I am not of the mentality that if we don't talk about sex, and tell him not to do it, that he won't do it....that is how we get teenaged parents IMHO. :rolleyes: (and his cousin who is only one year older just got a 15 year old pregnant!!! There goes all his plans.....really sad situation)

Anyway, how did you handle the topic? My girls are still not even interested in boys. (age 14 and age 12) But we are raising them the same with the open communication.

Michelle

It sounds like a good plan to me. Since you say you already have open communication, then you have probably covered these topics, but the important things I want to impart to my son are that

1) NO MEANS NO, always, no matter when it is said, and even "maybe" or "I don't know" isn't a YES. I am going to be pretty blunt with my son - if you coerce or force someone, it is rape, even if they eventually capitulate - if they felt forced into it, you can be charged, not to mention it is morally wrong of course. So that is going to be clear as crystal.

2)I want to discuss with him also that women can view sex differently than men, especially teenage girls. I know it is a stereotype to say that boys don't have emotion tied to it, so I won't say that, but I think for girls on average, they are more emotional and want comittment more etc. So I would encourage him to talk to her if they are thinking about it and make sure they both know what it means to the other, to avoid hurt feelings and heartaches later on.

3) I would want to make sure he knows to use protection EVERY time, that condoms and every other method can and do fail. Those 96% or 98% effectiveness ratings on bc are when it was used perfectly 100% of the time and it STILL failed. Stress the importance of understanding that he still could get someone pregnant or get an STD, so he must weigh that decision before having sex. He should also NEVER trust a girl that she is on the pill or has otherwise taken care of the bc (she could be lying or using it incorrectly, and it will NOT protect him against STD's of course).

4)I would stress the importance of not drinking or using drugs, and one reason is, they can impair decision making about using bc and having sex, when he may not have wanted to.

5)I would say, I would 100 times rather you be having sex and using protection EVERY time without exception, even if you need me to buy it for you, than for you to be afraid to ask me, and get someone pregnant or get an std.

6) I would probably have a demo with a condoms and a bannana and have my son show me how to put it on properly, leaving enough room in the tip etc.. Sounds embarrassing, but I will do it. During this little demo I would go over other rules of use, like never reusing one (even if it slips off during sex, get out a new one), how the pullout method doesn't work, how preseminal fluid can have sperm etc.

well done i think youve done the right thing,, my eldest is 15 and still boyfriend free when things change i would have no problem getting her the pill,, i hope this wont be for some time yet

very good practical discussion starters mamajosie.

I've always been very open in discussion sex and birth control, however, I have not been explicit like above. Now I can see that if I don't give them that information, there's no guarantee they'd know that information. Time for some talks this week!

It sounds like a good plan to me. Since you say you already have open communication, then you have probably covered these topics, but the important things I want to impart to my son are that

1) NO MEANS NO, always, no matter when it is said, and even "maybe" or "I don't know" isn't a YES. I am going to be pretty blunt with my son - if you coerce or force someone, it is rape, even if they eventually capitulate - if they felt forced into it, you can be charged, not to mention it is morally wrong of course. So that is going to be clear as crystal.

2)I want to discuss with him also that women can view sex differently than men, especially teenage girls. I know it is a stereotype to say that boys don't have emotion tied to it, so I won't say that, but I think for girls on average, they are more emotional and want comittment more etc. So I would encourage him to talk to her if they are thinking about it and make sure they both know what it means to the other, to avoid hurt feelings and heartaches later on.

3) I would want to make sure he knows to use protection EVERY time, that condoms and every other method can and do fail. Those 96% or 98% effectiveness ratings on bc are when it was used perfectly 100% of the time and it STILL failed. Stress the importance of understanding that he still could get someone pregnant or get an STD, so he must weigh that decision before having sex. He should also NEVER trust a girl that she is on the pill or has otherwise taken care of the bc (she could be lying or using it incorrectly, and it will NOT protect him against STD's of course).

4)I would stress the importance of not drinking or using drugs, and one reason is, they can impair decision making about using bc and having sex, when he may not have wanted to.

5)I would say, I would 100 times rather you be having sex and using protection EVERY time without exception, even if you need me to buy it for you, than for you to be afraid to ask me, and get someone pregnant or get an std.

6) I would probably have a demo with a condoms and a bannana and have my son show me how to put it on properly, leaving enough room in the tip etc.. Sounds embarrassing, but I will do it. During this little demo I would go over other rules of use, like never reusing one (even if it slips off during sex, get out a new one), how the pullout method doesn't work, how preseminal fluid can have sperm etc.


excellent advice.

With all of my children, yes! We talk. (well not the littles yet)

Josie has great advice and the same I ahve talked to my kids.

At first, when I discussed serious matters with my son, he was very embarrassed. NOW it is ok and he can handle it. If a real life situation comes into play with someone we know, I use it as a learning tool to talk to him so he understands.

I admire you Michelle that even though you are of strong faith, you consider everything for the well being of your sons and daughters.
Most folks of strong faith that I have known wont even aknowledge sex to be an issue with the children, much less go a step more and consider birth control.

dj lost his virginity a few mos ago and is still with the young womyn. we keep a basket of condoms by the garage door (which is how we enter/exit from our house) that he can easily grab on his way out.

the basket is also made available to his friends, at any point in time, with no questions asked (i grew tired of 9/10/11pm phone calls from his friends/girlfriends who were iso a condom to have sex).

i stock it monthly, and always buy whatever's on sale, to assure there's a variation in selection :)

I don't really have anything to add to this thread...my kids are all still pretty young, and I'll cross those bridges when I come to them (great advice here though!).

I do, however, have a bag of perfectly good condoms (dh got snipped last year so we don't need them) and if anyone would like them, pm me and send me a few bucks for postage!

I love MamaJosie's advice. Very thorough. We had my nephew living w/ us from 14-18 and we were pretty open but did not have as good of communication as I would have liked. I don't think you can emphasize enough that no birth control is 100% and you are taking a risk each and every time. My mom always told me that abstaining is the only bc that is 100% and that really affected my decisions. Not that it is really reasonable for teens but it is good to think about. It is so difficult how we are wired from a pretty young age (at least for our current culture) to be sexually active but it can have such ramifications that just aren't conducive to the way we live right now.

I was never quite sure how i felt about putting my kids on birth control but now that my SD who is moving down here as i type has had a baby at 16 I defiently think it is a lot more preferable than a baby. Of course I have talked numerous times to my girls about sex and abstaining. Heck we were just talking about it at church today,lol, not as a sermon but we were talking about how Kayla is moving down here with a friend of mine at church and the girls got to asking questions and so my convo with them defientlyinvolved waiting etc etc. because as Ive said to the girls before not having sex is the only way to be sure they dont have a baby too early and when they are ready to have kids of their own they will want to provide everything for that baby and give it a good life and they cant do that if they dont have their education first.

My girls do know that if they do decide to have sex and they get pregnant we wont turn them out but we have stressed that waiting is the best.

Just wanted to add that I think its only fair to let your children know (especially females) that the birth control pill (and implants, Depo & rings) are all abortifacient*. I did not know this when I went on the pill at age 21. I still grieve the loss of the babies I inadvertently killed during the years I was on the pill & Depo.

*Hormonal birth control doesn't always prevent ovulation. Its secondary "line of defense" is preventing implantation, therefore the baby is aborted. This happens more than most people think it does.

Just something to add into the conversation since we are being honest with our children. Not to mention that hormonal birth control offers ZERO protection from STDs. The Pill offers a false sense of safety for too many teens.

Just wanted to add that I think its only fair to let your children know (especially females) that the birth control pill (and implants, Depo & rings) are all abortifacient*. I did not know this when I went on the pill at age 21. I still grieve the loss of the babies I inadvertently killed during the years I was on the pill & Depo.

*Hormonal birth control doesn't always prevent ovulation. Its secondary "line of defense" is preventing implantation, therefore the baby is aborted. This happens more than most people think it does.

Just something to add into the conversation since we are being honest with our children. Not to mention that hormonal birth control offers ZERO protection from STDs. The Pill offers a false sense of safety for too many teens.

I wish I had known that when I was young and on the pill. :(

Huh, doesn't bother me a bit to know that. I'd rather a fertilized egg not implant than have had a baby in my teens or while in college. And I feel the same way about my daughters.

To each their own. That's what choice is.

Huh, doesn't bother me a bit to know that. I'd rather a fertilized egg not implant than have had a baby in my teens or while in college. And I feel the same way about my daughters.

To each their own. That's what choice is.

I totally agree.

Huh, doesn't bother me a bit to know that.


That's not the point, the point is that they (our children) actually know what they are taking and what it really does rather than just think it "prevents pregnancy", because later in life they might be upset to find out the truth about the pill.

I took the pill to regulate my period when i was a teen, of course i took that as a great opportunity to have sex freely (and ended up with HepB) and then found out years later that I killed babies and it's not a nice feeling. I felt cheated by my doctor who didn't tell me that aspect of the pill.

I think you can only make the decisions for your own children. I would never, ever presume to supply birth control to a child under someone else's legal responsibility without first clearing it with their parents.

That said, the kids need to know that EVEN with a condom, EVEN with whatever else, the pill, etc, they may still become pregnant...they may.

I got pregnant with my oldest child young (19), but am thankful every day that I didn't get pregnant any younger...because I was on the pill as a teenager, and did believe that condoms were also important. I feel no regret over not having had babies in my early-mid teens (and yeah, most kids are having sex young).

No, I am not devoutly religious, so that could be a big part of it, but I know plenty of people who became more faithful and even born-again as adults who are more than glad they didn't have babies at age 15...and they were going to have sex either way.

I think you can only make the decisions for your own children. I would never, ever presume to supply birth control to a child under someone else's legal responsibility without first clearing it with their parents.


Good point.

I'm going to quote the OP

If you have older teens, what have you done?

This was a great thread until it had to become a sermon instead.

That's not the point, the point is that they (our children) actually know what they are taking and what it really does rather than just think it "prevents pregnancy", because later in life they might be upset to find out the truth about the pill.



I agree.


This was a great thread until it had to become a sermon instead.

so you think that children should not be informed what their choices can do?

I think if they are adult enough to be having sex...adult enough to be using protection, then they are certainly adult enough to know what they are taking does to their body to make an informed choice.

I think you are the only one that seems to have a problem with this thread. You ask a question on this board, you are going to get all kinds of answers. from BTDT and "this is what I would do"

No one is preaching anything. just giving their advice too.

I'm going to quote the OP



This was a great thread until it had to become a sermon instead.

I know I don't have a teen, but I was one very recently and just thought I'd share how I felt as a growing teen :) no sermon, just personal *experience*

my oldest child is 12. His school since 4th grade has had sex ed classes and they get more involved each year. We use condoms for bc here because I can not tolerate bc pills. He has seen me buy them he knows that what they are for. We try to be open and only talk about what is important or relevant at this point in time at his age. I hope that our openness continues and when he is ready he will discuss it w us. I know I will be more ok w him using a condom and being w a girl then I will be ok w my dd when she comes to me. I do know that we will tell our kids that sex is not just about feeling it, it comes w emotional responsibility and has real meaning. It is something that you should do when you really care about the person you are with.
I think you have done a excellent job so far.

When my kids hit that age I will be more then happy to provide them with forms of birth control. I plan to ensure that they know that this is okay to talk to me about. I also like those rules posted early...no means no and so on.

I have to comment...

Having condoms in a basket near the door for your own kids is fine.

Having a condom at the door for other kids who are not 18 or older...not such a nice idea. It really doesn't make you the cool mom.

It makes you the mom that other mothers dread dealing with. It makes you the mother that other mothers don't want their kids being around.

You can be the cool mom to your kids and their friends without crossing lines such as providing alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, BC. I would never provide birth control for children other then my own. Sure they will use it with somebody else but I will only put it in the hands of my kids.

I don't think any parent has any right to provide BC for other children. If my kids were friends with your kids we would have a problem.

I cringe for the parents of the children who are getting BC like this. It's not the least bit appropriate.

IMO, a "cool mom" would come talk to another mom about what's going on with the kids...now THAT is cool.

NOt to jump on any bandwagon here, but Kas do you really get numerous calls in the middle of the night form kids looking for birth control?

I was pretty active at a young age, and partied with a wide variety of people doing a wide variety of things at all hours of the day and night and not one single time did anyone ever consider calling someone elses mom looking for birth control in the middle of the night. That is the oddest thing I have read.



To the OP it soundslike you are doing right by your son. Brancing of what KR said about christian parents - my parents and I just had this conversation last week after dh and I chaperoned prom here. MY parents were afraid to be to frank with us, they felt like we would come talk to them if we needed to, that if they didn'tmention it it would not be on our minds. Wrong-o. My borther and I navigated those waters alone and I know my parents regret that deeply. It is hard as a mom who 'hopes' your children will abstain, to talk to them about birth control. Kudos to you moms who are walking through this with your kids - I think communication is the most important thing!

I mentioned to my mom that many 'christian' kids do not want to plan for birth control, because then it is like they are planning for sex, Where if it just happens, you just fall into it, well, that seems better somehow!


Gethane - I do not see anything resembling a sermon, just wanting to disclose the facts. You mentioned on page one that choice is a good thing - does it stop being a good thing when it involves things you don't want to hear?

Having condoms in a basket near the door for your own kids is fine.

Having a condom at the door for other kids who are not 18 or older...not such a nice idea. It really doesn't make you the cool mom.

It makes you the mom that other mothers dread dealing with. It makes you the mother that other mothers don't want their kids being around.

You can be the cool mom to your kids and their friends without crossing lines such as providing alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, BC. I would never provide birth control for children other then my own. Sure they will use it with somebody else but I will only put it in the hands of my kids.

I don't think any parent has any right to provide BC for other children. If my kids were friends with your kids we would have a problem.

I cringe for the parents of the children who are getting BC like this. It's not the least bit appropriate.
:agreed:
Yeah, that.

Huh, doesn't bother me a bit to know that. I'd rather a fertilized egg not implant than have had a baby in my teens or while in college. And I feel the same way about my daughters.

To each their own. That's what choice is.

It might not bother YOU to know, but your daughter has a right to choose another form of birth control. It would be irresponsible to withhold the information from her.

the basket is also made available to his friends, at any point in time, with no questions asked (i grew tired of 9/10/11pm phone calls from his friends/girlfriends who were iso a condom to have sex).



which is just one more reason to make sure you know well the PARENTS of those your friends are hanging out with.

kas have you considered what would happen if one of dj's friends had an anaphylactic reaction to latex? it happens. you could find yourself one bad latex allergy away from a lawsuit.

Huh, doesn't bother me a bit to know that. I'd rather a fertilized egg not implant than have had a baby in my teens or while in college. And I feel the same way about my daughters.

To each their own. That's what choice is.

whether *you* believe life begins at conception is irrelevant --it's what your *daughter* believes that matters. THAT is what choice is.

I think handing out condoms to all the neighborhood is unnecessary. After all, they are easily purchased with no prescription or ID needed at most any store. If kids are too embarrassed to buy them, you might want to remind them how embarrassing it is to go buy a pregnancy test or ask your dr to be tested for STDs.

I really like MamaJosie's response and that is very similar to the approach I plan to take with my children.

dont they supply condoms for free other places anyhow? Like a planned parenthood type of place? I know some schools they were giving them away.

Not that I think its right.. but I dont see much difference in kas giving them away or going to school to get them for free. Or a PP. They are all the same condoms. I mean, PP doesn't have any higher grade of condoms than you get at the store.

I wouldn't do it, but I would rather have my children have means to get condoms if they need it than not use one at all.

I think that the difference is that if my child is embarrassed to go buy condoms or get them for free somewhere, they should ask ME. That should be OUR teaching/bonding/learning moment, and my kids will know they can always talk to me, even if they choose not to, but I feel like if a mama was just giving them out, no questions asked, no discussion about the risks of sex outside of just pregnancy (don't assume they know all of this), and what my expectations are as far as respecting my house and rules with regards to sex, things like that, I would feel like my child and I were deprived of that bonding and understanding if someone else on the block, who my kids might trust as a mom was giving it out, no discussion, no questions asked.

Do I want that mama to talk to my kids? NO. I want that mama to suggest to my kids that they talk to me...and because there aren't any taboo topics in our family, they can do that. But I want to know if my child is sexually active.

;offtopic: man, cheryl, faith and luke look *so* much alike!!!:heart:

my basket full'o condoms will never move. i believe in it, that strongly.

sure, i've tried talking to one parent (actually, two now that i think of it, and sadly, it's not something other parents feel secure or comfortable in discussing-especially if it's their dd who is having sex with my ds). this is when i made the basket available. it's been MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE that parents do NOT WANT TO KNOW their teen is sexually active, and they'd rather be ignorant & left in the dark.

phone calls, um, yeah, or i wouldn't have posted that i got them. i don't need to lie about this bs, believe me. the pp here is over an hr away, and there's nobody who can go that far with the price of gas, so i make my basket available to anyone who wants what's in it.

as far as dealing with parents "like me"...how about you thank me later for saving your 17yo kid from getting his gf pregnant in his senior year of high school? i think a big fat thank you will be enough instead of criticism.

as for being the "cool mom". my kids think i'm a big dork, so someone please let them know that i am the "cool mom", would ya? :p

my basket full'o condoms will never move. i believe in it, that strongly.

sure, i've tried talking to one parent (actually, two now that i think of it, and it's sadly, not something other parents feel secure or comfortable in discussing-especially if it's their dd who is having sex with my ds). this is when i made the basket available. it's been MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE that parents do NOT WANT TO KNOW their teen is sexually active, and they'd rather be ignorant & left in the dark.

phone calls, um, yeah, or i wouldn't have posted that i got them. i don't need to lie about this bs, believe me. the pp here is over an hr away, and there's nobody who can go that far with the price of gas, so i make my basket available to anyone who wants what's in it.

as far as dealing with parents "like me"...how about you thank me later for saving your 17yo kid from getting his gf pregnant in his senior year of high school? i think a big fat thank you will be enough instead of criticism.

as for being the "cool mom". my kids think i'm a big dork, so someone please let them know that i am the "cool mom", would ya? :p

ah , but are you instructing them how to use them properly? ;) isn't there like quite a big failure rate for condoms? or was that some bs they told us in High School?

isn't there like quite a big failure rate for condoms? or was that some bs they told us in High School?

I can not take bc pills and dh has insisted on us not getting preg. and we use condoms and have never had an opps w them. Being on the pill or using the pull out method and having an opps now that is a different story lol.

Having condoms in a basket near the door for your own kids is fine.

Having a condom at the door for other kids who are not 18 or older...not such a nice idea. It really doesn't make you the cool mom.

It makes you the mom that other mothers dread dealing with. It makes you the mother that other mothers don't want their kids being around.

You can be the cool mom to your kids and their friends without crossing lines such as providing alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, BC. I would never provide birth control for children other then my own. Sure they will use it with somebody else but I will only put it in the hands of my kids.

I don't think any parent has any right to provide BC for other children. If my kids were friends with your kids we would have a problem.

I cringe for the parents of the children who are getting BC like this. It's not the least bit appropriate.

You get another ditto from me.

At first I was really concerned about Kas handing out condoms to other people's children but then I got to thinking about it. If you keep an open dialogue with your kids and approach the sex issue openly then YOUR kids won't be the ones partaking in the condoms being handed out by Kas. Sadly, there are way more parents out there who, for various reasons, don't/can't/won't discuss these issues with their children. It is those children who would benefit from an open minded mama like Kas. What I'm saying is, you probably don't have to worry about it since you have an open relationship with your kids. Sure, it would be distressing if it was your child not coming to you, but that's because your child can come to you, lol. Am I making any sense? I'd bet that the kids coming to Kas are largely the ones who don't have anywhere else to go.

Here in the midwest there IS NO planned parenthood, lol. At least not here in Saint Louis. Birthright has a hold here but I wouldn't even go there for a pregnancy test since they are awfully, for lack of a better word, preachy since they are a Catholic organization. I'm not saying they are a bad place and don't help lots of people, but they made me uncomfortable and I was a married adult, lol. I can't imagine going in there as a sexually active teenager.

And as for latex allergy, most people know well before their teen years that they have a latex allergy or sensitivity. Latex is everywhere and in lots of everyday products. It's hidden everywhere, ask me how I know, lol. I doubt anyone who is making a conscious decision to be sexually active would be unaware of an allergy.

And one last thing, I wonder which came first, the genetic tendency to be sexually active at a young age or the media condoning it. Media certainly plays a role in the behaviors of our children, but our bodies are ready to procreate SO YOUNG. If that were not the case then women wouldn't start their periods in their teens and young boys wouldn't have viable sperm, kwim? It's our culture that says sex at a young age is less than desirable, the media that glorifies it, and our bodies that drive the controvery, lol. Other cultures don't share the same beliefs. It does seem pretty silly to tell a hormone-infested :lol: teenager to not follow those signals. That's not to say that we should encourage young people to be active, lol, just that it's not completely ridiculous to see why this is an issue in our society.

Just wanted to add that I think its only fair to let your children know (especially females) that the birth control pill (and implants, Depo & rings) are all abortifacient*. I did not know this when I went on the pill at age 21. I still grieve the loss of the babies I inadvertently killed during the years I was on the pill & Depo.

*Hormonal birth control doesn't always prevent ovulation. Its secondary "line of defense" is preventing implantation, therefore the baby is aborted. This happens more than most people think it does.

Just something to add into the conversation since we are being honest with our children. Not to mention that hormonal birth control offers ZERO protection from STDs. The Pill offers a false sense of safety for too many teens.

I agree completely. I think it's SO important that women (and men they are involved with) know the truth about this. It's not a matter of saying it's good or bad. I just think it's really important that people know the possible results of their actions rather than blindly making a huge move.

I have to comment...

Having condoms in a basket near the door for your own kids is fine.

Having a condom at the door for other kids who are not 18 or older...not such a nice idea. It really doesn't make you the cool mom.

It makes you the mom that other mothers dread dealing with. It makes you the mother that other mothers don't want their kids being around.

You can be the cool mom to your kids and their friends without crossing lines such as providing alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, BC. I would never provide birth control for children other then my own. Sure they will use it with somebody else but I will only put it in the hands of my kids.

I don't think any parent has any right to provide BC for other children. If my kids were friends with your kids we would have a problem.

I cringe for the parents of the children who are getting BC like this. It's not the least bit appropriate.

I agree with that. I don't think it would be appropriate for me to give my kids' friends condoms, beer, cigarettes, religious texts, rated R movies, porn magazines and the like. These are all things that are invidual and family choices - not casual acquaintance choices.

Kas, do you let parents know that this is an option at your house? I hope you do. In the same way that I expect to be told if my 6 year old is visiting a house with a pool or a large dog or a gun, I'd want to know if my older kid is visiting a house with a freebie condom basket.

IMO, a "cool mom" would come talk to another mom about what's going on with the kids...now THAT is cool.

Yeppers!


it's been MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE that parents do NOT WANT TO KNOW their teen is sexually active, and they'd rather be ignorant & left in the dark.


But you should let the parent make that call. Please never assume that someone doesn't want to know. It's unjust to deny people information that impacts their lives.


as far as dealing with parents "like me"...how about you thank me later for saving your 17yo kid from getting his gf pregnant in his senior year of high school? i think a big fat thank you will be enough instead of criticism.


Um... no.

isn't there like quite a big failure rate for condoms?

my BIL and his wife conceived 4 children with regular and correct condom usage.


It must have been like an aphrodesiac to them or something! :hahaha:

Kas, do you let parents know that this is an option at your house? I hope you do. In the same way that I expect to be told if my 6 year old is visiting a house with a pool or a large dog or a gun, I'd want to know if my older kid is visiting a house with a freebie condom basket.


are you kidding me? i've never even MET 90% of the kids that come over & hang out in my house! i think many of you live in a different world than i do, because when your kid HAS A JOB, IS DRIVING A CAR, IS ABOUT TO GRADUATE, and is old enough to FIGHT FOR OUR COUNTRY, meeting their friends' parents just isn't something you seek out as a pre-requisite to having kids in your home.

ask me if my kid goes over to anyone's home and the answer would be, ONLY IF I KNOW THE PARENTS. i have to have firsthand dealings with them, and i have to confirm the plans & events with the parents by phone before i approve or disapprove.

i can't believe that a condom basket is being compared to alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs. yikes!

do any of you smoke? if so, YOU'RE LIKELY TO PROVIDE YOUR KID WITH THEIR FIRST CIGARETTE. i mean, geez. all the "i'm gonna do x, y, z" is so old & played out already. you have no idea what you'll do, but i can betcha that you won't KNOW when your kid loses his virginity! nope. betcha won't.

naking..... i have a question. i was under the impression that if you sex anytime after ovulation, the egg does/can be fertilized. the only reason that you are more fertile at ovulation is that the egg needs 10 days to implant. so, you could have sex 5 days before your period and the egg could be fertilized, but it would not be on the right path towards implatation (timing wise it would have missed its chance). in other words, fertilized eggs not implanting is a common and natural occurance.

now, i am fine with someone finding a source to disprove that. but that was always my basic understanding from my course work on human biology and a&p.

Kas - Why do you so strongly believe that the other mothers here do not know their children as well as you know yours? Why do you always try to position yourself as the one who "gets it", while considering everyone else here to be out of touch and unrealistic? And why are other people's expectations for their children considered close minded and even stupid? The assumption that those of us with younger children can't have a valid response to questions regarding older kids is insane.

I'm more concerned with the door being unlocked for the teenagers in the neighbourhood to just walk in and grab the rubbers. What if they decide to keep shopping in your house..lol

you have no idea what you'll do, but i can betcha that you won't KNOW when your kid loses his virginity! nope. betcha won't.
kas ~ mama, there's no reason to be so snarky. really.

you can think that you are living in the "real world" and that you are the uber parent who everyone is going to one day realize was right ~ but some of us have differing values that will never change.

can't we just have an intelligent conversation without sarcasm and smirking?

Once this thread strayed from the intent of what HAVE you done (fact) to what SHOULD people do (opinion) it was doomed.

I just really wish it could've stayed helpful and positive and fact based (what DID you do, what HAVE you said) rather than proselytizing (what SHOULD other people tell their teens because you, as the parent of young children, don't have teens of your own to tell).

naking..... i have a question. i was under the impression that if you sex anytime after ovulation, the egg does/can be fertilized. the only reason that you are more fertile at ovulation is that the egg needs 10 days to implant. so, you could have sex 5 days before your period and the egg could be fertilized, but it would not be on the right path towards implatation (timing wise it would have missed its chance). in other words, fertilized eggs not implanting is a common and natural occurance.

now, i am fine with someone finding a source to disprove that. but that was always my basic understanding from my course work on human biology and a&p.
the egg *can* be fertilized and often is w/o you ever knowing it. i'm not sure what your point is --- it happening as a natural occurence is --- well, natural -- me manipulating my body to prevent it from implanting is me making certain that a baby doesn't result from the fertilized egg is not natural.

Once this thread strayed from the intent of what HAVE you done (fact) to what SHOULD people do (opinion) it was doomed.

I just really wish it could've stayed helpful and positive and fact based (what DID you do, what HAVE you said) rather than proselytizing (what SHOULD other people tell their teens because you, as the parent of young children, don't have teens of your own to tell).

Is there any value in hearing not only from parents of teens but from parents who WERE teens as well? I mean, I think that hearing about what did and did not work might be really helpful. And we have mamas here who were very recently teens - or even are now!

Kas - Why do you so strongly believe that the other mothers here do not know their children as well as you know yours? Why do you always try to position yourself as the one who "gets it", while considering everyone else here to be out of touch and unrealistic? And why are other people's expectations for their children considered close minded and even stupid? The assumption that those of us with younger children can't have a valid response to questions regarding older kids is insane.
such an intelligent question! will be looking for kas's answer.

Well, let me tell you WHAT I DID DO, when I was 17, which was... um, 12 years ago. LOL I met my husband in high school when I was 17 and he was sexually active at the time, I was not. His parents did the whole "talk" and gave him a box of condoms and all that. Within a few months of meeting, we were sexually active and I think that box sat in his dresser drawer the entire time. We rarely used condoms and we were both "smart" "good" kids. When I look back at it now, I can't believe we weren't more careful! I am more careful now getting close to 30, having been married for 10 years and having two kids than I was back then. I think this is just a really tough place to be.

as far as dealing with parents "like me"...how about you thank me later for saving your 17yo kid from getting his gf pregnant in his senior year of high school? i think a big fat thank you will be enough instead of criticism.




I won't need to thank you. I will parent my own children. I will take care of their needs. I will ensure their safety. I will not rely on parents like you. If I do run into a parent like you I assure you that I will take my own actions and my child would never be in your house again.

So no thank you to be given. Sorry you aren't a hero.

rather than proselytizing (what SHOULD other people tell their teens because you, as the parent of young children, don't have teens of your own to tell).
then move it off the market board into the mamas of teens -- or just label the post for mamas of teens ONLY.
really, if something is on the market board, chances are it's going to be read by a wide variety of mamas. and when a subject like teens and sex is brought up, it's going to get a WIDE variety of replies.
so back off your high horse and don't read if you don't want to.

the egg *can* be fertilized and often is w/o you ever knowing it. i'm not sure what your point is --- it happening as a natural occurence is --- well, natural -- me manipulating my body to prevent it from implanting is me making certain that a baby doesn't result from the fertilized egg is not natural.

I disagree with you there. I don't think it is anymore manipulative than refraining from sex. Unless you are quiverful, I think it is pretty much the same thing.

Is there any value in hearing not only from parents of teens but from parents who WERE teens as well? I mean, I think that hearing about what did and did not work might be really helpful. And we have mamas here who were very recently teens - or even are now!

But that thread has been done. A couple times. I really wanted to hear what other current parents of teens have done and said.

Frankly, when you don't yet have teens, your opinion about raising teens today is about as useful as advice about babies from a non-parents. When I was in my 20's with young children I had a LOT of opinions about how my mother had raised me, what she should've done. Then once I had teens of my own, I understood a LOT more about reality.

then move it off the market board into the mamas of teens -- or just label the post for mamas of teens ONLY.
really, if something is on the market board, chances are it's going to be read by a wide variety of mamas. and when a subject like teens and sex is brought up, it's going to get a WIDE variety of replies.
so back off your high horse and don't read if you don't want to.


The OP specifically asked the mother of teens what they have done.

And :p to the high horse comment. I don't think I'm the one on a high horse.

Kas - Why do you so strongly believe that the other mothers here do not know their children as well as you know yours? Why do you always try to position yourself as the one who "gets it", while considering everyone else here to be out of touch and unrealistic? And why are other people's expectations for their children considered close minded and even stupid?

You are my hero and you said it so much better than I could have.

At first I was really concerned about Kas handing out condoms to other people's children but then I got to thinking about it. If you keep an open dialogue with your kids and approach the sex issue openly then YOUR kids won't be the ones partaking in the condoms being handed out by Kas. Sadly, there are way more parents out there who, for various reasons, don't/can't/won't discuss these issues with their children. It is those children who would benefit from an open minded mama like Kas. What I'm saying is, you probably don't have to worry about it since you have an open relationship with your kids. Sure, it would be distressing if it was your child not coming to you, but that's because your child can come to you, lol. Am I making any sense? I'd bet that the kids coming to Kas are largely the ones who don't have anywhere else to go.

And as for latex allergy, most people know well before their teen years that they have a latex allergy or sensitivity. Latex is everywhere and in lots of everyday products. It's hidden everywhere, ask me how I know, lol. I doubt anyone who is making a conscious decision to be sexually active would be unaware of an allergy.



For the first part...whether somebody has to worry about it or not what she's doing isn't still not right. I bet kids going to Kas never have to bother even thinking about going to mom and dad....why bother when the goods are easily accessible there?

And the second part...known allergy or not there could still be a lawsuit. Everyone knows that coffee is hot yet McDonald's had to pay out their rears because of it.

I disagree with you there. I don't think it is anymore manipulative than refraining from sex. Unless you are quiverful, I think it is pretty much the same thing.

then don't call it manipulative. i do. if i do something intentionally to alter a circumstance, in my vocabulary, i am manipulating it. perhaps in your vocab that is different.

and in my life, intentionally abstaining when i am ovulating would be manipulative as well.

dont they supply condoms for free other places anyhow? Like a planned parenthood type of place? I know some schools they were giving them away.

Not that I think its right.. but I dont see much difference in kas giving them away or going to school to get them for free. Or a PP. They are all the same condoms. I mean, PP doesn't have any higher grade of condoms than you get at the store.

I wouldn't do it, but I would rather have my children have means to get condoms if they need it than not use one at all.

Yes you can get them other places for free such as PP. The thing is at PP there is a very good chance the child will get a small education on STD, pregnancy and such to go along with that little piece of latex. At Kas's house they get some rubbers and off they go. They don't get anything else. They don't even have a place to go if something happens and they need some medication attention. At PP they can set up a relationship there that in the long run could lead to them not using the condoms or being safe or getting help if in trouble. Kas in no way is the same as PP.

So it's not about the little piece of latex but the education that comes with it.

rather than proselytizing (what SHOULD other people tell their teens because you, as the parent of young children, don't have teens of your own to tell).



Uh so if we have small kids we shouldn't participate in these conversations because we can't make plans and decisions about what we are going to do when they are older? Never mind the fact that I was a teen. It really wasn't that long ago either. I also have brothers who are younger. Sure when my kids are older some things will be different however I don't have to be there yet to assure anyone that my children will have me in their lives, I will ensure that I have made it clear to them that I will not judge their decision and will help keep them safe (not saying I'm not going to push my own agenda as much as I can). I feel I can will certainty say that I know what I would do in as much of a general way as parents with teenagers can say it.

You are my hero and you said it so much better than I could have.

Aw, gee - thanks! :)

But, OP - I am sorry this got off track. That wasn't fair to you!

The OP specifically asked the mother of teens what they have done.

And :p to the high horse comment. I don't think I'm the one on a high horse.

the subject line is teenage children and birth control. nowhere in the subject line does it ask for only mamas of teens to open it.
and i still say, when you post about a hot topic, you have to expect differing opinions.

and i am not on a high horse. if you want me to get on my high horse, ask me about something that i'm passionate about. i was just trying to throw a few facts out. and i get a little pesky when people insinuate that all of my values will change when my children reach some magic age.

i apologize for the high horse comment. i got from your post that what some of us that aren't mothering teens is irrelevant and useless.

Kas - Why do you so strongly believe that the other mothers here do not know their children as well as you know yours? Why do you always try to position yourself as the one who "gets it", while considering everyone else here to be out of touch and unrealistic? And why are other people's expectations for their children considered close minded and even stupid? The assumption that those of us with younger children can't have a valid response to questions regarding older kids is insane.

i never said any of that, but will admit to thinking it at times. mostly when a parent proclaims strong-will-never-back-down-from-my-moral-beliefs, they're sure to be heartbroken by their biologically pre-programmed kids.

I am not the mother of an older teen, but I like the approach of Tommy Nelson and his Spiritual perspective. It is how things were given to me when I was a teen/young adult. I chose purity until marriage (gasp) and his influence was a huge reason why. I think that teens (even those who my choose to be sexually active) should read his stuff. It's pretty amazing. His books and research will be how I will deal with sex and my older teen when the time is here. You can google his name and get more information. It's a tough place to be, I am sure. I dread it.

i never said any of that, but will admit to thinking it at times. mostly when a parent proclaims strong-will-never-back-down-from-my-moral-beliefs, they're sure to be heartbroken by their biologically pre-programmed kids.


Honestly...I don't think you have to say it because your thoughts come through in your words anyway.

It really becomes apparent that feel you know our kids better then we do. You don't. You know your kids. You know what society sometimes says about kids. You don't know the kids here.

Maybe if they were hanging around with some bad influences things could change but I suspect many of these kids won't because they will have the gentle guidance from their parents to make wise decisions. Sure some will stray from good decisions despite the efforts of their parents but I don't believe it's the vast majority.

Try worrying about your kids and let other parents worry about their own.

they're sure to be heartbroken by their biologically pre-programmed kids.
ok, trying to be nice here.........bite tongue, bite tongue..........

perhaps YOUR kids are "biologically pre-programmed" but MY children have a brain and it is MY job to teach them to use it.

so please, quit inferring that my children will be remotely like yours.

Try worrying about your kids and let other parents worry about their own.

who ARE you? i freaking answered a thread asking what i've done regarding my teens & bc.

take B*TCHINESS somewhere else, we're all stocked up here.

off to read the gymbo thread, even though i loathe gymboree. it's got to be more sane than this.

ok, trying to be nice here.........bite tongue, bite tongue..........

perhaps YOUR kids are "biologically pre-programmed" but MY children have a brain and it is MY job to teach them to use it.

so please, quit inferring that my children will be remotely like yours.

oic, so your kids were not created based on an anthropological childbearing age of 13-like the rest of the free world? i didn't get that memo.

no need to bite anything. we are vastly different. one of us judges the other. very clear on all points.

one other thing that just popped into my head...

you'd be LUCKY to have kids remotely CLOSE to my kids. i can't believe you would say anything bad about kids you've never even met.

shame on you.

And as for latex allergy, most people know well before their teen years that they have a latex allergy or sensitivity. Latex is everywhere and in lots of everyday products. It's hidden everywhere, ask me how I know, lol. I doubt anyone who is making a conscious decision to be sexually active would be unaware of an allergy.



not true. latex allergies occur after repeated exposure to latex. and even if you've had a mild reaction once, you could develop a more serious reaction later, even as serious as anaphylaxis.

oic, so your kids were not created based on an anthropological childbearing age of 13-like the rest of the free world? i didn't get that memo.

no need to bite anything. we are vastly different. one of us judges the other. very clear on all points.

one other thing that just popped into my head...

you'd be LUCKY to have kids remotely CLOSE to my kids. i can't believe you would say anything bad about kids you've never even met.

shame on you.

i don't recall saying anything bad about your kids :confused:

:hug: jen...I am feelin' ya mama...

And as a mom of littles here too...I still think that as an adult who once WAS a teen...that my opinions and statements are valid.

Just because my littles aren't teens - doesn't mean that I don't know any...all of my siblings are teens...16,17,18,and 19 to be specific...and they have been raised with the values that Jen and I share in common. And they are all still virgins...that is the path that they have chosen so far. Not saying that they will all stay that way until marriage...but it does say SOMETHING for that difference in parenting styles.

Now as for myself - I wasn't a virgin last 15 as I got that choice taken from me...and that started a serious spiral of bad decisions...but having been raised by the same values that my parents have instilled in my siblings...and also having been taught about what to do if I chose to be active...I did know how to protect myself as well as anyone can really be protected while not practicing abstainance....because condoms DON'T protect you from everything...and these kids should get the information to know that...to make an informed choice. Not just from a basket full of easy permission with no information.

i better stop feeding all these teenage friends too, then. ya never know when someone MIGHT choke. don't wanna let them swim in the backyard, either. ya never know when someone MIGHT drown. geez.

paranoid much?

why don't we just call the police/cps/and a public defender right now, lock me away & make me do time?

get a clue. someone PLEASE give two for ones, as they're needed!

so please, quit inferring that my children will be remotely like yours.

right here is what you said.

And as far as judging anyone...Jen is the least judgemental mama I think I have seen on here...she does state her "opinions"....but judging...I haven't seen her do that...

And Kas...you have stated on more than one occasion that those of us without teens should basicaclly sit down and shut up because - *gasp* - we don't have any teens of our own so how could we POSSIBLY know anything...about parenting...and that sounds more judgemental to me...to ASS-UME that just because our kids hit puberty that our morals and values and deep rooted belief systems will all just fly out the window...:(

right here is what you said.

yes, i said quit inferring that my children will be remotely like yours. how does that make your kids bad? my children won't be remotely like yours. they are from two different homes, with two different value systems entirely. that doesn't make yours good or bad, neither does it make my children good or bad -- it just makes them different.

And if I knew my kids were eating at your house...and I might know they have a peanut allergy...and I would let you know that...or that they are coming to swim...I would let you know they aren't the strongest swimmers - so you could keep an eye out....

But lemme tell ya...if someones child had a reaction to a condom that he or she said came from your house...without them knowing it and them having their parents permission to have it...in a sue-happy world like we are in today...that is pretty risky business.

not true. latex allergies occur after repeated exposure to latex. and even if you've had a mild reaction once, you could develop a more serious reaction later, even as serious as anaphylaxis.

I know, that's why I said that latex is everywhere, hidden all over the place :). I'm latex allergic, discovered it during a hospital visit in my pre-teen years and confirmed with testing. I think most latex allergic people are aware of a sensitivity early on because of repeated exposure through everyday contact. :shrug: I didn't say all, but most should already be aware. JME.

And as far as judging anyone...Jen is the least judgemental mama I think I have seen on here...she does state her "opinions"....but judging...I haven't seen her do that...

And Kas...you have stated on more than one occasion that those of us without teens should basicaclly sit down and shut up because - *gasp* - we don't have any teens of our own so how could we POSSIBLY know anything...about parenting...and that sounds more judgemental to me...to ASS-UME that just because our kids hit puberty that our morals and values and deep rooted belief systems will all just fly out the window...:(

it's not that i think YOUR belief system will fly out the window, it's the KID'S belief system that will (ya know, the one they've been taught when they were under OUR influence).

when kids grow up & get into the teen years (ESPECIALLY AP TEENS, it's been my experience), they start to form their own opinions about topics that are sensitive in nature (especially when it has to do with THEM). what you have taught them means little to nothing when their gf wants "it" behind the cafeteria after the dance & they're waiting on a ride.

but you're right about me thinking advice from a former teen is useless. absolutely, i do. i was a teen too, but i lived in a different time than mine. different pressures, different world, pretty much.

I know, that's why I said that latex is everywhere, hidden all over the place :). I'm latex allergic, discovered it during a hospital visit in my pre-teen years and confirmed with testing. I think most latex allergic people are aware of a sensitivity early on because of repeated exposure through everyday contact. :shrug: I didn't say all, but most should already be aware. JME.

your experience, but not all. i was just trying to throw that out there.

and yea kas, i am paranoid about a child choking or having an allergic reaction at my house. and if i had a pool, you bet i'd be concerned about other kids in the pool. so smirk at me all you want. :(

And if I knew my kids were eating at your house...and I might know they have a peanut allergy...and I would let you know that...or that they are coming to swim...I would let you know they aren't the strongest swimmers - so you could keep an eye out....

But lemme tell ya...if someones child had a reaction to a condom that he or she said came from your house...without them knowing it and them having their parents permission to have it...in a sue-happy world like we are in today...that is pretty risky business.

has ANYONE ever been sued over an adult providing bc to a minor without their parent's permission?

there's no legal grounds for it.

unless it would be contributing to the deliquency of a minor, but that would only be the case if the minor was under the age of consent in the state they lived in.

not the case here.

But that thread has been done. A couple times. I really wanted to hear what other current parents of teens have done and said.

Frankly, when you don't yet have teens, your opinion about raising teens today is about as useful as advice about babies from a non-parents. When I was in my 20's with young children I had a LOT of opinions about how my mother had raised me, what she should've done. Then once I had teens of my own, I understood a LOT more about reality.

that's just bull...i was a teen just a few (ok, several) years ago and i remember all too well how my parents handled or didn't handle rather, my "promiscuity". i know what my parents did/didn't do in situations and have learned from that to use with my children. so don't go telling me that just b/c i don't yet have a teen that i don't know squat. my dh works with and coaches teens daily at a public high school, so i'd say his knowledge of how to work with teens is just fine and dandy thank-you-very-much.

ftr, i realize that things will continually evolve in my parenting relationship in how i deal with youngers and then teens...but coming from a christian perspective, i will be raising my children quite differently...still open, but differently.

All I was meaning was that....if someone can sue over their hot coffe being hot...and they can WIN...then anyone can at least try...and there would still be legal fees even if you didn't lose...ykwim??

And this would be over their child having a reaction to something you provided at your home. Without the parents permission. And yeah...I may jut be overly cautious...but it would worry me.

Kas - Why do you so strongly believe that the other mothers here do not know their children as well as you know yours? Why do you always try to position yourself as the one who "gets it", while considering everyone else here to be out of touch and unrealistic? And why are other people's expectations for their children considered close minded and even stupid? The assumption that those of us with younger children can't have a valid response to questions regarding older kids is insane.

That is a very good question.

Kas, I know you said that it is not how you meant it, but as one who has been reading here for years, I can say that is how the comments come across.
NOt meaning that in a rude way, but I have always felt that way reading your comments too.

then move it off the market board into the mamas of teens -- or just label the post for mamas of teens ONLY.
really, if something is on the market board, chances are it's going to be read by a wide variety of mamas. and when a subject like teens and sex is brought up, it's going to get a WIDE variety of replies.
so back off your high horse and don't read if you don't want to.
:ditto:

But that thread has been done. A couple times. I really wanted to hear what other current parents of teens have done and said.

.
then go start your own thread that says I ONLY WANT ADVICE FROM PARENTS OF TEENS
not a guarantee that only teen mamas will answer, but at least you can feel good knowing you put YOUR intentions and requests clearly instead of asking it on some elses thread.


And Kas...you have stated on more than one occasion that those of us without teens should basicaclly sit down and shut up because - *gasp* - we don't have any teens of our own so how could we POSSIBLY know anything...about parenting...and that sounds more judgemental to me...to ASS-UME that just because our kids hit puberty that our morals and values and deep rooted belief systems will all just fly out the window...:(

again, that is how I have felt too.

who ARE you? i freaking answered a thread asking what i've done regarding my teens & bc.

take B*TCHINESS somewhere else, we're all stocked up here.

off to read the gymbo thread, even though i loathe gymboree. it's got to be more sane than this.


Oh nice. I'm not the one presuming to know other people's kids.

Who am I? What exactly is that supposed to mean? Is everyone supposed to answer to you before they enter the door? Been here a while. If you don't know who I am then that's just not something I'm going to worry about.

You didn't answer what you would do. You answered what you do with your kids and the neighbors kids. When you started saying you would basically take over the parenting role of other parents...other parents will tend to get on your case. Accept it.

i never said any of that, but will admit to thinking it at times. mostly when a parent proclaims strong-will-never-back-down-from-my-moral-beliefs, they're sure to be heartbroken by their biologically pre-programmed kids.

But see, that's exactly how I would describe you. Strong willed, not backing down. So much so that I don't think you'd ever respectfully consider that my (parenting) approach, while different, may actually be working.

And every time you let some child/teen pluck a condom from your basket, that's what you're saying to their parents too.

keep on keeping on, and we'll come back here in 15yrs & compare the notes we took during our kids' teen yrs, umkay?

one of mine just finished cleaning the kitchen, got dressed for an interview he has @ 4pm, and grabbed a condom out of the basket on his way out to see his gf :)

now ya see, while all of you will be getting upset that your kid's down the street (that's where his gf lives) having sex, i'm calm, in touch with reality, and perfectly fine with it. as it should be, but will never be, because so many of us are uptight, and border on frigid, ourselves.

keep on keeping on, and we'll come back here in 15yrs & compare the notes we took during our kids' teen yrs, umkay?

one of mine just finished cleaning the kitchen, got dressed for an interview he has @ 4pm, and grabbed a condom out of the basket on his way out to see his gf :)

now ya see, while all of you will be getting upset that your kid's down the street (that's where his gf lives) having sex, i'm calm, in touch with reality, and perfectly fine with it. as it should be, but will never be, because so many of us are uptight, and border on frigid, ourselves.


You are right. Everyone else is wrong. So sorry. My poor children how will they ever have a chance with a mother like me when they could have a mother like you. How did the world ever make it without you being the mom for everyone?

Write a book. Since you have it down pat and it's the only way for things to work...write a book and set the world straight.

Or...

Accept that other people will do things their own way and maybe it's not okay to step on the toes of other parents.

Your choice. Either way I'm safe because I don't believe you live anywhere near me. If I meet a mother like you that happens to be near me...I assure you that she will end up having a miserable existence and yes that will always be a threat...not to you but the neighborhood "cool mom" in my area.

i do not have anything constructive to add, but i wanted to remark that i like reading these threads - i dont have teens yet but these types of threads give me lots of ideas of things to try/think about and help me be more aware of how my childrens friends parents might be thinking and what mindsets i might come up against.

and a wee bit offtopic - anyone know that if someone is allergic to most lubricants and spermicides, is it likely that their children will be too? i ask because my mama, my sister and i are all highly allergic to them, i know i will talk to my girls about it (because my mama didnt tell me that she was allergic until i was in the hospital with a reaction at age 18, and thats a crappy way to find out lol) but i was just wondering if allergies are at all hereditary....

keep on keeping on, and we'll come back here in 15yrs & compare the notes we took during our kids' teen yrs, umkay?

one of mine just finished cleaning the kitchen, got dressed for an interview he has @ 4pm, and grabbed a condom out of the basket on his way out to see his gf :)

now ya see, while all of you will be getting upset that your kid's down the street (that's where his gf lives) having sex, i'm calm, in touch with reality, and perfectly fine with it. as it should be, but will never be, because so many of us are uptight, and border on frigid, ourselves.

wow.

wow.

wow what?

You are right. Everyone else is wrong. So sorry. My poor children how will they ever have a chance with a mother like me when they could have a mother like you. How did the world ever make it without you being the mom for everyone?

Write a book. Since you have it down pat and it's the only way for things to work...write a book and set the world straight.

Or...

Accept that other people will do things their own way and maybe it's not okay to step on the toes of other parents.

Your choice. Either way I'm safe because I don't believe you live anywhere near me. If I meet a mother like you that happens to be near me...I assure you that she will end up having a miserable existence and yes that will always be a threat...not to you but the neighborhood "cool mom" in my area.

angry/hostile/rage much?

why does your way always have to be the ONLY right way, kas? Why can't your parenting be right for YOUR family and how everyone else parents be right for their's?

You made a comment telling 4little monkeys to take her b*tchiness elsewhere. How do you think it comes off to everyone else when you insinuate we're horrible parents that don't know jack**** about who our children are and what they do?

You're fine with your kid having sex, woohoo for you. It works for you and yours.

naking..... i have a question. i was under the impression that if you sex anytime after ovulation, the egg does/can be fertilized. the only reason that you are more fertile at ovulation is that the egg needs 10 days to implant. so, you could have sex 5 days before your period and the egg could be fertilized, but it would not be on the right path towards implatation (timing wise it would have missed its chance). in other words, fertilized eggs not implanting is a common and natural occurance.

now, i am fine with someone finding a source to disprove that. but that was always my basic understanding from my course work on human biology and a&p.


The difference is that one of the mechanisms of hormonal birth control is to intentionally make the uterus uninhabitable. That is totally different than a spontaneous abortion/miscarriage when the mother was not intending to end the life of the baby. Every woman, knowingly or not, that takes hormonal birth control has a chance of intentionally ending the life of a fertilized egg.

Wouldn't you want to know this in order to make an educated decision on which method of birth control to use? Isn't this about educating our children?

Once this thread strayed from the intent of what HAVE you done (fact) to what SHOULD people do (opinion) it was doomed.

I just really wish it could've stayed helpful and positive and fact based (what DID you do, what HAVE you said) rather than proselytizing (what SHOULD other people tell their teens because you, as the parent of young children, don't have teens of your own to tell).

Its about education, right? I wasn't proselytizing. I was saying we should provide ALL the information to our children. And just because my children aren't teens yet, doesn't mean I don't have a plan & haven't thought about it. Jeeps, if they were in public school I better be talking about it really soon!!!

I wasn't much older than a teen when I started the pill, and I was surely no more mature than a teen. I wish someone would have told me exactly how the pill works. I would have stuck with condoms.

You preach "choices", yet don't want to give your so-called ready for sex teen any?

I wouldn't trust a teen to take a pill on a consistent (same time EVERY day) basis, not-to-mention hormonal birth control having ZERO protection against STDs. And if you have to stand over your teen for her to take the pill, do you think she is responsible enough for sex? (not that any teen is IMO)

We haven't strayed from the original topic, we were asked how we would handle it.

i have 2 teens and i think mamajosie's post was great :bow:

and um, this is the market board. you will get many different opinions here. There are times when i only want to commiserate with other parents of teens, but i would post in the parents of teens forum (most likely the private forum at md) rather than on the market board. i love the market board, but it is a bit too public for me when it comes to discussing things like this.

teens are quite good at using google you know ;)

I have been reading this thread w/ great interest, because the teen years are sneaking up quickly here. I agree w/ the first few posters in that I want to be available to my children, no matter what decisions they make. I will give the information they need to protect themselves, set some expectations and if/when I see that they are sexually active, I will, to the best of my ability, make sure they are protected, without judgement. I also want to make clear that I am talking about an older teen, vs. a 13yo, in which case, I am not sure how I will react.

I agree w/ so much of what has been said here, but I do have to stick up for the Mamas that have said perhaps you will think differently when you have a teen. I have changed a lot as a parent, and being a mother to 9 and 10yos, I am so different than I was when they were 3 & 4, or 5 & 6. I have evolved so much, that I just cannot be sure what I might do or think when my girls are teenagers. I might be grateful that there is somewhere that my kids can get condoms easily, even if I don't know it. Because above all, I just want them to be safe. One more thing, I know that *I* am not in touch w/ who I was as a teenager. I am an adult now, with children of my own, no longer carefree. I do know that I will do more than my parents did, which was nothing, LOL, but beyond that I just cannot know that what I do or don't do will prevent my children from having sex.

FTR, I started having sex at 17 w/ DH, then my boyfriend. I honestly would not change a thing, and even though I look back and that God I got lucky, and didn't get pregnant or any diseases, with a little more information and availability from my parents, I might have even waited.

my basket full'o condoms will never move. i believe in it, that strongly.

sure, i've tried talking to one parent (actually, two now that i think of it, and sadly, it's not something other parents feel secure or comfortable in discussing-especially if it's their dd who is having sex with my ds). this is when i made the basket available. it's been MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE that parents do NOT WANT TO KNOW their teen is sexually active, and they'd rather be ignorant & left in the dark.

phone calls, um, yeah, or i wouldn't have posted that i got them. i don't need to lie about this bs, believe me. the pp here is over an hr away, and there's nobody who can go that far with the price of gas, so i make my basket available to anyone who wants what's in it.

as far as dealing with parents "like me"...how about you thank me later for saving your 17yo kid from getting his gf pregnant in his senior year of high school? i think a big fat thank you will be enough instead of criticism.

as for being the "cool mom". my kids think i'm a big dork, so someone please let them know that i am the "cool mom", would ya? :p


If providing bc is your motive, why are you boasting about providing a pleasing "selection" of products to these kids. Lost me there... I was on board with you till that... feels like you are promoting and making teen sex a novelty.

i better stop feeding all these teenage friends too, then. ya never know when someone MIGHT choke. don't wanna let them swim in the backyard, either. ya never know when someone MIGHT drown. geez.

paranoid much?

why don't we just call the police/cps/and a public defender right now, lock me away & make me do time?

get a clue. someone PLEASE give two for ones, as they're needed!

Whoa..... she didn't. :eyes: puh leez.

wow what?

Wow you have totally gone off your rocker this time....really...calling/inferring someone is frigid based on the fact...well, actually not based on any fact at all is just ridiculous.
Why would you even open that can of worms? Don't you have enough issues to deal with of your own with dealing with someone else's nonexistent frigidity?
Just sayin'.

If providing bc is your motive, why are you boasting about providing a pleasing "selection" of products to these kids. Lost me there... I was on board with you till that... feels like you are promoting and making teen sex a novelty.

why would i not provide them with a variety of condoms? there are more than one brand on the market. they have choices, and it's my hope that they'll find one they really like & GO BUY IT - be it with or without their parents' permission.

these kids have nobody at home most days. they are young adults who have grown to trust that i "won't nark on them" to their folks. i already shared that when i found out my ds was sneaking his gf in & out (and vise versa), i went to the girl's mom. huge mistake. she forbid her to see my ds & it almost broke them up for good (they're in love, and yes, it's REAL love, so i respect it).

he asked me not to go & talk with her mom, and i did anyway. i was sensitive, yet honest. she had no idea how involved the kids were. no clue. her dd hadn't told her ANYTHING. all she knew before me talking with her was that she found my ds & her dd walking up her driveway @ 5am.

fwiw, i wanted to call this womyn the minute dj came to me & told me he couldn't wait until prom (he was planning on losing his v on prom night, with his xgf, but she lost her v to someone else before we moved back here).
he begged me not to say anything to her because his gf wasn't old enough to date yet, and her parents would FREAK. so i stayed silent & encouraged her to start mentioning his name here & there to her folks. she never did, so when her mom found them in her driveway, she was under the impression it was her first time sneaking out. yeah, riiiight.

the girl's mom & i are still not "friends", but we have an understanding that my kid WILL BE PROTECTED. i even asked her if she wanted me to take her to pp to get her on bc, if she couldn't do it (she works ft). the girl is still not on bc.

I wouldn't be comfortable handing out rubbers but I think if Kas can help prevent an STD or 2 and maybe a few teen-pregnancies she's doing something right.

Don't you have enough issues to deal with of your own with dealing with someone else's nonexistent frigidity?
Just sayin'.

i was referring to society (which is why i used "us" and not "you").

what exactly are you referring to?

what exactly are you referring to?

I'm referring to the issues that everyone must surely have in their lives, dealing with their own children, husband, job, evils of society (life in general)...why would you start talking about someone else's sex life, especially based on no facts?

Soggy Granola, just wanted to let you know that St. Louis has at least 3 Planned Parenthoods - they are pretty much in every town over 30,000 all across the midwest I think. I grew up in Ne in a town of 25,000 and we had a PP there.

Soggy Granola, just wanted to let you know that St. Louis has at least 3 Planned Parenthoods - they are pretty much in every town over 30,000 all across the midwest I think. I grew up in Ne in a town of 25,000 and we had a PP there.


Huh, look at that, lol. I did know there was one way up in North County because we looked into the option of Vasectomy there and found out there is a wait of over a year and they don't offer financial assistance for them. I guess I wrote them off at that point. I do know they don't have any state funding (or much, at least) so their services are not as easily accessable as you'd think they should be.

At any rate, where's the popcorn for this thread. Somebody besides me has got to be munching...

I just read the entire thread....lucky for me my girls are going to skip those awkward teen years!!;)

I am SO late to the thread!

(I have two teens. One in a relationship with a dear, dear person of the opposite sex.)

I won't be handing out rubbers to any kid's friends. (Not saying it is a bad idea)

My own teens can find our stash of them in our bedroom (they have come across them) and I wouldn't ask why any are missing.

I wouldn't put a dd on the pill though. My mom put me on it and years later I found out that I have a genetic predesposition to them causing blood clots and death (when I was on the pill.....my arms would go numb while I slept and It was really scary....who knew?!).

I just read the entire thread....lucky for me my girls are going to skip those awkward teen years!!;)

I'm just going to lock them up from 12 to 18. Oh wait, Chrissy's 14. Crap, I missed my chance!!

I'm referring to the issues that everyone must surely have in their lives, dealing with their own children, husband, job, evils of society (life in general)...why would you start talking about someone else's sex life, especially based on no facts?

i seriously wasn't referring to any one single individual, so your knowledge of "someone's sex life" is more than mine was when i posted that - and still is.

if i knew of someone's sexual issues, i would NEVER post about them. i'm not a mean person, no matter how off my rocker you think i may be.

and a wee bit offtopic - anyone know that if someone is allergic to most lubricants and spermicides, is it likely that their children will be too? i ask because my mama, my sister and i are all highly allergic to them, i know i will talk to my girls about it (because my mama didnt tell me that she was allergic until i was in the hospital with a reaction at age 18, and thats a crappy way to find out lol) but i was just wondering if allergies are at all hereditary....

When I was in 9th grade they had a big safe sex class that was put on by seniors. They did the condom on the banana and told us all the safe sex details. They made us all put a dab on Nonoxyl-9 on our wrists to check to see if we were allergic. Sure enough, my wrist totally broke out in a rash. That was good to know. :)

I haven't read the whole thread, but I sincerely hope that when you are giving these children condoms, you are encouraging them to talk to their parents about sex. I know it is unrealistic to think they will actually do it, and that a parent wouldn't freak out about their kid having sex, but you never know what line of communication it may open between the child and the parent. I have to say I would be extremelly hurt if my kid came to you, and really pissed if I wasn't told you were providing them with condoms. I know not every parent is as open minded as I am, though, and I pray to God my kids feel they can come and talk to me before they make such a life changing decision.

They made us all put a dab on Nonoxyl-9 on our wrists to check to see if we were allergic. Sure enough, my wrist totally broke out in a rash. That was good to know. :)

I wish I had known that trick, lol I am not horribly allergic to it but it makes me very um...uncomfortable. I found out the hard way ;)

and as far as sex and teenagers I don't have a problem with an older teenager who is mature and safe having sex. I would never presume to pass out condoms to other people's children though. If a kid wants to go behind their parent's back they can go to the drugstore or the clinic, not my house. I think that opens one up to too many legal ramifications.

For those who are comparing handing out condoms to cigarettes and alcohol, it's not the same. Those things have age limits for purchase. Condoms don't. So, she really isn't doing anything legally wrong...they could go to planned parenthood and get free condoms. Or they could buy them. Yes, she might piss some people off...but I do see her reasoning that most kids parents would just rather not know one way or another. She feels strongly about providing this for her kids and it seems like she just figures if other kids can benefit from it, all the better. I don't think I would personally do this (the basket for everyone thing...I would provide them for my kids), but I really don't think it's such a big deal. Handing someone a condom is not telling them to have sex. But for those who might be doing it anyway, it may not be such a bad thing to have in your back pocket.

Our high school mascot was the Trojans. Spirit week was HILARIOUS!

Our high school mascot was the Trojans. Spirit week was HILARIOUS!

LOLOLOL

Our local high school's mascot is the Trojans, too. I can't think of them, talk about them, drive past the school, etc., without giggling. I have my mind in the gutter, a lot. LOL I didn't go to school there, but my girls will........

we were trojans in junior high :)

i seriously wasn't referring to any one single individual, so your knowledge of "someone's sex life" is more than mine was when i posted that - and still is.

.

when you say:
because so many of us are uptight, and border on frigid, ourselves
is a pretty crappy reference. yes, you were not saying one individual. you said lots of individuals...and saying "US" could be perceived as the US that are reading what you are writing.

Oh, I am so late to getting to this thread and I read the whole thing. whew.

I've almost forgotten the OPs question, though!

First of all, yes, I am the mother of a teen...an almost 17-year old daughter. Even though I do not hand out condoms and I have not provided birth control to my child, I have no problem with her being in a home where they would be readily available. Why, you say? Because I am confident in her ability to make a decision in this particular situation. We have always been open about all matters, including those of the sexual nature. She is an intelligent, thoughtful, cautious, independent thinking young woman. She also has chosen to believe that God has called her to remain virtuous until she is married. She also does not date;)

I know many of you are rolling your eyes and saying I have my head in the sand. But, you would be wrong. Now, I realize I may be in a different situation when my two boys reach this age. But, until then I will continue to raise them like I have their sister...and pray alot!

I know that one day things will change. I know that she will be moving from our home to live on her own in one short year. All I can do is what I've done since she was a baby -- continue to keep communication open and provide her with all the information that I can so that she can make the best decisions that she is capable of making.

However, I will not encourage her to choose activities that are biblically immoral. Neither will I do so to any other child -- whether they are mine or not. I do realize I do not have control of my children's lives and that they will make mistakes, just as I did. We all make mistakes that change the course of our lives. But, I see those mistakes as vehicles for learning. I also believe that God has a plan for our lives and we may not choose what he chooses. In the end, I see providing birth control as totally contradicting everything I have taught her regarding virtue and purity.

When I read the "frigid" comment, I read it totally as our American culture is uptight and prudish about sex. The irony is we are the exact OPPOSITE as far as our media - movies, music, magazines, etc are so full of sexual messages it is insane. Yet, we also as a culture try to push things like abstinence only sex-ed programs and I think it is a huge double standard and probably confusing to teens.

So as a culture, I agree with Kas, but I might use the word "prudish" instead of frigid. I think we need a more open dialogue about human sexuality that does not involve only the Hollywood persepctive, but real information about what sex means to us, how to stay safe if having sex, etc.

Well I don't have a teenager yet but I have always wondered why there is the assumption that all teens today will have sex. That wasn't true to me (even though 2 of my closest friends were preg in high school) and I hope it won't be true for my boys.

I really like what Lakita Garith (1995 Miss Black California) has to say this is a quote from a speech she gave to Congress...

SEX IS A NATURAL BODILY FUNCTION THAT CAN'T BE CONTROLLED- Is what a fellow guest on a talk show told me and amazingly enough has been the prevailing attitude when it comes to teaching anything about sex. It can best be summarized by a quote from Dr. Ruth. 'Asking young people to control their libido is asking them too much. Their libido is too strong.' If sex is an uncontrollable bodily function such as breathing, sleeping, eating, or even going to the restroom then it would be safe to assume somehow that if one were prevented from exercising these functions, detrimental side effects would occur, or even death. However, after engaging in some research, I've not yet found a documented case or an obituary that read, "Johnny... 17 years old.., cause of death.., virginity."

I always get a response of laughter when I share this widely held opinion of teens. DuSable High School in Chicago, Ill was no exception.

Principle Mingo told me that his high school was the first Chicago City School to have a school based clinic implemented, it was known as the worst school in America in the early 90's, and is currently one of the 3 poorest high schools in the country. After receiving a standing ovation from the student body after a 75 minute abstinence presentation a young boy from DuSable High School responded to this attitude best with the affirmation of his peers standing by. He said, ' if they can potty train us growing up and expect to use self- control when we're older why can't they have the same expectation when it comes to sex. What do they think we are, animals?" "It is extremely irresponsible and discriminatory to imply to our young people that they can control their passions in the area of violence, drugs, and other abuses but cannot control their sexual urges." (Pat v. Ware, Shepard Smith, "AIDS and HIV Infection in the African American Community," House of Representatives, Sept. 16, 1994, p.4.Subcommittee of Human Resources and Intergovernmental Relations, US). We've resigned ourselves into believing that since teens don't have the capacity to use self-control, then birth control will change everything. However, if this were true, wouldn't we have seen a dramatic decrease in the consequences of adolescent sexual activity? It seems as though "condoms encourage and reinforce the same behavior under different risk conditions rather than encourage change of behavior toward abstinence and faithful monogamy." ("Summary position statement on the condom for disease prevention," Taxpayer Action Committee).

Recently I had a conversation with Hertry, an employee of the Office of Family Planning, who said, "you know we've taught all the plumbing and we've shown them (youth) all the contraceptives. Yet, the statistics are still climbing. It just doesn't work. If you don't get to the emotional and psychological reasons as to why they are getting involved then nothing is going to work." Henry has voiced the same thing hat I've encountered across America, and that's the "emotional and psychological need to love and be loved... Often, the physical enjoyment of sex is not an important motivation, particularly among young adolescence." (Journal of Adolescent Health Care, July 1985, p.267-268.)

I don't have a teen, but I think about this stuff a lot.

I have a friend with a child I really respect. He is 17.

She had a conversation with him that was very frank about sex, bc, feelings, how she wishes he would think about sex, etc... She covered all the bases and then she said something like this to him:

"You should start now (14ish) deciding how you want things to be. You should think about sex, your virginity, and how girls feel because in the heat of the moment, you won't be able to make these decisions. NOW is the time to think it through. "

I always liked this approach because it allows the child to make his own decisions with all the information. It also creates the scenario of having a "plan" rather than just going along with those biological urges.

It allows for inserting your family values while at the same time encouraging them to make their own choices. It's very proactive approach.

Well I don't have a teenager yet but I have always wondered why there is the assumption that all teens today will have sex. That wasn't true to me (even though 2 of my closest friends were preg in high school) and I hope it won't be true for my boys.


:ditto: My dd is going to be 13 in a little over a month, so I am only just starting on this teenage journey, but I find it pretty presumptuous to assume that all teenagers are going to have the same levels of hormones, same level of (non)self control, and the same lack of desire to live up to their values that are so important to them. Sure, maybe their values will turn out to be different to their parents, being their own individuals, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are automatically going to feel that teenage sex is fine and okay for them.

I am not claiming my kids are going to behave how I would want them to. I just have to wait and see. But I have known WAY too many kids who have gone BOTH ways to be able to have the confidence Kas has that they are GOING to choose to have sex, or that they ARE going to abstain. THEY have free choice, and frequently, they DO surprise you and choose how you would like them to. :) Teenagers CAN and DO frequently show great self control, believe it or not!!

angry/hostile/rage much?


Clearly you took my tone wrong. Not angry at all. Just can't believe how you work.

First of all, yes, I am the mother of a teen...an almost 17-year old daughter. Even though I do not hand out condoms and I have not provided birth control to my child, I have no problem with her being in a home where they would be readily available. Why, you say? Because I am confident in her ability to make a decision in this particular situation. We have always been open about all matters, including those of the sexual nature. She is an intelligent, thoughtful, cautious, independent thinking young woman. She also has chosen to believe that God has called her to remain virtuous until she is married. She also does not date;)

I know many of you are rolling your eyes and saying I have my head in the sand. But, you would be wrong. Now, I realize I may be in a different situation when my two boys reach this age. But, until then I will continue to raise them like I have their sister...and pray alot!

I know that one day things will change. I know that she will be moving from our home to live on her own in one short year. All I can do is what I've done since she was a baby -- continue to keep communication open and provide her with all the information that I can so that she can make the best decisions that she is capable of making.

However, I will not encourage her to choose activities that are biblically immoral. Neither will I do so to any other child -- whether they are mine or not. I do realize I do not have control of my children's lives and that they will make mistakes, just as I did. We all make mistakes that change the course of our lives. But, I see those mistakes as vehicles for learning. I also believe that God has a plan for our lives and we may not choose what he chooses. In the end, I see providing birth control as totally contradicting everything I have taught her regarding virtue and purity.


You can be comfortable with her being handed condoms from another person and that is okay...you being comfortable. But 1 person being comfortable doesn't make it okay. By her being offered bc from another adult really isn't even fair to her. She shouldn't be in a position at a friend's house where the parent is putting this in front of her.

I can see a parent being okay with it. I am not okay with it...most people here are not okay with it...so it's probably a bad idea.

I hope your daughter can hold true to her purity!!!! That really is a wonderful gift she can give herself!

Wow, I knew this would be a hot topic, but jeez...

Just yesterday, my almost 8-year old asked me about my first kiss. He wanted to know the name of the boy and if he was still alive (not sure why he wondered about the alive part LOL). I told him the boy's name and that yes, he's still alive and married and is a daddy, too. He asked why we didn't marry and I told him because God told me he wasn't the right man for me. I told him that when he was older and started dating, that God would tell him when he found the right girl.

I can't believe we're already talking about kissing and dating! But I definitely pray that we continue talking about the subject of girls! I told him that he would see a lot of stuff in life (on tv for example) about girls that may confuse or excite him, and that he can always come to me and his father to ask about it. I told him that girls are so different from boys in so many ways and that there was a lot for him to learn.

I hope that we always have this open communication.

Does this mean that I would buy him condoms when he turns 16? No. We want to teach him to stay pure until he's married. Maybe we have our heads in the sand or are being unrealistic in today's world. He's going to be bombarded by messages by the media and his peers. It's a scary world right now, who knows what it'll be like in a few years when he hits puberty?

I just hope we can be open and honest and loving with him when the time comes.

So what are we talking about here? Young teens 13-ish to 16 ish, or older teens, 17-19? I just see a big difference in young teens and older teens. And if we are talking about young teens, then I think information and constant supervision is *my* best bet. Older teens, well, I was 17 when I started college, so from my experiences, I will say that all bets are off then, unless the kid has made the decision for *themselves*, rather than promising someone else that they will remain virgins. I know 2 women that were virgins when they got married, they were both very religious, and both made the decision to wait for themselves. They took it seriously, it was important to them. I honestly don't know very many people/teens that have that kind of determination without it coming straight from the heart. And there is the thing that was mentioned about 18yos being able to vote, and fight in wars. They are adults and at that point they get to control what they do with their genitals, whether we like it or not.

I also want it to be clear that I am talking about committed relationships and not casual sex. Yes teens can have committed relationships! I started dating and having sex w/ my now DH when I was 17. We have been together 15 years. The casual sex, though, I am totally not down with, and I hope that I can help my kids see for themselves why that is not a good idea.

Okay, I am just curious, but are the Mamas that are not planning on their teens having sex also totally against any kind of non-marital relations? Or would you be okay with your 26yo DD having sex w/ her boyfriend of 3 years? I really am not wanting to offend, here, so please don't take it that way.

One more thing, I honestly don't get the whole purity thing....it is kind of creepy to me......almost like a throwback to when women only had any value if they were virgins.

These are just some thoughts that I had while reading this thread. And I honestly don't want to hurt any ones feelings! I am not the most eloquent writer, though, so if I come across as snarky, I apologize in advance, I do not mean to.

I never actually stated my thoughts on sex in teenage years. I'll be as okay as I can possibly be about it. I hope to be able to keep a relationship with my children that allows them to come to me about these things and maybe I can steer them against it for a little while so that they realize you don't need to jump on it.

If my 17 year old daughter comes to me and has been dating a guy and they are going to do it...sure I wish they wouldn't but I actually wouldn't get mad.

I remain firm that my kids better not get condoms from other mothers though.

Okay, I am just curious, but are the Mamas that are not planning on their teens having sex also totally against any kind of non-marital relations? Or would you be okay with your 26yo DD having sex w/ her boyfriend of 3 years? I really am not wanting to offend, here, so please don't take it that way.

.

yes-I am against any kind of non-martial relations...no matter what age.
no offense, it is a religious belief for me that sex outside of marriage is wrong.

One more thing, I honestly don't get the whole purity thing....it is kind of creepy to me......almost like a throwback to when women only had any value if they were virgins.



it's biblical.

WOW!! i did not read all the posts but....

KAS-- i am fine with you giving my 16 condoms-but not my 13yo.

And mamas of boys- this is what i told my very pro-life (didn't get that from me) 16yo DS.........

" IF YOU HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH A GIRL AND SHE GETS PREGNANT---AND YOU ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH-- OR THE RELATIONSHIP SOURS---OR YOU AREN'T COMMITTED ENOUGH SHE WILL DECIDE WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE PREGNANCY WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS OR HER MOTHER.....THE BOTTOM LINE IS YOU PROBABLY WILL NOT HAVE A SAY"

the thought of an abortion or a child of theirs out there in the world without them having much of a say........well that can make some folks think just a bit longer before the get nekkid....and that is the reality of EVERY time you get nekkid and do the nasty..........there is always a chance that conception will occur ('cept sterilization)

Luna

mama to three boys-- one who beat out a condom and one who beat out the sprong. LOL

I haven't read all the posts - got through the first 3 pages and then decided to respond.

I have teens - two girls who are 14 (almost 15) and 17 so I CAN speak of this from experience. We've spoken of sex - we've spoken of the ramifications of sex. We've talked of what the Bible has to say about sex (it's awesome and a gift from God - IN a marriage), and why dad and I waited until our wedding night. The girls know that it's not just sex - it's way more than just a physical act and that's something that you need to be VERY careful about and that even taking every protection can still result in pregnancy, loss of fertility and loss of your life. We have an extremely open relationship and we talk about everything - EVERYTHING - and I have no doubts that my girls would talk to me if they were thinking about it even though they know I'm against it. They also know that if they're feeling that they're old enough to make the decision to step out of their father's and my authority on this, they're thus old enough to make sure that they've been to the doctor and have taken care of their own birth control - because they need to be old enough to deal with the possible pregnancy, STD and infections that can result. I've talked to them about how wonderful it is for me to know that my DH was not only my only lover but my only love. I have no comparisons to him - that he is my only memory of sex and love and that is such a beautiful gift.

It's quite funny to watch them watch the commercials for the HPV test or to watch movies. They know the answer "Don't have sex!!!!" - I have to laugh at that.

So, it's not "idealistic" to think that even in this day and age that there are kids who can be "pure" - I have attended numerous weddings in the last years of couples who have stayed pure - one wedding where the woman and man had never even KISSED before their wedding (and they were both older - significantly older). I guess it depends on what you teach your kids from day one and the kind of friends they have. I'm not being deceived in this - I'm being realistic and honest - and having faith in my kids that they're not just hormones - but that they have a mind that will think through their actions and be responsible. Not just in sex but in everything they do.

All I can say is wow. I just got through all of this thread and so much back and forth. For my part on this, I have a 15 (almost 16) year old dd. She is on the pill, not for bc but to regulate her period as she was having 2 week long periods. I have talked to her about sex and waiting. I hope like hell that she will come to me if she does decide to not wait. We have had an open home when it comes to any topic, and will continue to do so. I would never think to supply another parents child with bc of any kind. My responsibility is to my child to keep him/her safe and protected. I am also one of those moms who will call another parent if I hear something that could be harmful to another's child. I guess I am not a "cool" mom, I am ok with that. I am not my child's friend I am their PARENT. Parenting comes with hard choices and times where you child doesn't like you. Goes with the territory, as parents we are not supposed to be their friend while they are growing, we are to teach them our values while they are in our home, and hope and pray that they keep those values in their own homes, and if they don't to still love them. Yes, they are growing towards being adults, but they have to have a basis to grow on and that is not easily achieved if we are trying to be friends instead of parents.

I do know that not everyone is going to feel that they should not be their child's friend first, and if that works in your home great. It does not work in mine. I will have time to be my child's friend when they are an adult, they need me to be a parent while they are growing up. Of course that is just my opinion and it only really matters to me and it is fine if no one else shares it.
Only you can decide what is good for your family and you, no one else. What works for one may not work for another, and no one thing or choice will work for every family.

I'm being realistic and honest - and having faith in my kids that they're not just hormones - but that they have a mind that will think through their actions and be responsible. Not just in sex but in everything they do.


Well said. I totally agree.

Having a condom at the door for other kids who are not 18 or older...not such a nice idea. It really doesn't make you the cool mom.

Okay, I'm coming to this thread very late as I do not have children even remotely in the teen years (though I'm sure time will pass very quickly), but this question has recently come to light in my personal life.

What if your child (not specifically YOUR child, but anyone here's child) was considering having sex or was becoming sexually risky and did not feel as if they could talk to their parent/s about it, but did feel okay talking to another neighborhood adult with whom they felt comfortable?

What if that child had a trust in the neighborhood adult, but that trust would be destroyed if the adult told the parent?

Would you want the trusted adult to tell the child where they could obtain birth control or not?

What about your child's pediatrician? Would you want your child's pediatrician to a) write a script and not tell you, b) tell the child how to obtain birth control, or c) break confidentiality and tell you?

I think that the difference is that if my child is embarrassed to go buy condoms or get them for free somewhere, they should ask ME. That should be OUR teaching/bonding/learning moment, and my kids will know they can always talk to me, even if they choose not to, but I feel like if a mama was just giving them out, no questions asked, no discussion about the risks of sex outside of just pregnancy (don't assume they know all of this), and what my expectations are as far as respecting my house and rules with regards to sex, things like that, I would feel like my child and I were deprived of that bonding and understanding if someone else on the block, who my kids might trust as a mom was giving it out, no discussion, no questions asked.

Do I want that mama to talk to my kids? NO. I want that mama to suggest to my kids that they talk to me...and because there aren't any taboo topics in our family, they can do that. But I want to know if my child is sexually active.

Okay, another honest question: no matter how open and accepting one feels themself to be as a parent, what if one's child just does not feel comfortable coming to their parent for this information?

Okay :lol: Ciara, I'm not picking on you at all, but I am quoting a couple of your statements - though they represent thoughts mentioned by several.

Okay, and before anyone gets the wrong impression, I'm not ass kissing Kas here and not feeling protective either - I just happen to not completely disagree.

And Kas...you have stated on more than one occasion that those of us without teens should basicaclly sit down and shut up because - *gasp* - we don't have any teens of our own so how could we POSSIBLY know anything...about parenting...and that sounds more judgemental to me...to ASS-UME that just because our kids hit puberty that our morals and values and deep rooted belief systems will all just fly out the window...:(

I think that there is reality to this. Those of us who are not parenting teens don't know what it is like. Really, think about it. Before I had kids, I used to do an intensive parenting program for parents involved with CPS. I thought I knew how to be a better parent than these people did (well, I mostly did given that we saw extreme cases), but I completely lacked empathy for how hard it is to be a parent. I didn't really know what it was like. Remember before you had children and you were at church and were tsk tsking the mama with the two year old squirming in their seat and you thought to yourself, "my child will never. . . " Remember?

Why is the thought any less valid when consideirng parenting a child older than one has? I can only imagine what it is like parenting a teen. I can have hopes and aspirations and goals, but I cannot say that I know what it is going to be like.

And if I knew my kids were eating at your house...and I might know they have a peanut allergy...and I would let you know that...or that they are coming to swim...I would let you know they aren't the strongest swimmers - so you could keep an eye out....

But lemme tell ya...if someones child had a reaction to a condom that he or she said came from your house...without them knowing it and them having their parents permission to have it...in a sue-happy world like we are in today...that is pretty risky business.

and, I don't get why people are all up in Kas' butt for simply having a stash of condoms. Would you sue the high school if they had a basket out? Would you sue PP if your child snatched some from their free basket?

I understand wanting to control one's own child's access to birth control, but Kas isn't saying that she is sitting down with each child and saying, "here is a condom, you should have sex." If you child were to decide to become sexually active and did not feel as if they could come to you to talk about it, wouldn't you rather that they use a condom than nothing?

I know that I would. My strong preference is that they wait. That is what I will teach, but, at the same time, I'd rather they use birth control than end up pregnant as a teen. And, I know teens - not as a parent, however - and I've yet to meet a teen IRL that, no matter how cool their parent, feels comfortable talking about themselves as a sexual being with their parent/s.

LOLOLOL

Our local high school's mascot is the Trojans, too. I can't think of them, talk about them, drive past the school, etc., without giggling. I have my mind in the gutter, a lot. LOL I didn't go to school there, but my girls will........

Well we were the Eager Beavers in middle school :lol:

i never said any of that, but will admit to thinking it at times. mostly when a parent proclaims strong-will-never-back-down-from-my-moral-beliefs, they're sure to be heartbroken by their biologically pre-programmed kids.

I am still waiting to get my heart broken by my oldest son then. He will turn 21 this summer and has chosen to remain a virgin (despite some major ribbing from a few friends). He has been dating his current girlfriend for 2 years and she feels the same as he does. Never once have I spoken to him about sex in a rigid manner, telling him that it is forbidden, dirty, or wrong. Instead, we have stressed things like integrity, respect, education, self-esteem, committment, and self-control. He would be the first to tell you that it has been difficult at times to wait, but education is important to the both of them and neither wants to chance an ill-timed pregnancy. Believe it or not, kids can be taught morals gently. There are two such 20 year olds sitting in my basement watching a movie right now.

He has been dating his current girlfriend for 2 years and she feels the same as he does. Never once have I spoken to him about sex in a rigid manner, telling him that it is forbidden, dirty, or wrong. Instead, we have stressed things like integrity, respect, education, self-esteem, committment, and self-control. Believe it or not, kids can be taught morals gently. There are two such 20 year olds sitting in my basement watching a movie right now.


agreed. it can and does happen more than people want to admit. dh is the oldest of 6 kids. only one of them had sex before marriage....and then they ended up getting married anyway.
one is still a 33 year old virgin. because she is waiting till she gets married.

but you know, you will just be told that they (your son and his girlfriend) probably have had sex and are just not telling you because you are not open enough to hear it. ;)
just saying.

but you know, you will just be told that they (your son and his girlfriend) probably have had sex and are just not telling you because you are not open enough to hear it. ;)
just saying.

That's ok. I have no rose-colored glasses and am not just believing this because I am naive. I raised this child as a single parent from the time he was a year old until he was 11. He and I have always had a very close bond because of this. He is the child who convinced a friend to come talk to me when his girlfriend found out she was pregnant. He was afraid to tell his own parents and my son convinced him that I would help out. He has been open with me about so many serious matters that I have never had any reason to question his word.

That's ok. I have no rose-colored glasses and am not just believing this because I am naive. I raised this child as a single parent from the time he was a year old until he was 11. He and I have always had a very close bond because of this. He is the child who convinced a friend to come talk to me when his girlfriend found out she was pregnant. He was afraid to tell his own parents and my son convinced him that I would help out. He has been open with me about so many serious matters that I have never had any reason to question his word.


no! I get you! I was just saying others here will say that to you ;)

no! I get you! I was just saying others here will say that to you ;)

I know, just wanted to say that I'm secure enough in my relationship with my son that I don't care if others question.

Okay, I'm coming to this thread very late as I do not have children even remotely in the teen years (though I'm sure time will pass very quickly), but this question has recently come to light in my personal life.

What if your child (not specifically YOUR child, but anyone here's child) was considering having sex or was becoming sexually risky and did not feel as if they could talk to their parent/s about it, but did feel okay talking to another neighborhood adult with whom they felt comfortable?

What if that child had a trust in the neighborhood adult, but that trust would be destroyed if the adult told the parent?

Would you want the trusted adult to tell the child where they could obtain birth control or not?

What about your child's pediatrician? Would you want your child's pediatrician to a) write a script and not tell you, b) tell the child how to obtain birth control, or c) break confidentiality and tell you?


D. any of the above.

I'm not at all opposed to my child confiding in another adult. Confiding means there's a dialogue. There's thought and caring and compassion involved. Even if it's not aligned with what *I* would do, I would at least know that the best intentions were involved.....somewhere.

The open basket argument removes a crucial element in the parent/child relationship. It removes the opportunity for discussion and consideration. Even if the child doesn't choose a parent, they generally have to get through *some* adult for contraception. Even if it's a goofy pharmacist that raises an eyebrow...at least that gives the teen pause. If only for a moment.

I don't have a teen, but I think about this stuff a lot.

I have a friend with a child I really respect. He is 17.

She had a conversation with him that was very frank about sex, bc, feelings, how she wishes he would think about sex, etc... She covered all the bases and then she said something like this to him:

"You should start now (14ish) deciding how you want things to be. You should think about sex, your virginity, and how girls feel because in the heat of the moment, you won't be able to make these decisions. NOW is the time to think it through. "

I always liked this approach because it allows the child to make his own decisions with all the information. It also creates the scenario of having a "plan" rather than just going along with those biological urges.

It allows for inserting your family values while at the same time encouraging them to make their own choices. It's very proactive approach.

This is good.

This approach is similar to the dialogue I have running with my son but fresh words and a different spin on the same theme are most welcome. :)

Thanks for sharing...you non teen mama, you. :smooch:

as said before its all about choice,, i was a teen mum and dont want my daughter going down that road if i can help it.. and i hope she stays a virgin till she is 40!!!!!!

I guess it depends on what you teach your kids from day one and the kind of friends they have.

Well I was raised "right" with proper morals, values, and supervision.
Ditto my friends. I also had protected, loving sex with my sweet, devoted, patient, gentle boyfriend when I was 17 after a year of waiting. I think I made great choices, but I was no longer "pure" and my parents sure as heck didn't know.

Okay, I'm coming to this thread very late as I do not have children even remotely in the teen years (though I'm sure time will pass very quickly), but this question has recently come to light in my personal life.

What if your child (not specifically YOUR child, but anyone here's child) was considering having sex or was becoming sexually risky and did not feel as if they could talk to their parent/s about it, but did feel okay talking to another neighborhood adult with whom they felt comfortable?

What if that child had a trust in the neighborhood adult, but that trust would be destroyed if the adult told the parent?

Would you want the trusted adult to tell the child where they could obtain birth control or not?

What about your child's pediatrician? Would you want your child's pediatrician to a) write a script and not tell you, b) tell the child how to obtain birth control, or c) break confidentiality and tell you?



If my child felt comfortable with another adult...okay that may happen. That is far different then the local house where there are condoms at the front door.

That is a situation that could happen but I don't think it's fixed by 1 mom offered condoms.

The ped....I wouldn't mind them telling my child about what is involved with sex. I wouldn't mind them educating them and letting them know PP exists. I would rather that then some lady just handing out the rubber.

and, I don't get why people are all up in Kas' butt for simply having a stash of condoms. Would you sue the high school if they had a basket out? Would you sue PP if your child snatched some from their free basket?





Because she is leaving them there for all to take and do as they please....WITHOUT ANY SEXUAL EDUCATION OR CONVERSATION.

There's the big difference.

K, I have teens, so I guess I'm 'allowed' to give my input, lol.

Dh's oldest boy is sexually active with irregular frequency. He has condoms in his drawer that he got himself. We don't provide them for him, and won't, but are very happy he got them, as dh told him how they could be obtained. We told him early on our preference was for him to wait, and we are also not providing opportunities for him to have sex.

I would feel very uncomfortable talking to any child about things I wish/hope/pray their parent's would talk to them about. I could never provide condoms. If a child opened up to me, I would try to hear them and direct them to another source of info and support besides me- like a school psychologist, a pediatrician- but first and foremost, their parents. I just have so much empathy for parents. It's so hard to raise kids, and everyone believes in doing it *so* differently. Unless I'm the one responsible for paying the tab at the end of the dinner, I don't want to be responsible for another child's worldy education. It's not my place, and I don't want it to be.


I *do* have to agree with Kas about one thing- lots and lots of parents truely aren't interested/ don't want to know what their kids are doing. We've had some really disappointing experiences with other kids parents. Absolutely clueless and no desire to be anything *but* clueless. I can't relate.

Well we were the Eager Beavers in middle school :lol:


That is too funny! Did ya'll know what it meant? :lol:

ok, after reading 10 pages I thought it was time for me to chime in. I *do* have 3 teens and so far none of them have been sexually active. My 17 y/o has had a few boyfriends here and there but she is very vocal about her desire to remain a virgin until she is in a fully committed relationship. She has the kind of friends that have no parental influence so I am kind of the person they "chat" with while they're here. We've had numerous discussions about sex and how they don't have any idea what they're doing at that age LOL. I am surprised at how many of her friends said that they are still virgins and want to stay that way. These kids tend to say "do yo know how many STD's are out there?!?" and "if I have a baby I will never get to college" but it seems that the STD issue is more on their mind.

I talk to my kids about sex all the time. I tell them that I don't expect them to stay pure until marriage but that I do expect them to fully understand the emotional and physical implications of a sexual relationship. My husband, who is the biggest prude of all, has had numerous discussion with our 15 y/o son about sex and the pitfalls of a sexual relationship at his age, but has also made it *very* clear that when that time comes he can and should come to DH and let him provide him with condoms. My kids openly ask questions about sex and relationships and I truly feel that when it's time to have the birth control talk that they will come to me. If not me, my sister has also made herself available to them.

Because she is leaving them there for all to take and do as they please....WITHOUT ANY SEXUAL EDUCATION OR CONVERSATION.

There's the big difference.

but, there's no discussion or sexual education when there's a free basket of condoms at school or pp.

Just asking. Again, I have no idea, just really curious. :hippy: oh, and you don't have to yell.

That is too funny! Did ya'll know what it meant? :lol:

many at school did. I did not. I have a very specific memory of the kids in my class laughing one day about it and I remember laughing too but not getting it. It wasn't until years later (I might even have been in college at the time) when the lightbulb went on :lol:

Okay, another honest question: no matter how open and accepting one feels themself to be as a parent, what if one's child just does not feel comfortable coming to their parent for this information?

I'd like the benefit of the doubt from one parent to another. What my child SAYS to you and what is the fact (maybe they are just trying to get away with something and using "my mom and I can't talk" to do so) could be 2 different things.

All I am saying is that if my child is spending any amount of time at your house, you and I would at least have a phone-speaking or in person rapport and I expect to know if you are handing out birth control to my kids.

ETA: The bottom line for me is that if my children don't feel like they have the maturity to ask ME instead of some neighbor for condoms, they just aren't ready to be risking making major life changes (like having babies). Right or wrong, that is really how I feel about it.

ETA: The bottom line for me is that if my children don't feel like they have the maturity to ask ME instead of some neighbor for condoms, they just aren't ready to be risking making major life changes (like having babies). Right or wrong, that is really how I feel about it.

That is EXACTLY how I feel about it - and I've told my girls that. If they're old enough to make the decision to have sex, they're mature enough to take care of things and discuss them in an adult manner. Sex is wonderful but that doesn't mean that when you're physically ready to have sex that you are mature enough to have sex.

ETA: The bottom line for me is that if my children don't feel like they have the maturity to ask ME instead of some neighbor for condoms, they just aren't ready to be risking making major life changes (like having babies). Right or wrong, that is really how I feel about it.

I think that is a very good point.

Thank you all for your response. I was just wondering what other parents felt about this. Very helpful.

but, there's no discussion or sexual education when there's a free basket of condoms at school or pp.

Just asking. Again, I have no idea, just really curious. :hippy: oh, and you don't have to yell.



The PP near me does not have a free basket out for all to help themselves to. The school does not have a basket either.

I wasn't meaning to yell. I bolded it because the question was asked a few times and most times the response has been that there is no education at Kas's house. There is education at PP and at school...if they should have a basket.

keep on keeping on, and we'll come back here in 15yrs & compare the notes we took during our kids' teen yrs, umkay?

one of mine just finished cleaning the kitchen, got dressed for an interview he has @ 4pm, and grabbed a condom out of the basket on his way out to see his gf :)

now ya see, while all of you will be getting upset that your kid's down the street (that's where his gf lives) having sex, i'm calm, in touch with reality, and perfectly fine with it. as it should be, but will never be, because so many of us are uptight, and border on frigid, ourselves.

Kas, you are just so full of yourself, it's amazing and pathetic to witness. My 17 yo ds finished doing the dishes while the rest of the children helped clean up the kitchen from their lunch, and then he took the 15, 13 and 11 yos to the library -- they're on their way home now, which I know since he just called to let me know... and he will be off to work in a few hours, sans condom because he has no girlfriend (not for lack of their trying to get him interested) and he has no interest in having one until he is prepared to be a husband and father -- which is part of the values system we have instilled in him. He may change some or all of his own values system when he is 18, 19, 20, when he is no longer living under our roof, when he determines he is ready to have a relationship with a girl, whenever... but I can guarantee you I will know about it if he loses his virginity before he is married -- guarantee it -- just the way my Dh told his mother about it when he became sexually active.

And I know my kids better than most people know themselves (I know myself pretty well also, must say). One of the reasons we homeschool is because I can confidently say it's better that I be the main influence on my children through their teen years, considering I have never ever used an illicit drug, considering I care about (and am teaching my children about) being a respectable and respectful person in our community (having sex with your girlfriend as a teen is neither respectable behavior nor is it being respectful toward either one of you, nor of your or her parents, in MY values system -- which is the same one with which I am raising my children).

Considering I must be one of the very few people (huh...) in the world who made it through my teenage years with my heartfelt morals intact ( :happy: ) yep, I do consider it best for my own influence to be foremost in my kids' lives, rather than for the influence of school teachers, their peers, or of the Kasses of this world, to factor in there heavily.

And most certainly, I'm calm... I'm confident... I'm entirely in touch with reality -- the reality of what feelings they'll entertain, what messages will and do bombard them that are contrary to my own, and also with the reality that I must continue to equip my children to know what influence they should entertain, which voices they should listen to, and how to control themselves and be respectable, responsible, healthy and safe individuals in every area of their lives -- including their sexuality. I choose to parent my children (yes, really PARENT them), I know I can trust my kids, and I do. They'll fall -- all of them in one way or another, or many ways. But I'm still going to expend my energy now, and always, constantly, to train them and equip them to live the way they should in this world. After all, if I will continue to aggressively teach an otherwise self-centered, self-absorbed child to be environmentally-conscious, then of course I will certainly continue to aggressively teach those same self-indulgent, desire-driven teens to be self-controlled sexually. Thank G-d it's not a lost cause to do so.

That is EXACTLY how I feel about it - and I've told my girls that. If they're old enough to make the decision to have sex, they're mature enough to take care of things and discuss them in an adult manner. Sex is wonderful but that doesn't mean that when you're physically ready to have sex that you are mature enough to have sex.

:agreed:

My 17 yo ds finished doing the dishes while the rest of the children helped clean up the kitchen from their lunch, and then he took the 15, 13 and 11 yos to the library -- they're on their way home now, which I know since he just called to let me know... and he will be off to work in a few hours, sans condom because he has no girlfriend (not for lack of their trying to get him interested) and he has no interest in having one until he is prepared to be a husband and father -- which is part of the values system we have instilled in him.
whew, i'm glad you have teens so you can offer a *real* opinion! ;)
so you're saying that your son actually *thinks* for himself? he doesn't act on his biologically pre-programmed need to have sex? *gasp* you mean to tell me that the values you've raised him with have actually influenced him????? :drop:


:heart: meo, me thinks i :hbeat: you!

That is EXACTLY how I feel about it - and I've told my girls that. If they're old enough to make the decision to have sex, they're mature enough to take care of things and discuss them in an adult manner. Sex is wonderful but that doesn't mean that when you're physically ready to have sex that you are mature enough to have sex.

Right this reminds me of a discussion that came up several years ago when DD and I talked about periods, why we have them, when we have them, etc. She just got RIGHT to the point and said "well, then if we can get our periods at 8, 9, 10, 13, and the purpose of a period is to conceive a baby, why are we not supposed to have sex until we are a lot older?" Oh, I had to think about that one, and my answer was that we get them well before our bodies and minds and hearts are ready to have babies as practice. We are not supposed to start having babies because our bodies aren't ready, so they need years and years of practice. That was the best answer I could come up with, but dang, kids are so smart.

She's now 11.5 and has been having her period for nearly 2 years now.

Another point.......No birthcontrol is 100%. Except abstinence. Something I would be sure to bring up.

I believe that if they think they are old enough to have sex they need to be prepared for the emotional side, and what "could" happen. Open discussion is the key.

Kas, you are just so full of yourself, it's amazing and pathetic to witness. My 17 yo ds finished doing the dishes while the rest of the children helped clean up the kitchen from their lunch, and then he took the 15, 13 and 11 yos to the library -- they're on their way home now, which I know since he just called to let me know... and he will be off to work in a few hours, sans condom because he has no girlfriend (not for lack of their trying to get him interested) and he has no interest in having one until he is prepared to be a husband and father -- which is part of the values system we have instilled in him. He may change some or all of his own values system when he is 18, 19, 20, when he is no longer living under our roof, when he determines he is ready to have a relationship with a girl, whenever... but I can guarantee you I will know about it if he loses his virginity before he is married -- guarantee it -- just the way my Dh told his mother about it when he became sexually active.

And I know my kids better than most people know themselves (I know myself pretty well also, must say). One of the reasons we homeschool is because I can confidently say it's better that I be the main influence on my children through their teen years, considering I have never ever used an illicit drug, considering I care about (and am teaching my children about) being a respectable and respectful person in our community (having sex with your girlfriend as a teen is neither respectable behavior nor is it being respectful toward either one of you, nor of your or her parents, in MY values system -- which is the same one with which I am raising my children).

Considering I must be one of the very few people (huh...) in the world who made it through my teenage years with my heartfelt morals intact ( :happy: ) yep, I do consider it best for my own influence to be foremost in my kids' lives, rather than for the influence of school teachers, their peers, or of the Kasses of this world, to factor in there heavily.

And most certainly, I'm calm... I'm confident... I'm entirely in touch with reality -- the reality of what feelings they'll entertain, what messages will and do bombard them that are contrary to my own, and also with the reality that I must continue to equip my children to know what influence they should entertain, which voices they should listen to, and how to control themselves and be respectable, responsible, healthy and safe individuals in every area of their lives -- including their sexuality. I choose to parent my children (yes, really PARENT them), I know I can trust my kids, and I do. They'll fall -- all of them in one way or another, or many ways. But I'm still going to expend my energy now, and always, constantly, to train them and equip them to live the way they should in this world. After all, if I will continue to aggressively teach an otherwise self-centered, self-absorbed child to be environmentally-conscious, then of course I will certainly continue to aggressively teach those same self-indulgent, desire-driven teens to be self-controlled sexually. Thank G-d it's not a lost cause to do so.

I wanna be like Meo. ;)

When the time comes I will try to educate them about safe sex and make sure BC is accessible. I would prefer they wait until they are out of my house but that doesn't always happen. I will not encourage them to wait for marriage.

I have read this whole thing through and I certainly don't expect to change anyone's mind...I stated my position on this back in the thread about Kas renting a hotel for her son and his gf for the purpose of sex even though the gf's mom was against it....I guess I don't understand why we can't give our kids more credit than we do. I wasn't given a lot of good information on abstaining until marriage although I knew that was what my parents wanted for me....it wasn't until later when I was in college that the really good abstinance education was offered to me. I am so glad that no one assumed I didn't have it in me to wait. Somebody out there believed in me and wanted the best for me and had the guts to lay it out there despite what the rest of the world was saying. I am so thankful. I will do the same for my teen boys only they will get the same powerful information that I got much earlier than college. Birth control and it's shortcomings and failures will be part of our "lesson." If they choose differently then, well...that is their choice. We are free will creations, but I will not for one minute ever make them think I want less for their lives than God's best. They will know from the get go what Gods expectations are for their sex lives and what the consequences are for ignoring those guidelines. They will be (are currently are) covered in prayer when it comes to their future sexual decisions. In fact, I already pray for their future wives to also be sexually pure until marriage. It's about more than just the act of sex, it about self-discipline, respect, obedience, honesty, committment, integrity, responsibility and so much more. I don't know what the outcome will be for my boys, but I know what I expect and I'd bet a lot of money that the outcome for their lives in general will be better than if I just blindly handed out bc and told them to act on their urges as they feel necessary. There's not much of a life lesson in that other than what they will learn when it all falls apart. We all make decisions we regret and sex is one of those areas that has quite a potential for regret especially for for a teen.

So, who out there will be teaching your daughters the same thing and where do you live? ;)

So, who out there will be teaching your daughters the same thing and where do you live? ;)


*raising hand* I'm all for arranging! :p

So, who out there will be teaching your daughters the same thing and where do you live? ;)

:waving: Texas. And I call dibs on the younger 2. ;)

whew, i'm glad you have teens so you can offer a *real* opinion! ;)
so you're saying that your son actually *thinks* for himself? he doesn't act on his biologically pre-programmed need to have sex? *gasp* you mean to tell me that the values you've raised him with have actually influenced him????? :drop:


:heart: meo, me thinks i :hbeat: you!

I loves me some Meo too:bow: :hbeat:

Amazingly enough there ARE teens in this world that can think for themselves and hold themselves in high regard without caving to the pressures of being "pre-programed";)

Oh and I am allowed to talk b/c my almost 17yo DD is still a virgin and is very proud of the fact that she is. I have let her read this entire thread and she is shocked by some of it to say the least. She says she is bummed to hear her kind are so doomed :hahaha:

What parents do with their children DOES matter it matters a lot, my daughter has said to me she would be heartbroken if I did not think she was worth saving herself... Her thoughts were

"Why should I keep saving myself and remain a virgin when my own Mother didn't think I am worth waiting for"

"Why should I keep saving myself and remain a virgin when my own Mother didn't think I am worth waiting for"

i don't know what smilie to even use here ---- everything from crying, to smiling, to jaw dropping, to clapping --- what your dd said is precious. from a 17 year old. wow. i can say one thing for you, mama --- you've done an awesome job!

i don't know what smilie to even use here ---- everything from crying, to smiling, to jaw dropping, to clapping --- what your dd said is precious. from a 17 year old. wow. i can say one thing for you, mama --- you've done an awesome job!

OK now I got all weepy reading your reply thank you very much:hbeat: She is a sweetie and I adore her! She is not perfect (nor are any of us) however she is a good kid, going places, and knows what she wants from life. She is not pre-programed to do anything thank goodness.

I wanna be like Meo. ;)


Me too :heart:

Me too :heart:

Me three. And my dd AND ds are being taught the value of waiting. I am hoping they will wait til marriage, and follow the values being modeled in our family. We ARE capable of making the decision quite early on that we will hold to our principles, and then stick to it, no matter what our bodily urges might tell us.

So, who out there will be teaching your daughters the same thing and where do you live?

Florida. :)

I will do the same for my teen boys only they will get the same powerful information that I got much earlier than college. Birth control and it's shortcomings and failures will be part of our "lesson." If they choose differently then, well...that is their choice. We are free will creations, but I will not for one minute ever make them think I want less for their lives than God's best. They will know from the get go what Gods expectations are for their sex lives and what the consequences are for ignoring those guidelines. They will be (are currently are) covered in prayer when it comes to their future sexual decisions. In fact, I already pray for their future wives to also be sexually pure until marriage. It's about more than just the act of sex, it about self-discipline, respect, obedience, honesty, committment, integrity, responsibility and so much more. I don't know what the outcome will be for my boys, but I know what I expect and I'd bet a lot of money that the outcome for their lives in general will be better than if I just blindly handed out bc and told them to act on their urges as they feel necessary. There's not much of a life lesson in that other than what they will learn when it all falls apart. We all make decisions we regret and sex is one of those areas that has quite a potential for regret especially for for a teen.

So, who out there will be teaching your daughters the same thing and where do you live? ;)

very well said

I will not encourage them to wait for marriage.

By this do you mean that you think they necessarily SHOULD have sex before marriage? Or just that it's OK with you if they do?

Oh goody! Lots of gorgeous girls. I'll bet growing up with such great mamas, they'll be good to my grandbabies one day.

So, who out there will be teaching your daughters the same thing and where do you live? ;)

Is arranged marriage legal here in NC? My DD is 11 ;)

I think much of the recent posts are testimony to the value of a mother MODELING self worth. What a gift it is to impart self esteem and virtue to a child. Perhaps they will not save themselves for marriage, but sometimes the most subtle messages we send our kids through modeling make the most profound impact.

I OP has shared with us her issues with self worth and self abuse... and on that premise, much of this all "adds up". I think she trivializes teen sex and doesn't give teens enough credit. The are not all out there humping telephone polls becasue they are programmed to do so.

Kas' wide variety of condoms also encourages experimentation, I think, too. It's bad enough that teens are having sex, but openg them up to colors, flavors, sizes... what's next? Dildos and butt beads? eeww.

Is arranged marriage legal here in NC? My DD is 11 ;)

Actually, my ds is already spoken for. :p My dd has options, but none set in stone yet. :hahaha:

So, who out there will be teaching your daughters the same thing and where do you live? ;)

:hippy: Us, and we're in FL.

I think much of the recent posts are testimony to the value of a mother MODELING self worth. What a gift it is to impart self esteem and virtue to a child. Perhaps they will not save themselves for marriage, but sometimes the most subtle messages we send our kids through modeling make the most profound impact.

I OP has shared with us her issues with self worth and self abuse... and on that premise, much of this all "adds up". I think she trivializes teen sex and doesn't give teens enough credit. The are not all out there humping telephone polls becasue they are programmed to do so.

Kas' wide variety of condoms also encourages experimentation, I think, too. It's bad enough that teens are having sex, but openg them up to colors, flavors, sizes... what's next? Dildos and butt beads? eeww.


I hear what you are saying, I just wanted to point out that the OP of this thread was Michelle, a very thoughtful and wise mama who does not appear to line up with the mindset outlined in your second paragraph at all.

I find it hard to believe that so many are waiting for marriage. Unless someone is with their teens 24/7 or their siblings/in laws 24/7- you don't know if they're a virgin or not.

A friend's girlfriend in High School was from a strict Catholic family and all she did was have sex- her parents had no idea. She too was saving herself for marriage. You know, born again virgin ;)

I find it hard to believe that so many are waiting for marriage. Unless someone is with their teens 24/7 or their siblings/in laws 24/7- you don't know if they're a virgin or not.

A friend's girlfriend in High School was from a strict Catholic family and all she did was have sex- her parents had no idea. She too was saving herself for marriage. You know, born again virgin ;)


Well, you know, we ARE around. We probably hang in different crowds, though, which would explain why you never met us. ;)

I find it hard to believe that so many are waiting for marriage. Unless someone is with their teens 24/7 or their siblings/in laws 24/7- you don't know if they're a virgin or not.


I do know my dd is a virgin, I trust her. I am with her most all of the time except school. I never said she was waiting for marriage. She says thinks she will wait for marriage but she has told me she will wait until she is 19yo to even consider the thought.

I'm really torn on the issue of saving oneself for marriage. I don't have any religious convictions to back me up so that may be why this isn't a black and white issue.

I cannot fathom my young teens or teen at home having sex at all. It's less about remaining pure and more about them simply being kids for goodness sakes!

By the same token, I have a hard time picturing my children as 30 yr old single virgins.

So, I guess my wishes are that while they are at home in my care, they remain virgins. Once they are able to leave home and are fully self-supporting, their personal lives are their own. One thing I realize more and more as I parent is that nothing happens at "a magical age". A person who turns 16 is no more capable of driving well than he was the day before at 15. Ages are somewhat arbitrary, but they do serve as markers to some extent.

That's why instilling strong values in my children that will take them through those teenage years are so important to me. I want them to have the healthiest relationships possible--both emotional and physical.

Lastly, I cannot clap loud enough for those teenage kids on this thread who are strong in their convictions to remain pure for their future spouse. May you find loving future partners to learn and love with.

I find it hard to believe that so many are waiting for marriage. Unless someone is with their teens 24/7 or their siblings/in laws 24/7- you don't know if they're a virgin or not.

A friend's girlfriend in High School was from a strict Catholic family and all she did was have sex- her parents had no idea. She too was saving herself for marriage. You know, born again virgin ;)

This definitely strikes a chord with me. ALL of my students, even the really responsible ones who make great choices and have great relationships with parents, think and do things that their parents have no idea about. In some classes we've spent quite a lot of time talking and/or writing about this so the kids can reflect on it (Though I've sat through many a conference when the parent tells me "X tells me everything," or "I know X would never do that.") I don't say this to second guess or undermine anyone here. Just stating the facts. It's all very complicated and there is no one right way to navigate through the teen years.

editing to add that I was that good christian girl who was commited to virginity until marriage. Easy when I didn't have a boyfriend. Once I got (aforementioned) boyfriend, I certainly did not fall quickly to carnal desires, but as the relationship progressed and he proved to be a very special person, I definitely changed my mind. Twenty years later I still am so glad he was that person for me. I could have asked for none better, though I'm sure my parents wouldn't have approved or agreed.

and ftr I'm all for teaching self respect, strong moral character, and making healthy and well thought out choices. These things carry our children through their teen years and into adulthood, even if they don't follow our ideal.

So, who out there will be teaching your daughters the same thing and where do you live? ;)

My family. Central Florida.

Kas, you are just so full of yourself, it's amazing and pathetic to witness. My 17 yo ds finished doing the dishes while the rest of the children helped clean up the kitchen from their lunch, and then he took the 15, 13 and 11 yos to the library -- they're on their way home now, which I know since he just called to let me know... and he will be off to work in a few hours, sans condom because he has no girlfriend (not for lack of their trying to get him interested) and he has no interest in having one until he is prepared to be a husband and father -- which is part of the values system we have instilled in him. He may change some or all of his own values system when he is 18, 19, 20, when he is no longer living under our roof, when he determines he is ready to have a relationship with a girl, whenever... but I can guarantee you I will know about it if he loses his virginity before he is married -- guarantee it -- just the way my Dh told his mother about it when he became sexually active.

And I know my kids better than most people know themselves (I know myself pretty well also, must say). One of the reasons we homeschool is because I can confidently say it's better that I be the main influence on my children through their teen years, considering I have never ever used an illicit drug, considering I care about (and am teaching my children about) being a respectable and respectful person in our community (having sex with your girlfriend as a teen is neither respectable behavior nor is it being respectful toward either one of you, nor of your or her parents, in MY values system -- which is the same one with which I am raising my children).

Considering I must be one of the very few people (huh...) in the world who made it through my teenage years with my heartfelt morals intact ( :happy: ) yep, I do consider it best for my own influence to be foremost in my kids' lives, rather than for the influence of school teachers, their peers, or of the Kasses of this world, to factor in there heavily.

And most certainly, I'm calm... I'm confident... I'm entirely in touch with reality -- the reality of what feelings they'll entertain, what messages will and do bombard them that are contrary to my own, and also with the reality that I must continue to equip my children to know what influence they should entertain, which voices they should listen to, and how to control themselves and be respectable, responsible, healthy and safe individuals in every area of their lives -- including their sexuality. I choose to parent my children (yes, really PARENT them), I know I can trust my kids, and I do. They'll fall -- all of them in one way or another, or many ways. But I'm still going to expend my energy now, and always, constantly, to train them and equip them to live the way they should in this world. After all, if I will continue to aggressively teach an otherwise self-centered, self-absorbed child to be environmentally-conscious, then of course I will certainly continue to aggressively teach those same self-indulgent, desire-driven teens to be self-controlled sexually. Thank G-d it's not a lost cause to do so.

meo, i wanna be you when i grow up...when i have teens i hope i'm raising them very much like you've described your child-rearing...

So, who out there will be teaching your daughters the same thing and where do you live? ;)

we live in TN near memphis and my daughter as well as my sons will be taught that...

Is arranged marriage legal here in NC? My DD is 11 ;)

Aren't you in Statesville? My Dh is the head football coach at North Iredell! We are looking to move there from Davie County if he stays there long term. Hey....you never know! Could work out!:couple:

I just wanted to add that I desired my kids to wait, but 4 of them so far have not.

We now have Ariella on the scene as well as new babe in Rachels womb.

2 of my boys have engaged even though we have talked and preached and been openly ready to talk with them ALL-

Maybe I am a crap parent...but sometimes they go on their own passions.
However my parenting has spared them so much that I seriously doubt I am a crap parent.

How many of your kids masterbate? It happens people whether we like it or not. Sex is a part of life. We as parents need be sure we try to channel their natural desires for sex. But we can only try, they will make their own decisions.

I dont expect anyone to denounce their values or morals at all because I certainly will not-but we also cannot put our head in the sand. Our teens are sexually inclined by human nature. If their faith keeps them from engaging, that is great. But if their faith does not keep them from engaging, what is the next step? To keep our head in the sand, or to think like Michelle?
I think Michelle has some important concerns we all shoudl have. Kudo's Michelle.

I was one of the mom;s that kept her head in the sand with my olders....thankfully everything is ok, but I learned with my next set of teens to be proactive about responsibility in sexuality in them.

And it is so hard many times especially if you have moral issues or faith issues hand in hand with sex.

I find it hard to believe that so many are waiting for marriage. Unless someone is with their teens 24/7 or their siblings/in laws 24/7- you don't know if they're a virgin or not.

A friend's girlfriend in High School was from a strict Catholic family and all she did was have sex- her parents had no idea. She too was saving herself for marriage. You know, born again virgin ;)

Oh, I *do* think we are in the minority (as virgins until marriage and as parents who advocate the same for their kids), but there are a few of us left. I, too, knew many girls/guys who said one thing and professed another. Everyday I am astounded at the stats about when kids are starting to have sex...at 12 and 13?!?! For me, the belief of purity until marriage stems from my personal relationship with Jesus. It's not so much about rules and such as it is a desire to be in His will. It's a hard row to hoe....I know that. I believe (and pray) that my kids will have the same type of relationship with their Lord and will also have a desire to walk every moment living out His will for their lives. A belief that is this personal profoundly affects many choice in my life that otherwise would just be up for grabs depending on my mood for the day. I have nothing against Catholics, but just because a girl is in Catholic school (or Christian or Jewish or whatever) does not mean that she has that relationship with God...it means her parents are paying tuition for her to be there and that is it. For me it is the relationship, not the name of the religion that makes a difference. I hope that made even a little sense...I was up way too late last night!

I just wanted to add that I desired my kids to wait, but 4 of them so far have not.

We now have Ariella on the scene as well as new babe in Rachels womb.

2 of my boys have engaged even though we have talked and preached and been openly ready to talk with them ALL-

Maybe I am a crap parent...but sometimes they go on their own passions.
However my parenting has spared them so much that I seriously doubt I am a crap parent.

How many of your kids masterbate? It happens people whether we like it or not. Sex is a part of life. We as parents need be sure we try to channel their natural desires for sex. But we can only try, they will make their own decisions.

I dont expect anyone to denounce their values or morals at all because I certainly will not-but we also cannot put our head in the sand. Our teens are sexually inclined by human nature. If their faith keeps them from engaging, that is great. But if their faith does not keep them from engaging, what is the next step? To keep our head in the sand, or to think like Michelle?
I think Michelle has some important concerns we all shoudl have. Kudo's Michelle.

I was one of the mom;s that kept her head in the sand with my olders....thankfully everything is ok, but I learned with my next set of teens to be proactive about responsibility in sexuality in them.

And it is so hard many times especially if you have moral issues or faith issues hand in hand with sex.

I don't think you are a crap parent! No way, No how. I do think we need to discuss all forms of birth control (being honest about it's potential failures) and we need to keep the lines of communication open so that they will share with is...like I said before, we are free will creatures and many kids raised with Christian principals will make the choice to have sex. I am just saying that I will continue to make sure they understand what God expects from them.

Kristarae - my parents are good parents who gave me lots of love and guidance and did the best they knew and I still freaked out as a teen and made on idiot decision after the other. They discovered the same thing you did, only they only had 2 so could not put it into practice after they realized it! It is helpful wtih my own kids now, to have their perspective though.

The good news is, we have an amazingly close relationship now - I know you are in the thick of some painful things with your kiddos, but as time goes on and everyone grows and matures a wee bit more - your big happy family is going to bring you so much joy (I know they do know, but yk what I mean).

KR- you are not a crap parent. Most people do the best they can with what they have at the time- and when you are looking at specific outcomes, sometimes whatever you did doesn't work. I believe what I believe about sex and teens in response to how I was raised. My mom allowed me to have sex in her home, from the age of 15 on. I'm trying a different route. I won't be able to say how effective it is until my 7 yr old is beyond his teen years, because our situation is like Kas and Meo (not making judgements, just trying to make a point of reference) trying to raise children together with our blended family. All 4 parents are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Which actually is a good point to this teens having sex business. Both dh and I had children when we were essentially still children, with other children. We all had NO idea who the other people really were, and how compatible or not we'd be as we aged. Now we are absolutley commited to raising these human beings with folks we wouldn't choose to be spending time with as adults.

I don't think you are a crap parent! No way, No how. I do think we need to discuss all forms of birth control (being honest about it's potential failures) and we need to keep the lines of communication open so that they will share with is...like I said before, we are free will creatures and many kids raised with Christian principals will make the choice to have sex. I am just saying that I will continue to make sure they understand what God expects from them.

Ditto ditto ditto. I am totally in the knowledge that my kids will be making their own decisions when they reach that age. All I can do is hope and pray that they will value dh and I and themselves enough to make a decision they won't regret. But in the meantime, I will be keeping the lines open, and the information flowing. I am open with them that sex and crushes and wild hormonal urges are totally normal, and expected; I am also trying to show them that they can be managed, and dealt with, without necessarily having to give into them. And if for some reason, they DO give into them, I want them prepared, and ready to deal with it, even if they are too embarrassed to talk to me, which is definitely going to be a good possibility :p. At least they will already have the tools and knowledge at their disposal.

My mom raised my sisters and I this way; with the deepest hope that we will live our life in accordance with our principles, but she was ALWAYS open in her communication, and in a realistic way. She was NOT like my friend's mom, who told her sex was like shoving a finger up your nose. :rolleyes: I was sitting there, thinking yeah, mankind's biggest driving industry is based around something that unpleasant...how about a little reality here? (I was 15 at the time :p ) I think we all turned out well. :D

By this do you mean that you think they necessarily SHOULD have sex before marriage? Or just that it's OK with you if they do?

Personally I hope that they date many people before getting married someday. I know that I was DH's first GF and the fact that I was the first person that he has had sex with was an issue in our marriage. Maybe our situation is unique but I wouldn't want that for my boys. I experimented sexually before meeting DH and those were not issues for me.

Personally I hope that they date many people before getting married someday. I know that I was DH's first GF and the fact that I was the first person that he has had sex with was an issue in our marriage. Maybe our situation is unique but I wouldn't want that for my boys.

Funny, it was the EXACT opposite in our marriage. I am SO happy I was his first, and he was mine, and so was he.

Funny, it was the EXACT opposite in our marriage. I am SO happy I was his first, and he was mine, and so was he.

DH ended up sleeping with 5 other women during our 10 years together. Most during our separation, he's gotten out of his system.

DH ended up sleeping with 5 other women during our 10 years together. Most during our separation, he's gotten out of his system.

Ick, I can see how that would be a problem. :( I do agree, if you are not going to be satisfied with the one person for the rest of your life, get it out of your system BEFORE you go hurting the one you are supposed to be loving and cherishing. :(

NOT necessarily as a teen, though, lol.

Thanks-I was in no way feeling attacked but I wanted to express as a mother who has tried and tried to have the opposite of what has occured, that faith, morals, and wisdon don't always work for your kids. When the majority of mama's have littles or kids that are secluded in homeschool (which I think is awesome by the way when you do have some power over who you are spending your time with)
It is hard to see how things liek this can occur

When my kids were small I felt I would NEVER go through what we have and I feel some parents really dont realize what can happen.

That is a non offensive post by the way-not saying ANYONE is doing this. But it does happen

When the majority of mama's have littles or kids that are secluded in homeschool (which I think is awesome by the way when you do have some power over who you are spending your time with)
It is hard to see how things liek this can occur

When my kids were small I felt I would NEVER go through what we have and I feel some parents really dont realize what can happen.


Oh, don't worry...I know PLENTY of homeschooled kids who managed to get into trouble. LOTS of trouble. I am TOTALLY aware that it can happen. I mean, heck, I had a MILLION opportunities to get up to sh*t. :lol: I got my first serious proposition when I was *8* :drop: Lack of opportunity ain't the problem...that's why I want my kids to know what they are getting into BEFORE the subject comes up. After that, it is up to them, and I just have to cross my fingers and pray.

I hear you KR, I really do! Just wanted you to know that I value your input as a mama who is treading waters I have not, but will be soon enough.

Oh, I *do* think we are in the minority (as virgins until marriage and as parents who advocate the same for their kids), but there are a few of us left. I, too, knew many girls/guys who said one thing and professed another. Everyday I am astounded at the stats about when kids are starting to have sex...at 12 and 13?!?! For me, the belief of purity until marriage stems from my personal relationship with Jesus. It's not so much about rules and such as it is a desire to be in His will. It's a hard row to hoe....I know that. I believe (and pray) that my kids will have the same type of relationship with their Lord and will also have a desire to walk every moment living out His will for their lives. A belief that is this personal profoundly affects many choice in my life that otherwise would just be up for grabs depending on my mood for the day. I have nothing against Catholics, but just because a girl is in Catholic school (or Christian or Jewish or whatever) does not mean that she has that relationship with God...it means her parents are paying tuition for her to be there and that is it. For me it is the relationship, not the name of the religion that makes a difference. I hope that made even a little sense...I was up way too late last night!

well said. dh is dean of students in a christian school. most of the kids in his school are not christian. neither are their parents. they are sent there because the parents are under the assumption that if they pay someone else enough $$$, the christian teachers will handle the morality issues for them. by the time these kids are in junior high, it's a tad too late to teach someone morality. dh deals with drugs, porn, sex, and teen pregnancy on a daily basis, and his school is a private christian school, just like thousands of private christian schools all over the country. just b/c it has christian or catholic or hebrew in it's name doesn't mean the students OR the parents believe what the school teaches. that is the parent's job, not a teachers.

that being said, i do think that although the number of teens and young adults who have taken a vow to purity until marriage is small, it's growing. i teach a large group of teen girls and am awed by their resolve and intelligence. our group started prayerwalking a few months ago and we've added about 35 girls from the community (for those of you who know nola, i'm talking about gentilly and the upper 9th) -- and all of these girls (aged 13-19) are set to change their generation. ;) :lol: they are passionate about spreading the word of God's love. and as one of my little 14 yr olds said the other night, "ain't no boy gonna love me like my God does." :D -- yea, naysayers may throw in that she'll change her tune, but i don't believe that. i see the change that's taken place in her life, and a true, genuine encounter with the resurrected Christ will change a person for good.

sermon over. :smirk:

I am one of the Mamas who wants to raise her son to be pure until marriage. And yes, we are Catholic and I'm basing it on our belief system. And on the fact that I want him to respect and value himself and any girl he goes out with.

I was raised by parents who didn't teach me to respect and value myself. They taught me that sex was dirty and wrong and that if any boy touched me (or if I touched myself) that I was dirty. I had numerous cousins having babies out of wedlock and they all pointed at them and told me not to dare follow in their footsteps.

Not once did they tell me that I was a good human being.

I want my son to know that he IS a good person, and that it is worth waiting for marriage. I, too, am one of those Mamas who prays for the right girl to come along for my son. I've told him that's what dating is for, to find the right life partner, the one God has chosen for him. Yes, he's only 7 (almost 8!) but I truly believe if we raise him with these goals and values, he can live them.

Thanks-I was in no way feeling attacked but I wanted to express as a mother who has tried and tried to have the opposite of what has occured, that faith, morals, and wisdon don't always work for your kids. When the majority of mama's have littles or kids that are secluded in homeschool (which I think is awesome by the way when you do have some power over who you are spending your time with)
It is hard to see how things liek this can occur

When my kids were small I felt I would NEVER go through what we have and I feel some parents really dont realize what can happen.

That is a non offensive post by the way-not saying ANYONE is doing this. But it does happen

:hug: I'm not dealing with exactly the same things you are right now, but I've had things come up that totally caught me off guard. Not bad, but definitely different than I was expecting.

I just wanted to add that it is great that our generation is discussing this...I bet it didn't happen as much with our moms and their frineds or in the generations before. Maybe this is why Jen is seeing a growing trend of teens being committed to purity....the topic is less taboo in our homes because it has to be. There is more at stake now...the worst that was talked about with previous generations was pregnancy. Now it's death and most recently cancer. I remember hearing about AIDS for the first time in college, but it was such a remote thing then. Now my preteen knows what it is.

I hear what you are saying, I just wanted to point out that the OP of this thread was Michelle, a very thoughtful and wise mama who does not appear to line up with the mindset outlined in your second paragraph at all.

OH MY GOSH!!! I appologize to the OP, I thought this was a KAS o/post. I AM SO SORRY!! MY BAD MY BAD..... I meant Kas.

My youngest sister is 16 and I've had a fair amount of input in her upbringing. I'm 30, my other sister is 28, my brother is 25. I plan to have real honest discussions with my youngest sister because I can see her going down the same path. Actually, I know she's already doing sexual things whether she's a virgin or not. And I feel this urgency to talk about what a big deal this is. Not only whether she gets pregnant or not, but infections and heartache. I want her to feel good about her choices and own them.

As much as my parents have banged it into all our heads about never-doing-anything-more-than-kissing-before-you're-married-because-God-and-the-church-say-so it really hasn't worked the way they wanted. We all had sexual (to varying degrees) relationships before marriage, but all of us did stuff we shouldn't have and that Mum-and-Dad-and-the-church would have freaked over.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that if they knew the things we were forced to lie to them about they would have literally locked us up, because they told us that all the time. Boarding school was a true threat and they did enroll us, not that I can see that would have been such a healthy puritanical environment either. They had absolutely no tolerance and we knew it. So we just lied. What choice did we have, really? Non-stop teenage lying to our parents about who we were with and what we were doing. I really don't want that for my kids. I know they know that their birthparents had babies before they were ready and it was difficult for them to know what was the right thing to do. It's just a complicated situation that you don't have to be in.

If they feel in their hearts that they are ready to be adults and make adult decisions about their bodies. If they are in love and prepared to be accountable for their choices, then I can't fault it.

Kerri

I have conflicting feelings on sex prior to marriage. On one hand, I see my children being very much like me and having deep attachments quickly. Already, they are getting hurt. I spent a tormented childhood because of my inclination to form deep attachments to those that did not reciprocate.

However, I also see friends who did not "sleep around" prior to marriage and are now in sexless marriages or in ones that sex is a chore because it is uninspiring or lacks fun. They are just not suited to each other. I would hate that for my children.

I think an open discussion about masturbation should be done with conversations on birth control. There has been many a time when DH and I have made it through periods where sex was not an option by masturbating, either together or alone. And, we do need to be open about all birth control and its failure rates and side effects. After using condoms for years before we were ready for children, I am glad our condom failure came later in our marriage. But, it did not come without consequences. Our children need to know that we still face these issues. Perhaps they can work on better options for us.

I also take issue with the statement that non-Christians do not teach their children morals. That is a broad generalization. IME, just as many Christians are not teaching their children morals.

I also take issue with the statement that non-Christians do not teach their children morals. That is a broad generalization. IME, just as many Christians are not teaching their children morals.

i don't think anyone said that -- there's no way i am going to go back thru 14 pgs to find out ;) -- but when *i* have referred to morals or values on this thread, i should have specified *Christ-like* morals and values (won't even say "Christian" because that is a term that is loosely thrown around, imo). and to your last statement, i have no knowledge of the Christians you are referring to, so i cannot comment. :)

Aren't you in Statesville? My Dh is the head football coach at North Iredell! We are looking to move there from Davie County if he stays there long term. Hey....you never know! Could work out!:couple:

Yep! My kids go to the excellent charter school here in town! You guys should TOTALLY move here! Either way, you guys aren't far away!!!!

Well, you know, we ARE around. We probably hang in different crowds, though, which would explain why you never met us. ;)

LOL, Nope, not with all my free love hippy friends ;) I didn't know any virgins!

:cuc: :cuc: :cuc: :smooch: :smooch: :smooch:

:hippy:

I just want to bring up one point that I haven't seen discussed here and that is expectations. Those who have no problem with their kids having sex at early ages seemingly have the expectation that they will "do it anyway". In this and prior discussions, it has been mentioned that talks with the children about sex and birth control seem to center upon this, "they'll do it anyway" mentality.

Doesn't anyone see this as problematic? If I tell my son to not worry about his math grade because "you'll fail anyway" or if I tell him not to worry about the party he is going to because I know, "you'll drink anyway" then am I not setting this child up to fail? Am I not, in effect, giving him my stamp of approval and telling him that he is not strong enough to control himself and resist peer pressures? What kind of message is this?

I just want to bring up one point that I haven't seen discussed here and that is expectations. Those who have no problem with their kids having sex at early ages seemingly have the expectation that they will "do it anyway". In this and prior discussions, it has been mentioned that talks with the children about sex and birth control seem to center upon this, "they'll do it anyway" mentality.

Doesn't anyone see this as problematic? If I tell my son to not worry about his math grade because "you'll fail anyway" or if I tell him not to worry about the party he is going to because I know, "you'll drink anyway" then am I not setting this child up to fail? Am I not, in effect, giving him my stamp of approval and telling him that he is not strong enough to control himself and resist peer pressures? What kind of message is this?


Okay, this seems to be a theme that I have a hard time with. I hardly think that those who believe it is in the realm of possibility for their children to have sex as teens, are okay with sex at an early age, or even expect it. From my perspective, it is a possibility, therefore, I must make sure that my children are aware of ways to protect themselves, consequences of sex (bad and good), and why it is important to wait (morally, spiritually, emotionally and for health reasons). It is absolutely NOT that I am encouraging it. I do hope that my children wait, and I will encourage and expect that, while making sure they are aware of how to protect themselves. However, statistics show that the vast majority of teens will have had a sexual encounter before they graduate from high school. These are my experiences AS A PREACHER'S DAUGHTER in rural, bible belt America, no less. I am not encouraging my children to have sex, and I resent the fact I am thought of as okay with or encouraging of risky behavior just because I choose to make sure my children know how to protect themselves. :rolleyes:

We all approach this parenting thing differently, and there is no one right way to do it, and no proven way to keep our children from making mistakes. All I can do is my best to make sure that my children are armed with the information they need to make good decisions, even if I don't approve.

And I also want to say that my oldest is only 10, so I reserve the right to lock her up when she is 16. ;)

I definitely think that many kids my age and older (and maybe younger, too), were done a disservice by parents who were very strict on "wait until marriage". It was given as "don't have sex! Stay away from sex! You might get pregnant! You might get an STD! Don't have sex!" You know, scare tactics, no real discussion.

And the reality is--even when you're a teenager, you are often faced with very real desires. SEX FEELS GOOD. It's true! I was never really told that. I knew I would wait until marriage (and I did!), but I really thought just planning to wait would be enough. I didn't realize I would really want to have sex so much, particularly with my now-DH, whom I dated for 3 years before we got married. (who also waited until marriage!)

In my college years, I vowed that my discussions with my teens, with any teens, would be a lot more real than just "don't have sex!" More about how you'd really want to have sex, especially if it was with someone you loved. But that there are plenty of ways to express that love, and sex before marriage is not without consequences. Sure, pregnancy and STDs are some of them. But there are also emotional issues I want my kids to consider. And of course, as Christians we believe that sex is not only recreational, but it is a joining of two people to one.

We will raise our boys with the expectation of waiting for marriage--we did, after all. But I do know that kids will also make their own choices, and I will not disown or reject my kids if they do have sex before marriage. I really do hope that they will have really made thoughtful decisions, though, because of open dialogue that we have even now. I don't know how we'll handle birth control/condoms and the discussion of them. Our boys are still so young, and I admit I haven't thought about that, yet.

I do find it kind of sad that so many think that waiting until marriage is a bad thing, or damaging. Perhaps it isn't/wasn't your choice. Perhaps your kids will choose otherwise. I'm fine with that. However, that doesn't negate that someone else's choice is very valid for them. My DH and I are not repressed sexually. We are very close, and enjoy each other greatly. Sex is very healing in our relationship, as well as feeling good ;) I do not regret my choices at all; in fact, I remain so glad that my DH and I have never had another partner.

I agree with the whole expectation thing. I have the expectation that my kids are smart and have the ability to think things through more than "sex is bad - don't do it". We've had tons of talks about dating and sex - very frank conversations - and I have full faith in my girls to wait until they're married. They have friends around them with the same standards and so don't feel like "weirdos" for wanting to wait. Of course they are teased at school, but that's OK. They're going to save that wonderful gift to open on their wedding night and there is something really wonderful about that. As I've said, my DH was my only love - not just the only man I have had sex with - and I know that I'm the only one for him too. We've instilled a vision into our girls of what is waiting for them if they wait until their wedding night - and they've taken that vision as their own. My girls have even already written letters to their future husbands, which I think is so cool! :D

Okay, this seems to be a theme that I have a hard time with. I hardly think that those who believe it is in the realm of possibility for their children to have sex as teens, are okay with sex at an early age, or even expect it.

I think the majority of us believe that it is well within the realm of possibility. That isn't really what I was addressing. I was addressing those who truly are ok with sex at an early age and who DO feel that is just a given that they will do it. They are on this thread and others here at Amity's. It is a sentiment I have heard many times over irl.

I believe that sometimes we give our kids so little credit and have such low expectations for them. We dread the teenage years because we are told that teenagers rebel, lie, have sex, drink and do drugs. We expect mood swings and confrontations. We expect that we will need to lock them in their rooms for 5 or 6 years. I am just saying that it doesn't need to be that way. Kids can be taught to both live up to your expectations as well as create them for themselves. They can be taught to have lofty goals while still knowing that you will love and support them even when they stumble.

Angela, you might want to rethink that date. I was a "good" girl and was sexually active before 16.

I think expectations are a lot. I expect my girls to wait until they are in a loving committed relationship. We will discuss in depth the meaning of that because when your hormones are screaming and your boyfriend is horney too, it may feel an awful lot like love.

I also think Dads play a HUGE role in this too. What part is he playing?

dj lost his virginity a few mos ago and is still with the young womyn. we keep a basket of condoms by the garage door (which is how we enter/exit from our house) that he can easily grab on his way out.

the basket is also made available to his friends, at any point in time, with no questions asked (i grew tired of 9/10/11pm phone calls from his friends/girlfriends who were iso a condom to have sex).

i stock it monthly, and always buy whatever's on sale, to assure there's a variation in selection :)

Have I told you today how much you rock? I think you are just the most understanding mom. I wish my mom had done something like this for me.

Okay, this seems to be a theme that I have a hard time with. I hardly think that those who believe it is in the realm of possibility for their children to have sex as teens, are okay with sex at an early age, or even expect it. From my perspective, it is a possibility, therefore, I must make sure that my children are aware of ways to protect themselves, consequences of sex (bad and good), and why it is important to wait (morally, spiritually, emotionally and for health reasons). It is absolutely NOT that I am encouraging it. I do hope that my children wait, and I will encourage and expect that, while making sure they are aware of how to protect themselves. However, statistics show that the vast majority of teens will have had a sexual encounter before they graduate from high school. These are my experiences AS A PREACHER'S DAUGHTER in rural, bible belt America, no less. I am not encouraging my children to have sex, and I resent the fact I am thought of as okay with or encouraging of risky behavior just because I choose to make sure my children know how to protect themselves. :rolleyes:

We all approach this parenting thing differently, and there is no one right way to do it, and no proven way to keep our children from making mistakes. All I can do is my best to make sure that my children are armed with the information they need to make good decisions, even if I don't approve.

And I also want to say that my oldest is only 10, so I reserve the right to lock her up when she is 16. ;)

Great post Angela and I'm ITA!!!!

I definitely think that many kids my age and older (and maybe younger, too), were done a disservice by parents who were very strict on "wait until marriage". It was given as "don't have sex! Stay away from sex! You might get pregnant! You might get an STD! Don't have sex!" You know, scare tactics, no real discussion.



My parents did this, and it did not work out as they planned. Once I got to college I went wild- all with no sense of self esteem. It was a complete disservice.

I may not have the same religious beliefs as you, but I do agree that you have to cover all aspects of sex in discussions. That 'don't do it' mentality with no further discussion does no good. Whether we want our children to wait until marrigae or not, we do want our children to love and respect themselves. We also want them to know the whys of what they are doing. Forbidding things works if we can absolutely control the situation. I would rather my girls know that they are special and deserve love and respect, no matter what. :) Hopefully having a strong sense of self and love for themselves will help them make the right decisions.

I lost my virginity (well, to a man, lol) to my dh before we got married. We were engaged. I was 23. I'm very glad I didn't wait until my wedding night. It hurt, I bled some, I was uncomfortable for a few days. Dh was very gentle, that wasn't an issue. Dh's only other experience was a disaster physically. They were sexually incompatible. They really liked each other but their sex life would probably not have been very satisfying. Losing my virginity was very special and tender, so was my wedding night. I got sweet and tender twice :heart:.

Anyway, it's worth thinking about.

I have only ever had sex with DH but I was 15 when we started. I had the same expectations from my parents I have for my girls - committed relationship. It probably wasn't when we started having sex. It became that way later. I realize now that it was not at the point it should have been when we started having sex. The relationship should have been stronger. That is something I really want my girls to understand.

More on my comment about dads. I know research shows they play a huge part in both girl's and boy's perception of sex. Most of my reading has been about their effect on girls. They greatly influence their self-esteem which in turn plays a big part on when and why they choose to become sexually active. DH makes every effort to be fully involved in the girls' lives and they have developed hobbies together.

Another issue on my mind is studies are showing that many girls are becoming active in oral and . . . other sex (being polite on the open board) in lieu of intercourse to preserve their virginity. Neither forms of sex involves the threat of pregnancy so many are not using any form of protection, opening themselves up to STDs. How have you handled that conversation with your teen?