I will be entering my Saturn Return here come June, and so will my dh.

I know that we have both been working on lots of stuff these last two years and that will make this time much easier for us... BUT I am feeling the pull. We have been together nearly 7 years now. 7 yr ich? I don't know... but I am just starting to think about MY life and how much of it I have dedicated to him being a cop. I don't mind it, in the large scheme of things... but when I think about all of the changes we have both gone through with out each other... well it makes my heart ache.

We were different from the start... different intrestes... he is very mainstream and I am not... I look it... but my thoughts are pretty extreme at times. And that gets to him. He is an athiest, and I am VERY spiritual... I believe in the energy of all things... I have a very serious and strong connection with the earth. If I don't have a peice of earth to garden in, it drives me nuts. Litterally I get depressed and feel bad about myself. He wants just the kids we have, can't see putting more on our plate... and I would have as many children as I could. I love them...

That leads to my pull... I am being called to go out into the country. I don't really care where... (somewhere with in 20 miles of here would be great, and I have decied that I will never live more that 20 miles from a progessive community ever again... call it a dedication to my own sanity) but somewhere I can be out, and dealing with the 'little life'... I see people making their dreams happen... and I consistantly feel as though I am at the mercy of fate...

and then it hit me. That is bullsh*t.

I can't think like that and be happy at the same time. I need to make my life and hope to god it doesn't split up my marriage. And if it doesn't... he will be married to a more happy, successful, stronger person. Who doesn't want that in someone they love? I watched him change... I helpped him change... from something I understood and fully supported and loved... to something I still have a hard time seeing WHY THE HECK he would want to do.... but I love HIM... and he needed to change and do something for the grater good. Now I feel I must do the same.

I feel the pull of the country my friends. I feel it hard core. I need to be out... growing and planting and loving things. Learning and living.... being me... having animals and space, and trees.... nurturing and enjoying what I love in this world.

I am dedicated to making that happen. I am dedicated to making it as gentle on my dh as possible (considering he is JUST getting where he wants I would not compromise that... I love him dearly). I am dedicated to being happy.

I have decided that when someone asks me how I am, I am going to say something like "I am doing GREAT" as much as I can. I am going to embrace my life. I don't believe there is anything else you can do and be happy at the same time. If I do this.. it will cause trouble in my marriage for a while. I am worried... but not so worried that I think I shouldn't. If we aren't meant to be we aren't meant to be. I am not of the thinking that we should be together for all time, although that is what I WANT it to look like. With him, and the kids... both doing what we love... and doing it together.

I don't know... I have fallen into the rambling typing pit...

Love Val

"Faith not Fear"

you can do it!

Oh Val, your post is wonderful! I see how much you have given to your husband and see how successful he is. You have been incredibly supportive and I know it has been hard for you at times. It is time for you to follow your heart. Val, I am incredibly proud of you! I am so glad that you are able to have trust in yourself and do this for you. Both of you managed while you supported your husband. You will both survive this as well. I have always respected you and have loved hearing about how things are going. You are an incredible person and it really is time that you took care of your needs as well. You are worth it, my friend. I think that you are already a very successful person. You have qualities that some people just never get. Many people could learn a lot from you!!

That was a beautiful post. I could really feel your emotions ... thank you for sharing. I wish you the best. I admire your courage and strength of resolve.