Oh Mamas, I am SO frustrated, angry, disappointed, sad.........the list goes on. I'm beginning to think we're never going to adopt another baby:-(

We were suppose to adopt a baby boy before Christmas. This was the little guy that I met in Guatemala in October. He was adorable and turned a year old in December. Well, we waited and waited and no phone call from the facilitator. After a MONTH of no replies to emails or phone calls, the facilitator tells me they can't find the baby's birthmom to do the DNA test so NO adoption. Just like that, he's gone. She doesn't have any other babies for us. Gee, isn't that nice. Now remember, she HAS the little 7 year old that we were suppose to adopt but were told we couldn't because she was considered a threat to Marianna. We paid all the fees for the 7 year old.

OK.....we move on to another agency and receive a referral for a baby girl who looks amazingly like Marianna. We are thrilled about the baby, but less than thrilled about spending more money. (Facilitator is "suppose" to pay us back. yea right.)

Facilitator says she'll send back our dossier since we're not getting baby boy. It's been a month and after weekly phone calls and assurances that it's "in the mail", she still hasn't sent the dossier.

So... we start the whole process all over again gathering documents, spending money to get everything certified, etc. and send off our Dossier last week to find out every document is WRONG and has to be redone. PLUS there a loads of new requirements that went into affect Jan. 1. I am so at the end of my rope. When do you give up, KWIM? I am so discouraged:-(

Thanks for listening Mamas,
Sandra

Why not adopt from within the US? There are thousands of children in foster and group homes that need loving families. If you adopt through the state, your expenses will come out to less than a couple hundred dollars.

:big hug: :big hug:

Why not adopt from within the US? There are thousands of children in foster and group homes that need loving families. If you adopt through the state, your expenses will come out to less than a couple hundred dollars.
Ditto. This is the route we are taking. If you want a baby, you can become licensed as a fost/adopt parent, and you will have a decent chance of getting a little one. If you are willing to take older children and/or special needs, there are plenty of kids out there! And you won't have to pay for your homestudy or anything.

It isn't a cake walk, of course, I'm at my wit's end with the process, but that is due to my agency hiring an adoption worker with absolutely no training. Sigh.

Kristi

Why not adopt from within the US? There are thousands of children in foster and group homes that need loving families. If you adopt through the state, your expenses will come out to less than a couple hundred dollars.


I can give her about a million reasons why not, but that is because I had the experience from hell trying to do that.

So instead, I am going to ask you for a favor. I am being serious. Can you pm me and tell me why you feel positive about that process? Did you have a good experience? Would you feel okay sharing your experience with us?

I would really love to hear a story that ended well. :big hug:

I can give her about a million reasons why not, but that is because I had the experience from hell trying to do that.

So instead, I am going to ask you for a favor. I am being serious. Can you pm me and tell me why you feel positive about that process? Did you have a good experience? Would you feel okay sharing your experience with us?

I would really love to hear a story that ended well. :big hug:

I wouldn't say my experience has ended "well", based on most people's definition of the word. My 6 year old has early onset bipolar disorder, ADHD, and RAD, thanks to a birth mother who abused drugs and alcohol. I'm now a single parent with one mentally ill child and one with a chronic, generative genetic disorder. But life is a crapshoot. You roll your dice, play your cards, and have faith that there is a divine order to things.

Each human being carries recessive genes for at least *seven* fatal genetic disorders. In my philosophy, there are no guarantees. Adoption wasn't guaranteed to grant me a (somewhat) healthy child any more than my own genes could. I knew that going in. I took one look at Walt's face and would have killed or died for him. I still feel that way, even on the days when I want to lock myself in the closet to get a five minute reprieve from him.

That's just my two cents, which doesn't count for much except in my own head :-)

Hugs Sandra..sounds so frustrating!! I hope for the best for you all finding the right child for your family.

I wish you all the luck!

Here are my sister's 4 girls. Adopted through foster care. The youngest was 20 hours old when they picked her up at the hospital.

Anna/Phoenix Roses, I know you've had crappy experiences, as have I; BUT, it is possible to adopt a baby from the system, as well as other children. There are a few women in my local foster group who have adopted their foster children that were placed w/them at birth....adopted around 2yo. Our current placement, an 8yo boy, has been with us since last July and will possibly become free, and he doesn't have any problems at all.

It's still a difficult road, and there are so many variences between county/state/agencies, yk?

I absolutely agree that the system is totally screwed up, but there are still wonderful kids out there in need of homes :)

Kristi

:big hug: I know all too well some of what you must be feeling right now.

I wouldn't say my experience has ended "well", based on most people's definition of the word. My 6 year old has early onset bipolar disorder, ADHD, and RAD, thanks to a birth mother who abused drugs and alcohol. I'm now a single parent with one mentally ill child and one with a chronic, generative genetic disorder. But life is a crapshoot. You roll your dice, play your cards, and have faith that there is a divine order to things.

Each human being carries recessive genes for at least *seven* fatal genetic disorders. In my philosophy, there are no guarantees. Adoption wasn't guaranteed to grant me a (somewhat) healthy child any more than my own genes could. I knew that going in. I took one look at Walt's face and would have killed or died for him. I still feel that way, even on the days when I want to lock myself in the closet to get a five minute reprieve from him.

That's just my two cents, which doesn't count for much except in my own head :-)

Thanks :big hug:The 2 cents count for a lot. It ended well in my book, they are YOUR babies now. They have you as their parent. They are awesome kids. Oh and I get RAD LOL. The bathroom was my only break when Sarah was in full RAD mode. Took a long time to diminish the RAD. It is sooo hard. Levi is 9 and has bipolar, psychosis nos and Asperger Syndrome. We should compare notes, or call each other when we feel the need to hide in closets ROFLOL. I thank God for Zyprexa that works for my son. :happy:

Maybe one day I will do it again.

Sorry if this feels like your thread is being hijacked about adopting in the US. I respect your decision to adopt again from Guatemala. I just wanted to say, though, that if you were open to an African-American newborn, I know an EXCELLENT agency. Exactly one year from when I first called, we were matched with an 8-month pregnant woman who gave birth a month later (obviously), exactly a year from when we had turned in our homestudy. So, in one year, we found ourselves holding our healthy 3-day old daughter, with absolutely no glitches along the way. We have a letter- and picture-exchanging relationship with her birthmother. So, if you decide to consider another route, I'd be glad to answer any questions.

Hugs and best wishes on your journey for Mariana's sibling,
Hana

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Sandra. We lost the first little girl we were adopting when she died in India just before she was to come home to us. Most people don't understand how we could grieve for a child we never met - but we did and we do.

We went on to adopt 3 other children from India, one a special needs adoption. I respect completely that everyone has their own path in adoption. Just because my children happened to be born in another country, that doesn't mean they weren't just as deserving as any other child to have a loving home. The odds were great that, had they stayed in their native country, they would not have been adopted - in part due to the darkness of their skin. I've been to where they're from, and I've seen what their lives would have been like.

Well, we tried adopting domestically (both state and private) before we went international. The state told us we couldn't get an infant and we don't want a child older than Marianna.

Race doesn't matter to us at all. We tried 2 agencies desiring an African American or mixed riace baby, but at 50 years old, we were not selected by many birthmoms. In the 2 matches that we did get, the birthmoms changed their minds and kept the babies. That's why we're back to international and since Marianna is from Guatemala, naturally chose it again.

This has been the emotional roller coaster ride from he-- for me. We have "lost" 5 babies in the past 18 months:-(

Sandra

I'm posting this publicly in case anyone else is interested, but I'd be glad to talk to you by pm if you're interested.
Adoption-Link in Chicago (actually a suburb, Oak Park) is the agency we used (I believe the website is adoptionlinkillionois.com; if that's not right and you google it, make sure you get the one in Oak Park because I think there is another agency elsewhere with the same name but not affiliated with them).

With them, age is not an issue. My partner is the one who actually adopted and she was in her late 50's at the time. The owner, Margaret Fleming, must be 65 or so by now and she has several adopted children who are still young.

You don't wait to get picked. Although your profile is placed in a book birthparents can choose from when they are at least 7 months pregnant, you are also on a waiting list. Many birthparents don't want to make the choice and ask the agency to choose. When you are among the top three on the waitlist, the agency will start looking for the right match for you.

I can't say enough good about the agency. I will say that three of my friends who adopted through them had "failed" first adoptions--in all three cases, the birthmom decided to parent. But all three had successful second adoptions, and all within about a year of applying. One of my friends just adopted his third baby, all through Adoption-Link.

Oh, the babies are placed in foster care (the home of a local mom or couple waiting for an adoption to go through) when they are released from the hospital until you can get there to pick them up (no sooner than the birthmom signs off her rights--for your protection--usually 72 hours after birth). Voila, a precious three-day old infant in your arms.

By the way, all their babies are African-American or biracial. Except one of my friends adopted a white baby through them--the white mom had said the dad was Mexican, but methinks she lied (she had reason to lie because her current relationship was with a Mexican man) or was confused, 'cause that baby's skin is as white as milk.

Their cost is really reasonable; I believe most would be covered by the adoption tax credit, if that is still in place.

Besides your homestudy, you have to take a transracial adoption "course" that, at least when I took it, consisted of three 2-hour sessions over the phone with a counselor and other families.

Anyways, I hope that helps anyone who might decide to go the domestic, transracial route. For us, the big draws were lack of age discrimination and the "guarantee" that you would get a baby because of the waiting list.

I know you're hurting, Sandra. I hope you find peace.
Hana

I haven't been around in awhile, so I'm sure you don't know me. But I have an inkling of what you're going through. We're also pursuing an international adoption right now, and suddenly have to switch countries midstream. We have been waiting to adopt a specific little boy from Haiti, but it appears that due to some changes in the country's social services administration, our family won't be able to adopt from Haiti at all. We are now pursuing adopting from our "back-up" country of Ethiopia, but the whole thing is a mess. I just can't get past the feeling that we are abandoning that little boy.

Losing a child while still in the process of adoption is terribly frustrating and heart-breaking. Although the child may not have been placed with your family, your grief is real.

I sincerely hope that everything will work out with the facilitator, that you get your $ and dossier back so that you can move on and provide a family for a child who is in desperate need of one.

:hug:

We have adopted twice (international and stateside) but I'm not sure what a facilitator is.

I'm so sorry for the ups and downs...I remember that very well. We had one infant that we were sure were would be getting fall through at the last minute and I understand your heart-sorrow. Then we had a child placed with us and had to send him back after a few months.

My heart goes out so much to you while you ride the ups and downs of the "adoption rollercoaster".

I'm just so so sorry for the continual letdowns. Keep faith that eventually, YOUR CHILD....the one destined to be yours, will find his/her way into your life, heart, and family.

I wish I had more to offer to help ease the stress during this waiting time.

I'll think of you,
Michelle

Why not adopt from within the US? There are thousands of children in foster and group homes that need loving families. If you adopt through the state, your expenses will come out to less than a couple hundred dollars.

This is true. Our international adoption was expensive but our stateside adoption was hardly any cost at all. Beyond the money, the international adoption had so many frustrations and the stateside adoption had very little in the area of unexpected delays and frustrations.

When I compare and contrast the two experiences, our stateside adoption was must easier, faster, less expensive, and waaaay less stressful.

Our son (international) was 11 months by the time I finally flew to Mexico. Our daughter (stateside) was just a few hours old when I held her for the first time and I took her home directly from the hospital.

I understand it is totally personal about where to adopt...just thought I'd comment on Logans comment and share a bit of our own experiences.

Michelle

Hana, thanks so much for that info; we are exploring private domestic adoption as well, and that agency seems great. I know that other agencies charge the same rate for African American babies, but way more for "white" babies, and that always creeps me out.

{{{{{Sandra}}}}} I am so sorry. Adoption can be so difficult!

Listen, it is your choice, a personal one, where you decide to adopt your baby (or child) from. IME, my friends who have adopted internationally have had an easier time than those of us who have adopted domestically. So it greatly varies.i don't think you can look at it and say... international is easier or vice versa. There are so many variables including country, agency, luck or fate, and state laws and policies.

If you truly are interested in adopted an AA or biracial baby, please PM me. I am with an adoption support group and we hear of babies being born or close to being born all the time, especially black baby boys. One of my friends has adopted ten children, and two others have adopted three. They have a lot of experience between them and I soak it all up. I'd like to know your budget and keep you in mind when I hear of something.

Also, as far as adopting thru the state, some states are MUCH easier than others. Our state has tons and tons of adoptive parents waiting and over 400 children also waiting. It is like pulling teeth to get anyone matched. Soooo many freaking problems with our state system. But it is true that if you are willing to foster, you will have an easier time adopting thru the state. But I know that age is a factor unfortunately. :( I find that very sad when there are so many "older" (by the states definition) willing and ready to adopt.

Anyway, major hugs. I am so sorry sweetie.

Hana & Lassie, Is family size an issue w/ the agencies you've worked with?

Oh, I also wanted to ask if you are sure your facilitator is not a scammer? I don't know much about international facilitators, but I do know there have been a lot of domestic facilitators cracked down on lately for taking money and "running". :(
Yesterday on one of my lists I saw that there are some young sibling groups ready for adoption, fees waived. How old is Marianna again?

Adria, our family was a family of three, so I am not certain. I would imagine not with our agency. I would NEVER recommend them to anyone though. I don't think they would care about anything except the money iykwim. They were less than honest and horrible to work with. I have a friend with 15 total children. She's adopted mostly thru state systems but she would know of agencies that work well with large families. Would you mind PM'ing me and letting me know what you are interested in (if you are asking for yourself ;) )?

No, with Adoption-Link, family size is NOT an issue. I know of a family with seven or eight children who adopted through them. Actually, Rose has five older children and they didn't say anything at all except in our homestudy when they asked about them all. You might not get chosen by birthparents who want their child to be an only child or "top priority" or whatever, but you would move up the waiting list with everyone else.

By the way, I hope I didn't in any way indicate that I think domestic is better/more important than international. We are lesbians (either not accepted or not well accepted by many countries), Rose was well over 50, we had limited funds (although in retrospect, any amount would have been fine if it had brought us our sweet children!), it was the journey that felt best for us.

Good luck to mamas waiting for babies,
Hana