Looking for insight/suggestions w/high need 9 yr old

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I'm opening this up to everyone so I can gain a better perspective and perhaps some concrete suggestions which I could put into action.

My oldest ds has always been super 'high need' - from the time he was in utero until today. When I was pregnant with him people used to say to me:'wow! I just saw your baby kick you from across the room, are you okay?' I was bruised for a year after I had him. He used to scream and scream when he was an infant and I had no idea how to console him. I nursed on demand, held him all the time, wore him, slept with him, etc. Today, he is 9 years old and still so difficult. For years, people kept telling me that 'it was just a stage' and he'd outgrow the behaviour; however, obviously there is no stage and the behaviour is unique to his personality. He is having a very difficult time in school because he does not pay attention and works extremely slowly. At home he complains so much that he runs out of time to get his schoolwork done, and even when he does it, he doesn't bother to turn it in. It's not a matter of brains, because he is quite bright - he catches on to difficult concepts right away and thinks very deeply and philosophically. I even had him tested; they told me that he has difficulty seeing the bigger picture and has trouble with organization, but that he's not ADD. He does have some enviromental allergies and takes allergy medication. I think he may have some food allergies as well, but all of his skin tests showed up negative - even though he has some allergic behaviour following eating certain things - I'm leaning towards dairy (which would not be surprising because his two younger brothers are now dairy free). He has major temper tantrums still where he just throws himself down on the floor and screams (neither brother does that - and the younger one is 3 1/2). He has a lot of anger and comes down very hard on himself. On the other hand, he can be so sweet and loving - especially with his youngest brother. He carries on adult conversation and can be quite helpful. He frequently gets compliments because of his ability to converse with adults. He is also on the shy side.

I'm thinking that he needs more mommy time, but it's so difficult to carve out. tonight I sat at his side and rubbed his back until he was almost asleep. He held my hand and didn't want me to leave.

This is going to only get harder as I am expecting twins and my time is going to be further divided.

Suggestions? Insights?
TIA

I hope someone wiser than I has already replied. My only thought is that 9 is a cusp time when they are shedding all that's left of little childhood. That does not help much in a big picture way, but may help explain current volatility.

I have a kid like that. She is now almost 15. It has not gotten any better over the years. She has allergies, no learning disabilities, is very bright, and yes - very difficult. What I have done is spent time doing activites with her out of the home - i.e. swimming lessons for both of us in the same class, Guiding (where she was a jr leader and I a leader)...I have found a deeper appreciation of her as a person - not as "my child" - but as an individual. Normal parenting does not apply to her. It is all about stepping back, watching her grow, letting her fall, and only helping if she asks. Having normal conversations with her can't happen. Spending time alone with her is a recipe for disaster. I encourage her to participate in whatever interests her (sports, community events, friends) - keeping her busy, with what she asks to do, is where it's at. In the meantime, I try to leave her alone. She's been screaming since she was born, and is still screaming today. I think she will make a very incredible, powerful adult. My goal is to still have a relationship when she is one. Parenting her is not about teaching her - it is about staying out of her way and hoping I can influence her by example. She is a good kid, with good friends, and good grades. I think she was born as an adult in a kid's body and has been screaming in frusturation as a result. I have had to distance myself from her emotionally - not love her less - but not let her affect my world they way she would like to - because she prefers absolute dictatorship. You may think I am speaking harshly, but I am not. I love her with all my might. I am merely stating our reality.

So, I don't think you having twins will affect the situation. Your son, as you say, is high needs - no matter what course your life takes. I think your son may need something very challenging to keep him distracted. And it has to be something he really wants to do..and then let him do it. One thing I had to learn with my dd is that I cannot "fix" her...I cannot give her all my time...I cannot give her the world..and even if I could, it still wouldn't "fix" her because she is not broken. She is different.

Have you investigated food intolerances? Beth is a different child when I keep her on a strict diet with no food coloring, no gluten and no dairy. Samantha was like you described in utero and very early on but she has been gluten and dairy free so long, I am sure she is very different from what she could have been.

I'm 'trying' to get him off of dairy, but he is fighting me tooth and nail about it. He fixes his own breakfast every day and uses milk. I've been suggesting that he try switching to rice milk, but he says it's a no go.

We try to stay away from food colorings...and artificial flavors. Dh is not fully supportive in this - he thinks that I'm nuts and that it's due to Flamboozle (part may be the education which I've gotten from her, but if you learn something that will be an improvement for you, why would you care where it came from?).

I'm really at my end with him. Dh is afraid of having more kids because according to him: we can't manage the ones we have. But really, it's just the oldest who is so difficult. Every day is so stressful because I'm wondering what is he going to do next. Yesterday, he threw a major fit and threw a shoe - it broke the glass from a picture frame.

Get the dairy out of the house completely. Buy the rice milk or other milk. My oldest finally tried Almond Breeze on cereal and says it tastes just like cows milk. We keep a little cheese for DH's grits. Other than that, we have NO dairy in the house. The more he fights you on it, the more likely it is the problem. What about making a big batch of pancakes to be popped in the toaster. There are some very nutritious recipes for pancakes that taste great. With 100% maple syrup, you avoid the sugar spikes of refined sugars and many chemicals.

Also, in that morning cereal is probably a lot of wheat or corn or soy, all common allergens associated with behavioral problems. But, I would just try the dairy first. Just don't buy it. Beth ate cereal dry for two years until she decided to try the Almond Breeze. To make a morning meal more nutritious, she would cook an egg. At nine, he can definately do that. Beth has been since 6. Sam is learning at 5. Beth or I have to set the stove eye for her.

I guess I'll tell Dh not to buy more milk. We have a little cheese left, but Akiva already doesn't care for it. I'd be thrilled if he would eat eggs, but he doesn't care for them. I do make non-dairy whole wheat pancakes with a little cinnamon - the kids love the cinnamon. I only buy 100% maple syrup. I think I just need to make huge batches of it - they eat them so fast. The other day I doubled my recipe with the intent of having pancakes left over, and Dh came along and ate them all! (He being the one who is supposed to be on a low carb diet).

I try not to buy the junky cereals, but when dh goes shopping -frequently that's what comes home. Right now he brought home Honey Nut Cheerios and Kellog's something or other that sounds like it should be good for you but has 20 gms of sugar! I like to get Cascadian Farms, Kashi, etc...