Katie is closing in on 16 months and I am going through some issues I don't remember having with my other kids. She is so much more head-strong and strong-willed (and I thought my oldest dd was until I met Katie!) and I'm having trouble not just letting her have her way all the time.

I encourage her to express what she wants and to reinforce that, I want to respond positively to her requests. But what about when I can't? For safety reasons or whatever?

For instance, when I am carrying her and start getting a shopping cart ready, she starts shaking her head, saying "No, no!" and waving her arms in protest. I need her to sit in the cart, though. I cannot physically carry her very long right now, so she's got to sit in the cart. I *hate* not being able to respond to her "need" of not wanting to be in the cart. We have tried letting her walk, which I am okay with in a store if she holds one of her siblings' hands, but she won't agree to hold someone's hand. Usually she starts screaming and reaching for us within a few minutes of having her sit in the cart and we end up giving in because everyone is staring and glaring at us and after all, "she just wants to be held!" (This is what an elderly lady recently said to me while chastising me for not picking her up!)

Yeah, I understand that and I want to meet her needs and I used to carry her anytime she wanted, but there are times when we can't let her do/have what she wants! Is that anti-AP of me? I'm not into CIO at all and I believe firmly in responding to her needs, but the rest of the family has needs too...I'm afraid if I keep doing everything she wants (and let her do whatever she wants) that she'll have problems later.

Any ideas?

i'm sorry..that is hard.

i have a feeling jackson is going to be more that way. he protests things a lot now. i don't remember savannah being the same way. he's usually a laid back child but he is head strong.

only thing i could say is that you're going to have to have a game plan before you get to the shopping cart. unfortunately a 16 month old is hard to negotiate with. what about a favorite snack while sitting?

yes, full on distraction. GO shopping when she is very happy, rested. Either morning or after a nap. Whatever her best time of day is.
Also, favorite snack to entertain her. Does she have toys she can bring?

That would be hard. Does she like to be in a back pack? Maybe you could try that option she might take the whole thing better than the cart. My dd loves the cart or the backpack so we are OK so far....but she is headstrong to..I know I don't have much time beofre we butt heads on something mundane like shopping.

Anders is my easy-going guy. He just goes, most of the time, where I want him to go.

Erik was so intense, though. At 15 months, I was talking him through EVERYTHING. 15 minutes before we left for the store, I had to give him a verbal countdown. It seemed silly with a little toddler, but it WORKED. So I'd start "Erik, it's almost time to go to the store. In 15 minutes, we're going to get our coats on, and mom is going to carry you to the car. Then you need to sit in your carseat. I will sit in my seat, and drive the car. We'll drive alll the way to the store. When we get there, you will sit in the cart, and we'll do our grocery shopping. Today we need yogurt! Will you help me get the yogurt?" I repeated it at least 3 times at home.

He then would easily get into the carseat, most of the time. I drove about 20 minutes to the store, in this example, and the whole time I would talk about what would happen--when we get to the store, I'll take you out of your carseat, and then you need to sit in the cart. We'll go into the store and get our yogurt and bananas (or other food I knew he liked).

I ALWAYS put him in the cart next to the car, instead of carrying him in my arms to the store. If he did still have a refusal, I would hold him in my arms again, and say "Erik, I know you don't want to get in the cart. But it's time, because we need to get our groceries." Very calm, and I would just repeat as much as he needed it. But most of the time, when I had prepared him for what was coming up, he was fine.

I did give him snacks in the store, mostly stuff I brought with me, like veggie booty or dry cereal.

Our approach was the same for other situations. Even when I did this, it took me a long time sometimes--like for doctor's visits. At about 12 months, he started screaming every time we went. It was REALLY hard for him. So finally, before his 2 year visit, I talked about EXACTLY what would happen: we'll drive there in the car. We'll go up in the elevator. You can push the number 3. We'll walk in to the waiting room, and read books and color. The nurse will come in and say "Erik!" and we'll gather up all of our books, then we'll walk back to the scale. You will stand up tall on the scale, so we can see what number you are (he was already fascinated with numbers), and then you'll stand still while we see how tall you are. Then we'll..... etc. After each step, I'd repeat the rest of it, leaving off what we'd already done.

It was amazing to me how much this calmed Erik down. He seemed to have a need to know exactly what was happening, and if we just carried him along, he couldn't process it all. so in his case, it wasn't necessarily a "will" thing, though it appeared like it at first. But as soon as he knew what to expect, the challenging behaviors almost completely disappeared.

We remain using that kind of language with both boys when they want to do something and it's not possible within the framework of what we're doing. I work really hard to not just demand it, but to talk them through it (OK, now that Erik is four I do sometimes ask him to do things without a huge long explanation. And he does now. It just seems like a lot to ask of some toddlers). If Anders doesn't want to get in the car, I tell him, "I know you don't want to get in the car. But it's time to go to Jump and Tumble right now. When we get there we will read books together. [it's Erik's gymnastics class] You need to listen to mom now, Anders." And nearly without fail, he does.

So yes, you can't always do what your toddler wants. And I don't believe you SHOULD always do what your toddler wants. But you can be respectful still. And you can communicate that you hear them. I've been so surprised at how easily Anders calms down when I just speak his feelings. He's mad, he's throwing a temper tantrum, to use the popular terminology. I hold him and say "You're MAD. You wanted to have the blue bowl." He sniffs, agrees, and snuggles. Sometimes I can say, "I dind't understand what you needed Anders, and now I do. So I will get you the blue bowl." Other times I have to say, "I'm sorry, Anders. I know you wanted the blue bowl, but Erik is using it. You can have the green one instead. I know you feel frustrated."

Anyway. Erik was my only when we were going through the hardest part, so I had a lot of time and energy to devote to trying different things, reading different things. I had the time to talk through every little thing ;) So if you need some help with other particular situations, let me know. Otherwise, feel free to just ignore everything as nonsense coming from an opinionated nobody ;)

Otherwise, feel free to just ignore everything as nonsense coming from an opinionated nobody ;)
:hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha:

Well Heather, *I* appreciate you typing that all out. It was really cool reading it all. I tend to what you do as well..the outline of our trip, what to expect, just not in so much detail. I also do it like when we are taking a walk~ holding hads, get to a curb, "OK, big step, " "What is around the corner, yes the soccer flied" "Use your eyes, there is an electrical pole up ahead" It really keeps things going smoothly. Even when the girls were babies, I would always tell them I was going to pick them up before I picked them up, so that they could think in that direction and it wouldn't be such a shock. Like, I f I needed to change a diaper or take them to the car to go somewhere. I figured it was fair for me to warn them even though they didn't really have words and were not verbal.

Blah, blah, blah LOL!

I gotta go rip out more seams :(

So yes, you can't always do what your toddler wants. And I don't believe you SHOULD always do what your toddler wants. But you can be respectful still. And you can communicate that you hear them. I've been so surprised at how easily Anders calms down when I just speak his feelings. He's mad, he's throwing a temper tantrum, to use the popular terminology. I hold him and say "You're MAD. You wanted to have the blue bowl." He sniffs, agrees, and snuggles. Sometimes I can say, "I dind't understand what you needed Anders, and now I do. So I will get you the blue bowl." Other times I have to say, "I'm sorry, Anders. I know you wanted the blue bowl, but Erik is using it. You can have the green one instead. I know you feel frustrated."

this is very much like harvey karp's book happiest toddler on the block...

this is very much like harvey karp's book happiest toddler on the block...

I've never read it, but my mom told me some about it, and I think that's when I made it more concretely something we do. Though I explained stuff to Erik, I didn't always know how to deal with his meltdowns. I do that part much better with Anders than I did with Erik.

Great advice. I just try to go without the kids when at all possible! LOL Other than that give snacks and toys. And our rule has always been "you must hold my hand or I will carry you, what would you like to do?"

Great advice. I just try to go without the kids when at all possible! LOL Other than that give snacks and toys. And our rule has always been "you must hold my hand or I will carry you, what would you like to do?"

I say that too! It really works well for us.

Thanks, mamas! There is a lot of great advice here! Especially Heather, thanks for typing all that out! :D I've started implementing those ideas and I do see a difference in her behavior. I definitely think I wasn't giving her enough credit since she seems to understand so much more than I was bothering to tell her. :D She's been a lot happier knowing what to expect--I just can't believe I didn't think of that before.

You should see Ellery when we won't open the frig for her! She is so headstrong and stubborn. I'm having a hard time getting her to drink less from a bottle (believe me when I say she is taking in way more goat's milk than necessary & this is per her ped. orders for less milk)...if we don't give it to her, she SCREAMS and tantrums. It's so hard. I've had similar experiences in the cart....it's cut my shopping trip short and I've learned to go without her and other times when that is not feasible, I make sure I go when she is happiest (just after a nap) and then I grab a box of baby's snacks for her to pick on while I shop. It's a really hard age.....consistency works best for whatever you decide.