Ok lonnnnng story short. My DD who is turning 17 tomorrow, tried to pull a fast one. Very very very unlike her.
She said she was spending the night at a friends last night, we found out that she did not and was instead at a friend of her boyfriend.
We are going on a cruise in 2 weeks. My in-laws paid, said they are fine if she can not come due to punishment. My family said they would "babysit" her, in fact my dad travels for work and he said he would make her come along.
Too harsh?
Here is what else I have decided.

Tradeing in her cell phone for a "Firefly" one that can only call and recieve from a list that we program. It even has a mom and dad button...Humiliating it will be~
Taking her car from her exept for work= she will be taking the bus to school!
No computer acess unless we sign her on.
Any other suggestions?
HElp me out!

Well agian I dont have kids this age, BUT I dont know if I would take the trip away, as someone else did pay for it, and they cant be refunded for it (or can they) but I think all your other ideas are great:) and would do every single one fo them if I was you as that is one of the worst lies in my opinion...
GOOD LUCK mama

i think taking away a family vacation is a bit harsh for a first offense-if it is the first offense.
i would not hesitate to take the cell phone, car and/or computer though.
good luck, i am a bit scared of the first time my kids do that.

i'd go for the phone (and NOT give her a substitution), or car and/or computer...lol ~

I'd take her on the vacation but tell her that, since you can't trust her, she's going to have to stay with you the whole time (no going out and having fun on her own). I'd also cut back computer access and definately take away the car. I'd also let her know clearly that she betrayed your trust and she's going to have to work at getting it back.

I'm sorry she did that. ((HUGS))!!

Ann

Please do not flame me, and please see that I do NOT have kids anywhere near this old. I am just remembering being that old, at least as well as I can.

What does each phase of the punishment result in? If she stays home from the vacation, you will have a LONG cooling off period, which could be good. She might have a LONG time to build up resentment at the punishment, which could be bad.

Taking away her phone and making it so she has a very limited call list- Will that change her behavior? Do you think it will keep her from making plans like this again? Do her friends not have phones that she cah easily borrow?

Taking her car away- Well, that would probably keep her from going some places, but I will tell you I saw my now DH every day when we were 17 because he just told his parents he worked longer hours than he actually worked. Even as an adult I cannot figure out why they were so strict about us seeing each other. We were both really good kids.

Again, how does taking away computer time change her behavior?

I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck!

i think taking away a family vacation is a bit harsh for a first offense-if it is the first offense.

I agree. What will you do if there's a second offense?

I remember lying to my parents', saying I'd be at so-and-so's so I could spend the night with my boyfriend, or spend the night at a neighboring college town at whoever's apartment or dorm. Sure, I got grounded several times when caught in a lie, but I never stopped trying to get my way. Man...I hope my DD doesn't turn out like me!!!!:wah:

:hug: Only a few more years before my DD is 17. Gulp.

I totally agree with what your punishment is. Lying is lying and for her to have told you that she would be one place and in another is a huge safety breech. You know that she has to learn to be truthful, not just as a trust issue but who knows what could have happened to her safety; future wise if something had. We have to be parents first and friends second.

Went through this same scenario with our soon to be 17 YO and we did everything you did except we weren't going on a cruise, but if we had been, she wouldn't have been going either. One more thing, she didn't get her cell phone back til this past month once she returned from the residential program.

You know your DD better than all of us, and know what will get through to her that her behaviour will not be tolerated and for her to know what is expected of her.

Just my .02.

Trish

I would take her on the family vacation and spend time with her. Talk to her. Not as a punishment, as a way to spend time with her. She is 17 and will be gone soon. It could foster some deep conversations being away from all friends with her mom.

I am not sure about 'humiliating' her with the phone idea, but taking away the car and internet sounds good, maybe... She is 17. Almost an adult.

Gosh, I'm afraid to even think about this stuff. My son is 15.5, but no where near anything like this. I will say that I was living on my own at your dd's age. All I have to offer is :hug: .

I would take her on the family vacation and spend time with her. Talk to her. Not as a punishment, as a way to spend time with her. She is 17 and will be gone soon. It could foster some deep conversations being away from all friends with her mom.

I agree...I would take her on the vacation. You said this is very unlike her. It will be such a good chance for you to spend time with her! I know even at that age I wanted time with my mom. Also-she'll be away from her friends not tempted into getting into trouble~lol!

Taking away computer and car~yeah I agree. Cell phone if you pay for it...

Does she pay for any of these priveledges? Does she pay her cell phone?

Please do not flame me, and please see that I do NOT have kids anywhere near this old. I am just remembering being that old, at least as well as I can.

What does each phase of the punishment result in? If she stays home from the vacation, you will have a LONG cooling off period, which could be good. She might have a LONG time to build up resentment at the punishment, which could be bad.

Taking away her phone and making it so she has a very limited call list- Will that change her behavior? Do you think it will keep her from making plans like this again? Do her friends not have phones that she cah easily borrow?

Taking her car away- Well, that would probably keep her from going some places, but I will tell you I saw my now DH every day when we were 17 because he just told his parents he worked longer hours than he actually worked. Even as an adult I cannot figure out why they were so strict about us seeing each other. We were both really good kids.

Again, how does taking away computer time change her behavior?

I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck!
ITA!

I would think that since the issue was lying and trust, then consequenses should fit the crime more.........since she betrayed your trust, then you can't trust her word and need to check up on her and keep her in your sight more, yk? No unsupervised trips to the mall/movies/etc until you feel you can trust her.

I'd also get to the bottom of why she lied, and try to work it that out.

Just my .02

Pretty soon she is gonna be on her own. Do you trust her? Would you have considered letting her be at the friends house she went to or did she need to lie in order to go there. When I was her age, I had lived on my own for a few years, and was married. I am only 25 now, so i remember very clearly. I was a very trustworthy kid which it seems like your daughter is for the most part. Let her start making her own errors now, the consequenses only get bigger the older you are.

I'd take her on the vacation but tell her that, since you can't trust her, she's going to have to stay with you the whole time (no going out and having fun on her own). I'd also cut back computer access and definately take away the car. I'd also let her know clearly that she betrayed your trust and she's going to have to work at getting it back.

I'm sorry she did that. ((HUGS))!!

Ann

Ditto.

:hug:

I don't have kids this age, but my sister is only 20, and I remember her pulling alot of stuff like this. I did some stuff like that too. Infact, I did get "grounded" from a really fun trip b/c of one of them. It had NO affect on my behavior, and infact only served to piss me off. I think that you are WAY off to take such drastic measures as taking away a familiy vacation, computer phone, ect. SHe is almost an adult, and you cannot expect her to just do exactly as you say anymore. That said, I do think that for safety reasons she should always let you know where she is. That is reasonable. Maybe instead of being the punisher, you should instead try to work on some boundary issues now. Let her know what you expect of her, to know where she is at all times, that this is a safety issue, that you do trust her, and that you also respect that some decisions are hers, not yours, to make. At this point, you are no longer 100% in charge of her. She is slowly growing into her own person. You need to just guide her into the right direction, but if she is truely going to be on her own, going to college in one year, she needs the experience NOW of making some decisions for herself.

I'd really be more worried about the lying, than where she actually was (I'm assuming that the boyfriend was there, too, and there was probably some sort of party.)

I'd also re-think telling your entire extended family about this. Why do they need to know?

If I were you, I'd probably just tell her that for her safety you must always know where she is, then I'd be restrictive w/ the car (bus to school is a bit much IMO, though), and cancel the next few weekend's worth of teenage activities. I don't like that the punishments you mention will be humiliating. That shouldn't be the point. I'd also load on a few more chores, added responsibility!

Hey Karen,
AS you know I have had tons of problems with my teens for the past few years and what I have learned is that taking away too many privileges leaves nothing for you to take away in the future if it happens again.
So I would say this:
Take her on the family trip and try to build closer relationship that way. The last thing she needs is to begin feeling alienated-then she will for sure continue to rebel. They dont always have alot of sense at this age.

The other actions are pretty good-You are not totally denying her all the things that she woudl want, but you are closer monitoring.
You prolly should give her a time limit, say if she is going to have to be signed onto the computer, is this 1 week, 4 weeks, etc....becuase eventually you will have to give it back to her to enable her to prove she can be trusted.

So be specific, or even say, as long as you keep your nose clean for the next month, I will allow you the privilege to sign into the computer, but I will be close to be sure you are making right choices.

Good luck Karen...this is one of the hardest things to deal with IMHO.

And thank you for those clothes....the boys especially are enjoying them:)

I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck![/QUOTE]


I agree this will work for some kids. My oldest would just be humiliated that he had been caught. If this is really something that you think has never happened before and overall behavior is good, I would try the talk and possible grounding from leaving the house (except school/church) without parents for a week or so. Parents also providing all transportation during that time. That would be a more "natural consequence" sort of thing. "You don't go where you say you go, then you only go with supervision." A second offence would be a whole different story.

Hey Karen,
AS you know I have had tons of problems with my teens for the past few years and what I have learned is that taking away too many privileges leaves nothing for you to take away in the future if it happens again.
So I would say this:
Take her on the family trip and try to build closer relationship that way. The last thing she needs is to begin feeling alienated-then she will for sure continue to rebel. They dont always have alot of sense at this age.

The other actions are pretty good-You are not totally denying her all the things that she woudl want, but you are closer monitoring.
You prolly should give her a time limit, say if she is going to have to be signed onto the computer, is this 1 week, 4 weeks, etc....becuase eventually you will have to give it back to her to enable her to prove she can be trusted.

So be specific, or even say, as long as you keep your nose clean for the next month, I will allow you the privilege to sign into the computer, but I will be close to be sure you are making right choices.

Good luck Karen...this is one of the hardest things to deal with IMHO.

And thank you for those clothes....the boys especially are enjoying them:)

I've had issues with my 16 yo as well, and I completely agree with everything above. :) Definitely take her on the trip with you- she needs more time with family, not less. I wouldn't do anything with her phone or car, but limiting computer access and making her check in more frequently is something I'd do.
Good luck! Teenagers are so much harder than little kids!

Please do not flame me, and please see that I do NOT have kids anywhere near this old. I am just remembering being that old, at least as well as I can.

What does each phase of the punishment result in? If she stays home from the vacation, you will have a LONG cooling off period, which could be good. She might have a LONG time to build up resentment at the punishment, which could be bad.

Taking away her phone and making it so she has a very limited call list- Will that change her behavior? Do you think it will keep her from making plans like this again? Do her friends not have phones that she cah easily borrow?

Taking her car away- Well, that would probably keep her from going some places, but I will tell you I saw my now DH every day when we were 17 because he just told his parents he worked longer hours than he actually worked. Even as an adult I cannot figure out why they were so strict about us seeing each other. We were both really good kids.

Again, how does taking away computer time change her behavior?

I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck!

ITA! When I was 17 I did the same thing. I was not a bad kid. That guy is now my dh. I moved out before I was 18. That's a difficult age!

about talking to her about your disappointment but dont be overly harsh. She is almost grown. I would definitely take her on the trip and try to have some heart to hearts with her. Have fun. Enjoy her away from the influences of friends. Talk to her about things. Maybe she will open up about what is going on with her.

Also, do you think she is having sex? Do you discuss it ever and does she share your values on this? Have you clearly articulated your expectations about boyfriends etc? Does she have access to birth control etc? I am just asking because I would be concerned about the safe sex issue. Even if you think there is no way in hell she is sexually active, she very well could be and not being safe. I was a straight A student, goody two shoes type and was having sex at age 15, and my parents had NO CLUE!

So my biggest worry would be her physical safety and I would deal with that first. Next, the lying, and as Kim said, just talk to her. Ask why she needed to do that? I guess I would want to have some consequence for her to show that lying is not ok, but I think your disappointment will be the biggest consequence if you have a good relationship with her. A week of no car or something should be enough in my view but I am not big on punishment. Good luck!

ITA!

I would think that since the issue was lying and trust, then consequenses should fit the crime more.........since she betrayed your trust, then you can't trust her word and need to check up on her and keep her in your sight more, yk? No unsupervised trips to the mall/movies/etc until you feel you can trust her.

I'd also get to the bottom of why she lied, and try to work it that out.

Just my .02

ITA with this. The consequences, especially for a first offense, should fit the crime.

We have an almost-18 yr old living with us, and we just dealt with some of these issues last week. It's TOUGH.

couple of things...

i would NOT take away ANYTHING from her, or ground her from anything.

i would take her on the cruise, and spend lots of mama/dd time with her. ask her questions/promising to not get mad at her for her answers. i'd wanna know if it truly was th first time. how long she's been sexually active, and molst importantly, is she protecting herself?

the most important thing i can think of wanting to know besides those things, is IS SHE IN LOVE with this boy? if she is, then you should invite him over to spend time and hang out with your whole family-taking him out to eat, going shopping, etc. you need to get to know him-and he needs to get to know you-AND WHAT YOU EXPECT OF HIM.

once this happens, HE will not want your dd to get into any trouble-because he'll have respect for you and your limits, yk?

if you put restrictions on her phone, internet (chat/em), etc-it *will* backfire on you, mama. trust me on that.

i used to do "late nights" with my ds's gf-she'd stay late (until mid or so) and watch movies and play games and the i'd take her home. maybe this is something that might work?

Thanks mamas-
I was gone all day.
She is a good kid. WE have an awesome relationship. We do things together etc, I did let her off the hook a while back when she went back out after curfew and hung out with some neighborhood kids this summer. She does not drink, smoke etc. She is a peer counselor for PP! Sooo if/when she does become sexually active, she has acess and is very well informed!
She is home from work now, I did get the kids resricted phone. She will always be able to call us, family, friends and work etc. As for the computer, she spends a TON of time on MySpace and wow- the **** that goes on on there blows my mind!
She is telling me this was accidental etc. Issue is, I do not know this boy who she is "sort-of" dating. He is a HUGE HUGE partier, looked him up today on myspace using another kid's account. That really worries me. She says that is why she is only "sort-of" dating him. I know her friend was covering for her etc. Grrrr. this is so hard.
I was a young mama too, so I do remember, and I did many similar things. My own teen behavior is what is reminding me and scarring the h*ll out of me!I met her dad when I was 17, he was 21... What the h*ll were my parents thinking????

I think it's too much. I don't know what I'd do honestly. It must be quite scary for you :(

Good advice all around.

Take her on the vacation. Sometime a family vacation for a 17yo is punishment in and of itself. LOL!

FWIW, this is why I always, without fail, call and confirm...not only that she is going where she says she is, but that parents will be there, etc.

No confirmation, no parents = no going. Period. Ever.

But mom, "I'm (insert age here)!" To which I answer, "Yes, you are. That's why I am doing this."
Yeah, they hate it. Too bad, so sad. They'll live.

Your reactions/punishments would be mine *exactly*. That is exactly what I would say and/or do if you asked me two or three months ago. But, I wouldn't have let her stay home from the vacation. Family togetherness is important and we don't always have as many opportunities for that once the kids get older. Plus, I just don't know who'd we leave one of our kids with. I wouldn't really want to leave one behind.

Now that I have had a little experience with a teen DD I definitely would rethink all of those punishments, but still I don't know exactly what I'd do???

BTW, there should never be any flames on this type of subject since who really knows what the heck to do with teenagers, anyway! LOL!

We (think) we are just getting off the freakiest roller coaster ride called teenagehood that we could ever have imagined.

Just listen to your heart, mama. I truly wish you and your dd the best. (And I know I am no help here as I am in a similar situation)

Yeah, I do not like MySpace. I do not like what I've seen on there for these young girls. :( I haven't seen too many boy sites, because most of what I've seen has been over J's shoulder... but it just makes me sad.

I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness.
ITA. I would take her on the cruise, but not allow her to go out with non-family AT ALL, unless you are around to supervise. And I'd institute that for, say, three weeks, then give her the chance to earn back trust. I wouldn't let her use the car at all and would make her take the bus to school and from school to work (I graduated in 2000 and my school district had no problems dropping kids at jobs, if the parent called about it), then pick her up from work myself. I don't think the phone/internet limiting makes much sense.

I did this sort of thing as a teen and, honestly, that's the only thing that would have made a difference to me. If the punishment for the first offense is too severe, it will just push her away and, IMO, foster future transgressions.

I'm with Kas on this one.
Chels is 16 and thank the Lord we've not gone this route (yet) but from what I've seen punishment just builds resentment and walls between us when what I want is for her to trust me and her dad, talk to us, tell us the truth.

Chels doesn't often spend the night at her friends houses because honestly those parents scare me and I don't allow it. Her friends are always welcome here and she has them sleep here often. Thats one way I guess I avoid this.

If she came to me and said she was going somewhere and ended up at his house unsupervised or something I guess I'd want to flip it and tell her why i wanted her here in the safety of our home. For now with her new boyfriend we've told her he is always welcome here. He can crash on our couch anytime (dh says he'll sleep on the other couch lol)

Its so hard to parent a teen

(((((((((((hugs mama)))))))))))))

this girl is old enough to be in the military and defend our country~what's so bad about her spending alone time with her bf? i guess i don't get why her lying is such an issue-because kids only lie when they think the answer will be no...and when they don't wanna get into trouble. i'd be exploring my relationship w/her if she lied to me.

i dunno, i guess i'm in the minority w/my teen parenting. imo, they need freedoms at 17 because they're leaving home so soon after this age. they'll have many more decisions to make once they're gone-intimacy being one of them.

this girl is old enough to be in the military and defend our country~what's so bad about her spending alone time with her bf? i guess i don't get why her lying is such an issue-because kids only lie when they think the answer will be no...and when they don't wanna get into trouble. i'd be exploring my relationship w/her if she lied to me.

i dunno, i guess i'm in the minority w/my teen parenting. imo, they need freedoms at 17 because they're leaving home so soon after this age. they'll have many more decisions to make once they're gone-intimacy being one of them.

i don't think the issue is having a boyfriend or spending time with the boyfriend. the issue is she lied and she didn't have to. for me, lying is a HUGE no-no and the reason for the lying is really irrelevant.
i know teens need freedom, but lying is still not ok.

i don't think the issue is having a boyfriend or spending time with the boyfriend. the issue is she lied and she didn't have to. for me, lying is a HUGE no-no and the reason for the lying is really irrelevant.
i know teens need freedom, but lying is still not ok.

if my teenage ds lied to me about something so huge, i'd be trying to figure out *why* he felt the need to lie about it-and my guess is the girl didn't feel her mother would want her to be intimate with this boy.

That is the exact issue- I am more concerned with her lying than really the other stuff. She is a generally honest kid. She is also very very naive and kind of not-so-street smart. She is just going to be 17 tomorrow. Her first real boyfriend was a huge issue. We took him in basically, as suggested by another mama. We knew he had past issues but we also knew he was good to my daughter, blended with my little kids and treated us with respect. THEN it all started to unravel. He became very possesive of my daughter, controlling her and her other friendships, he did not stay on his meds yada yada yada ending with we needed a restraining order to keep him away from our family.
Fast forward two years, she still has a hard time making solid true friends. She is very very mature thinking and acting. She volunteers, is active for PP etc. So she does nto fit with the teenage idiots that make up about 98% of those around us. When she does click- it sems that she tries really hard to be "a teen". I know she feels really bad.
My Dh is more angry-upset-wanting to punish than I am. But for now she is going to have less access to a regular cell- (yes, I pay for it) and she will only have her car (that I pay for everything except gas) to drive to work.
I do treat her with respect and have trusted her alot after she made the disconnect from the last nigtmare boyfriend. She is truly a cool person to be with and we have the most awesome discussions. She is about 15 years ahead in enightenment than I was at her age. I just want her to know how serious it is to not let us know who-what-when-where etc. When she has a phone and her own car.
I do not plan on leaving her home. I just have to convince dh.
Thanks mamas

Kas-
Though I would prefer that she not be intimate with this boy or any other until she is truly "In love" or older. I am not stupid. I also sit on the state board of PP in Indiana. She is sooo informed on options, choices etc. We have frequent everyday conversations about sex, birth and babies.
I do know that she was sexually active at one time. I think she would tell me if she was again.
I am more wanting to help her so she does not end up with a total idiot BF again. She is such a tender heart. current guy is in "alternative" school for skipping, does not have a license at 18 yo for getting caught driving at 15. etc. etc. I had been cool about him, he ahs been over once and hung out. He just has my radar up again.

Well my kids are 4 and a baby so feel free to ignore me.

I skimmed a few replies and agree that not taking on the vacation would not be the best punishment. I agree with whoever said to take her and build the relationship b/t you. Also to keep her with you as you can't trust her right now.

A big question is how did she respond to being caught? is she remorseful? Hateful? I do think I'd be replacing her phone with only numbers you can program. I would also tell her that you will be requiring her to give you the phone numbers wherever she goes, and that you will CALL and check to make sure she is there (landline phone, not her cell). I think that would be enough punishment myself, as it tends to go along with the offense. Taking away computer time is a good punishment, BUT is she trustworthy on the computer? If so, I don't think thats the best punishment.

I guess how I would react has a lot to do with how she reacted to being found out.

{{{{Shifra}}}

Please do not flame me, and please see that I do NOT have kids anywhere near this old. I am just remembering being that old, at least as well as I can.

What does each phase of the punishment result in? If she stays home from the vacation, you will have a LONG cooling off period, which could be good. She might have a LONG time to build up resentment at the punishment, which could be bad.

Taking away her phone and making it so she has a very limited call list- Will that change her behavior? Do you think it will keep her from making plans like this again? Do her friends not have phones that she cah easily borrow?

Taking her car away- Well, that would probably keep her from going some places, but I will tell you I saw my now DH every day when we were 17 because he just told his parents he worked longer hours than he actually worked. Even as an adult I cannot figure out why they were so strict about us seeing each other. We were both really good kids.

Again, how does taking away computer time change her behavior?

I am so glad I am not in your shoes, and I am in no position to even try to act like an expert. I am just pointing out that these punishments might not result in anything but resentment and sneakiness. If she is really mostly a good kid, you might just need to have an "I am so disappointed" type talk to get her back in line. Or maybe a "What can we do to keep you from needing to sneak around" type of talk. I cannot possibly know. Good luck!

Completely agree. From the point of view of an ex-17-year-old that was *very* inventive at sneaking to see my now DH and from the point of view of a mother of 18-year old.

Just like the other poster pointer out - one more year and she will be an adult and at that point she will not act a certain way because she will be punished otherwise. It's great to foster an understanding relationship between you where she would listen to your voice of experience and advice willingly.

Having said that - I think serious talk is in order, covering *both* points of view, voicing your disappointment at her lying, voicing your fears of why you would not want her to be were she was, etc., AND hopefully bringing her to the level where she will share *her* feelings for the boy/man, *her* fears that made her lie to you and so on.

Best wishes to you and your DD. I know it can be tough, but hey, by now you very well know how tough motherhood can be :hug:

I think family vacations are often nice opportunities to reconnect and enjoy each other. I think teens more time with their families, not less.

They dont always have alot of sense at this age.


Okay, this is the mind-boggling part. They are so close to being "adult" age where they can make their own decisions, right? But, they also seem to vacillate between "gone mad" and lost all good sense.

I just have a very difficult time allowing her to make major or even minor decisions when she is currently either gone mad or lost all good sense. I know there are some teenagers that manage to keep their wits about them, but I am seeing more and more what I've described above (and I don't mean just with my teenager - I've seen and heard lots of stories recently.)

Okay, this isn't even my post, LOL!