dj is going to be 17yo next mo. he recently told me that he's decided to become sexually active before we had "agreed" he would (jr prom later this yr was our understanding).

so, now that he's come to me with this info, i'm concerned about all that sex entails...emotional instability, unwanted pg, disease, etc.

we've covered the disease aspect. he's armed with condoms at all times, and knows all the nasty std's out there and how easily they're passed back & forth. i offered to take him and his gf to a class on bc/std's, with or without her parents' knowledge, and i was stoked to hear that she is open with her mom, and already on the pill. ~less for me to worry about, but i'm worrying nonetheless!

i always had it in the back of my mind that this would be a part of his life that was *so far* away from happening, and now here it is. he hasn't had intercourse YET, but he's going to very soon, i can feel it, if that makes sense.

anyone out there experience open discussions with their teen through a time like this? how did it play out for you/them?

i was 13yo when i lost my virginity on a DARE-and never dreamt of talking to my mom about sex, no way. this is the way i *wish* she had been with ME when i was a teen, yk? we'll see how it turns out, i suppose...

Well, I don't have a teen, but these are the points I would want to make:

1. Even though she is on the pill, he should wear a condom. He needs to take responsibility for his side of the BC issue instead of relying on her. Tell him about the fail rate of BC pills and the fact that it is possible that she could forget to take one or take them while she is on antibiotics.

2. Explain a woman's cycle, when conception typically occurs, then explain that a teenage girl's body can be unpredictable and ovulation and conception can occur at any time. I'm amazed at how many teens misunderstand the basics.

3. If she says no or has any misgivings, he should not move foreward. This is respectful of her.

4. Sex creates an emotional bond for a woman. If he is not ready for that bond, he should not move foreward. For this reason, sex complicates things. Again, he is respecting her by considering her feelings after sex has occurred.

I have no advice because my kiddos aren't there yet, but I just wanted to say that it is awesome that he comes to you to discuss something so big!

Way to go Mama!!!!! :)

Well, I don't have a teen, but these are the points I would want to make:

1. Even though she is on the pill, he should wear a condom. He needs to take responsibility for his side of the BC issue instead of relying on her. Tell him about the fail rate of BC pills and the fact that it is possible that she could forget to take one or take them while she is on antibiotics.

2. Explain a woman's cycle, when conception typically occurs, then explain that a teenage girl's body can be unpredictable and ovulation and conception can occur at any time. I'm amazed at how many teens misunderstand the basics.

3. If she says no or has any misgivings, he should not move foreward. This is respectful of her.

4. Sex creates an emotional bond for a woman. If he is not ready for that bond, he should not move foreward. For this reason, sex complicates things. Again, he is respecting her by considering her feelings after sex has occurred.


Stacy, you are so smart. I hope you're around when my children become teenagers :)

Tammy

Stacy, you are so smart. I hope you're around when my children become teenagers :)

Tammy

What a nice thing to say. I really hope my teenagers don't have sex. :D I'd love to talk with them about it though.

Tammys words are great - am going to print them out and save them.

Chelsey is 17 but so far has decided to stay celibate. I'm of course hoping that continues but we've had plenty of conversations about pregnancy, disease etc

Just keep talking openly. and good luck

i've told him to use both. i hope that he does. as far as "no" goes, he knows that it's ALWAYS reason enough to stop what's doing-immediately.

Well, I don't have a teen, but these are the points I would want to make:

1. Even though she is on the pill, he should wear a condom. He needs to take responsibility for his side of the BC issue instead of relying on her. Tell him about the fail rate of BC pills and the fact that it is possible that she could forget to take one or take them while she is on antibiotics.

2. Explain a woman's cycle, when conception typically occurs, then explain that a teenage girl's body can be unpredictable and ovulation and conception can occur at any time. I'm amazed at how many teens misunderstand the basics.

3. If she says no or has any misgivings, he should not move foreward. This is respectful of her.

4. Sex creates an emotional bond for a woman. If he is not ready for that bond, he should not move foreward. For this reason, sex complicates things. Again, he is respecting her by considering her feelings after sex has occurred.

wow....very Very good advice there!

What has been said so far has been great.

I would add that this might create a stronger emotional bond for DJ as well, one that he may be unprepared for. That said, there is no preparation to be had...it happens or it doesn't. We often talk about the emotional bond for young women, forgetting that there are many sensitive, caring young men out there who do care about their partners and who are emotionally involved with them. Of course, we talk about it in regards to young women because our society still considers (at some level) a young woman who has had sex to be "damaged goods". That forces some young women to seek a committment from their partner in order to feel emotionally okay with having sex.

We should be teaching both young men and young women that sex feels good and that they are going to want to have it. At this point people can insert their values, but I always think that the desire to have sex should be acknowledged, because a lot of kids get the message that they are "sinful" for having desires, when desire is a natural part of the human experience.

One reason I would stress birth control and STD prevention so much is the fact that it is highly unlikely that this will be DJ's only sexual partner over his lifetime. I know it isn't popular to say it, but many young adults will have multiple partners before choosing co-habitation, marriage, etc. He needs to understand that having sexual intercourse with this young woman doesn't mean that he has to marry her, and even thinking that he wants to marry her doesn't mean that he should

That honesty would serve DJ well. Even if he loves this young woman deeply, it will be fantasic if he can be open and honest with her, and she with him. They should both talk about their expectations before they have sexual intercourse. What does it mean to take this next step? What do they expect from the relationship. How will either of them feel if/when the relationships ends? How will they handle it if one of them decides to take a step back after they have intercourse, and the other still desires it? What will they do if an unintended pregnancy occurs? What about practicalities...where will they consumate this relationship? At one of their homes? Will she start or continue having regular pap smears?

You are an amazing mom! I want such an open relationship with my boys when the time comes (cultivating it now, of course).

I think it important to remember and remind DJ that condoms provide less protection against STDs than they do against pregnancy...and that failure rate is unacceptable to most couples who are actually trying to preven a pregnancy. He knows that a women can get pregnant only when ovulating but have you told him that STDs can pass from partner to partner at any time in the women's cycle? Even if the STD isn't passed through tears or holes in the condom itself (which is entirely possible), he can still get STDs because condoms don't cover or protect all areas of the genital region. Condoms don't always prevent many of the STD infections that take place during sexual contact.

I know we have differnt views on sexuality and teens...that's OK with me. I am glad to see you have a relationship where your son can come to you with such openess. I hope to have the same one day with my son. But please be honest with him about failure rates and condoms....bcp wont protect him from herpes or AIDS. He's taking a risk (with his health and maybe his life) even with a condom and he needs to be armed with that information (not just condoms) before he makes choices about his sexual partners.

My boys aren't this age just yet, but they will be, and I have already begun laying the groundwork for these conversations. I hope that they are as open with me as your son is. Here's my story:

My mother was always open with me and told me she would get me on bc if/when it ever became necessary. I dated the same boy for a year, and I knew that we would be having sex soon, but I wasn't really sure when. Even though she had been so open with me I was still scared to bring it up, so I talked to a family friend. He was about 25 at the time, and I was 15. He offered to bring up the subject with my mom for me, and he did.....then he left us standing there looking at each other, LOL
My mom took it well, and asked if we were having sex. I said no, but, we've been together for almost a year now, so I know it's going to happen within a few months. (He was 17 and a virgin also) She took me to get on bc, and it's a good thing too. Things progressed very quickly between he and I, and when his parents went camping with his younger siblings w/out him, he asked me to spend the night. My mom drove me there and picked me up the next morning, and I have no regrets. By a weird cooincidence this guy is now my cousin by marriage, (loooong story) and we still speak a few times a year. He now has a family and two little girls, and we are both very content with the way that we went about things. We were always careful, and I attribute that to my mom and her willingness to be open with me. I went on to date him for almost 4 years, and my first husband was my second sexual relationship ever. Anyway, just wanted to give another perspective that this is a good way to go about things. I never had a baby out of wed-lock and I beleive that is directly related to the knowledge my mom gave me a long long time ago!:)

Well, I don't have a teen, but these are the points I would want to make:

1. Even though she is on the pill, he should wear a condom. He needs to take responsibility for his side of the BC issue instead of relying on her. Tell him about the fail rate of BC pills and the fact that it is possible that she could forget to take one or take them while she is on antibiotics.

2. Explain a woman's cycle, when conception typically occurs, then explain that a teenage girl's body can be unpredictable and ovulation and conception can occur at any time. I'm amazed at how many teens misunderstand the basics.

3. If she says no or has any misgivings, he should not move foreward. This is respectful of her.

4. Sex creates an emotional bond for a woman. If he is not ready for that bond, he should not move foreward. For this reason, sex complicates things. Again, he is respecting her by considering her feelings after sex has occurred.

I agree with all of this.

I'd add, however, that there is no form of birth control that's foolproof. How many Mamas do we have here who have dual-method failure babies? Many, many, many. If DJ is not prepared to father a child and be bound to his girlfriend for a long time, I'd encourage him to wait.

Big topic here!

First of all - as many have said - kudos for being so open and available to your kids. My mother was the same way (though with a different take on the morality angle) and it really helped me in that stage of my life.

I agree with the message that the first purpose of sex is to create babies. (Feeling good is just part of that plan and draw.) Even with all the backup protection, they need to discuss what they'd do if she ended up pregnant. Would they have an abortion? Give the baby up for adoption? Raise the baby? Get married? Have you raise the baby? It's a very real possibility, even if they do everything right. I'm not saying you need to discourage or scare him. But things are much better for everyone if you know in advance what everyone is thinking on the subject.

Now, a silly question:
(My oldest is 5, so we haven't addressed this yet!)
What are the logistics of this? I mean, when and how will they have sex? Will they ask you to take the rest of the family out for the night? Or use the backseat of a car? Or have you rent them a hotel room? Or what? How does that work? With all of the preparation you've done, I don't imagine you want them getting it on in some dark alley!

Ok..

I have nothing really do add here, y'all are doing fine. With Alexis, not only did we insist she get on bc when she and her boyfriend wanted to have sex, we insisted the boy go with her to planned parenthood and that they get all the information available. They did so, and her boyfriend paid for her bc out of his pocket and they both felt like they got good information and felt better prepared.

That said, I've always had a very open relationship with my children about sex and birth control. Just be open. don't be judgemental in any way or they will shut you out. Sometimes for them it's just a feeling. They both feel like they can't talk to their father, though he isn't a monster and would be as honest as I am..it's a feeling they get from him that they can't even describe.
Jake was afraid to ask me for condoms until his sister said, Jake, it's mom, she will be cool about it and happy you want them. (Which was true..i'd rather they ask me and talk to me than hide it from me any day of the week).

Jake hasn't got a g/f and hasn't had opportunity for sex yet. We talk about it..he really wants a girlfriend pretty badly but he's shy. Jake is a very sensitive young man and he'd probably be the guy to get emotionally involved when sex happened. He still carries condoms and we've talked about sex often. Hopefully when the time comes, I can convince him to go with his girlfriend to planned parenthood to get birth control, too. Honestly, it does a boy (and a girl) a world of good to have someone confront them with what can happen that isn't a parent. We can talk ourselves a blue streak but there's an inner teenage thing with them that says, mom/dad tell me that, but it can't be right. They need to hear it from outside sources that are well versed in things that happen.

Alexis had a scare with HPV about 2 years ago now...it has led her down a path she didn't expect. She didn't have it, but she decided to go to the local high schools and talk to kids about it and other std's and the importance of protecting yourself. Other teens are a great influence!! Alexis decided thanks to her very kind midwife and doing this work that she wanted to be a nurse/midwife and that is why she is studying that now.

Ok..babbled enough..just be available, Kas..he has all the information you can give him, but you need to be there for what happens after now.

Kas you rock and to all the other moms who are available to their children to talk about sex and provide bc is awesome. Thank you.

Stacy, wise words Mama.

i am a mama of an almost 16yo ds. we are open and i am thankful that there is still not sex for him....yet. i wanted to add something we have talked about.....

mama's of boys, our sons most likely won't get to decide how to proceed if they unintentially get a girl pregnant. realistically the girl (and hopefully her family's support) will make that decision. untimately it is the woman's chocie. as the mother of a young man who is very anti-choice and believes abortion is wrong i have spoken to him about this at length.......how would he feel if he got someone pregnant? what would he like the outcome to be? how would he speak to this lady about this? and what would he do/ feel/ say if she wanted an abortion?......or wanted to break up with him and have the kid? ...or? or? or?..........he ended up saying that he wasn't ready to deal with that and therefore not ready for sex.

my brother and his girlfriend conceived when they were 19/20 and very not ready for kids. they had discussed what they would do if she were to get pregnant. but when it happened she didn't want to have an abortion--so she hid the pregnancy from everyone until she was almost 6 months along......when that would no longer be offered as an option....he was furious!! they tried to stay together for the first few years but they didn't. he was very resentful that she had 'forced him' to be a father.....and he never really was a father to be honest......

my point i guess is that as women we may feel different about ourselves and our bodies and futures once we conceive and we need to help our sons understand this is a very important piece to becoming sexually active.

Luna

All great points and advice.

I'm hopping into the thread so I can find it again if need be.

My 16 year old ds is in his first romantic relationship and so far keeping it unconsumated (may it stay so!).

I often mention to him that sex complicates life especially for a teen and he seems to understand that.

Open communication between parents and their kids is so important at this juncture!

No teens in my house - but I am very close with my 'little sister' in the big brothers big sisters program. We've been matched 7 yrs now and she's a part of our family in so many ways.

She became intimate with her boyfriend of 18m last spring, both were 16, both were/are each other's firsts in every way. They both took a pledge to wait till they got out of high school but then decided they couldn't wait anymore - went to planned parenthood together and got bc pills and condoms - and proceeded forward.

I almost fell out of my chair when she casually started discussing sex at dinner with our family one night! Ack! But I am glad. Glad that she feels we have an open relationship that can bear that kind of conversation.

We later talked more about how ovulation happens and when and how to prevent pregnancy. While she looked well prepared from the outside there were gapping holes in both of their knowledge.

Her mother is almost encouraging of them becoming pregnant - which I read as 'I got pregnant as a teen and survived and will help you survive it, too'. Not what I want! So I've asked a couple of young women who did get pregnant while using bc to talk with her about accidents and pregnancy and how bc does not prevent pregnancy but rather reduce the odds of pregnancy.

So - good for you for having that kind of open relationship with your kids, good for your ds for being honest. Get them resources - books, classes, friends who've had contraceptive failures or stds. Recognize the power of sexuality and paint an whole, well rounded picture.

Cathy

I don't have teens but remember my teenage years too well.

I'd ask them to discuss how having sex will change their relationship esp. how it can develop into the 1 and only thing they do together. Often the social aspect of dating goes by the wayside of just finding a place to have sex. Which in turn cuts out double dating/hanging out and can lead to resentment of friends that aren't in a relationship.

I would add... *he* can back out at any time too. There are lots of wonderfully creative ways to get off and get your partner off, that don't involve intercourse.

Also, I hope he hasn't shared his plans w/friends. I think that would be a lot of pressure on everyone, kwim? I dunno.. it's hard to give advice that isn't completely colored by my own situation when I was 16 (which was wonderful, BTW). We also have a nice little thread going in the personal forum of losing virginity stories.

Does he know often sex is "okay" at best the first time and just gets better w/time as you get to know each others needs etc? I dunno... are guys ever disappointed the 1st time? :lol:

dj is going to be 17yo next mo. he recently told me that he's decided to become sexually active before we had "agreed" he would (jr prom later this yr was our understanding).

Kas - I meant to ask this earlier. How did you and DJ come to that agreement about junior prom? I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I don't know that I've heard of anyone making an agreement with someone other than their partner about when they'd have sex. How did you you guys come to the decision that junior prom would be it? And are there "consequences" for him not keeping that agreement?

Kas I know where you are at with this. I had to put dd on bc a couple months ago and with her bf military I chose to do hep b. ( I know controversial but I have to think of her in case soemthing with them goes awry)

We are fairly open without disclosing privacy. She and bf are well aware that I do not approve adn it is not acceptable in my home. However they know that I am concerned about dd, her future and that I try to support them as a couple becuase dd loves him (or thinks she does-you know)

As far as my son, we talk...he finally has opened up alot about sex with me and does nto feel it is so foreign to discuss with his mother.

My family does have moral issues with sex since we are Christian more or less, but I touch on that topic lightly.
I focus with my son on respect for women and that they are not the girls they see in the magazines that turn you on so you can have a good physical sensation and its over.
Women are to be honored adn respected and sex is a way to do that but not the only way of course.
And we talk STD and cancer and pregnancy and child support and all of the realities of their actions.

Then I remain open door about any of his concerns or wanting to come clean or ask questions. That is all I can do.

Kas - I meant to ask this earlier. How did you and DJ come to that agreement about junior prom? I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I don't know that I've heard of anyone making an agreement with someone other than their partner about when they'd have sex. How did you you guys come to the decision that junior prom would be it? And are there "consequences" for him not keeping that agreement?

it came about back when he had his "first love" at the age of 13...his gf was putting pressure on him to have sex and i practically begged him to wait until his senior yr of hs...particularly prom. he negotiated (like mother like son), and we compromised and came up with jr prom.

we're 6mo away from jr prom. the gf he has now is not a virgin, and is on the pill. her mom wants to have "time with me to talk about things"-and i know EXACTLY what the talk is going to be about ;)

i didn't realize there were other mamas out there with the same kind of open relationsip with their kids, since all of my friends are pretty hush hush about sex with theirs. i'm relieved, scared, nervous, and thrilled all at the same time :)

heh..I think if more moms were open about it, we'd have a lot better decisions from our kids. JMO, however. I'm a big one for keepign communication open with our children, no matter what.

Well, I am probably on the opposite end of the spectrum from you as far as premarital sex goes, but I am still a huge proponent of keeping the lines open, and not keeping it all in the dark, and also of not trying to pretend it's something it's not, as a means of scaring them away. Sex is enjoyable, the feelings a member of the opposite sex can stir in you are natural, not something to be hidden and made dirty, but you DO need the tools taught to you to be able to handle it all in a mature, responsible manner. Hiding it and pretending it doesn't exist just makes for shame, pregnancy and std's.

My mom was completely open with me, and I am trying to be completely open with my kids (well, as much as you would be with an immature 12 yo and a 9 yo :p)...I think I am succeeding, despite being a natural complete prude, lol!

I think being open about sex with your kids is awesome. My daughter is only 9, but I'd like to think I'm laying the foundation for her teen years now. I hope we have the kind of relationship you all do, where she can talk to me about these things. We've already talked a little bit about sex, but not in-depth (she's not ready).

Well, I am probably on the opposite end of the spectrum from you as far as premarital sex goes, but I am still a huge proponent of keeping the lines open, and not keeping it all in the dark, and also of not trying to pretend it's something it's not, as a means of scaring them away. Sex is enjoyable, the feelings a member of the opposite sex can stir in you are natural, not something to be hidden and made dirty, but you DO need the tools taught to you to be able to handle it all in a mature, responsible manner. Hiding it and pretending it doesn't exist just makes for shame, pregnancy and std's.

My mom was completely open with me, and I am trying to be completely open with my kids (well, as much as you would be with an immature 12 yo and a 9 yo :p)...I think I am succeeding, despite being a natural complete prude, lol!


I agree with you here. I don't think you are a prude! I also do not think premarital sex is OK and certainly not for children. I think we can be open and honest about sex and not "rent the room" so to speak as soon as your child expresses an interest in exploring his/her sexuality with another person. It's not an either/or kind of situation, imo. I expect that my kids will be safe drivers, not use illegal drugs, not cheat in sports or academics, but if they choose to do those things, does that mean I will roll over and say "Well, lets see if we can help you out by providing a car with more airbags for your 90 m/hr trips down the road." OR "OK, so you're using drugs, I'll find you a place to shoot your heroin where you won't get raped or shot afterward." That's crazy. We won't lower the standards in those areas. We provide education and lectures and more supervision or whatever it takes to keep them safe. STD are everywhere. Some are deadly and almost all will affect their futures in a negative way. My husband teaches high school and I used to. I had LOTS of conversations about "safer sex" (safe sex is a lie) with two girls who said they had all the information and protection they needed and they both ended up pregnant and not finishing high school. DH has plenty of studends that bring their babies to school events. Think no one gave them bc? Of course, they had it available! They chose not to use it or it failed. Birth Control may reduce the chances of pregnancy and stds but it doesn't eliminate them. Teens can be really stupid sometimes. If I say "go for it" when they come to me wanting birth control, I would have to be ready to deal with the consequences if nature comes through and bc/std prevention fails...because it does. I am NOT ready for that. Not now and not anytime in the future, so I while be open and honest with them, I will not be encouraging sex in high school.

we're 6mo away from jr prom. the gf he has now is not a virgin, and is on the pill. her mom wants to have "time with me to talk about things"-and i know EXACTLY what the talk is going to be about ;)

OK - color me stupid - but what is the talk going to be about???

I agree with you here. I don't think you are a prude! I also do not think premarital sex is OK and certainly not for children. I think we can be open and honest about sex and not "rent the room" so to speak as soon as your child expresses an interest in exploring his/her sexuality with another person. It's not an either/or kind of situation, imo. I expect that my kids will be safe drivers, not use illegal drugs, not cheat in sports or academics, but if they choose to do those things, does that mean I will roll over and say "Well, lets see if we can help you out by providing a car with more airbags for your 90 m/hr trips down the road." OR "OK, so you're using drugs, I'll find you a place to shoot your heroin where you won't get raped or shot afterward." That's crazy. We won't lower the standards in those areas. We provide education and lectures and more supervision or whatever it takes to keep them safe. STD are everywhere. Some are deadly and almost all will affect their futures in a negative way. My husband teaches high school and I used to. I had LOTS of conversations about "safer sex" (safe sex is a lie) with two girls who said they had all the information and protection they needed and they both ended up pregnant and not finishing high school. DH has plenty of studends that bring their babies to school events. Think no one gave them bc? Of course, they had it available! They chose not to use it or it failed. Birth Control may reduce the chances of pregnancy and stds but it doesn't eliminate them. Teens can be really stupid sometimes. If I say "go for it" when they come to me wanting birth control, I would have to be ready to deal with the consequences if nature comes through and bc/std prevention fails...because it does. I am NOT ready for that. Not now and not anytime in the future, so I while be open and honest with them, I will not be encouraging sex in high school.


i'm sorry, but it rubs me the wrong way by your implying i have lowered the standards for my son.

i have very high expectations for him. this "child" is going to be fighting for your freedom in a little over a year.

if the kid says he wants to have sex, gawds bless him for giving me a head's up and preparing me for the next step he's taking for himself.

this, believe it or not, does not define who he is-nor did it define us when we were having sex at 13, 14, or whatever age we were (i was 13).

i know my son well enough to know that if i showed *any* inkling of disapproval, he'd hide it all from me and i would be left in the dark.

I expect that my kids will be safe drivers, not use illegal drugs, not cheat in sports or academics, but if they choose to do those things, does that mean I will roll over and say "Well, lets see if we can help you out by providing a car with more airbags for your 90 m/hr trips down the road." OR "OK, so you're using drugs, I'll find you a place to shoot your heroin where you won't get raped or shot afterward." That's crazy. We won't lower the standards in those areas. We provide education and lectures and more supervision or whatever it takes to keep them safe.

That is so well put! I totally agree! Supervision is key--they need our help to wait. I want to be so open and honest with my children about sex, that they will be so excited about how special it is, and that they will want to save it for marriage. They still need to know what to do with those tricky feelings when you really *want* to do it, and when it seems like all your friends are doing it, and those times when you doubt yourself for waiting at all, and they need our supervision to help them keep their eyes on the goal--the goal of giving their spouse a priceless gift on their wedding night. Think of it--no worries of teenage pregnancy, hurt feelings, diseases, rumors, embarrassment, worries about performance......That beats a smoky motel room with another highschooler any day.

i'm sorry, but it rubs me the wrong way by your implying i have lowered the standards for my son.

i have very high expectations for him. this "child" is going to be fighting for your freedom in a little over a year.

if the kid says he wants to have sex, gawds bless him for giving me a head's up and preparing me for the next step he's taking for himself.

this, believe it or not, does not define who he is-nor did it define us when we were having sex at 13, 14, or whatever age we were (i was 13).

i know my son well enough to know that if i showed *any* inkling of disapproval, he'd hide it all from me and i would be left in the dark.



Kas, I don't think this defines who he is....unless it defines him as a normal tennage boy who has strong feelings for his girlfriend. I am sure he is a wonderful kid. I think he's a great kid for coming to his mom first. And I think (although I disagree with your reasoning) that you are doing what you feel is best for him, so don't take it personally. Take it as a difference in opinion.

That is so well put! I totally agree! Supervision is key.

do i understand you're reasoning is to prevent teen sex by having the parent present at all times?

let's see, my son has been to more places in one wkend than i go in one week...he went to a game on thurs, movies on fri, mall on sat, and bowling on sun...was i supposed to be there watching him to make sure he wasn't having sexual relations?

do i understand you're reasoning is to prevent teen sex by having the parent present at all times?

let's see, my son has been to more places in one wkend than i go in one week...he went to a game on thurs, movies on fri, mall on sat, and bowling on sun...was i supposed to be there watching him to make sure he wasn't having sexual relations?


Oh, no, absolutely not! They need freedom and opportunities to test their freedoms. What I'm talking about is providing a safeguard when their willpower is especially low in some area they're being tempted with. For instance, if your teen struggles with wanting to try alcohol, then letting them go to a party, unsupervised, where it's known that there will be alcohol, might not be such a good idea. That's just a starting point, but you get the general idea. Teens are so impulsive from all their bodily changes--I'm talking about setting them up for success when they're "up", so that it's easier for them to make good choices when they're defenses are "down". Does that make sense?

Please don't be offended, Kas--every family's different, and I totally respect that. We're just conservative and I got excited when I saw another conservative Mama's comment!:p

do i understand you're reasoning is to prevent teen sex by having the parent present at all times?

let's see, my son has been to more places in one wkend than i go in one week...he went to a game on thurs, movies on fri, mall on sat, and bowling on sun...was i supposed to be there watching him to make sure he wasn't having sexual relations?

Well since I made the statement about supervision, I will answer. No, it's unreasonable to keep your son from every event that you can't chaperone if you believe he is making good choices in life is honest and trustworthy....you have to give them freedom as they earn it. DJ has probably earned his freedom, I would say. He sounds like a good kid. But, I think you said on another thread about teens that you had ways of making sure they made correct choices about schoolwork...don't remember the exact words, but it was on barb's thread about her dd and school. Game, mall, and bowling aren't rights as a teen they are privileges. If my teen were doing things that I disapproved of, I would remove some of those freedoms if for no other reason than to keep them safe. It all depends on what your family's expectations are.

I'm not saying it's easy, Kas. I know it can't be, especially when your Dh is gone most of the time....and I don't have a 16 yo yet, either. I truly wish the best for you and for your son especially as he goes "to fight for my freedom" soon. :usa:

Oh, no, absolutely not! They need freedom and opportunities to test their freedoms. What I'm talking about is providing a safeguard when their willpower is especially low in some area they're being tempted with. For instance, if your teen struggles with wanting to try alcohol, then letting them go to a party, unsupervised, where it's known that there will be alcohol, might not be such a good idea. That's just a starting point, but you get the general idea. Teens are so impulsive from all their bodily changes--I'm talking about setting them up for success when they're "up", so that it's easier for them to make good choices when they're defenses are "down". Does that make sense?

Please don't be offended, Kas--every family's different, and I totally respect that. We're just conservative and I got excited when I saw another conservative Mama's comment!:p

not offended one bit-just wanted to understand where you were coming from :)

believe me, i get grilled by irl friends all the time~but my kid is one of the few virgins walking around his high school, so i have that to fall back on...but not for long.

i just talked to his gf's mom and we're going to hang out together on weds night. i'm going to be very blunt with her and ask her to make sure her dd takes her pill daily, and make sure she knows about abx cancelling the potency, etc etc. i'll also assure her that dj will always have condoms handy, and has been taught to adhere to the word "no" in all circumstances.

i'm going to suggest we both encourage them to go to pp together and go through their teen classes about bc, std's, etc.

i admire your openness with your children, kas. i think we have similar feelings with regards to our children's sexuality (although i'm not looking forward to it...i know how i will handle it.)

i wish my mom had been more open with me. i have lived and learned as a result...handing me a book at 9 and telling me she's "there for me" didn't cut it and i made sure to hide it bc i knew how she really felt.

good luck.

Well since I made the statement about supervision, I will answer. No, it's unreasonable to keep your son from every event that you can't chaperone if you believe he is making good choices in life is honest and trustworthy....you have to give them freedom as they earn it. DJ has probably earned his freedom, I would say. He sounds like a good kid. But, I think you said on another thread about teens that you had ways of making sure they made correct choices about schoolwork...don't remember the exact words, but it was on barb's thread about her dd and school. Game, mall, and bowling aren't rights as a teen they are privileges. If my teen were doing things that I disapproved of, I would remove some of those freedoms if for no other reason than to keep them safe. It all depends on what your family's expectations are.

I'm not saying it's easy, Kas. I know it can't be, especially when your Dh is gone most of the time....and I don't have a 16 yo yet, either. I truly wish the best for you and for your son especially as he goes "to fight for my freedom" soon. :usa:


ya see, that's exactly what my mom would have done if i had told her i was having sex (or even wanted to)...ground me from life.

i'll ground my kids for less than sufficient grades, talking to me disrespectfully, etc-but not for being human and being driven to have sex.