I need help, and I think the kids are ready for some organized responsibility. How do I get started, what is appropriate, how to motivate and compensate? Tips and tricks? oht

we don't do rewards per se - not allowance. We do chores because we're a family and everyone helps out.

Chelsey at 15
`cleans her room
`cleans the rats cage
`helps with her laundry. puts her clean laundry away
`does dishes
`does the hall bathroom tub
`cooks dinner on occasion

zoey at almost 5
`helps clean her room
`puts away clean laundry
`sets the table for dinner
`takes her own plate to the sink
`occasionally helps do dishes
`feeds the dogs
`helps clean up the playroom
`makes her bed
`dusts
`cleans mirrors/windows she can reach

Roman, almost 2
`puts his own dishes/silverware in the sink (plastic lol)
`helps clean up the playroom
`can help feed the dogs
`can help put away clean clothing
`helps wipe down/dust the tables in the living room

Skylar, who just turned 4 yesterday, is responsible for putting away his laundry (after I folded it and put it into piles for him), putting his dishes in either the sink or the dishwasher after he's done eating, making sure his room is clean daily (laundry where it belongs, toys away, no trash on the floor, etc.). He sometimes helps with the laundry by helping me switch it from the washer to dryer or taking it out of the dryer himself. That is fun for him and he sees it as a special treat.
Oh and he also helps put away groceries when I go shopping on sundays but that's fun for him too. :)
We give him our extra change at the end of the day if he was good and did his part around the house and he puts it in his bank. Every few months we trek out to our bank (like 45 min. away, near dh's work) and he gets to put it in the sorter and deposit everything.
We also give him things that are special for him, a trip to chuckie cheese, a favorite food, etc.

hope that helps.

much love
-Lindsey

We don't do organized chores and I'm really kinda opposed to rewards. There's a great book called "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn (I think?). Mothering Magazine has also done 3 articles on the problem with rewarding (overly praising, bribing, etc...) children. I think its orderable as a stand alone offprint from the magazine. These really got me thinking, I'm so glad I read them before my kids were much older. As a kid I wasn't comfortable with reward senarios and now I see why.

Generally I ask James for help. He is mostly glad to be of service, glad to feel like a contributing member of the family and independent. If he balks at the request, I never make an issue out of it. I offer to help him with the task, or think of ways to make it more fun (like turning some music on). My goal is to have a kid who contributes and takes responsibility naturally, as part of his self-image. Who knows how to break down tasks to smaller sizes or to make jobs fun. Who doesn't feel controlled but has a sense of self-esteem. The crucial thing for him is to keep his dignity. There's actually nothing around here that he doesn't help with (even supervised cutting with a knife). He always puts away a toy before taking one out and joins in to any cleaning going on. The idea of giving him personal ownership of certain tasks is a good one though -- I'll think about how we might incorporate that.

Good luck and have fun with this. It's so cool to see them growing up isn't it?

Astoria

I think for starting chores, it's ideal to just include them in the chores you will want them to do. Even 5 and 6 yos can be overwhelmed by needing to pick ALL the duplos, for example. My 5 yo has been doing chores for at least 2 years and still wants company when he has a "big" job, like picking up blocks.

My 3.5 and 5.5 yo kids make their beds, and I accept whatever that means to them :) They put away their folded clothes, though Phaedra often puts all of the clothes in one drawer. They feed the cat. They clean up toys with help a couple of times per day. That's pretty much it for required chores. Other things they come in and out of. They might dry dishes, move the laundry from washer to dryer to basket, help fold clothes, clean windows (they love this), they dust, they mop the porch (very fun), and I try to let them help with most anything I am doing.

We do not link work to money, because they seem utterly unable to comprehend money at this point. I'm sure we'll do allowances at some point.

We don't reward either, but Erik does do chores. We started as soon as he was capable of carrying his dishes to the sink, around 18 months. Right now, he has to:

clean his room and the playroom every night (with help, since Anders makes a lot of hte mess :) )
Put his underwear and socks away (the shirts and pants drawers are hard for him to open)
Take his dishes to the sink after dinner
Put away in the fridge any condiments we had out
He helps me wipe up any spill he makes
WHen I clean the sliding glass window, he helps (but I don't do it much ;) )
Put his clothes in the hamper

We don't have any pets, or he'd help with that too.

If they haven't been doing much, I'd start slowly, and help them with a lot of it, then just gradually make it part of the routine.

We don't give out rewards for helping with the chores. Most of the time, the girls want to help because they think it's fun. But they also know that when they don't help out, I don't have as much time to plan out fun activities, or set up arts and crafts or things like that.

The girls are both expected to pick up the things they get out. We do a few clean-ups a day, usually before lunch and bedtime. Some things they do leave out, like if they have set up a fairy house, or have things made with blocks for later use. So, putting away toys, books, puzzles and so on is their deal.

They both make their beds, put their dishes in the sink and used napkins in the hamper. They put their dirty clothes in the hamper and put the folded clothes into their drawers. Sometimes Nico helps to fold clothes and Kaya helps with napkins and washcloths. They both help with dusting and watering plants, as well as filling the cats food and water dishes. They take the compost out to the pit.

Nico is 7, and now she is able to do a "deep clean" of her room once a week, which means tidying and wiping the top of her dresser and shelves and also vacuuming it.

In the evening, they need to bring in their bikes and outdoor toys into the porch.

We do give weekly allowances basically to teach them about the value of a dollar. It's $1 per year. I divide it into thirds and they get 1/3 in cash and 2/3 go into ING accounts for long and short term savings. I match what they put into it every week.

Kalyn~ almost 6
makes her bed
picks up her toys
helps with Alex if I need it
puts her laundry away
folds socks
washes some dishes
sets table
dusts
washes windows

Saige~ 3
makes her bed
picks up her toys
puts her laundry away
washes some dishes
dusts
washes windows

Whitley (newly 4) helps with things around the house. She is getting to the age where she is actually helpful. We don't do rewards or allowances. We tell her that she is an important part of our family and that part of being a family means that you have "jobs" to do.

Here is a list of what she does on a regular basis:

Empties her bathroom trashcan every morning

Takes dishes to the sink and throws away trash after meals

Folds wash cloths and hand towels

Puts away dish cloths in kitchen drawer

Puts away her own socks and undies

Helps me clean up any spills she makes

Takes dirty laundry to the laundry room

Helps keep her playroom and bedroom clean (we're still working on this)

She also works side by side with me a good part of the day, helping to cook, wipe down counters, cabinets, baseboards, etc. She's at an age where she likes being helpful.

Thanks for the input. I think part of the reason I haven't initiated daily chores is because we are remodeling and I hardly know which way is up, much less being able to guide them, kwim? I think we'll do a sticker chart. I understand the bribery/reward thing but don't you guys think that being rewarded for good work is important? I know that dh expects to be compensated for his hard work. Is my logic faulty? I'll create a reward basket with things like "bake a cake" and "blow bubbles" that they can choose without seeing the slips of paper.

My chore list: make bed, tidy toys, put shoes into box by door, clear own dishes, put away books

Does this sound reasonable?

I understand that some people don't do rewards but I see it as dh and I have to go to work to make money. The harder we work, the more money we get. Skylar knows that if he's extra helpful then he gets some extra change. Very rarely do we let him spend his money on something but he enjoys going to the bank and depositing the money. Once in a while he will get a book that he really wants or something small that only costs a few dollars. He knows he has to help around the house even if he wasn't rewarded.
I think your sticker chart is a good idea. You could put some things like: choice of dinner/dessert, pick a playground, rent movie, etc. for them to pick.
I think your chores sound very reasonable. See how they do with those responsibilites and then you can modify it if needed.

much love
-Lindsey

I understand that some people don't do rewards but I see it as dh and I have to go to work to make money. The harder we work, the more money we get.
just to rebuttle this - yes, dh makes money at work...but he's not paid to take out the trash, clean up the back yard, do dishes etc. I make money for babysitting and selling silk scarves and playsilks , but not for doing the laundry or cleaning the toilets. Chelsey (my teen) earns money when she babysits outside the home, but not for cleaning her room or helping watch her siblings on occasion.
Work outside the home is different then work inside the home in our book. We help around the house cuz its our house.

anyway, your chores sound very reasonable to me :)

We just started chore charts for the kids. Kenna and Jake (8 and 6) have similar chores (about 5 each for now) and Josh just has a few to start with. The older kids have the opportunity to earn $3/wk - they get 10¢ for each chore completed each day. They will tithe 10%, save part and have part to do whatever they want with.

We have very simple chore charts for the kids. 3 and 5 year old:
Morning:
Clean up table and help put dishes away
Vacuum under table and push chairs in
Clean up living room and straighten pillows
Clean up hallway and put books on shelves
Get dressed/brush teeth
Clean up bathroom
Make beds
CLean up dirty clothes in rooms
Night:
Clean up table and help with dishes
Vaccuum under table
Clean living room
Clean hallway
Clean bedrooms
Feed fish

Other chores throughout the week are to help vacuum and help with laundry.

I started this about 2 months ago. The kids were fighting me when I asked for help. They have fun doing it too. The kids don't get allowance persay. I want them to know it is a family unit and we all must help out even if you don't get money. :) Sometimes if I want something special done I will pay them a quarter. Their dad flips a coin to see who gets their teeth brushed first (the kids get a kick out of this) at night and whoever 'wins' gets to keep the coin. We do have a reward chart though. WHoever voluteers to help with something without being asked gets a point. 10 points is a trip to the park, 15 points is a trip to the beach, 20 points is a trip of choice. So far we haven't made it past the park one though. They haven't gotten the concept of saving their points up...lol.

Thanks for the input. I think part of the reason I haven't initiated daily chores is because we are remodeling and I hardly know which way is up, much less being able to guide them, kwim? I think we'll do a sticker chart. I understand the bribery/reward thing but don't you guys think that being rewarded for good work is important? I know that dh expects to be compensated for his hard work. Is my logic faulty?

Well, at our house, the reward for helping with chores is that *I* have more time to do fun things for them like set up obstacle courses and art projects, play dates and so on. The reward for picking up art supplies, toys and puzzles is that the things are not lost or broken.

I don't get paid to do the laundry or cook meals, J doesn't get paid to fix the car or mow the lawn. Our reward, is to have time together to relax and hang out. I prefer to focus on the family rather than on $ or material posessions.

Well, at our house, the reward for helping with chores is that *I* have more time to do fun things for them like set up obstacle courses and art projects, play dates and so on. The reward for picking up art supplies, toys and puzzles is that the things are not lost or broken.

I don't get paid to do the laundry or cook meals, J doesn't get paid to fix the car or mow the lawn. Our reward, is to have time together to relax and hang out. I prefer to focus on the family rather than on $ or material posessions.


This makes sense. I'll have to think on it. Thanks to all who offered their opinions on it. I am coming up with my own list of natural rewards, such as unbroken toys, so that I can talk about them as we are getting into the swing of this. I know that offering money won't work with my kids. They definately don't get the concept. Occasionally they ask for something expensive and I say "we don't have money for that" and Winnie will grab her 5 pennies and say "I have money", lol. I've tried explaining that it's not enough but she doesn't really understand. I'd prefer to focus on time together as being the reward, thus the making muffins and such. I think we're on the same page, I'm just not typing my thoughts out well, lol.

How would you seperate the concept of chores that shouldn't require compensation from "work" that you get paid for though? It seems like it would be confusing for a child to seperate. How do I explain that some things you just DO, and other things you expect compensation for? Economics 101 for 4yo's, lol.

Totally just sharing some thoughts here. I don't have anything invested in this.

Alfie Kohn's book is fun reading. He actually suggests (with a lot of statistical backup) that incentive systems work pretty badly in the workplace too. Apparently when employees are given bonuses and incentive programs, they do work harder and meet goals, but after the incentive program ends they work less well and are less committed to the job and company than they were previously.

He argues that children actually become less motivated to do things when we use sticker charts and rewards. For example, children who are given some sort of reward for reading books, actually don't develop the same love of reading and willingness to do it on their own as children who aren't part of these programs. It sort of makes the chore really seem like a chore to them, something to please adults and not a natural outgrowth of their own desire to contribute or be grown up. It shortcircuts the natural role modelling kids do and turns it in to a power relationship. He claims that kids really do pick up on the feeling of being manipulated by gold stars and such, as do adults, and resist the inherent condecension and control.

In the workplace, other methods that make the employee feel loyal, well treated and part of a team seem to make them go above and beyond in their work, emotionally invested, whereas incentives leave them feeling like their regular pay is insufficient and they are being treated like cogs in a wheel, not like persons.

I know lots of families that use rewards and its just natural for them and I don't think that's necessarily bad. Just that this book actually gave me a lot to think about.

Astoria

In the workplace, other methods that make the employee feel loyal, well treated and part of a team seem to make them go above and beyond in their work, emotionally invested, whereas incentives leave them feeling like their regular pay is insufficient and they are being treated like cogs in a wheel, not like persons.


What other methods though? I'm thinking out loud here. Does showing appreciation for a job well done, in the form of a treat, constitute an incentive, or just being well treated?

Wow, this has turned into quite a discussion, lol.

Now that I'm back to my normal self :) I've been taking more time to teach Mason stuff.

He's learning to make his bed. Right now he only has that quilt on it. I talk him through it while we do it together. We're about to the point where I'm going to start saying, "go start making your bed and I'll be in there in a few minutes to help if you need it.".

When I'm emptying the dishwasher and he's nearby I'll have him sort silverware. If he's around when I'm loading I'll pass stuff to him and tell him where it goes in the dishwasher.

When I fold laundry he folds washcloths and kitchen towels.

When groceries are being put away he takes bathroom stuff to the bathroom (tp, shampoo, etc) and puts cans away.

He is in charge of keeping his room clean. If it's almost clean I send him in to pick up before bed. If it's moderately messy I'll go in and talk him through it. If it's overwhelming I help while talking him through it.

He likes opening up new trash bags for the trash can. lol.

He'll feed and water the dog if asked.

He *barely* understands the concept of "getting paid". Honestly, if it weren't for Isabelle occasionally asking for paying jobs (things that are above and beyond everyday responsibilities or things that are really my job and she's doing a me a service by doing them for me) I wouldn't mess with it with Mason at 4. I started doing paying jobs with Isabelle when she was around 7. Old enough to actually do a job worth paying for and old enough to count and begin to learn managing money.

When Mason asks for a job to get paid I'll offer a job like wiping the steps or bathroom sink and floor or wiping refrigerator shelves. I pay him an assortment of change and he thinks he's rich. ;) He always loses his money so I'm probably paying him with the same change over and over again lol!