I will preface with I am very much against spanking. I have ended friendship for it. Well, dh humors me. He has swatted the girls a couple of times and seen my wrath. But, his best friend and new wife spank, often and for the littlest things, her little girl. She is a month younger than Samantha.

Ok, here is the deal. I work full-time. The girls are in "daycare" this summer between the school years. It is about $150 a week. Plus, we did not get full-scholarships this year to their school so I am pay them (already for next school year), $500 a month. Basically, for the next 3 months, more than 1/2 my pay (a lot more than 1/2) will be going to schools.

DH's best friend's wife wants to keep my girls free of charge. Mainly, she wants a playmate for her daughter. Beth is not fond of her daughter and I am not happy with her treatment of her daughter. Not to mention the fact I am not sure they would not spank my girls, no matter my feelings. DH knows my feelings but I am sure if asked he would tell them "Do what needs to be done." Their view of what needs to be done and my view are VERY different.

I can't even believe I am considering this at ALL. I really do feel like a hypocrit. But, Money is a huge issue here. But, the more I type the more I talk myself out of even considering this. Plus, they would be out in the country by our home, not near me. And they have smelling yucky chemical laden chicken houses.

Ok, I think I have talked myself out of it. Any other ideas on care for the girls that does not break the bank. $150 a week is already the cheapest "center" care I can find without compromising my value. I actually like this place a lot.

It sounds like you already made your decision.:)

I realize money is tight, but I would rather pay someone to watch my kids and know that they will be safe!

Huge hugs for you! Our friend is the director of a childcare center and it's almost $200 per child. Can you find an in home daycare through the state? I know in CT they are supposed to be licensed by the state (it obviously doesn't always happen). My Nana watches children, though they are all our relatives, but maybe you can find a nice Nana for the summer? Or what about a teen through the local school or church if you are a member of one. Or a teen relative to visit for the summer (we are doing this so i can get my business up and running again but she's free just so she can get away from her parents). Sorry I'm not much help!

Wow. That's really a "between a rock and a hard place" situation. I can totally understand the lure of "free" childcare. Personally though, I wouldn't take it, even though it's "free." I put free in quotes because a situation like that is not "free." The cost to you in worry, the cost to your girls in being in an environment not based on loving, logical, gentle discipline makes this a more expensive option than what you're paying now, IMO.

I would take steps to help that lady grow as a parent, maybe get her a copy of the "Easy to love, difficult to discipline" book and say something like "This book really helped me as a parent. You seem like such a caring mama, you must want to grow and learn as much as you can, so I thought I'd pass it on to you." Then, maybe, she'll read it and become a little bit closer to your value system so that you can consider her as an option in the future.

How well do you know her? Can you just tell her flat out why you don't want to accept her kind offer? Can you ask if you guys can work together to meet a happy medium on the discipline issue? Personally, I do not want my kids to even see other kids get spanked. DD saw her cousin get smacked by his grandmother once, (the grandmother from the other side of the family, not thier mutual grandma, did I make sense?) and it was an issue with her for a whole week afterwards. "Will I get hit mommy? Will you spank me mommy?" and "You need to spank Rowan mommy." I just about broke my heart hearing those questions.

Having been a single full time mom/student for much of my oldest ds's life, I can certainly relate. Care for my child took the lion share of my income.

Through trial and error (had some terrible experiences that I do not care to relive) figured out that whatever I had to do to get my child good care was worth it. I used student loans, credit cards, whatever in order to make it happen.

Okay, since you asked for advice, I'll give you mine. I would not put my child in a situation where they are even in possible danger. To me, that is what I call the possibility of someone hitting my child. Even if you believed in spanking (and good for you that you don't), I don't believe that anyone else should be administering that type of discipline. Not the school, not a daycare, no one.

Your daughter probably has pretty good instincts, too, and if she doesn't like the little girl, that's a start on the wrong foot. And, this woman is looking for a playmate for her daughter. What happens when she realizes it was more than she bargained for and it's more work that just a "playdate"? I guess you'd end up back at square one.

If you have made up your mind to be a WOHM, it is worth the investment to find the safest, most loving place for your child where you can do your work and not wonder if your child is being abused.

As an aside, and not to criticize your choice to be a WOHM, I worked full time until my dd was 5. I missed her terribly while I was at work and my only comfort was that she was with family until she was 4 and went to the Montessori a couple of times a week.

As a WAHM/WOHM I know the struggles of trying to find appropriate child care. We have paid anywhere from $800-$1200 month for childcare and/or preschool for the past 3 1/2 years, and I know that I would be sorely tempted to take a childcare arrangement that would save me that amount per month.

However, as we've almost finished our childcare arrangements for the summer once our son is out of Montessori, it's really clear to me that poor childcare is SO not worth it. When we had our son in the supposedly "best" childcare center in town, he developed several problems with his self esteem and social interactions that we are still trying to overcome now. A placement that is not good for a child can not only be expensive in terms of the effects on your child, but also if that placement requires you to spend your time and money seeking professional intervention. I cannot possibly see how this "free" babysitting could be positive for your girls -- you said that your DD does not care for this other child, and being with her all day will most likely make this dislike more intense. In addition, even if your children will not be spanked, they will certainly observe spanking, and that will scare them. And if your children are spanked, I can't imagine how they will be able to process that their parents send them off all day, every day, to be frightened and hurt by someone else.

Also, I've learned over time that "free" offers from other people may indeed have a cost to them. You will really "owe" this person if you accept her offer and do you really want to have that dynamic with someone that your children don't even like? What will you do if she asks for favors in return, such as keeping her daughter in the evenings or the weekends. You should carefully explore her expectations of this arrangement, because it is often true that even if people say "no strings attached", those strings will present themselves shortly thereafter.

We have decided that our best investment has to be our child. There is no better use for your money than providing an appropriate and healthy care placement for your children.

Karla

don't do it.

it sounds like you have already made up your mind.

your girls' hapiness, safety, and your peace of mind are worth cutting corners in other areas.

ugh, and they are spanking an 8 yo? what on earth for? i know there are people who spank their little kids because they think they are too young to understand or whatever, but an 8 yo? i just don't even begin to get that.

No, the little girl is nearly 5 years old. She is a month younger than Sam. Did I say Beth? I may have.

Unfortunately, I have no say in whether I WOH or SAH. Our debt load does not allow me that luxury anymore. We ran up over $20,000 in debt the 5 years I was home with the girls just making ends meet. I returned to work 2 years ago to get this paid off. We are getting it down. It is under $17,000 now. With the death of my inlaws, we will have it lower soon. But, it may be a long time before we have the choice of my staying home again.

I have made my decision. Unfortunately, I do not have the relationship with this mom to tell her truthfully the basis of my decision. But, she knows my strong stance on spanking. I have made that abundantly clear in the past. I think she choses to ignore it. I think she was a non-spanker prior to hooking up with DH's best friend. But, she was also a non-discipliner. So, her child was wild and ill-mannered, etc. She is happy now to have someone who can control her daughter. It is a sad situation. I hate the word control.

I think you made your decision already :) . Even if they agreed to not spank your children, the home doesn't sound like a pleasant place for your children to be. I mean if a woman dislikes her own child, I can't imagine her enjoying someone elses. I'd rather pay to have my kids well cared for than risk them being hurt emotionally or physically.

You might be able to hire someone to come to your home to watch. Put an ad up at local colleges. Childhood education students who are off for hte summer or who are taking classes here and there might be interested in making some summer $$.

I have a home daycare and don't charge as much as the centers in the area. This is another option. Before choosing home care make sure they are registered or licensed with DSS (or your child services that's there). Ask for a contract with closed dates, vacation time etc. I have all of mine layed out for the parents, they sign the contract and all is well. We have no miscommunication at all.

I wish you the best of luck in finding the best care for your kids!