My husband and I want to eventually adopt (hopefully within the next 3 years). So I'd really like to start my research now, but I don't even know where to start.

We live in the Houston, Texas area (we will be moving to Dayton, TX soon). We are working on paying off bills so that we can afford adoption, that's why it will be about 3 years away. Ideally we would like to adopt a child under 3. I think dh wants a newborn, but lets face it, those lines are probably mega long.

I know I'll have lots of questions for all of you that have gone through this already. I hope now ya'll can point me in the right direction.

First of all, you need to decide what "type" of child you are open to. That sounds awful, but it is true. Do you want a domestic adoption or international? Are you only open to infants? Only caucasian? HIspanic, black, biracial? Older children, sibling groups? Special medical needs including drug exposure, etc.? Once you have that narrowed down, it will be easier to decide what route to take. You also need to decide what is in your budget. Adoption of a white infant usually "costs" almost $30,000. And many international adoptions approach that number as well. There is a $10,000 tax credit now that really helps out with cost, but you have to have the money up front and you wait on the tax credit.


What is your religious affiliation, if any? If you happen to be Christian, I know of a wonderful agency I could refer you to. They do infant adoptions and occasionally have older children. They are wonderful to their birthmothers too and support them whether they decide to place their child or parent them themselves. :happy: That is something that is very important to me - how the birthmother (and birthfather) are treated.

Lassie,

I am a Christian and would love the name of the agency you are referring to. We are seriously considering beginning the adoption process within the next year. TIA!

I know it makes a difference but honestly I don't know what kind of child I'd be open to adopt. I have to way the good with the bad, my family and dh's family can be very racist with comments and I'd hate for them to treat my adopted child differently than my biological children because of skin color. So Dh and I have to do some real soul searching before we make our minds on that aspect. We have talked about international adoption from China or India or something like that. So I know we are pretty open. It really is the family that I'd have to worry about.

I know dh does not want a child that has been exposed to drugs or that is a high needs child. Which is one of the reason's we automatically thought about international adoption. I don't think he's close minded to all special needs children, it would just depend on the special need, KWIM.

We both would prefer a child that is under 2, if at all possible. I wouldn't be opposed to siblings, but I think dh only wants one more child so, we need to do some more discussion here. I know that there are alot of needy children out there, but I have to be honest with myself, we would prefer a baby or toddler.

We are nonpracticing christians. We don't go to church. We do however talk about God and the bible quite often. We don't like religions, but we love christianity. Dh and I both had religion shoved down our throats growing up. So its taking a bit for us to get past that. We honestly just need to find a good church, but its been hard for us.

I understand about family and race. Honestly we had some issues there too and our beautiful AA baby girl is changing hearts left and right. We live in a very white area and I was worried about that but we have not had one negative experience. I cannot go grocery shopping without at *least* five people stopping me to comment on how precious our daughter is. I don't say that to brag, just to say that it was a far cry from what we were expecting in the beginning. Also, I have had to cut ties with one family member who has a closed and hardened heart. That hurt me greatly in the beginning but I am totally at peace with that now. I honestly worried that people would prefer my bio. dd (almost 4) over our new baby but I've had to remind people she is there "Yes and this is the big sister!" ;) Not trying to coerce you at all, but just wanted to encourage you to think outside of the box and stretch yourself to consider it. I honestly don't think everyone is called to the same thing (we are not feeling called to extreme special needs while I have friends who want special needs children, but only white or asian or whatever). I found *for us* that we wanted to adopt a child that everybody wasn't standing in line for. And let me tell you, they are missing out!!! :D And one more thing, the family member that I am cut off from, was adamant against ANY other race, not only African-American. So we'd be in the same boat with an Asian daughter, or Hispanic, etc. He is only hurting himself.

Jumping off my soapbox...

I am going to PM you the link of the agency I was talking about before. They provide domestic infant adoptions, any race, and also occasionally have older children for adoption. I highly recommend them. Another great thing about them is that they charge the same rate for ANY child, which I totally respect and appreciate. That is hard to come by these days........

There are others on these boards that have adopted overseas. I do not have the slightest clue about how to begin that process, so I can't help you there. I would encourage you to maybe get ahold of your state DHS/CPS and talk to them about adopting, as well as try to find a local support group. Ours has been invaluable to us. :) There are lots of different adoptions boards/yahoo groups out there as well!

If you have any specific questions, please don't hesitate to ask more. PM me or post here as others probably have the same questions.

I understand about church. *totally*

I would love to have that link as well.

I'm not sure where parenting is going to lead but I would like to have all the information about adoption that I can before makeing any decision.

Thank you

Chole

Let me ditto everything lassie says about race and adoption. You do really need to make sure you are ready to become a multiracial family before you adopt a black child into a white family. Your whole life changes in so many ways. That said, for anyone interested in a newborn (3 days old) African American baby, placed within about 12-15 months from your application date (they use a waiting list, not a book where you wait and wait, hoping to be matched), for about the cost of the tax credit (and trust me, when your child is in your arms, cost will no longer matter), let me highly recommend Adoption-Link in Oak Park, Illinois. (adoptionlinkillinois.com)

I have found them to be highly ethical, particularly toward babies and birth parents, but also in their interaction with parents who might otherwise have a difficult time adopting. I cannot speak highly enough of them. The reason the child is placed with you at three days is because the birth mother cannot sign off her parental rights until 72 hours after birth. In this way, you are largely protected from a "failed" adoption. Also, you are told, when you are first called with a possible match, about any conditions (drug or alcohol use, parents' health) so that you can make the choice about whether this is the right match for you.

Anyways, there's my addition. And, hey, lassie, sounds like things are gong great for you--I'm so glad! What a miracle babies are.

Hana

Thank you for all the information, Hana and Lassie!

What types of things is the agency looking for during a homestudy? I mean, I'm assuming they want proof of a safe, clean home, but beyond those obvious things..is there anything else?

What about income? How do they assess that?

Thanks so much

Choleblack - I've recently found out the agency I was mentioning before is now only accepting applications for minority babies. If still interested, let me know!

Hana - we are doing great! Melody is such a wonderful baby. And I've grown to love Whitley even more in her new "sister role" too! :) How are you guys! BTW, you ARE absolutely right. It does change things and I hope I didn't minimize that. For us, the most changes so far for us were as we were goin through the process. I am sure we'll have plenty more difficult times ahead but we are a family and that is what matters. :heart:

JustAmina - for income, they ask for the last paystub, last year's tax statement, etc. You don't have to be rich to adopt (from a homestudy standpoint). Also, they do look for a safe home (fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, etc.). They also look for a certain "warmth" such as family pictures out in site, etc. We've been through two homestudies and they themselves were a lot less extensive/stressful than we thought. We were stressed out thinking about them though! Oh and paperwork, you generally need things like birth certificates for everyone in the family, marriage/divorce liscenses, a statement from your family physician, etc. In some cases you'll need fingerprints or background checks (I am pretty sure background/child abuse checks are standard but I could be wrong). They will also interview everyone in the family including kids to find out reasons/attitudes towards adoption. Whitley was really two young at the time of our homestudies (25. and barely 3) to understand or answer questions.

eta: lmk if this doesn't answer your questions or if you have more specific ones.

Also, just want to add to what hana said about the waiting period (for birthparents to change their minds). It is different in every state and will depend on the state you adopt FROM. It greatly varies from about 24 hours to 30 days (or maybe even ninety in a few states - can't remember). In AR, where we live, the waiting period is 10 days. Melody was in private (wonderful) foster care for that time period and we were able to pick her up and bring her home :heart: at 11 days old. Every agency and family handles this differently, but we didn't find out Melody even existed until she was 4 days old. The agency had already placed her into foster care b/c we had had two disruptions before and they wanted to protect our emotions. We chose to keep her there for the rest of the time period (one of the hardest things I have ever done! But DH INSISTED! He KNEW I would be a basketcase if we brought her home only to hand her back over). Also... this brings me to another point. DISRUPTIONS CAN AND DO HAPPEN (especially in domestic adoptions). Birthmothers understandably have the right to change their minds. So just b/c you are matched with a birthmother (for however long) does NOT guarantee you a baby at the end of the pregnancy. Something I didn't understand before we adopted was how freuqently this happens. Even though you understand this right of birthparents (and SUPPORT it) - it still HURTS. I don't say it to be a downer but just to prepare those of you who wish to adopt.

Hey, Amina, are you thinking about Garrett having a little sibling?!

Income wasn't a big deal with adoption link. You need to prove you have enough, and spend wisely enough, to take care of a(nother) child, but you don't have to have any great abundance and you DON'T have to own your own home. A lot of it will depend on the agency that actually does the homestudy (has to be an agency in your home state), so choose one that really feels work-able to you. (Like ask what they're looking for over the phone, and go with one that answers you in an approachable, comfortable manner.) I LOVED our social worker; she just opened her own adoption agency, actually.

Our social worker focused a lot on family, past issues, concerns about discipline, etc. She was far more concerned on big picture things like whether Rose and I had dealt with any past issues betweeen us and/or in our birth families, how we planned to raise this child in terms of daycare, etc., types of discipline, etc. and whether or not the two of us agreed on those important topics. She did make a few notes about our house, but she didn't check our cupboards or anything!

Wow, I am so excited for those of you who are considering this!
Hana

HI Hana! We posted at the same time.

YES, the social worker did interview my husband and myself separately asking about our relationship. She also delved into our childhoods and asked for us to explain hard times in our lives and how we handled those things. A lot of this could be in the form of paperwork, OR your social worker may interview you for it. When we did our state homestudy, it was mostly paperwork. Our private agency homestudy was in person and the social worker wrote down our answers and summerized them into the homestudy. Also, one mroe thing they will want is references. Generally b/t 3 to 5 references.

Thank you again, Hana and Lassie! Melody sure is a cutie pie! I'm sorry to hear about her reflux, though. Hopefully she is almost past that.

I've been contemplating adoption for many years (before ds was born, lol). So, I just like to "talk" with those who have done it and get some feedback and personal advice. :monkeydan

That agency in Chicago sounds neat, Hana, and they are not too terribly far away from us. I am not concerned about what the race or sex of the baby is. I come from a multi-racial family, myself. Maybe I will e-mail them (the agency) tonight and talk to them a bit.


Thanks again,

Thanks to everyone for the information. The links mentions were just enough to give me the background I needed to start the conversation with DP and begin exploring my feelings about adoption. Thanks!

Chole