I have been lonely for a while. I am not a church person. I am not a soccer mom. I am a liberal feminist in the bible belt. I haven't had friends in a long time. I guess the solitude is getting boring. I just have no idea how to get past the fact if I am not at work, I am at home. I love who I am and my life...maybe I just need something a little bigger.

:hug:

I really and truly understand.

It's one of the reasons why it has been so hard for me to give up work - it's the only place where I feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among adults.

:big hug:
It does get lonely at times. Don't give up, though. Somewhere not too far from you there are probably some like-minded mamas who are feeling the same way. The trick is findind them.

I totally hear you. 1 of my closest friends is moving from 30 min away from me to about 2000miles. My other friend is away as well. It stinks but i am thankful for many online message boards like this one where i can "meet" like minded mamas.
P.s. i met my best friend online about 4 years ago on a message board, it was the best thing ever!

I know the feeling. If not for these boards and a lot of long distance phone calls I think I'd go nuts. My best friend is outside Seattle. My other good friend is in Baton Rouge. I am pagan (in the closet) in an area what you are who you are by what church you belong to. And, the discipline of choice is spanking. Calgon take me away.

:hug: I'm sorry, I know it's rough. The ladies in the playgroup are very mainstream, and sometimes it's hard for me to be around them. When they start talking about forcing potty training, spanking, and other things I don't agree with, I tend to become easily upset. I'm *hoping* to meet some other Indiana mamas soon.

:sadhug:

I knew there were mamas out there...it is hard finding them! I watched the second Bridget Jones movie and cryed. Not because of the romance...I was jelous she had friends! Gahh!

Are there any LLL groups in your area? Do you have a co-op or natural food store that you could hangout in? Sometimes at NFS and co-ops they have fliers up about events and meetings where other crunchies hangout.

I lived in Ohio most of my life and even there I was able to eventually find some like minded folks, so don't give up!

And...at least you have Amity.

I hope things start looking up for you.

simplespirit,

I can relate to how you feel. my kids were on vacation this week without me and it was sooooo lonely and wierd....my two best friends live hours away. I'll be your friend :)

simplespirit,

I can relate to how you feel. my kids were on vacation this week without me and it was sooooo lonely and wierd....my two best friends live hours away. I'll be your friend :)

Yeay!!! I made a friend! :happy:

Hey, you can be lonely with a church, and sports. It's really easy.

Now, add colds, sniffles, school volunteering, ear infections, surgery, out of town guests, I see people twice a year, sometimes three times a year.

You are lucky to have the boards.

Now, to find people........you know that made the front page of the Wall Street Journal? Seriously, it did. Moms finding friends, and how hard it is.

Regal Cinemas are having free movies for kids in the summer. Start talking to whoever's next to you.

Find a coffee house, not necessarily Starbucks.

Post a flyer for a playgroup. You can drop out of playgroups that you start.

See if the bookstore will have a reading of Sue Kidd's books---that's sort of a stealth way to find the non- Christians, or the dissatisfied ones.

Do political volunteering, or just show up in the various reps' offices, and ask questions. City council meetings, too. Bring knitting, or something, or kids. Just listen, and say hi to everyone.

There has to be a cable station, and the cable station has community access, probably with classes. If they are free, try 'em. If they are cheap, think about it. Say hi to people.

Take a camera around town, and start taking pictures. People like talking to people who are playing.

Are there museums? Do they have play days? Can you talk to docents, guides, curators?

Is there a meditation group, or a UU church? Even a Friends meeting?

Bowling?

ari

I have been lonely for a while. I am not a church person. I am not a soccer mom. I am a liberal feminist in the bible belt. I haven't had friends in a long time. I guess the solitude is getting boring. I just have no idea how to get past the fact if I am not at work, I am at home. I love who I am and my life...maybe I just need something a little bigger.
:hug:

You just described a big need in my life. It is something that is really bothering me a great deal lately.

I long for friendships. I'm a really really good friend, however most women hate me on sight. Seriously...they do and I have never figured out why...even my dh saw it when he went to a function for preschool story hour at the public library with me last week. Now he really feels bad for me and understands why I get so upset at being totally shunned before I even get a chance to say "hi".

I do attend a church....but it is a liberal one and it is dying out and only has a handful of very elderly members. I even entertained going to a more conservative (but full of families) church in hopes of finding some kind of female friendship, but I have not been able to bring myself to do that yet becuase of how my views are sooo vastly different from theirs. (from a Biblical standpoint and political standpoint)

I worry that I will go through my life w/out friendships. I'll be 36 in less than two weeks. My children will all be in school this fall. I'm planning on volunteering locally and hope I can make some friends that way.

I really feel the pain and lonliness right along with you. It has been so long for me, that I worry that I'm becoming socially unable to meet people. I am not a shy person, but am becoming that way just due to being burned and rejected so many times. Ok, I sound really lame.

:sadhug:

Michelle

how you doing today simplespirit?

I"m having the same problem. I take a long time to make friends and have recently moved. I think my trouble is compounded by the fact that the only ways I can think to meet other "like minded" parents is through things like LLL and my DD is too old for me to attend LLL. It's compounded by the fact that I had a great group of friends (that took me 6 years to build) in our old place. Sigh, I just keep missing them :(

I too have tried to make friends. there is one specific lady and her daughter that my DD & I have run into several times (at the library story times, at the grocery store, at the park). DD 7 her daughter are great together and love to play & play nicely to boot. Yet everytime I try to talk to this mom she just stares at me blankly or owrst, walks away! I mean I know I'm not conventional looking, & she may well be a a conservitive christian, (which I"m not) but I've never had problems being friends with people that have strong religious beliefs.

Ahh well, I've got one gal here that I *think* could be a good friend. I'm just scared to mess it up YK. So maybe I'm not doing enough to make it a friendship because I too don't want to get burned.

Chole

I get this, too, and I see LOTS of people some days. It's just that on a first or even second or third meeting, a new possible friend is more likely to see you as a bad investment. For example, my BEST friend is clearly a shopaholic. That is not at ALL a value I share. But, we've been friends for years and have lots of other things in common, so it seems worth it. OTOH, all of the ladies in the MOMS Club I once belonged to shopped at least as often as my dear friend, and I just decided I did not really want a NEW friend with this particular value conflict.

So, I met two different moms at two different parks today. Both of them are working moms, and I thought, gosh, you sure seem interesting, but our schedules would not really work, so I left the park without exchanging personal info. Also, one of them couldn't figure out where to look while I was nursing the bay. The other one... I don't know, I was probably wrong to not exchange info as her son was great, and she's a teacher so there would be summers...

Anyway, I just think it's harder to make friends the older we get and the more opinionated we get. Then, even when I do make friends, I am often not completely genuine with them for fear of scaring them away. I mean how many mothers in Fort Worth, Texas are going to be accepting of elimination communication and Waldorf and anti consumerism and socialism all from the same person. It's alot to swallow.

how you doing today simplespirit?

Hi Everyone...

I wasn't around this weekend due to work; I work every other weekend at our local hospital as a pca. I work 12 hour shifts, back to back and it wears me out!

I have been about the same- just lonely. I have SO appreciated the out pouring of love, suggestions and support here at amity. "Thank you" doesn't seem like enough.

When I am at work, I want to be home. I must work for our financial survival, it isn't even an option. I don't mind, I have a decent job, helping others. Then I think, "When you are home, you are lonely! What's the deal?"

But at work, especially when you must work, you have to be "on". At least I do. If the people at work really knew me, would they like me?

They like me, at face value. I am a very good worker. I am a good employee. I am nice, friendly, efficient, polite...and it's not an act. I am all of those things. But would they be open to my very liberal beleifs and my political views? My spiritual views? My parenting views?

I have cautiously tested the water and quickly came to the conclusion that I need to keep politely quiet and keep the peace. I know I can't be fired for my politics; but I sure can be made miserable (at work) for them!

So, I go on...smiling. It can't hurt to smile, right? I earn the money we need to survive in this world and continue to "keep the keys" here at home. I love some of the ideas all of you have shared. LLL is out, my youngest is nine :)
I do have a "new age" store about 15 miles north of here; once the kiddos are in school, I need to check it out. I really don't want to start the church thing- it's a huge history (I will post a saga-length story later) even UU. Nothing against UU, of course. But it's still church, praying, belief systems...

I also believe in the power of intention and creating reality. I can will this into my life if I choose. I can create this, believe this and the universe will respond. I need to have the incentive, drive and faith that I can do this.

Thank you so much Mamas. I am glad I started this thread...so many of us are going through this. We need each other...thanks again.

Just wanted to pipe up and say I KWYM. I'm kind of in the opposite situation by same lonely feelings. We've always been very involved with church things...our close friends have always been other people at church. Well now we live 45 minutes away from our church and we are new there since we moved and with our current tight budget plus gas prices we aren't getting there very often and rarely to social events. We just moved here and it's hard to get to know people when we go so little. Our denomination is sort of a sub culture and extended family so I really miss being around "our own", kwim? It's always made me less homesick but now with so little church contact plus my family being in another state I am doubly homesick. It's depressing. :( Luckily we will be ok in a couple weeks and can get more involved but at the moment it really stinks!!

UH...kwym? I am cluless to what "kwym" is! Sorry! Educate me!

I've been lonely too. The few "friends" that I've had over the last few years think I'm a freak at times. And they don't even know the whole me because I keep that back. I do let it be known that I cloth diaper and breastfed, but other than that, I don't open up much of my crunchy side.

I did however get onto a local yahoo group and I *think* I found someone. We haven't met yet, but she sounds like she's got the same ideas that we have on living simply. She's in the beginning stages of it too and finds that she laps when it comes to kids stuff (just like I do),etc, etc. I haven't called her yet, for the same reasons all of you have put down. But I think I will today, I've got to try something.

So my suggestion to this thread:
1. Find a yahoo group (or other group like msn or aol, I don't have them so that's why I suggested yahoo) that have likeminded values and post about yourself and try to be active and find someone.

2. If there isn't a yahoo group with likeminded people in your area, make one. Then post it on groups that are in your area, you just never know. Even if you only "post it" in your signature line.

3. Create an event in your area that will draw like minded people to you. (haven't done this personally but its worth a try). If you are into simplicity, then make a simplicty circle and post about it at health food stores, grocery stores, etc, you just never know. You could have the circle at a local park. Have it bring your own picnic style. Don't want to talk simplicity, do a talk on the advantages of cloth diapers and post at all the local health food stores, LLL meetings, ob/gyn offices, local midwives and doulas, etc. You never know who you will find.

Personally I'd love to have like minded people, but moreover, I'd rather have friends who don't think I'm a freak and will let me be "me" even if they personally don't agree with everything I do.

Anyway, I just think it's harder to make friends the older we get and the more opinionated we get. Then, even when I do make friends, I am often not completely genuine with them for fear of scaring them away. I mean how many mothers in Fort Worth, Texas are going to be accepting of elimination communication and Waldorf and anti consumerism and socialism all from the same person. It's alot to swallow.

I agree. I know I'm very opinionated and I'm sure this has made it hard for me to make friends. Its hard to open up completely when your views are not "mainstream".

You think Fort Worth is bad try the the oil capitol of the US, or better known as Houston, Texas (actually I'm in the burbs of Houston which is even worse). I'm finding it inceasingly hard not to express my opinions when I hear someone get a new truck just because they want a truck for example. Not that there are anything wrong with trucks but if you commute for 5 days a week for more than 30 minutes (probably below average commute time in the Houston area) then do you really need a gas guzzler truck. Especially if you don't do any truck activities. I mean its only to get you to and from work. I'd understand if it had anything to do with ones job, but trucks and SUV's are status symbols in this area. I know I can't say much because I have a minivan and they don't get great gas mileage but I know that I don't go very far in my minivan and when I do its got 4 people in it. Most people around here don't even carpool. We don't have decent public transportation, etc, etc. I really could go on and on. The truck thing just rubbed me wrong because my brother, my parents and one kinda friend all just got new trucks in the last 3 months and none of them needed them. Well maybe my brother more than anyone else, he moves so often that a truck would probably be helpful. And a lot of times its move at the last minute (he keeps getting kicked out by his girlfriend :rolleyes: ). Sorry I really didn't mean for this to turn into a rant.

UH...kwym? I am cluless to what "kwym" is! Sorry! Educate me!

kwym=know what you mean :happy:

****! I think you guys are my friends. I wish I could wave a wand....

Anyway, ****! You should all be happy and at the center of social circles, just b/c I know you...you are all kind and friendly, and I am happiest hanging out here.

Now, for the hunting of the snark ( I mean, friend). If you name a playgroup, and name a time and place, and tell a few people, they tell people, and even if they can't come, they'll tell people who can. It's weird. I was in one that started with three moms, and the fourth one showed up b/c she'd heard about it from a mother who had never, ever been to this playgroup. She just thought it sounded like it would fit her lonely friend. And that sucker grew to about 40+ mothers. I aged out of it- I couldn't keep track of two kids there, but that sucker is still going, I think. I know it went on for at least a year after I quit attending. One mother put it on an events calendar, and an automatic email, with the time, and place, and description of who was welcome, so everybody got reminded every single week. I don't know how she did that, I'm not techno, but she was one of the later joiners.

One thing I did was call up moms I'd read about, or heard from once, and invite them on the strength of who else would be there- they usually had someone they wanted to meet. They didn't really know or care about me, but they really wanted to meet X, Y, or Z, or they were friends who hadn't had time to visit for a while. It's a social climbing/hostess trick from Art Buchwald, but it totally worked. And I got to sit in on some great conversations. And then they invited more people. And, I am the least skilled, gifted, talented one there, so it was like being at the cool kids prom. I would have been afraid to go there, if I hadn't been in on starting it.

Can you try sideways things? Knitting groups? The one I found at the uptown yarn store...there were old women, medium aged women, and young women, and ALL of them were beautiful and unique and interesting. There were, like, six different knitting groups meeting there, and each one was completely different. I didn't like any of the others, and I tried. So, maybe sideways? Knitting, or beads, or math, or bookgroups, choirs, informal chamber music groups?

meetup.com?

What's a pca? Patient care technician? Can you head to nursing school? Nurses tend to be very opnionated as they age- they are the most independent women I know.

I know none of this really makes up much of what you haven't been told...I just want you to know, I know how you feel, and I hope you start meeting all the people IRL you need to meet, and be friends with.

Oh, hey- Houston- art car day, jeeves society ( wooster? Whatever...) sci fi fan clubs---surprisingly open to oddball moms.

Fort Worth---the modern art museum- I can't remember the name- good for playgroups, I seem to recall someone saying. Sort of selects out the anti- creative people. It has an outdoor garden. I haven't been, but I've heard (???) something mom- ish.

good luck,
ari, who hasn't seen a mom socially in over a month, maybe more, and is going a little nuts.

Hi Everyone...

I wasn't around this weekend due to work; I work every other weekend at our local hospital as a pca. I work 12 hour shifts, back to back and it wears me out!

I have been about the same- just lonely. I have SO appreciated the out pouring of love, suggestions and support here at amity. "Thank you" doesn't seem like enough.

When I am at work, I want to be home. I must work for our financial survival, it isn't even an option. I don't mind, I have a decent job, helping others. Then I think, "When you are home, you are lonely! What's the deal?"

But at work, especially when you must work, you have to be "on". At least I do. If the people at work really knew me, would they like me?

They like me, at face value. I am a very good worker. I am a good employee. I am nice, friendly, efficient, polite...and it's not an act. I am all of those things. But would they be open to my very liberal beleifs and my political views? My spiritual views? My parenting views?

I have cautiously tested the water and quickly came to the conclusion that I need to keep politely quiet and keep the peace. I know I can't be fired for my politics; but I sure can be made miserable (at work) for them!

So, I go on...smiling. It can't hurt to smile, right? I earn the money we need to survive in this world and continue to "keep the keys" here at home. I love some of the ideas all of you have shared. LLL is out, my youngest is nine :)
I do have a "new age" store about 15 miles north of here; once the kiddos are in school, I need to check it out. I really don't want to start the church thing- it's a huge history (I will post a saga-length story later) even UU. Nothing against UU, of course. But it's still church, praying, belief systems...

I also believe in the power of intention and creating reality. I can will this into my life if I choose. I can create this, believe this and the universe will respond. I need to have the incentive, drive and faith that I can do this.

Thank you so much Mamas. I am glad I started this thread...so many of us are going through this. We need each other...thanks again.


I was thinking about you. I totally understand what you mean when you said you tested the waters and realized that politically you needed to keep views to yourself. I am in the exact same situation here! Same with having children to old for LLL.

Too bad we are not closer to each other....I think we have some common qualities!

I have honestly been burned too many times as a adult woman by other women "friends"...I think that has caused myself to become very shy around others in public. Also, when I overhear a group of women talking I realize that I have nothing in common with what they are saying! (oftentimes complaining about husband or children)

I'm sad that so many of us are lonely. However I feel like less of a freak knowing there are others.

Simplespirit......feel free to drop me a PM and we can be online email pals if you want.

Michelle

I tried that one site....mom matching moms...or something like that. I registered back when we first moved here and put up a "blurb".

I did meet with one woman locally, but she acted like I had a huge bugger hanging out of my nose when I met her! (we met at a park) I sensed she did not like me for some reason and it was confirmed when she never responded to my emails after we met.

With us living in such a rural area, online groups usually don't work.

However, I'm going to update my dealie on that mom matching moms site and see what happens.

Michelle

I hear ya, I moved here a year ago and hadn't made any friends. I mean where the heck do you meet people when you don't work, not involved in clubs or go to school? I finally joined a couple local mommie groups on yahoo so hopefully I can make some friends on there. I'm also going to start going to the LLL meetings.

What an awesome thread. I am glad to know I am not the only one lonely for friendships. I alsways feel self concious about people coming to my place because it is small, and my kids share a room which is not a big deal for us, but other people may find it odd - I have a huge hangup about that. I also feel funny striking up friendships with married moms since I am single it seems funny not to have a DH around for the other mom's DH to hang with? Silly right? My two best friends who live out of town are married and stay at home and me being single does not matter a bit with them. My kids were out of town last week and thats when it really struck me how big of a need the friendships are for me - I do not want to spend my "empty nest" years without firends by my side.

You guys all have such great ideas about how to meet other moms - thank you!

I have recently noticed that i have always had a problem making friends. not meeting people, but actually being friends w/ them. like in school, i knew a lot of people, but didn't have a lot of friends. and i just realized it!! well when i was in hs i figured out that i don't like girls. i just can't be friends w/ girls. and now i know that came from being burned over and over again. i seem to attract liars. and i loathe liars! my SO is really my only friend. and he gets really mad at me about not having any friends. manly when he wants to go off w/ his friends w/o me.(i have other reasons for not wanting him to, like the fact they are all losers, drug atitcs, etc. all they do is bring him down) anyway....i work, but for family. my cousin is one of my co-workers, we are close, but we definatly have different views about **** near everything and frankly she gets on my nerves. then i have my best friend, we only see each other like every other week, so we don't get sick of each other, but we have different views on lots of stuff too. somehow we get past it, i think we usually just shy away from those topics. she gets mad at me lots of the time too, b/c i'm just not girly, i don't like doing girly stuff. thats just how i've always been. the majority of my close friends were guys, but after hs, and SO and i got serious, they all kinda drifted away too. and i know my SO probably doesn't appreciate me hanging out w/ a bunch of guys. he says he doesn't care what i do, and he completely trusts me, but i think deep down, he fears something might happen. i guess i like guys more b/c there isn't so much drama. except for their jealous girlfriends who think i'm trying to steal them away, i've always had problems there, and i don't know why. like if i wanted your man i could've had him years before you were in the picture. any way. i do have my big sis. i went to my 1st LLL meeting w/ her last week, and everyone there seemed really nice. my only problem is i think i don't want to be friends w/ girls, and i think that s why i can't get along w/ them. i just get along better w/ guys. i guess thats just who i am. looking back, thats always where you could find me, the girls would be inside gossiping or cooking or whatever, and i'd be out back drinking beer w/ the guys. sorry this was such a long rant, didn't mean for it to be. you guys just struck a chord in my brain. and so it's so scattered, i think thats from being pg.

...intentional communities.

Have any of you ever thought of how cool it would be to work/live/socialize with like-minded people?

I watched "30 Days" on the FX Network last week and I loved it. It was an episode filmed at the Dancing Rabbit Eco Village. I could so live that way.

Living with people who share and work towards the same values...would be so wonderful.

That would never work for me. I think I make my own problem. I don't like to be around people all the time. I like to be home w/ my man, and no one else. So I have created a monster, I know! I could not live in a commuity like that, i never liked even having a roommate. I just like my privacy.

How bizarre...

I went to an old aquaintence's house in this dream. I am not sure why. She was someone I knew from an artists' group I was once part of...anyway...

When I got there, she was letting her kids get in my bags and crawl all over me and was being really mean and rude to me...

It was the weirdest thing.

Hmmph!

Mama,
Where are you in Michigan? I know exactly how you feel. I have so been there. I have been fortunate enough to make a few friends in the past couple years IRL, but before that, for a long, long time, I was alone. I am thankful I had Amity's during that time!

PM if you want. I don't know if I've talked to you before about where you live in MI?

I know how you feel. My best friend, who is also my only friend, just moved two hours away. Where I live almost everything social seems to be associated with church, while DH and I are atheists. At least I have LLL, but my parenting philosophy is so far outside the mainstream (http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com), I constantly have to watch what I say.

Va,
I was just looking at the TKS website--is this the same as what Mango Mama discussed in her book?

I have heard of this before, and I am quite intrigued. I have to do some more looking. I think this approach may be just what is needed around here. It's made sense to me before; I have to keep thinking on it!
:)

I just wanted to chime in and say that your children are never too old to attend a LLL meeting. If you are a supporter of breastfeeding, you are always welcome!!! Your support to a new mom or knowledge of nursing really is an asset to the breastfeeding community, not only can you make a difference, you can make some friends! It is all about networking...maybe you'll only attend a few meetings, but find out about ap playgroups, extra meetings LLL has (some of ours are yoga instruction, tye dye, gentle discipline, etc.) Your btdt (been there done that) experience can really be insightful for other moms.

:) Good luck Mama, I hope you find some Mamas to hang with soon!

I know this is an old thread, but I just wanted to see how everyone was doing? Things have been a little less lonesome for me lately - I am trying to make more friends where I can. I actually joined a coed soccer team for Friday nights and have gotten involved with a local peace group. I am worried with the holidays coming, and the shortening days ahead that I will start to get depressed....what has everyone else been up to?

Hey Mamas...

I am still here, still not really active on "the buddy front" but there have been some changes.

I attended a gathering with a group of artist I was once really active with; my genre has changed a bit but art is art and I need to make myself be around people...

I am learning how to knit and re-teaching myself how to sew. New hobbies help activate my mind instead of using the few moments of quiet I may have during the day sulking about my social life.

I have started reading a book about creating our own destinies and believing in events that will come. I am going to "will" this into my life. I want like-minded friends. I want fun friends. This can happen. It willl happen.

I am taking each day as it comes. No, I am not a super-popular soccer mom :rolleyes: : I would actually hate that. But just one friend that could meet on the spur of the moment for coffee or to browse a bookshop would be awesome.