Hi ya'all! DH and I are really trying to use the wisdom of 'How to talk so your children will listen' and 'Siblings without Rivalry' books . Yet there are situations that we are, well, challenged with! Oh the delightful growth opportunities that parenting provides :rolleyes: ...

I'd LOVE to be able to have an on-going discussion with other parents working on similar challenges based on those two books. Keeping it within the framework of those books keeps the waters clearer for us, at least at the moment. We'd like to master that before moving on to other authors/ideas.

So what would you do? Matthew, 3 1/4, got into his standard naughty mood - characterized by a distinct baby-like cackle and whooping sound. He started throwing a ball inside the house - I reminded him of the 'no throwing in the house' rule and told him that if he chose to throw I'd take the ball away. He threw, I took the ball, he countered by grabbing everything on a shelf and throwing that on the ground, I countered by telling him he needed to sit on the couch and calm down, he ran away, I told him he needed to sit and quiet himself or I would physically pick him up and hold him on the couch till he quieted, he threw more stuff on the floor, I picked him up to sit on the couch and he grabbed my hair and ripped very very hard. I LOUDLY told him that hurt and made me very angry, he began to tell me that he was the one who was angry not me..... Not having a clue what to do with this latest development I just stayed there, holding him, till he started to breath more quietly, told him I was interested in his feelings but that he hurt me and hurting was not allowed. I dropped it at that point, feeling very uneffective as a parent.

so what else could I have done? What would you do? thanks! Cathy

Wow Cathleen...that is such a tough situation and one I certianly don't have an answer for.
I must confess here that dh adn I have different partening adn discipline styles. If my children disrespect me, purposely lie, or a few other things I am sure, my dh handles these things.
I have not read the book you are talking about, but reasoning with lil ones is difficult.

I jsut wanted to chime n first of all becuase nobody else has commented and secondly..we all go through things like this sometime or other and it is worth talking about.
I jsut dont have any answers but yes, I fell ineffective in things like this too, Cathleen.
Big hugs

Not that I do this very well, but what I find effective is when I do more reflective listening with my kids when they are way out of control.

What emotions did he have that triggered the whole event? He gave you a clue when he said that he was the one angry. You could have repied "so are you angry about having to sit in my lap?" and then he will either say yes or no. Keep going asking him why he was angry until he confirms that you've gotten it right. If I were to guess it was because you took away his ball and wouldn't let him play.

At the point that you can pinpoint the emotion that he is acting out on then you can help him work on how he can change the outcome. Let him come up with his own solution. example "how can you do things differently so I don't have to take away your ball again?" this will help him come to his own answer. it may not be the one you would have picked but that is ok. he is his own person. if he is stuck you can help guide him to a solution. When he solves the problem on his own he then "owns" his own emotion and has control over his actions. He is more likely to follow through (not perfectly though) when it is his idea and not him having to do what mom says.

I've often found that my oldest is often upset because he gets in trouble for fighting when really the younger kids pick on him until he gets mad to have them stop. Well, without this reflective listening I would have never realized how many times he is not the instigater, just the one that follows through the best.

HTH some.

Not that I always remember to do this, but my goal in that sort of situation with a little one is to try to ward it off before it becomes a problem. Kind of like "Wow, throwing that ball looks like fun, would you like to do it on the patio, or do you want to roll it at some toilet paper tubes and knock them down?" But of course that doesn't always work.

I have read the books, but I'm nak and can't really look at them right now LOL. I know you're supposed to make statements about how you THINK they may be feeling. So if he were to start getting angry when you told him "no" you may have said "It makes you feel angry when I tell you you can't bounce the ball in the house, huh?" In theory it's supposed to work, but with my son, he usually just carries on his tirade anyways.

Age 3 for us was harder than age 2. And while 4 is easier in some ways, it's harder in others. *sigh* I really really thought it would all get easier once they were sleeping through the night, LOL, but the problems just seem to get bigger instead.