Hey Mamas...

First off- I have an awesome 13 yo son. He is good, kind and well behaved...for other people.

When he is at home, is nice, sweet, funny, etc...until a sibling or event makes him angry. Then he gets really angry. I can't "reel him in" and he won't listen to reason.

He isn't violent: that isn't an issue. I don't want to give the wrong impression. Not at all. But he just becomes so upset, he can't calm himself down and basically unreasonable. An example would be when I try to discuss the problem at hand he interupts ("Just leave me alone!") and puts his hands up in front of his face. And once he feels he has been wronged; that's it. He has been wronged and nothing will ever change it.

I guess I am just venting. If you have any advice, feel free to share. I would also appreciate positive energies and thoughts. I love this kid so much and he truely is more than a canidate for Brat Camp.

Any thoughts?

I think I"ve read that men (and your son is becoming a man) tend to need time to gather themselves before being able to discuss something. They retreat to their "cave" so to speak (the tv, a book, music, the internet etc) and remove themselves from the situation til they can handle it emotionally.

Is it possible when your son gets this upset you just leave him alone for a bit - tell the siblings to give him space - ask him to take a moment to split to his room til he can come out and talk. (not "go to your room you're in trouble"). Talk to him in advance of the next incident and say maybe 'it seems when things hit the fan you get really angry and we can't talk. Do you think when that happens you just need some time to yourself before we discuss it? Should I remind you to take a break for a few minutes in your room and come out when youre ready to talk again?

Chelsey is a talker. When something happens she wants to talk right away usually. Dh is a non talker. When something happens I need to give him at least 10 minutes space until he is ready to talk otherwise it escalates worse.

I guess I'd try talking to him when he's calm and see what he thinks he needs when he gets upset?

anger is really just incredible fear.

It is the fear that you can't control a situation, that you can't figure things out.

If you could help him, during less stressful times understand that and find new ways to handle his emotions.....it might be helpful.

I would talk to him when he is in a good mood. I would say "Hey, lets go take a walk together and talk."

I would tell him that you want him to find a way to handle this now, so his teen years will be less stressful for him.

Hopefully you two can have a good conversation.

Going through the teens is so difficult due to the changes and fluctuations in the body and brain. It is a good time to set patterns for adult life too!

BTW....I have a 15 yr old ds and he is perfectly capable of discussing his emotions with us.

I really think all kids are different...especially boys and how they react to the puberty thing happenin.

My 5 oldest children went through alot of pain...their dad was a crack head and abandoned the family for long periods of time while I was left with NOTHING to pick up the peices.
Honestly they have damage from all we ahve gone through. Their dad came back into their life a couple years ago and things really went in a spiral. But we are working through it.
Maybe he will get his act togheter and go to court to get his visitation rights back. After 8 years everyone is scratching their heads wondering why he is waiting so long...
My son reacts to this plus his normal everyday life with anger. We are doing all we can to work through it by praying, reading parenting material to see where WE can do better, counseling, and such.
My children are all good kids too,(with wild streaks in them tho...I am not saying they have halo's) but we deal with emotional issues like this more than anything....
Parenting teens can be a painful part of the journey, but we musn't give up or blame ourselves.
Hugs mama

I haven't parented any teenage boys (yet) but my sister who has had three of them (and one girl) always said that grade seven (age 13) is an incredibly hard year for boys. I think girls mature earlier and boys are left bewildered by alot of the girl/boy relationship stuff that girls seem to have an easier time handling.
HTH
good luck mama
anni

Would it help you to know that his brain is undergoing more development now than at probably any other time in his life? Some of the leading researchers of adolescent brain development are automotive insurance companies. They're trying to get a handle on young male drivers. No kidding. Anyway...

Consequence, outcome, problem solving, trouble shooting, JUDGEMENT are really just in their infancy w/teenagers and most obviously in man cubs. And get a group of cubs together and suddenly they all seem to share just 1 brain. Who has the brain? Give it back to my son. lol

You've already gotten really good advice but I'll offer something that's been incredibly helpful for us. In one of those relaxed moments, have a heart to heart about his brain. Really. I sat Forrest down and explained where his brain development is in it's physiological development and that my parenting role has never been more important than it is now to stand shoulder to shoulder with him as he matures. I also let him know that even tho we know WHY he will sometimes make unbelievable mistakes it is NOT a free ticket for being dense. Rather by working together now, he'll one day think completely and responsibly for himself.

Afterward he confided that sometimes he does things or says things and immediately feels remorse afterward. But "in the moment" didn't see the stupidity (his word) of his actions. He looked relieved that he was normal.

We have a constant dialogue about anger managment and refining his coping and social skills. Honestly, a young man giving himself a time-out to collect himself is a GOOD thing. You just need to help him with his delivery; 'get the hell away from me' doesn't cut it. ;)

whaaat, you thought you'd get off w/o one of my notorious etas? lol
eta: Just like you held his hand while his clumsy little feet found the coordination to walk....you hold his hand while his clumsy brain learns how to discern reason, consequence, anger. The only difference between now and 12 years ago is you have to tell him what you're doing. ((hugs))

Katie

Thank you so much, all of you, for the words of wisdom, encouragement and advice.

My buddy just started 7th grade. He is popular, but not too popular. He is cute, but not too cute. Funny, nice, helpful and sweet. He can be mouthy, obstanant, and agrivating. Sounds like a normal 13 year old boy, huh?

He does have a middle child position with two older sisters, 17.5 and 16, and a little brother who is 9. So, he drives the big girls nuts and in turn, his little brother drives him crazy.

When everything is quiet and calm, my big boy will ask me to watch tv with him and rub his back. He still ask me to "tuck him in" and always kisses me good bye.

I am so very blessed...

my son is 14 and just started HS. like your boy he is smart and kind and well spoken and polite to everyone else....lol...and saves all of his uglies for home.

i grew up in a house where gilrs dominated. but i remember all of us sisters thinking the lone boy was really crazy around 12-14. and i remember anger.....but not until my own ds started with his rage moments spurred on by....well often we are unsure....

but it wasn't until we went on vacation with my dad this summer that i think i got a clearer picture. dh and my dad shared some moments (relayed to me by dh) and both remember all too well those confusing angry teen years. they attribute much of it to hormones and the confusion of trying to be a strong man when you still feel like a little boy.

what has worked for us it to be very calm and to have very little conversation with him when he is enraged.....because honestly the rest of the time he is quite wonderful.

then we speak to him about his behavior and feelings and that while his feelings are very real he is responsible for his actions and how those actions affect others. mostly he learns, moves on, and we see baby steps.

i must say that dh (stepdad) has found a real kinship with ds as he navigates these waters of testosterone/anger/rage/manhood and in the process while ds is pulling away from me he is growing closer to his stepdad who he has lived with since he was 8.

luna
mama to a teen who most recently had a screaming crying "you are ruining my life" scene with her 14yo because she asked to see his homework... :confused:

Hey...it has been awhile. As I write this, my guy is taking care of the tent he and three of his buddies slept in last night; braving the chilly, wet and dark October air. Last night, they gathered around a bon fire and talked, laughed and drank juice paks and ate potato chips. I am pretty sure there was either a burping contest or a fart war as well.

My guy still gets angry. But over the past few months, he has figured out a few coping skills and I help him avoid triggers (ie choosing to argue with his nine year old brother instead of just walking away). The changes are slow yet very helpful.

This is such a tremendous time of growth and change for my young man. His body, his hormones, his voice...everyday is different. Except for how much I adore him.