ds is 27, almost 28 months. he is jsut coming into his two-ishness and we are adjusting as a family.

the problem arises when he gets wound up and distraction, options, and time outs don't work. when he gets like this he will hit/throw things at you/pull on the dogs tail/etc. he gets one warning and then it's time out. when he goes in time out he hates it and bawls the whole time and then the second he gets out again he is immeadiatly back to the same behavior. and really, if the first three time outs in ten minutes arent' working..are anymore? no...we also have no cool down room for him to go to. besides i am not sure how he would handle being locked in the bedroom to "cool down" he is still very attatched to me and i don't think he is ready for that developmentally. i am pretty sure that would freak him the heck out!

oh also adding that we always talk about the why he can't do something and what he should do instead.


ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

i realise that this is a power struggle and he is probably making a game out of the time out itself but what do i do?

i have never raised a toddler before and i confess i am at a loss. i obviously can't tie him down until he turns 22 so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

we don't use timeouts. We use "the comfort corner".
Instead of the punitive 'you're in time out', its the comforting 'lets go sit, bring it down a notch and start again'

IN the comfort corner is a beanbag, pillow, some stuffed puppets, a photoalbum of the kids as babies and a childrens prayer book. Usually i'll go in the comfort corner with them, we calm down, read , snuggle. Then i'll say 'ok, are we ready to go back out and behave nicely" and if i get a nod or a "yes" (depending on which child i'm with), we'll go out and talk about why we needed to go into the comfort corner.
Roman is 22 months and on occasion if I tell him something he's doing is "not ok" he'll just walk into the comfort corner himself and look at a book for a few minutes. Zoey, at 4 1/2 will also go in by herself and tell me "i need a minute. I'm really mad /sad/ upset/not happy right now".
One day we all sat in there. Me, Roman, Zoey and the boy i sit (he's 3) cuz everyone had been snapping at each other and zoey suggested we all need to comfort each other instead of yelling at each other. So we ate snack in there and talked about why everyone was in such a bad place and how we could all share and be nicer to each other.

anyway. its working for us. Sometimes it means I have to stop what i'm doing, check my own anger and go sit with one of them and hug and reconnect and then calmly discuss the "not ok behavior". So its really much harder work t hen sending a child to time out.

I'm following alot of the principals of grace based discipline thru http://www.aolff.org
Its Christian based but alot of folks I know who aren't Christian are still following alot of her work. Her articles on why no timeouts, anti-spanking etc and the concepts of grace based discipline are really cool. And Crystal is just a smart lady.

Anyway, the same thing doesn't work for everyone, but it might be worth a shot to read what she has to say?

Good luck and hugs mama.

*editing to add the link to her article on why she believes timeouts are ineffective
http://www.aolff.org/whynotto.htm

At what times is he getting wound up. At that age, I found Samantha got going when tired, hungry or both. It helped tremendously to keep meals regular and filling and to keep naptimes consistent, same with bedtimes. Also, it helped to have plenty of outside time, just run around time.

Also, when he gets going, what about a bath with some lavender or chamonile? Will he calm down to sit and read. I do not think punitive discipline is effective, especially when they are "going" like you say. Their bodies are moving faster than their brains and no matter what they know they can't do, that information is not getting to their bodies fast enough. I would check out any book by Barbara Coloroso and Nancy Samalin (several are at bookcloseouts.com for cheap, cheap cheap), Mary Kurchinka has some good books. Linda Budd's Active Alert Child is good too.

imo, time outs are a joke. never worked for any of mine. with lan, there's almost always something going on emotionally or physically causing the behavior-usually something i can later blame myself for, lol

recently, his cursing was our biggest problem with him, until i threw my hands up and said "kewl, let's curse like sailors!"...he cursed for 8 days and hasn't cursed for 5. musta worked.

hth

I agree with barb, we use timeouts as a way to calm down and sort ourselves out rather than a punishment -- i.e. it is perfectly ok if you are sent to your room and you decide to read a book or draw a picture. If you come out of your room and wreak havoc again then the calming down didn't work so I might go with you and read instead. I prefer time outs as a calm down tool because I have one kid with poor impulse control who needs to continually work on self calming techniques as a life skill.

I admit I do sometimes loose my temper and yell "go to your room", but my ideal when I am in control is to say "this isn't working, you need to sort yourself out"

Selissa, it's a tough situation and one that really shows how parenting is a growing stage for all of us - parents and children!

I think honesty is key - acknowledge when you are getting mad and talk about how you are feeling. Take a time out for yourself and show your son how to put his hand on his tummy to feel the deep breaths - talk about how taking deep breaths helps you feel more in control. I think anger management or rather how to handle all emotions is one of the biggest lessons we teach our children through adulthood.

When all else fails I'll take Matthew into my lap and arms and just hold him till he calms down. This always means that he will rage and trash first, then scream, then want to cuddle and be sweet as can be when the storm is over. I always make sure to tell him I love him and I am holding him to keep him safe - my job is to keep him safe - and that he was not behaving in safe ways. Try not to judge.

Emotional release seems to be key. Sometimes I can 'imagine' or 'wish' him into laughter (Imagine if we could eat all the ice cream in the world and we'd turn into big ice cream cones - or I WISH we could all throw balls in the house whenever we want and no one would get hurt) - sometimes I get down on the floor and even below his eye level so he is the big guy and engage in a tickle fight - sometimes we run as fast as we can through the house or the backyard - whatever will get a safe release of energy and emotion.

Also, we've found that always giving Matthew a choice - do you want to brush your teeth now or in five minutes - seems to diffuse alot of tension. That way he rarely is put in the position of feeling completely powerless and rarely has to say no. ANd we try to save no only for danger situations - NO don't grab that knife - rather than no, you can't have a cookie.

hth, Cathy