tell me that I will get thru this. It's really bad right now with my almost 14 year old. I'm even going to cancel her birthday celebration (Saturday). I can't believe how bad it's getting. Every time I think that she's FINALLY getting her act together, something happens. I really don't know what to do. We all want to see the best in our kids, but I think that it's time for me to wake up and smell the coffee. :wah: :wah:

well I am right there with you.
My daughter is 17 now and it has gotten harder, not easier.
She is beautiful, bright, charming, funny, kind, sweet, generous, loving and in general an amazing person.
she also 'forgets' to take out the trash, thrashes her room, fails geometry, lies on occasion over the stupidest things, won't get off the ****ed phone and/or internet, thinks she is smarter then we are, may ruin her chances of any type of formal education after highschool, can be rude and downright nasty and speaks with a hateful tone 80% of the time - especially if we are calling her out on her nonsense.

It is very very hard. I drink alot of coffee and pray alot. I am not sure what to do. I continue to tell her I love her, that I like her and that together we will get thru this but that if she is rude to me, lies to me etc - that it is very hard for me to be a loving, supportive mama. So she needs to let me help her , but being kind to me.

Sigh. Teenagers are so tough

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

:hug: :rub: :big hug:

I hear ya, i have a 13 yr old whom i love very much but sometimes just dont plain like. She is very smart, beautiful and talented but can be so tempermental i sometimes wanna smack the crap out of her, she is especially snotty to her siblings if they ask for help but then wants everyone to bend over backwards to help her. She isnt too snotty with my dh and I (yet)because well she knows better but she has tried to see how far she can go on a few occasions my main thing is the lying about doing things, i CANT STAND to be lied to so if i ask you if you did your chore and you say yes it better be done, but usually she hasnt done a dang thing. I dont ask much of the kids other than to pick up after themselves and on occasion do something to help me out but i cant get her or my 11 yr old really to do anything, its very frustrating and i dont have any answers other than eventually they will leave our house and finally then hopefully they will see that we werent full of BS like they thought we were.

Oh and dont get me started on her room, both of my older 2 are plain arse slobs when it comes to their rooms, ive kinda given up on that unless it starts to travel out into the hall. I dont know how they know where anything is, but i try not to freak out about it too often only because i remember not being the greatest room cleaner when i was younger either and so i pick my battles.

teenagers are a species all their own. I wish ya luck. I just pray i make it through 4 teenagers. One day at a time,lol.

Oh ive done the cancelling of parties before too sometimes things get bad enough they call for drastic measures.

My daughter is 17 now and it has gotten harder, not easier.
She is beautiful, bright, charming, funny, kind, sweet, generous, loving and in general an amazing person.
she also 'forgets' to take out the trash, thrashes her room, fails geometry, lies on occasion over the stupidest things, won't get off the ****ed phone and/or internet, thinks she is smarter then we are, may ruin her chances of any type of formal education after highschool, can be rude and downright nasty and speaks with a hateful tone 80% of the time - especially if we are calling her out on her nonsense.

Barb, I could have written the above, even down to the failing geometry, execpt my teen is 16.

Ok...Well, here's from the other side..Alexis just turned 20 and we got through it. She was really horrible from 16-18 mainly. Before that she had soccer which kept her very busy because she was good at it, but then she had a major injury and the teenage rebel went nutso.

Today she is working full time for a public defender's office, going to school part time with the intention of becoming a nurse/midwife. This child is very very smart, and yet almost didn't graduate high school she was getting so crazy. Life threw us all a lot of curve balls in those years, but she's alive, she's well, and we talk constantly. Our relationship got strong because despite all the fighting, at least I was her safe harbor, yk?

In some respects, the fighting, the crazy stuff, it's what is supposed to happen..and if it is happening rather than having a child completely shut you away, it's hard, but it's good. A child won't fight with you if they don't feel loved, yk?

Anyway..it's going to be OK. :D

:hug: I can understand how you feel. My dd just turned 14 and all I can say is some days she is good,tries real hard wants to help etc and on others it is total hell,major attitude rudeness etc. Its hard somethimes I tell you. But from what I hear from others it is normal teenage behaviour,but sometimes I want to ripe out my hair :lol:

mine is an almost 16yo son and this has become my mantra-

"He will find his way. I can't see his way because it is not my way. But I KNOW he will find his way. It will be an amazing path-- something I can not even dream of.....but it is out their for him and I know he will find it"........without me and probably in spite of me. LOL

In the meantime mamas....keep it simple...just like with a toddler...lol....for us that means saying "take out the trash" 20 times...he may piss and moan but as long as we keep it simple and leave out all the yammering (like-- how many times do i have to tell you to take out the trash?!?!? why do you always have to be told?!?!?!? When are you going to yaddda yadda yuckies.) the storm rises and falls very quickly.

And try and remember that it IS THEIR JOB TO CHALLENGE US. This is how they learn where the boundaries are and what they can expect. Think of the mental/intellectual challenge as the same thing as the toddler who is learning to walk and grabs things. Here these young people are growing up and getting more freedom and responsibility and they are both excited and frightened all at the same time. Be clear. Be consistent. Be patient.

And this to shall pass. LOL

The bottom line for me it that at this age they know on some level that you really can't 'make' them to much. We have to generate cooperation, not take it personal, and pray, mediate or medicate. LOL

Luna
mama to a 15yo with 3 F's, who scores off the charts, and it about as lazy as they come---- oh and filthy!!! :lol: ......and kind and gentle and caring to everyone except his parents. :)

Good message there Luna..you have great perspective!

we have days like this. TBH, my kids have tons of privileges, and I will take them away in a heartbeat if they become obstinate. Just like acting up at work and not doing your job well will get you written up/possibly fired, I will do the same at home. My 15 yo has a permit, cell phone, ipod, computer, allowance, and PS2. That is all subject to being yanked in an effort to adjust her attitude. She did fail Latin this term, but she is doing VERY well in all of her other classes and I have to accept that she will be good in some areas and not others.

We do have days where she gets pretty snotty but I just remind her that she can go into her room and scream all kinds of venomous things into her pillow so long as I don't hear them lol. Most of the time she takes me up on that offer. Honestly though, if I just point out what I don't like about her behavior she tries to do better. I think she doesn't even realize how difficult she is being until I point it out. Hell, sometimes *I* don't realize how difficult I am until I get called on it.

Just keep repeating "this too shall pass".

pray, mediate or medicate. LOL



:lol: Maybe I should go for the medicate?

oops! that was supposed to say 'meditiate' LOL

for me i just walk in the other room and have a glass of wine....:lol:

Luna

In some respects, the fighting, the crazy stuff, it's what is supposed to happen..and if it is happening rather than having a child completely shut you away, it's hard, but it's good. A child won't fight with you if they don't feel loved, yk?

Anyway..it's going to be OK. :D

I want to remember this - my time is coming up very quickly!

oh mamas, I wish it were as simple as a messy room. Really, it's way worse. And it's not grades either. :( Try hanging out with liars, lying herself, she let people in the house when she wasn't supposed to and they stole money from me, and now today, I found condoms. :drop: :wah: :vent: :wah:

I am in hetero/girl crush love with Luna!

oh mamas, I wish it were as simple as a messy room. Really, it's way worse. And it's not grades either. :( Try hanging out with liars, lying herself, she let people in the house when she wasn't supposed to and they stole money from me, and now today, I found condoms. :drop: :wah: :vent: :wah:

I'm sorry mama. I don't have girls, but I do have teen boys. And mine (at least the oldest) is NO angel. Without taking away responsibility from her actions, it sounds like she is hanging with a bad crowd. Any chance of removing her from her school, or situation?

Also, if her bday celebration is family only, can I just plead with you not to cancel it?

One more thing... do you think she is the one having sex? In my experience, girls who are that precocious could use counseling. (((hugs)))

oh mamas, I wish it were as simple as a messy room. Really, it's way worse. And it's not grades either. :( Try hanging out with liars, lying herself, she let people in the house when she wasn't supposed to and they stole money from me, and now today, I found condoms. :drop: :wah: :vent: :wah:

It sounds like you need to figure out what your boundaries are and let those be known. If your boundaries are violated, you must take action. If she is going to have sex and you do not approve, think about it. Is she doing it exclusively because you don't approve and it will get a rise out of you? Can you find a way to make sure your daughter is safe? I would set some rules and when they are broken, make sure you follow through on the consequences. For example, Alexis was not allowed to have boys in her room, when she violated that, she was punished. You must be a present parent to punish your child. I hope that makes sense.

When Alexis decided she wanted to have sex, rather than freak out about it, I decided that my boundaries were that she must be safe at all costs. That meant a trip to Planned Parenthood for her and her intended partner. If your daughter wont' tell you who the partner is, just take her there and tell her you don't approve of her having sex, but if she is going to anyway, you aren't getting grandchildren or a dead child from an STD out of it and so she must use birth control as well as condoms.

I can't stress enough figuring out what your expectations adn limits are so you can pick your battles. Also, if it gets out of control, take both of yourselves to a mediator to work on it. Counseling is something I had to do with Alexis when I became concerned about her using drugs/alcohol. I just couldn't control my responses and needed help. It's OK to get help!

Gosh I hope some of that made sense...I just want to say it is not an easy road to travel but most of them do make it out when they have loving parents who show they care with consistent discipline and acceptance.
:big hug:

It is difficult when the behavior is something you find particularly offensive/inappropriate........and i agree with meg. set your boundaries/limits and make them very clear. while sex/drugs is obviously much more serious then some behaviors you can handle the situation pretty much the same.

set your boundaries/limits and be very clear about what they are

be prepared to follow through with consequences.

still keep it pretty simple. for ex. if you are telling her that you are worried about her getting pregnant or being promiscuous be clear with her and yourself why.
for ex.-- emotional attachment, pregnacy, disease. these are real life consequences of having sex. this is not specific (personal) to her.

Also why would she be carrying condoms? I carried them LONG before I had sex, because my friends did.

Big Hugs mama. You still can only guide her, be there for her, and hope she makes more good decisions then bad.....and be there for her when she needs help.


Luna

i know how your feeling we have a 14year old drama queen as well.. and she does what everyone else has mentioned before... i hope things get better for you sooner then later

I kinda peed myself because I just realized I will have 3 teens in my house in 14 years.
A 16 year old, 15 year old and 13 year old.

mine is an almost 16yo son and this has become my mantra-

"He will find his way. I can't see his way because it is not my way. But I KNOW he will find his way. It will be an amazing path-- something I can not even dream of.....but it is out their for him and I know he will find it"........without me and probably in spite of me. LOL



Right On! That is the sort of thinking that gets me through most days. I have a 14yo and a newly 16yo. We nearly canceled my 16yo's birthday party. She can really pick the worst times to go off on one of her trips. And trust me - this kid goes through some major trips. Messy rooms is the easy stuff (I close the door!, lol) its the other stuff that makes you just hold your breath and wish you could pause time indefinately. I heard recently that there in some Indian traditions that holding your breath can be a form of meditation/prayer because you hold god within. Some days me and god are real close, kwim?

Don't let the stuff you see on the surface freak you out. My dd has 3 body piercings - one done without my knowledge and lied about her age (belly), one with my approval (vertical labret), and the last one she was old enough to not need my permission (tongue). She does things that make me scared for her sometimes. We fight, but we also really talk. I have a no bs (from either of us) rule when it comes to the serious stuff and being able to talk freely whenever needed about anything.

So nice to know I am not the only one struggling. My DD will be 14 this January and some days, I don't know....

DH tells me, "don't fall into the trap that says you have to hate your teen!" Sigh*

I heard recently that there in some Indian traditions that holding your breath can be a form of meditation/prayer because you hold god within. Some days me and god are real close, kwim?



:lol:

Really cool thought, too!

Well, I have a soon to be 16 year old who is certainly driving me and her siblings CRAZY. Unless, she wants something, then she can be sweet as pie.
Something snapped about this time last year and she just morphed into a whole other person that I didn't know. It was so scary because I absolutely thought that I had lost the former person that she was. I was hurt and angry that after all the love and attention I have given her over the years she could turn on me.
It wasn't drugs or sex, just some intense need to do and get whatever she wanted. She also expected everybody just drop what they were doing to do something for her or to buy something for her. She eventually let her anger get the best of her and attacked me one day. I called the police and because she lied to them and said she wanted to hurt herself because had hit me, they took her to a juvenille psychiatric facility where she stayed for a mandatory 72 hours. It was one of the hardest thing I've ever been through. But I couldn't live in fear of her any longer and I couldn't have my little ones live in fear of her either. In the hospital she wasn't allowed makeup, hair products, her hair straightener, phone privledges, internet connection, tv, IPOD or radio. She had to wear horrible looking hospital clothes and slippers, her bed was a cot type thing with rough sheets and blankets and she shared her room with some other looney teenager.
I guess her little three day trip to scared her enough to change her ways. Things have gotten so much better. We went through some family therapy. We still have our rough days but it's NOTHING like before and I can now see the little girl that used be there is still there. Her grades have gone back up to A's and B's, she does what she's told without having to be told TOO many times, and if she does call me names I don't hear her.
I have also learned to tell her something short and sweet and just leave, even if I have to come back and say it 5x's or if she says something smart aleck, I just walk away. I don't say a single thing, but I write it down in a journal. When she asks for a privledge I take out the journal and if there is a negative entry she doesn't get her way.
I never went through any of this with my son, I was so shocked to have to go through this.
:big hug: to those of you who are going through this, I know it hurts deeply.

Lisa

You ladies are scaring me! My oldest is almost 10 and she is such a sweet kid, but some days, like yesterday, I don't know who kidnapped her and replaced her with her evil "clone". I know it gets worse, ugh, I'm scared for sure. I don't really understand, though, because I was Ms. Goody Two Shoes, and although I has a few rough moments, I was rarely disrespectful to my parents, and didn't do anything against their will until I was 18 or so. Your typical really good kid. I guess I need to start reading already to hopefully stay on top of the situation. Yeah Right. LOL

I have two teens (one boy nearly 17 yrs and one girl who will be 14 in a month).

I can tell you if mine were doing what you said, I'd get them into counseling or some other 3rd party help....if you feel like it is just too much for you at this point. For sure, I'd do something for intervention.

I'll keep you in my prayers,

Michelle

mine is an almost 16yo son and this has become my mantra-

"He will find his way. I can't see his way because it is not my way. But I KNOW he will find his way. It will be an amazing path-- something I can not even dream of.....but it is out their for him and I know he will find it"........without me and probably in spite of me. LOL

In the meantime mamas....keep it simple...just like with a toddler...lol....for us that means saying "take out the trash" 20 times...he may piss and moan but as long as we keep it simple and leave out all the yammering (like-- how many times do i have to tell you to take out the trash?!?!? why do you always have to be told?!?!?!? When are you going to yaddda yadda yuckies.) the storm rises and falls very quickly.


Gonna print off that mantra...

And I was gonna make the same point! I took an adolescence class last semester and it was so reassuring to realize this is a developmental STAGE. They truly are supposed to challenge boundaries. However, we also learned in that class that true adolescent delinquents are rare and that teens in general get a bad rap (so do 2 yo's!).

I don't know what else to say, other than commiserate and hope ppl do the same for me in the future. It's hard enough now. But I know it will get harder (for my family I mean).

In my experience, girls who are that precocious could use counseling. (((hugs)))

That really rubbed me the wrong way. I hope you meant anyone and not just girls? Just b/c a girl seeks sex or likes it does not make something wrong w/her. I would worry about promiscuousness from either my ds's or my dd.

Ok, I read the rest of the threads and do have more to say after all LOL! The lying is something that pushes my buttons more than anything. Thankfully, my 14 yo does NOT lie. I have 3 others who do though. I don't know why, b/c I *always* come down on them much harder when they lie and they see that it breaks my trust in them, whereas I trust what my oldest tells me.

And I agree about the condom issue... I had them before I had sex. Granted, at that point it was b/c I was getting close to doing it, but thank god I thought about that kind of stuff and was responsible. My guy friends alllll always had condoms on them. They were virgins. :lol: Can you/will you confront her w/the fact that you found the condoms? My parents thought I was having sex and they confronted me but it was horrible. They punished me, grounded me. Ugh. I hadn't had sex yet. Anyway, it could've been an open dialogue time but our religion just didn't allow for an inch of tolerance in that area so they just couldn't give me that. :( My mom, though still just as religious, regrets that.

Bethany said "in my experience, girls..." so I took it to mean it was her experience.

Hugs to the OP. No advice here, but I didn't want to just read and not reply. :hug:

Big :hug:
Mine aren't quite that old yet but I've had 16-18 yr old brother raising duties. Every other word out of his mouth was a lie, he had condoms, alcohol, cigarettes & drugs in his room (yep I'm a room searcher). He led an amish phoneless, dateless existance for a good long while too after that bull. Lying, bad influence friends=no friends. No unsupervised activities. Driving him to & from school. It sucked for all of us but he got the point. My girls know that's exactly how it'll be for them too, yeah I got criticized here before for being mean and no fun. I'm not their friend, I'm their mother (or guardian in bro's case). I'm a big fan of stripping it down to bare essentials and rebuilding both trust & belongings/privileges as things improve. Not sure if that's helpful, I'm really sorry you're going through this J.

ETA, I was a bad girl teen and my parents didn't have a clue of what I was doing, feeling, etc. Let her know how much you love her and whatever you do is to protect her and help her grow. I know that's what you're trying to do, I just wanted to chime in that I didn't have that when I needed it.