Veronica didn't take lightly to becoming a big sister and losing her only child status. She never really went after Vivian but there were times when I wondered if she was going to hurt her seriously.

Things died down and Veronica stopped pinching here and there or poking her sister (she always was disciplined and I increased my mommy-Veronica time.)

Well now Viv is 4 months old and the aggressive behavior is at an all-time high. Veronica gets kind of out of control...she will grab the baby, pull her arms, hands, feet, slap her in the head...it's incredible. I am usually holding the baby at the time and have to wrestle her grip off her sister.

I'm going out of my mind here. She's such a sweet and tender child but every once in awhile she trips up and has at her sister. She will be three in early August. She communicates well and knows she's not to hurt her sister. (We FINALLY got through to her not to pull on the cat's tail.)

What do I do? I'm sincerely at a loss.

Oh Amy~have things gotten any better?

I don't know what to say...would you consider a really good homeopath? Kids really respond well to homeopathy~and it wounds like Veronica is having such a tough time...

In any case-I hope things are better-let us know how you are doing and maybe someone can help you.

Are there any other behavioral, digestive or sleep issues? Just thinking food intolerance as it is such a huge part of my life.

Been doing some thinking lately and I think that I've come to some epiphany that might fit here. But, I'd like the gentle guidance mamas to let me know if this still constitutes gentle guidance.

I think that we sometimes think that gentle guidance means that our discipline will not make our child upset or cry. Consequences - loving, but firm consequences - are important.

My little girlie hasn't been aggressive, but she has challenged every house rule with the exception of hitting. What I realized I was doing was trying to reason or coddle her or try to discipline her such that she wouldn't be unhappy. Doesn't work.

I do not spank - not now, not ever.

But, I do give consequences. Let me give an easy example: Lo loves to dawdle. Really loves it. So, I tell her that she needs to get in her carseat. If she is in the carseat before I have finished buckling Jonathan and is there ready to be buckled when I come around to her, we get to listen to her music while we are driving. If she isn't, we get to listen to mine. When we listen to mine, she can be really upset and cry and fuss and whine. I then lovingly empathize with her feelings (e.g., "I know that you are upset that we don't get to listen to your music; I would be sad too."), then I calmly tell her that it is okay for her to be upset and that it will help remind her next time that she needs to get in her carseat. Make sense?

With aggressive behavior, we have a time out consequence. Aggressive behavior is not okay (duh!) in our house. If she hits, she gets a time out. But, I never show that I'm mad with my behavior, just through my words: "you chose to hit, you have to sit in the time out chair." If she gets out, "you chose to get out, your time out will start all over again." If she yells and screams "it's okay if you chose to yell and scream while in time out, but time out does not start until you are quiet." I'm calm through all of this as if it is inconsequential to me if she choses behavior that leads to consequences she does not like.

I also will tell her - again, calmly - if her behavior is disappointing to me. "I don't like the way that you are chosing to act right now. You are my sweet girl and I don't like it when you tell me to 'go away'". She does not like this because she does not like disappointing me.

I'm moving away from a child centered home to a child inclusive home. She is not my boss and sometimes I think that in the desire to parent gently, we sometimes allow them to be the boss and tiptoe around them so that we can manipulate (for lack of a better word) them into the desired behavior. I think it is okay to have consequences that upset them if it is done through reasonable, consistent rules and administered with love.

I have been reading and rereading Alfie Kohn. I am having my own epiphanies with Unconditional Parenting. I have seen many mothers who practice the ideas of no punishment, no rewards, no praise but never found anyone to explain it to me well enough to understand how to make it work for my family. But, since reading Unconditional Parenting and implementing no punishment, no reward, no praise in our household, things are so much better. I am not fighting the girls all the time. They are working together. We are more respectful of each other. We compromise better. it is just amazing. After using for years what I thought was successful gentle discipline, I found that non-punitive discipline to be much more effective. We have more peace. We want to be together more. They are not wanting to head off to Nana's or a friend's house. TV is more limited because we talk more and I am not needing away from them as much. I saw it working for so many for a while and could not wrap my mind around how it could work. If you do not punish, whether gentle or physically, how can a household run. It runs on unconditional love and respect. The longer we do this, the more my girls understand that I love and trust them and I am not "after" them, looking only for the bad. I look first for the good in what they are doing.

It is as hard for me to explain as it was for those around me for so long. Unconditional Parenting is a must have book. i have seen many attempt TCS with dismal results. This is different, completely.

We have decided that perhaps Veronica is suffering from lack of sleep. At 2.5 she stopped napping and yet she was only getting about 7-8 hours of sleep a night.

We are now focusing on a routine bedtime and are monitoring her snoring and nightmares.

I'm hopeful that we'll find a happy medium. She's now taking in about 10 hours of sleep a night.

Her aggressive behavior is also tied into our potty learning. But that is a whole other bag of worms.