This guy needs a serious head check. Don't forget to vote on their BF poll too.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/194/story_19451_1.html

Moms, Don't Forget to Feed Your Marriages
Why nurturing a passionate marriage is more important than breast-feeding.


The science section of The New York Times recently featured a lengthy study on breast-feeding and its benefits. Breast-feeding, the study found, helps reduce the chances of infection, cold, diarrhea, illness, and even later childhood obesity. No one argues with any of these benefits, but what the report neglects to mention, and what I have personally witnessed when counseling couples, is how breast-feeding can come between a husband and wife.

One of the episodes of "Shalom in the Home" this season featured a young couple in Pennsylvania who were madly in love when they married, but had slowly drifted apart after the birth of two children. Indeed, a Harvard University study maintains that a couples' love life decreases by 74 percent in the first year after the birth of a child. Now, given that sex is nearly dead in the American bedroom anyway, with national sex rates in marriage figuring at about once a week, a three-quarters decrease means that sex takes place once every few months—sparse pickings indeed.

With this particular couple, the situation was even worse. Their sex life had died completely, and one of the main causes was the mother's obsession with breast-feeding well into the child's eleventh month. The baby was attached to his mother like a limb, and he even slept with her every night, consigning her husband to a different bedroom.

I told the mother that in being so devoted to her son, she had committed the cardinal sin of marriage, which is to put someone else before her spouse, even if that someone is your child. Furthermore, I said, her obsession had turned one of her most attractive body parts into a feeding station, an attractive cafeteria rather than a scintillating piece of flesh.

In my book "Kosher Adultery," I make the point that infidelity is primarily a sin of omission rather than commission. It is not the bad thing you do that destroys a marriage, but all the good that you fail to do, preoccupied as you are with a sinful relationship that diverts your attention away from your spouse. Similarly, with the example of breast-feeding, a wife who spends a year giving all her emotional and physical affection to the baby has left her marriage a barren wasteland, bereft of romance and affection.

Obviously, breast-feeding is not the same as carrying on an extramarital affair. But when a mother gives her breasts to her son and takes them away from her husband, the effect on the marriage can feel the same.

I am surprised that when scientists discuss all the benefits of breast-feeding, they neglect its most negative consequence. If breast-feeding gets in the way of the marriage—if it means that a husband and wife never go out on dates, or that the mother is so tired from always waking up with the baby that she has no energy to ever be intimate with her husband—the child will probably end up worse off, however many colds or bouts with diarrhea he now avoids.



Dads--be there, but don't watch the birth.
Read more on page 2 »

The crisis we have in America is not undernourished children, it is undernourished marriages. And our kids are getting screwed up, not because of their infant nutrition, but because in most households, children rarely witness a father and mother who are still passionately in love with each other.

When I was a young boy, all I wanted to see was two parents who loved each other. A daily vitamin also would certainly have done me a world of good. But only my parents' happy marriage could have provided me with peace at my center and the more secure personality I sorely lack. I would take the diarrhea and cough any day over the permanent sense of brokenness that affects children of divorce.

In the end, there are two effects of breast-feeding that we often refuse to acknowledge. One is the de-eroticization of a woman's body, as her husband witnesses one of the most attractive parts of her body serving a utilitarian rather than romantic purpose. This is not to say that breast-feeding isn't sexy. Indeed, the maternal dimension is a central part of womanliness. But public breast-feeding is profoundly de-eroticizing, and I believe that wives should cover up, even when they nurse their babies in their husband's presence.

I believe this same problem comes up when men witness childbirth up close. There are certain poses in which a husband should not see his wife. By all means, be there for the entire labor, as I have been for the births of each of my eight children. But I strongly agree with the advice of the ancient rabbis that husbands should not be staring at the actual delivery. That is just too erotic a part of a wife's anatomy for it to become a mere birth canal.

The erotic nature of a wife's body is one of the principal elements of attraction in marriage. When a husband ceases to see his wife as a woman, and begins to see her as "the mother of his children," a negative trend has begun in his mind that can only subvert his erotic interest.

This is not to say that breast-feeding should not be practiced. It is instead to say that it should always remain subordinate to the romantic and passionate needs of a marriage.

Let me be clear. I agree that breast-feeding is usually the best thing for a baby. But the principal form of marital breakdown in our time is a loss of erotic desire between husband and wife, and if couples find that breast-feeding is adding to a sense of alienation, there is always the bottle.

I think Schmuley is brilliant in many ways, but this is one area where I totally and completely disagree with him (well, everything related to childbirth, breastfeeding and let's add co-sleeping whil we're at it). My husband believes that I honor him by taking good care of his children and by putting them first (for now). I think a mature, secure man understands that children are only children for such a short period of time... And breasts were designed to be utilitarian, weren't they? Sheesh!

My favorite quote so far on thei comments page
A woman's breasts serve 2 purposes - they are for feeding your baby and for sexual pleasure. There is no reason that they can't be used for both.

Just as a man's penis serves 2 purposes - for sexual pleasure/reproduction and for urinating.

Should a man stop urinating, and, say, install a colestomy (sorry bout the spelling there) bag, so as to not "desexualize" his penis in the eyes of his wife?

Of course not - that would be stupid, it would show the shallow insecurity of his wife for wanting it, and it goes against nature's (not to mention G-d's) intent when He designed the way a man's penis functions.

Ditto for a woman's breasts!

Ummmm yeah. My dh watches me bf our 18 month old and it's no problem. He also saw our kids (well mainly ds 1) born and it didn't seem to put a damper on his sex drive. :rolleyes:
We even co-sleep. Yet SOMEHOW we manage to have sex occasionally. And no one barfs, even.:rolleyes:

I don't mean to be freudian but it sounds like that guy has some issues with his mother. Wonder if he was breastfed? wonder if he was forceable weaned?

That last little bit though about breastfeeding comming 2nd to the "passionate needs" of a marriage. If the entire relationship is basied on the ability to have SEX then that is no relationship. It's lust not love. True love can be practiced from thousands of miles away, true love can even go beyond death. I look at my 102 yr old great grandmother & she still loves her husband with all her heart. He's been dead for 60 years. Sure as **** *they* haven't had sex in that long yet she is still in love. what's a year or 2 of breastfeeding compaired to that.

Chole

Just what I need, another MAN telling me what to do with my body! :nono:

I am surprised that when scientists discuss all the benefits of breast-feeding, they neglect its most negative consequence

ummm. . . maybe they didn't mention it being a consequence because research has not found it to be so.

"....and I believe that wives should cover up, even when they nurse their babies in their husband's presence. "
Why don't I just go sit in the closet?:vent: Or, better yet, my bathroom?!

I am ready to be flamed:rainbow:

I agree with him. DH and I practice a lot of his advice since it is based on Judaism. I have been either nursing or preggo the last 5 years. By preserving the feminine mystique, our relationship can still thrive. I don't banish DH to the extra bedroom either just because I am not in the mood. Breastfeeding is so important but it shouldn't hamper our relationship with our husband. Isn't marriage about helping one another be the best they can be, uniting with our soulmate to reach perfection? Nursing shouldn't be used as a way to push our husband's away.

my two cents, I am wearing my fire-proof vest now

I am ready to be flamed:rainbow:

I agree with him. DH and I practice a lot of his advice since it is based on Judaism. I have been either nursing or preggo the last 5 years. By preserving the feminine mystique, our relationship can still thrive. I don't banish DH to the extra bedroom either just because I am not in the mood. Breastfeeding is so important but it shouldn't hamper our relationship with our husband. Isn't marriage about helping one another be the best they can be, uniting with our soulmate to reach perfection? Nursing shouldn't be used as a way to push our husband's away.

my two cents, I am wearing my fire-proof vest now

No flames, I think it is WONDERFUL that you put your husband and your relationship at such a high level in your life... we are very similar, but at the same time, I don't necessarly agree with this illinformed bigoted masoginistic view on breastfeeding.

My husband is a "breast man". To the point that he would even say that he wouldn't marry a woman with small breast that wasn't going to get them done. Call him shallow, but that is what he is into, and good thing he married me, I have 34D's when NOT pregnant or nursing. :lol: So this is a conversation that comes about a LOT when we are pregnant or nursing. Don and I have been together for 8 years now. Just over 3 of those I was nursing our daughter (not to mention the 6 out of 9 months before that where my breasts were sore from being pg). So how in gods name did we keep it together? Well, we had a lot of conversations about "down shifting" and how I can't nurse and then have him instantly use my breasts as sexual objects right after Cyan was back in her cradle. lol... we had LOTS of talks about how long it will take for me to get back into it after she is done nursing, and sometimes how they just wern't "his breasts" that night. He had loaned them out for a while when our dd was young and he was willing to do that for all of the health benifits it was so obviously giving our growing child.

It is NOT an either/or equation. If you communicate well, you will know that just like when the sex drive dips at the end of a pregnancy, breastfeeding is a phase, and an IMPORTANT one. To be perfectly honest, if my boob loving man can deal with it (and be willing to do it again even!) then any man can. All they need is loving support, enough give in the relationship to be able to get the stimulation they need elsewhere (yes I am talking about PORN ladies!! lol!) then there is enough room for not only both to be accepted, but for both to be honored and cherished. It isn't about sex. It is about intamacy... and there is nothing more intiamte than understanding what your husband and wife needs out of a sexual relationship even during a time where these things may be more challanging... and then find that together.

What I hate the most about this article is that he puts it all on the woman... as if the man has no respocibility for his own sexual life. Grow some balls and talk to your wife, gentlemen. YK?

Val

PS I actaully asked him the other day during forplay how he was going to live over the next few years becuase he had decided to give up my breasts once again. He said and I quote "Give up? I give up NOTHING. I just loan them out for a while. Trust me, they are still mine."

that is so freakin funny I could hardly keep a straight face while reading it to my dh. I have been pregnant and/or nursing during all but 3 months of my nearly 13 year marriage. Since we UC, my dh has helped me deliver all of the 4 children we have had during our marriage(I already had one when we got together, who also co-slept with me). Somebody needs to tell dh how de-eroticizing it all is - he seems to not have gotten the memo.... maybe he's just a slow learner? puhleeze......

I was thinking about this last night. My paternal grandparents were Jewish and my grandmother used to give my mom all sorts of similar advice like this. In fact, she convinced my mom to have a tubal in the interest of putting the marriage and its passion first. I realize that Rabbi Schmuley's teachings are completely based on Judaism and I guess it's a Jewish thing that the wife should always be the one to sacrifice to keep the husband happy? What bothers me is the assumption that breastfeeding is commonly used to push the husband away...if the husband feels pushed away, then shouldn't we examine that it may entirely be *his* issue?

I am ready to be flamed:rainbow:

I agree with him. DH and I practice a lot of his advice since it is based on Judaism. I have been either nursing or preggo the last 5 years. By preserving the feminine mystique, our relationship can still thrive. I don't banish DH to the extra bedroom either just because I am not in the mood. Breastfeeding is so important but it shouldn't hamper our relationship with our husband. Isn't marriage about helping one another be the best they can be, uniting with our soulmate to reach perfection? Nursing shouldn't be used as a way to push our husband's away.

my two cents, I am wearing my fire-proof vest now

I admire that you put that out there and have something that works for you and your marriage.

not how we do ours because seeing me birth or breastfeed hasn't diminished my dh's sexual interest in me, but isn't it the honest differences that make life so interesting?

I don't understand what this viewpoint has to do with Judaism *at all*. Isn't it a Jewish law that mothers breastfeed for at least 2 years?

He's just a misogynist. Plain and simple. If all it takes for a marriage to fall apart is breastfeeding, it wasn't a good marriage to begin with.

No flames Flamboozle.
I feel that women need to be as considerate that our men have not changed and still need sex after our babes are born, then they did before our babes were born.

I think the guy is incorrect in some of his ideas, but he was right on in soem ways.

Men and Women need to repect and consider each others bodies and needs.
Never withhold what we need from each other.

For women it may be soem sleep or no touchy booby for the day. Men may need that so we can't expect them to not have anything.

Listen, I am breastfeeding a babe, have had radioactve tampons in my yoni, my entire pelvic region turned black and blue, but I still went ahead when i began to hurt less and have sex with my husband.
I have to meet his needs as well as my own. I gave him pleasure other ways twice a week while healing.

It was not his fault I got cancer, am breastfeeding still, etc... therefore I wont punish him for it! However on days I am really out of it, he lvoes me enough to not ask, tease or expect it.

Well, duh. You can't have a child and then ignore your spouse and expect your marriage to be strong. I just have no idea what breastfeeding has to with it? Or cosleeping. I cosleep with my children AND my husband. My dh loves it when I nurse, he gets to see my breasts all the time. I just think this is such a narrow and uninformed viewpoint. It really doesn't even make sense. This man needs to take a logic course.

"No touchy booby", LOL. I'm adding that to my vocab right now!

Chole

Chole :hahaha:
You are tempting me to change my siggy

I don't understand what this viewpoint has to do with Judaism *at all*. Isn't it a Jewish law that mothers breastfeed for at least 2 years?
I don't know about Jewish law, but in Islam you get "good deeds" (points with god) for nursing at least two years.

A friend of mine sent this to me today too. Yikes, why does someone think they're an expert in EVERYTHING just because they're an expert in SOME things? What a joke. As if being married and parenting can't go together? I've never read such rubbish in my life.

Kerri

I don't understand what this viewpoint has to do with Judaism *at all*. Isn't it a Jewish law that mothers breastfeed for at least 2 years?

He's just a misogynist. Plain and simple. If all it takes for a marriage to fall apart is breastfeeding, it wasn't a good marriage to begin with.
I completely agree.

My boobs are not off limits/and niether am I~ just because I am nursing. Dh finds the whole mother image sexy...and wonderful that I am taking the best care of *our* children that I know how. Dh and I also loved the challenge of getting babe to sleep and stealing time to go off and have sex in different parts of the house...it made it kind fun. Didn't cramp his style or our style at all. They are HIS kids too...if marriage was all about sex...then why have kids at all?

What an ass. Ugh! He is an extremist...too bad he is a spiritual leader.

Not sure on the Jewish law thing...

Just wanted to add a couple things... I don't know of any "Jewish law" that mandates nursing. I didn't agree with the bottle idea he was pushing. It was the point he was making that it is important to take care of DH needs even when it may not be your favorite idea for the evening. Organicmam said it very well.For the record he is not accepted as some all-knowing leader for large segments of the Orthodox community. He has some good ideas and landed himself a sitcom.

A Rabbi I consulted once told me that if I needed medical advice that I should see a doctor. I think Boteach was making a good point but I don't agree with the whole solution.

Just wanted to add a couple things... I don't know of any "Jewish law" that mandates nursing. I didn't agree with the bottle idea he was pushing. It was the point he was making that it is important to take care of DH needs even when it may not be your favorite idea for the evening. Organicmam said it very well.For the record he is not accepted as some all-knowing leader for large segments of the Orthodox community. He has some good ideas and landed himself a sitcom.

A Rabbi I consulted once told me that if I needed medical advice that I should see a doctor. I think Boteach was making a good point but I don't agree with the whole solution.
ITA agree that your marriage and your husband need to be nurtrued...I have no argument with that. But, Family life is dynamic, sometimes the marrigae comes first, sometimes the kids, etc. To say that Breastfeeding is the cause of a bad marriage and that the bottle is the solution is just disgusting and really sad.

I am disgusted with this man's theory that nurturing the child created between husband and wife is somehow neglecting the husband's needs...
GAG!
Breasts were not made for a MAN's playthings. If that were the case, they would not contain mammary glands to feed our offspring.
And he failed to mention the percentage of women, still married, who have had a breast or 2 removed....are they too, at fault for that?:vent:

I would like to whip out my now dried up, less than perfect and/or attractive teats and slap this guy across the face, only after making him watch a woman giving birth, from the doc's view.
:vent:

what he has to say is complete and utter nonsense. He is messed up in the head and has no idea how it really is in good marriages. AND what he has to say is unbiblical in my opinion.He's twisted.

Is he really a rabbi? Or is he the writer that interviewed different rabbis about modern concerns, and then wrote a book synthesizing what he thought they said? If he's the last guy, there has been research with rabbis going "Not quite. Interesting, but not quite."

No flames. I'm glad all of ya'll's love life is going well. I feel like we're in high school- the awkward, just getting to know you part, with braces, and pimples, and groping. It's awkward, and strange, and I haven't any idea how to get to happy, except maybe go through this.

The writer mentions wanting a happy home when he grew up. Did he not have it? There's a chance he's taking this huge leap of imagination, to guess what a happy marriage looks like, and what the "rules" would be, besides "be present." I know that a happy marriage looks different from a child's perspective, than from a grownups perspective. Well, everything does. I think things look simpler, and easier, from the child's perspective.

Linking boobs and bottles and sexuality: it's a very this century construction. Moms weren't considered hot until, well, now. They weren't expected to get dental care, or wear makeup. Prenatal boobs went in and out. Maternal boobs weren't interesting until the 1950's, when bottles came in. The fifties had this looming, full breasted look, with shirts buttoned right up to the top, but "bullet bras."Before that, they were sort of workaday babyfood factories. And heinies, backs, shoulders, faces, ankles- those were hot. In Mali, where you wear a skirt, only, breasts aren't hot, but ankles are. North Americans get in trouble for wearing shorts- flashing ankles, and shirts- who cares?

For the mom thing- look at the daguerrotypes of your grandparents, and so on. They look pretty toothless, and grim? Tolstoy, chapter one of Anna Karenina- the guy talking about his wife?

ari

The more womanly I become, the more that secure man of mine thinks I'm the hottest mama around. He watched our first baby being cut out of me while taking 30 photos; he watched the second come out the traditional hole and can't seem to come up for air when he's down there exploring (TMI?!). As for the breastfeeding, I did it for 3 1/2 years for each kid and it just made those more of real breasts to him, and therefore more attractive, since they were being used for their ultimate purpose (most cultures, that rabbi may want to know, do not use breasts in sexual expression, as they are seen as life-giving organs, and are not sexualized). Because we are Christians, we have read the Biblical passages together in the Old Testament which talk about breastfeeding and give examples of children being breastfed up to the age of seven years before going off to temple. As for co-sleeping, we did that too. And, if too many kids were in the bed to whoop it up, we found another (usually more exciting room or location) to take care of business. Because my hubby was so involved with the parenting and so supportive of our approach, it wouldn't occur to him to put his sexual needs above the brief period of seven years (out of our 20!) that we had the privilege of snuggling them in our bed each night. So, I guess I think a man's view of these things comes from his security in himself and in his valuing of the woman and her role in birthing and nurturing children with her breasts. Just some thoughts. Shrinkmama