I've promised dh could have the big V done after this babe is born. He was done after #2 (#3 was a surprise for both of us, but the others were planned) and gave me more babies even though he was more than happy with the ones we had :heart:

Though I have to say - I'm done too. With homeschooling and stuff, I just can't see myself adding more kids. Not unless I compromised in the way I raise them, and I don't want to do that! Plus - I'm looking forward to the time where it will be just dh and I. We've never had that.

But the baby lust.... The thought of not nursing another babe after this one, the sweet moments of having a newborn, etc. I'm really going to miss those things.

How do you deal with it? Does it go away? I'm hoping it will be easier, knowing I AM done. I feel done. Maybe I'll have to borrow a newborn every once in a while, lol, at least until my kids start having their own babes!

I have to say this time a number of factors came into it. My oldest is officially an adult, I'm 39 so I'm not getting younger, it's harder to be pregnant as you age, my boobs are gonna reach the floor at this rate...etc..
I think I just think about all of that, and birth and that I'd have to carry the baby again and it just isn't all that easy, though there are times when pregnant that it is thoroughly enjoyable, there are more times when it is hard for me.
I suppose I knew I was done this time from the beginning when I was so sick and grumpy...I just can't face that again. It's OK, Sophie is my 4th baby and my 1st is all grown and will someday give me wonderful grandbabies to play with..meanwhile, I have many years of enjoying Sophie growing..I just know I'm done..
I think some days I want one more then I think about all the other stuff and I'm done..
:big hug:
HTH

so... do you think if you don't get that definitive "i'm done" feeling ~ lol, then you truly aren't? LOL ;)

some days i think i am done...then most of the time i feel that i am meant to have one more. ::sigh::

Good morning Allison,

The factors in Meg's life are pretty much the same in mine. This body just doesn't want to function as it used to. I will have one more baby, but for sure know that he/she will be the last, and I am very much okay with that choice.

A few years ago that would have horrified me to think about being done, but now I see the need to be freer to be with my older children, who never stop needing to be parented. I have relaxed greatly over the years in how I home educate my family, but there are still other things that I would love to be able to do with them, which may already be too late to do, simply because of the inability to be as mobile as when I was young. My oldest son, 20 in three weeks, has already moved out of the house, so my influence in his life has diminished significantly. It's crazy, but the mistakes of the parents continue to be worked even in the later years. :eyes: What makes it so difficult now is, that there isn't the same amount of quality and quantity time to make it right, as when he was young and still under my wing.

I LOVE birthing and nursing! My pregnancies are very difficult for me, so the loss of being able to birth and nurse is the most difficult part of the decision. However, the nine months of pain are enough to tip the balance in the direction of 'no more'.

After baby 3 I was pretty sure that was enough, but not definate, ya know? Number four was unplanned, and while pregnant I knew how done I was. LOL :) I haven't had any baby lust. I do love pregnancy, which is why I went the surrogacy route.

DH was the one who was really unsure after 3. I could have been done. He wanted even numbers though. 2 boys and 2 girls. Boy was he lucky number 4 came out a boy. :P

For me I knew I was done after Roman was born. Just as I knew after Zoey was born that there would be one more.

After Zoey dh and I both felt there was one more soul out there waiting to join our family. That Zoey needed a sibling closer in age then big sister. We just knew. And after Roman I knew I was done. I had my vba2c - an amazing and empowering experience that I somehow needed to have. and I knew our family was complete.

I'm also turning 40 this summer, my dh is 45. I'm absolutely sure I do not want to be pregnant again tho i LOVED carrying my babies. We've recently weaned - which means I've also nursed my last child ever and I'm doing ok with that. I loved nursing my babies. But I'm done with that chapter as well.

I'm enjoying this part - raising my children vs birthing and caring for infant/baby.
I think thats why I know I'm done. I love babies (and will be watching a friends 7mo son starting next month once a week which should quench any babylust lol), but I am seriously loving this part of my life without an infant.

Every once in a while it is DH who thinks we should not have done the V and should have had one more. He never went back in for the after V sperm counts so i guess it is possible lol - but not probable.

I told Chelsey to give me another 10 years and then she can give me a grandbaby to enjoy :)

I knew after number two I was done. I was perfectly happy and not 'into' raising any more.

Then 7 yrs later we had a month of confusion (I was very forgetful that month and truly made error based on being a human....not on subconscious desire for another child) and

Voila! (baby number three)

Let me tell you that revving up for a baby when you don't have baby lust is VERY tough.

I am doing fairly well getting into it with my now four year old.

I don't want any more though (even when he is begging for a new baby to be a big brother to!)

Some people are ambivilent when ending their childbearing. Some aren't.

It all works out some how.

After baby #4 we decided we were finished in April 2002. When the nurses came into my room the next day to get my tubal done I told them that we had a full house now and it was for the best. But deep down I did not feel "done".

Well after having a tubal and having noooo problems at all from it. In August of last year on the day hurricane frances came though our area and a tree fell on top of my son's room, I decided to take a pg test because I just did not feel right. It was so postive I about died!!!! Well I took 5 more right after eachother and one the next morning and they were all positive. My husband and I both broke down in tears. We both I think wanted 1 more.

I feel that it was truly meant to be and I had the not done feeling because I was truly not done. Do what you feel is best for yourself and your family.

Since this has happened to me I now feel you can not stop what is meant to be.
My tubal will be redone after this baby. I now feel fullfilled :)

I've promised dh could have the big V done after this babe is born. He was done after #2 (#3 was a surprise for both of us, but the others were planned) and gave me more babies even though he was more than happy with the ones we had :heart:

Though I have to say - I'm done too. With homeschooling and stuff, I just can't see myself adding more kids. Not unless I compromised in the way I raise them, and I don't want to do that! Plus - I'm looking forward to the time where it will be just dh and I. We've never had that.

But the baby lust.... The thought of not nursing another babe after this one, the sweet moments of having a newborn, etc. I'm really going to miss those things.

How do you deal with it? Does it go away? I'm hoping it will be easier, knowing I AM done. I feel done. Maybe I'll have to borrow a newborn every once in a while, lol, at least until my kids start having their own babes!


Allison,

If you both agree that you are "done", it won't be so tough...at least from my experience.

I did worry about the things you mentioned above but honestly, even though I ooh and aaah every once in a while over a new baby, knowing we were indeed "done" made me not have any regret or real baby lust.

I also did breastfeed our last until he was nearly five years old so I have so many wonderful memories of extended breastfeeding.

The most difficult aspect for me, even though we knew we were done, was going through and giving away all the baby things. I did keep very special items, but giving away all those little clothes that I had so thoughtfully chosen and all the wonderful natural baby items was a sad day for me. More of a letting go sadness than wanting another baby sadness. (hope that made sense) It was a walk down memory lane with six children and I did cry that day.

Now that our "baby" is coming up on his 6th birthday, I can say that I am so glad we are done. It was the correct decision for us.

I think that is the key.....both partners agreeing that it is time to say goodbye to pregnancy and moving forward into the next season of life.

I thought it would be tough but it really was not and I am so content!

Michelle

The most difficult aspect for me, even though we knew we were done, was going through and giving away all the baby things. I did keep very special items, but giving away all those little clothes that I had so thoughtfully chosen and all the wonderful natural baby items was a sad day for me. More of a letting go sadness than wanting another baby sadness. (hope that made sense) It was a walk down memory lane with six children and I did cry that day.


You mean I'm going to have to do that????? :wah:

I think my biggest problem is I'm only 28. I really should have 12 more years or so of good child-bearing years, lol. And a lot of my friends are just beginning to think about starting families, so I'll have lots of newborns to lust after, lol.

I do know that realizing I'm done will help. Even before this babe was conceived, I knew she would be the last, and the baby lust wasn't as bad when I wasn't sure!

Thanks for all the responces that it WILL be ok, lol.

You mean I'm going to have to do that????? :wah:

I think my biggest problem is I'm only 28. I really should have 12 more years or so of good child-bearing years, lol. And a lot of my friends are just beginning to think about starting families, so I'll have lots of newborns to lust after, lol.

I do know that realizing I'm done will help. Even before this babe was conceived, I knew she would be the last, and the baby lust wasn't as bad when I wasn't sure!

Thanks for all the responces that it WILL be ok, lol.


Well....not if you have the storage space to keep it all!!! *lol*

Honestly, doing that was really really tough. I went through everything when our youngest was about three years old. Many many tears shed that day and everyone in the house just left me alone and gave me space to honor and work through my feelings.

I know what you mean about the age thing. We had our last just shy of my 30th birthday (dh was 29).

Michelle

When Christopher (my son) started entering his teens, I started to think that maybe he would be the only one. Truly, I wanted another baby, but I had finally made my peace with the fact that maybe it would just be me and him. Then when he started high school, Ben and I got the fever FIERCE, and along came Anabelle, our little millennium baby. As soon as she was born, I knew I wanted at least two more. For me AND for her, so she would have same-age siblings like Christopher never did. For lots of unexpected medical reasons, it wasn't and isn't to be. She is the last. I'm almost 41 and I'm *learning* to make my peace with this. Sometimes I feel like I have to be some kind of super-wonderful parent because this is my Last Chance, but most of the time I don't even think of it. We have a great time together, though!!! And I think she'll always be "Our Baby." ;)

How did we deal with having our last baby? We celebrated!!! Seriously - I think it's a great feeling to know that my family is complete, even though many people think it's too small.

BTW - I am 29. I know that my body could handle many more years of babies. But I just don't want it. I admit that the baby and toddler years are not my favorite. I am REALLY enjoying Emma (almost 4) more now than before. Is that terrible? I adore John, but I love that Emma and I can do things like go to lunch, complete an entire craft, read a book without eating the pages...

Being involved in LLL means that I get to smell sweet newborn heads all the time. That's a great coping technique!

My ovaries hurt when I see newborns. I love that stage SO much. But I look at my 7 year old and see what I have to deal with AFTER the newborn stage......I have two and I need no more than two. I like and have used the bandaid fix of playing with or babysitting a newborn every so often.

Not reading all the replies.
I'm not 100% sure we're done but fairly sure.
Who doesn't love babies and nursing? Those are some sweet life moments.
OTOH there are things I don't miss: physically hard things, gross things, dangerous things.
There are things I like about being done and having older kids & try to remind myself of them daily.

I can definately relate to the age thing. I am only 25. Dh had a V after Josie, but there is that part of me that is really sad about it. Ds is always asking for a brother, too (not like I could control that). I can't imagine what I will feel when this one weans. :wah: Or when she potty learns and I get rid of all the sweet, soft dipes. *sigh*! Dh and I both feel like we can't "handle" any more kids, but I love birth and babies SO much. Can't believe that's over. The surrogacy thing would probably satisfy some of that for me, but I think it would upset my kids. They would want to keep the baby.

I revel in the thoughts of all the things I am going to do for ME ME ME! I am going to run a marathon one day. I am going to paint beautiful pictures and they will hang in off-the-beaten-track 'Main Street' galleries. I am going to back-pack the United States, then Europe. I am going to cry my eyes out standing in front of Michelangelo's Pieta one day. And one day - when I am 80 years old, I am going to walk the beaches of Aruba TOPLESS.

That's how I deal with it!

I revel in the thoughts of all the things I am going to do for ME ME ME! I am going to run a marathon one day. I am going to paint beautiful pictures and they will hang in off-the-beaten-track 'Main Street' galleries. I am going to back-pack the United States, then Europe. I am going to cry my eyes out standing in front of Michelangelo's Pieta one day. And one day - when I am 80 years old, I am going to walk the beaches of Aruba TOPLESS.

That's how I deal with it!


That is an attractive way to look at it! :) It is nice to think that my baby will head off to college when I am only 43. At that point, dh will be either already retired from the navy and recieving a very handsome pension check on top of whatever paycheck he brings in from a new job, or he'll still be in and pretty high ranking and bringing home that BACON! LOL! He can fund my adventures. :D Gotta love military retirement after 20 years!

DH is getting his big V May 9th and I'm feeling ready. He waited for me to feel emotionally ready, and I think the complications of this pregnancy has helped hurry me along that path. :) You may want him to schedule it for when you're about 36 weeks and starting to get very uncomfortable, etc, you will be more apt to say "I'm *DONE*!!!" at that point. If you wait until AFTER the baby is born then you are risking your hormonal shifts becoming a factor and it could make for a very emotional situation, moreso than it could be without their effects, KWIM?

It's a difficult state of mind to get yourself into, and it DOES take some emotional preparation and soul-searching, but you have to be ready to embrace the future before you can make a decision to alter the fate of your family forever.

:big hug:

Jessica

read a book without eating the pages...



Don't knock it til you try it! Books are delicious, just ask Jack, he's eaten every book in our house!

Jessica

For me I knew I was done after Roman was born. Just as I knew after Zoey was born that there would be one more.

After Zoey dh and I both felt there was one more soul out there waiting to join our family.

Oh my gosh, Barb, I know this exact feeling. Not necessarily someone close to Jack, ut that there was someone out there who was waiting, a little soul who was in the wings. I was forever having these odd feelings when ALL of my kids were in the same room with me, I'd look around in a panic and think, "Where's ... oh! They're all here!". I thought I was losing my mind. I'd do it everywhere, at the mall, at our home, at someone else's home. I think that's why I reacted so strongly when John went for his Vasectomy. Aside from really REALLY wanting a daughter, I felt like our family wasn't complete, someone was missing. I know now that my instinct was entirely correct and those moments of me looking for a child that wasn't here (yet) must have been a way for the universe to protect her future, KWIM?

Jessica

Nicole-yes, I do believe that when you are done, you will know.

Allison- it is not something that can be looked at right now, when you are still pregnant, or when you will be nursing a new baby. Those are too much of an emotional time.


take the time...get back to "normal"...then you can start pondering it. It can be very tough. I cried for months after having Isabella knowing I would never go through that again. Now I am handling it better. It took a long time, but I think I am there..and I am 29 also, so I understand that part!

We jump up and down and say hip hip hooray! LOL

ALthough we said NO MORE after Malachi, Chloe had a 10dy living spermie that helped make her. But this time... we are done. We are so stinking careful it's ridiculous. We have been praying a lot about getting the old snip snip and I really do not feel any conviction about it, neither does dh. So I think we are going for it.

I want to move on. I dont think it would be fair to have anymore. Hannah already can't do as much as she and we would like her to do cause everything has to mesh with the other two and their needs as well. She misses out on a lot. And I feel badly. Malachi is always going to need more care than the others, and Chloe is a ... well she is something alright... she is my hardest child so far... I just can't see having anymore. I would be spread way too thin to enjoy them I think.

And now we can look forward to family vacations with glee instead of dread ;)

Crystal

Allison this was sooo me after each of my babies. I would always ask people how did you know you were done, because I could never see me not having babies.
But now that I have 6 kids and am pg with twins, I feel complete. I really feel like I will be happy with 8 kids.
I will be happy if me or dh gets something done permanently.
Mindi

Well - I felt like this too. Dh had the snip last year. I was depressed for several weeks about it after Maribeth weaned (Megan weaned 2 months before Maribeth). Esp as they weaned earlier than I planned on them weaning. But now I'm realizing how much better of a mom I am right now than if I was pg again. I can enjoy my kids and not be puking all the time or on restricted activitiy. I'm looking forward to the next stage for now. Though I'm sure I'll miss babies more in the future. Mentally it also helped that dh got the snip - not me - MY personal fertility was not affected. Dh's is. Not that I'm planning to split up with him or cheat on him or anything. ;) But he is the one who is completely sure he is done - so he has the right to do that to his body. I didn't just "know" I was done myself. Dh did. Now I am o.k. with this being it months later. I'm 29 myself. So I understand that part.

:

I think my biggest problem is I'm only 28. I really should have 12 more years or so of good child-bearing years, lol. .

This is exactly my problem. We have two children. I don't feel quite "done", DH does but says we can have one more. If I get pregnant this year (I'm 27), I'll only be 28 when that baby is born. How can I waste all of those fertile years??? I'm so glad you said it first, becuase I thought I was the only one who felt that way. Since getting married, first I had strong baby lust, then a baby, then strong baby lust, then a miscarriage, then antoher baby, and now I'm getting the baby lust again. When does it all end? And how can I put aside those feelings of baby lust and continue to ovulate each month? It's just mind boggling.....

And I too sometimes think we're missing someone. LIke I'll have a nagging feeling that I left one of hte kids behind, when of course both of them are with me....I still think that could be left over from having a miscarriage, though.

I'm not there. The thought of not ever having another little one is absolutely heartbreaking to me and I have 8.

I would happily go through another pregnancy/birth/colicky baby/terrible twos etc.... to hold another little one in my arms. I'm not sure I will ever feel *done*.

I'm also very much afraid that if I have to stop before I feel ready, that I will end up very resentful. I know that may not be fair, because there are both parents to consider, but....... I think it will be a terrible struggle for me to not feel it anyway.

I realize that my children get less of my time than if I only had 2 children for example, but they gain so much from their siblings/being a part of a big family, that I feel it more than makes up for it.

I don't know....I don't have any advice. Just that I hope that you find peace and happiness in your decision.

Hugs mama,
Aileen

I'll be brief for once.

Definitely done, got a tubal last year.

I'm 27, we have 4 girls (snort, whoever said girls were easier than boys was LYING :D ), all 4 were c-sections and I've changed a diaper every single day since 8-9-96. I'm done.

Not that I don't love em but ummm, no more, lol.

For us? It was harder for me. I adore the nursing, co-sleeping, diapering stages. LOL. Dh was like "Oh, yea, it's ok"...lol. But I also know if I felt it was a "calling" to have another everytime I wanted another newborn to hold, another one to nurse and co-sleep, another 2 year old to roll around and cuddle with?? I'd end up having 50. LOL. I doubt my "baby lust" will ever go away. Whether I had/have 1 or 20.

I had to look at it realisitically...for *us* that meant no more after 3. There are certain things I want to be able to provide for my kids, that *I* see as important, and I know I can't afford to do that with too many. I know it differs for us all, and some feel it's a shame to not have those several more children because of money...I feel differently, and am only sharing what we feel. (o: From housing space to clothing to sports to etc., more than 3 would be hard for us to provide "well" for.

Time was another issue for us. Our 3 kids are into sports, classes, etc. And no, not one of those over-scheduled familys...lol. 3 kids and 1 sport each means no time left. LOL. I know others don't see sports or such as important, and that is ok. But we wanted the kids to be able to choose an activity if they wanted, and know we'd support them in it, for fun or otherwise, and fund it with our time and money. Soccer alone means 2 games a week for Justin, 2 for my oldest Chelsie, and 3 for Sarah. Our days are full, and when I imagine adding in another? I don't see how. I'd be telling someone no, sorry, no more time...and I don't want to do that. This was dh's biggest reason for not having more, time.

Patience is another. Kids hit different stages at different times. My almost 14 yo is entering high school and is facing so many changes and new things. She needs more of my time now over when she was, say, 7-12 years old. If I had a toddler or newborn, would I be able to give it to her? Enough? Enough alone time? No. Would I have enough patience to deal with "it all"? I am not sure. LOL. Dh, no. LOL.

Chapters always close. To keep them all open means missing new ones. And with kids growing older, and entering new ones, that's important to avoid. As they get older they have different needs, new stages, new things to share with them...if I had "too many kids", I am scared I'd not be able to fully enjoy the 3 I do have, and all their stages, new interests, etc.

Some say this about 1 child, some say it when they hit 6. It's personal, yes. :big hug:

My DH got his V two months after DD was born. As far as he's concerned, we'e done. Ppfffftt! Easy for him to say! :rolleyes:

I want to have at least one more but I don't know if my body can handle it. The pregnancy and birth went beautifully, it's all the stuff afterwards that made my eyes bug out! LOL

I love watching DD develop. She's so funny! And surprizingly serious for someone all of 14 months old. I try *very* hard not to laugh at her during these moments, but the faces! LOL Precious.

Somedays I *really* want another baby, and then some days I wonder why I ever agreed to this sort of insanity. KWIM?

I suppose if DH were actually more involved with DD, it would help me alot more and I would have a better opinion about over all. But I guess he's figured out that sometimes theories only work on paper.

In a perfect world, I would have three max. Course, I would have started younger too. And definately with someone else.

I want to be done for my dh's sake... but I am just not. I am one of those people who could have 10 kids. I started early and wanted nothing more than to be a mom.

BUT dh wants to be done now... I just can't picture being DONE at 23 years old. I mean yeah... I have two kids... a boy and a girl. Super mainstream friends say that I "should" be done... but heck... I am 27 now and I was done having kids at 23... That just doesn't sound right to me. I will be 35 when Alex graduates from highschool... Cyan will be 12 that summer. That is when MANY people START families. Not when you youngest is going into highschool.

I don't know... all these arguments are not enough to convince dh. He doesn't want more kids... he wants lots of "just us life" he says. He has a point, but when I think about not ever having another baby my heart begins to hurt and my stomach gets tied in knots. Honestly I want another baby NOW. But that is just not going to happen with him going into a 9 month academy soon.

I don't know... just ranting I guess.

Love Val

Wow... I just realised how old this thread was. lol...

Love Val

Add me to the list of 29 year olds who are done, LOL. But for me I knew it all along, there is no doubt. I wanted three, and I also wanted to be done by the time I turned 30. I am going to make it by about 6 weeks, LOL.

I occasionally have twinges when I think that this will be the last baby I will nurse and cuddle, but I also know that three is all I can handle and I want to be able to parent them effectively. I don't want to be overwhelmed all the time!

I also look at my parents. My mom had her last baby at 25. So by 45, all her children were out of the house on their own for the most part (my sis was still in college), and my parents were still young enough to really enjoy that time in their lives. OTOH, DH's parents had children later in life and did not get everyone moved out and on the road to financial independence until they were almost 60. They faced the financial burdens of forced early retirement and medical problems before DH's sister was even moved out. I looked at both of them and thought, "I want to be my parents in 20 years, LOL"

Anyway, what I mean to say is that for me, I know that three completes my family, it is what I have always told DH, so I am okay with knowing I am done.

Looks like you will have three boys and three dogs... sounds like the perfect rounded family. :D

I would love to be done at 29, but I want one more. lol... I am of the opinion that I want life left... but I am just not done yet. You know? If dh would let me, I would be PG right now. Then I would let him get a V and be done with it... but he says later, and I say I want to be done later. lol... we go around and around. I don't want a 3rd unplanned either. Alex was unplanned, Cyan was after a 13 week miscarriage. I want one planned, wanted (not that my other two were not wanted... just the first 8 weeks took some getting used to...) stable family child. But I want it soon... oh... hormones are so crazy!!!

Love Val

Looks like you will have three boys and three dogs... sounds like the perfect rounded family. :D



Oh no, DH won't let me have three dogs, LOL. One of those in the picture is my mother's. We all have golden retrievers and when we visit each other we always bring the dogs along. I do rescue work to get my dog fix, and would like to foster dogs when my boys are older, but I don't feel comfortable with it yet.