We were at my cousin's house today for a family get together. My uncle and his wife were there (she married him before I was born but I won't call her my aunt anymore b/c at my grandfather's funeral she introduced me and my brothers as "my husband's sister's children". Ugh. She's been a witch all my life.) Anyhoo, long story made short: she has this way of making me feel really small. I realize I allow her to do this. So how do I change that? I know we have less that they do. And that seems to be the way they measure their wealth and happiness (one of their sons is married with a daughter, their only grandchild, they have this huge new house, brand new cars, a dog that cost $350 (my uncle told me this), designer clothes, the list goes on). *I* don't measure happiness like that. I love my itty-bitty 1923 house, used cars that are paid for, clothes that are clean and nice looking (if slightly worn), no debt except the mortgage and the fact that we all sleep in the same bedroom. But for whatever reason I feel less than adequate around them. I've already decided that we should forgo family activities at this cousin's house (he's single and his house is not kid friendly at all).

I felt the same way when dh's 2 brothers came to help us move. They didn't say anything but the one owns a huge house in Colorado and makes tons of money and the other is house hunting for the first time and the house they've picked out is 2100 sf (this one is just under 800, not including the basement).

What else is hard for me is the fact that all of the kids that were there today were all typical and my son is autistic. I'm OK with his austism. It has taken me a long time but I'm at a place where I have accepted that this is what I have been given. But I know that my uncle feels sorry for us and for Kevin for his autism. i don't want pity and I feel anger when I hear him or anyone say that.

My family really stands out in a crowd. I'm over 6 feet tall and very obese, dh is a good 5 inches shorter than I and ds is almost 5 and obviously "different" (doesn't talk, hums a lot and flaps his hands).

Sigh. I have no idea what I am looking for here but bless you if you made it all the way through this and have some wise words for me. I do know that I don't need to hear "don't worry about what other people think". I've been hearing that all my life and it isn't helping here. :(

(((hugs))) Karen. It's hard to be different and proud of it when you are surrounded by 'typical'. My SIL has a great big house out in Loveland, and since she is the only one with a house big enough, we go there every Thanksgiving/Christmas. They can barely tolerate Corey (ds with ADHD) and call Dh and I 'hippies' and laugh uncomfortably every chance they get. They only invite us when it's holiday time, all the other sibs and in laws get regular invites to social gatherings, vacations, neighborhood parties, etc.
At work, it's bad too. Anderson is quite a snooty place.
I won't tell you it doesn't matter, cause sometimes it feels like it does. :( Just wanted to tell you I've been there too. And that I think you are cool! :)
Bethany

Karen, you have a heart of gold!
Hugs to you. I won't tell you that you shouldn't care what other people think. You already know that...Even though we know that wealth is not measured by the sq. footage of your house, what you wear or what's in your driveway it's still frustrating and downright exhausting to be surrounded by people who do measure it that way. So that makes family gatherings draining and uncomfortable.
I got tired of that feeling. We measure wealth in that we are so rich to have a roof, warmth, food, clothes, and our family. We have nothing. Our apartment is 35 years old and is a 4th floor walkup. No one will visit because there are too many stairs. We don't have cable, use those horrid CLOTH diapers, and don't go shopping for clothes except at secondhand shops. I horrify my family, who all drive 2003 model cars, live in huge waterfront homes, and shopping at the Gap is on their weekly to-do lists. They have maids to come in and clean, eat expensive seafood, talk about golf and the stock market.
I am the youngest in my family so therefore I can get away with murder. I never pass up a chance to sound off my anti-consumerist views. I go out of my way to alienate them by pointing out what's important. What MATTERS. I drive them all nuts. But it makes me feel so good to not sit there while they get away with the snottiness, you know? Snootiness, maybe is a better word.
Secretly I believe they envy us. It works for me. They envy our maintenance free apartment. Heck we don't have to call anyone to come mow the grass! I don't have to drag my kids around shopping malls while they whine for the latest Tommy H shirt-my kids clamor for me to sew them a new doll or a new shirt lol
Hugs mama. It sucks. Especially since they don't listen. Stand out, stand tall. Be proud. You have such a beautiful family and are a sweet mama. Wish I knew you in real life. :heart:

((((HUGS))))

I am the mama to a 6 year old autistic boy. I consider it an honor that God chose me for his mother. I f other people look down on him or are annoyed by him...well....that's because they don't see the blessing that he is. He loves freely and completely with no strings attached...God considered YOU the best mama for your little boy. That is an honor. Be proud. You are a beautiful person.

I drive a crappy old van. My SIL never lets an opportunity go by to make a nasty little comment about it. That is HER insecurity speaking. Deep down inside, these people that put you down are heck of intimidated by you because you are making choices that go against the grain.

Hold your head up high. When you die none of the beautiful cars go with them.. Your legacy of love to your children will last long after you're gone.

There is nothing wrong with standing out! you are an admirable family!!!

((((((Karen))))))) I have met you IRL and think you are a beautiful wonderful mama! You also have a heart of gold. I wish we could have stayed in touch better....

It does really suck to have family that looks down on you...but you know what? I have started looking at it from thw veiwpoint that they are jealous. They have to constantly "buy" things to make themselves happy.....we just ARE happy. *grin*

You hold your head up mama...you and your family are wonderful!!!

Hugs,
Kelly
mama to Seamus

{{{HUGS}}}

I so know how you feel.....no one in my family will vist us at all....they all look down at us.....my mom and sis live 5 min away but I can count one one hand how many tims they have been here. When I told my aunt who has to kids around the ages of mine about all the wonderful things about cd she called me a tree hugger...whatever!!!! Since dh has been off work due to his illness we havnt had much money we live in a bad part of the city have no car and we also shop for clothes at second hand stores.

It is sooo easy to say ..who really cares what they think but I know how much it hurts.

PPl tend to look at a preson and think they are good if they have a lot of stuff live in big homes fancy cars etc and tend not to look at the real person how they are on the inside.

Oh Karen :( I'm sorry you are hurting so! It must be really difficult when your own family is not supportive. I wish I could say something that would make it all better. Instead, I'll just have to tell you that I think you are wonderful no matter what! ((HUGS!))

Karen life is not built on material things without those material things what would they really have in life you have to ask. Life is built on the individuals that we are and who we are and who we want to become with the dreams that we have for ourselves. Take care and smiles to you. I know this hurts when it is our family that do the things they do, but relax and I hope you have a better day.

I just wanted to send you some {{{{{{{{[HUGS}}}}}}}}}.

I've have dealt with this on both spectrums. My siblings were jealous of me years ago when I had an upper middle class lifestyle(jet-set lifestyle--making great money) and they would call me a snob.

Now, I'm more middle-class--get by fine, single mom and my boyfriend is more upper class and has upper class society friends(we go to all the "clubs") When I speak of cloth diapers and buying clothing second-hand---he even whences.He gives me the puzzled look, when I say "I went to the thrift store today."(He would never venture into one.) Or I get the "poor single mom" look...

If I had a ton of money. I'd still buy clothing second-hand and I love cloth diapers.
People can accept me for me or move on. People are people and everyone goes to the bathroom. :)

You're a beautiful mama.

PS: Erin, love your picture, and I would be happy to go up the stairs to visit you.



Yvonne
<br><a href="http://orangestarfish.com"><img src="http://orangestarfish.com/pics/orange.gif"></a>

Thanks mamas! I feel better now.

We're not materialistic people, my parents aren't either but the rest of my family (brothers, IL's, cousins, uncles, etc.) are to varying degrees. We try to avoid consumerist behavior (buy things used, recycle old stuff into new, you should see what I can make out of an old cotton sweat suit :D etc.). FWIW we *can* afford a bigger house, even around here where housing is much more expensive than where we were living. But we choose to live well within our means, even if it means selling a bunch of our stuff to fit in a smaller house.

I have an IRL friend who went through the same thing a few years ago. THey had "The House" in "The Neighborhood". I never saw it but have heard enough to realize it was extremely expensive and huge. SHe had her first baby, intending on going right back to work but once she held her dd she told her dh she wasn't going to leave her baby. So they sold the house and moved to a much smaller one. This story makes me feel good up to this point. HOWEVER her "smaller house" is about twice the size of this one. She's not materialistic either and doesn't make me feel bad about my little house, I do that to myself. ARGH! We're really very happy here. Guess I still need to work on not letting other people's lifestyles dictate how I feel about what we have.

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}} Karen. I wish I had wonderful words of advice for you. I have days when I relish the fact that we don't have a lot of stuff, don't drive huge vans/trucks, have the latest in clothes. My kids are so happy with the simple things. A hot wheel car. a meijer brand popsicle (or even better---homemade!). They don't know what is "cool" (yet??!).

Then, there are days when I wish we could at least have a van. Or at least be able to afford paint for the walls. Or wood for Ken to build a sand and water table. Or when I hear of the inlaws going on vacations and private schools.

It's hard to live in a society where everyone has to be "the Joneses."

Be proud of who YOU are. You are beautiful, generous, kind, loving, and I am lucky to call you my friend.