I'm crossposting this in the other age forums as well.
I was talking to my Mom this week and she was telling me about a little girl she used to watch. Apparently the parents never said "no" to her. Instead they would say something like "Elia, if you climb the bookshelf it will fall on you and you will be hurt."
So, how the heck does this work? I mean, that is the example that my Mom gave me and it sounded dangerous to me (Elia was 3 at the time). Maya is at the stage where she will repeatedly ask something, even after I give her an answer and I am sick of saying no. I was thinking that if I used this approach it may help me be a bit more tollerant and slow down before yelling at her.

Occassionally, but rarely. "no" is overused and I save it for situations where I have to let her know immediately and seriously that what she is doing is dangerous.

I try to tell her what I want her to do.

For example, instead of saying, "don't run," I say, "Please walk." If I say "don't run" and she decides to jump backwards, she isn't disobeying or being smart, she is doing exactly what I said, but that wasn't the point. Or, I'll give her two options, i.e., "you can play with the ball outside or you can put it away" rather than "don't bounce the ball in the house."

For the bookshelf, I'd probably say, "please get down from the bookcase; climbing bookcases is dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt. You can pick out a book for us to read if you'd like."

Now, if I'm cooking and she reaches for the range, I will strongly say, "NO!" then, calmly, "that's hot and I do not want you to get hurt."

The problems with "no" are that it is overused, can lead to increased oppositionality, and doesn't tell the child what TO do.

I try not to.

I fail a thousand times a day.

Currently I am just trying not to add the 4 letter words to the no

julie

i read a book called "when no gets you nowhere" had some great suggestions in it
bak

I use "stop" first. I use redirection, and short explanations. I try not to overuse no. I did much better with Erik :) In general, though, I like to keep it immediately effective.

Rebecca,

GREAT post! That's what we try to do, also. Makes a huge difference not only in behavior but your child's verbal skills, also.

Ditto what Rebecca said only plus I hate to sound like a grouchy mean mommy all the time too. I want no to mean NO. And Julie my no's usually have 4 letter words in there too lol Don't feel to bad. Would I scream no to a child climbing on a book shelf um ya, they could get really hurt but if it is something small I will explain it like, If you roller skate on the floor it will scratch it, would you mind going outside with those. Ok that is what I say in the morning but by night time I say, If I see you on those g*d da** skates in the house on more time g*d da** time I will throw them in the g*d da** garbage! Good parenting is all about balance :)

Thanks so much! This post is really helpful. I was taking PPD meds that were making me really sick so I stopped but the main thing I was taking them for was because I feel like a live wire over the smallest thing. I need to figure out a happy medium without them. Maya is really verbal and repeats everything so I am careful about what I say to her. It's sad to me when she will say "1,2,3,4,5 Go to your room, go to your room."

I try not to.

I fail a thousand times a day.

Currently I am just trying not to add the 4 letter words to the no

julie
yep me too :rolleyes:

I am glad so many of you also fail so much and have trouble avoiding the 4 letter words.

My no usage increased when i got pregnant. It increased as my pregnancy did.

My 4 letter words are a new addition which came shortly after the birth of my second son.

I feel bad for poor baby Finn. When Miguel (now 2) was a newborn all he heard were coos and songs and sweet words. Poor Finn hears Miguel and I battle non stop, that with the door slamming and screaching and my ripping poor Finn from my breast so I can dash through the house to rescue the cat or the clean clothes or stop the distruction of the universe. My poor sweet calm child is in a world of chaos.

I guess thats why second kids are second.
julie

On the repeating yourself- my tactic, for better or worse, is I try not to repeat it. If I've said, ball throwing is for outside, then I get up and move the ball and child outside. I TRY to not be grumpy when I do it, because being matter of fact makes the whole thing better for everybody. If the child is just asking over and over to do something I have said no to, I try to change the subject by offering to read or suggesting an activity. Sometimes, especially with Phaedra, I will hold her hand, look straight in her eyes and smile sweetly when she is asking the same thing over and over. It's even better if I can actually put her in my lap. It sounds kind of dumb, but it usually gets her to stop asking, which makes me think she just wanted my attention all along.

eta- I say no all the time, but I sure am trying to find other ways, as no is just silly; it's almost NEVER what I actually mean. I usually mean, stop or later or danger or hot or wait or... You get the idea.

There are some good suggestions here in this thread already. One thing I do is to get silly. When the questions just keep coming and coming and coming and coming... I start answering with goofball stuff. It usually diffuses the situation, often into giggles, and we all move on. For example: Please put your feet on the floor, climbing on the shelves is dangerous. why? Because the shelf could fall and hurt you! "the shelf will fall and hurt me? can I do this?" All of the books will fall on the floor if you do that. "why?" **Because elephants are purple and have big glittery wings, that's why**.

It works every time.

I would also like to encourage everyone to check out their local community college (if you live near-ish one). Many offer "continuing education" classes. I was looking through ours and found a class on understanding why children "misbehave" (they go on to say how misbehavior really isn't as negative as you think, lol) and how to redirect them. The class is 2 sessions and only $14! Dh is already enrolled ;). There were several really great classes on parenting topics that sounded really great. I am enrolled in one as well. Check it out!

Yes! Playful Parenting is an AWESOME book as is "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" - both are MUST READS

I feel bad for poor baby Finn. When Miguel (now 2) was a newborn all he heard were coos and songs and sweet words. Poor Finn hears Miguel and I battle non stop, that with the door slamming and screaching and my ripping poor Finn from my breast so I can dash through the house to rescue the cat or the clean clothes or stop the distruction of the universe. My poor sweet calm child is in a world of chaos.

I guess thats why second kids are second.
julie

Wow. I could have written that post. :hug:

Thanks everyone. We had a death in the family so I haven't kept up on some of these posts I started.
I am getting better with the no and asking her to tell me what i said. moving on to purple elephants...