What do I do? I was upstairs with the baby. Gabby the 10 1/2 yo came up she had just painted her nails and wanted to show me. I was commenting on them when she leaned over and kissed the baby on the forehead and left lipstick there. I asked what is on your lips she said "nothing." I wiped the babies head and said well that is something tell me what itis. She said "nothing" again. I said Gabby just tell me she said "I don't know what it is." I said "I don't think you are telling me the truth." Mommy I am am maybe it is the chapstick I put on before. I said "go get it." She comes back up crying and says "I didn't want you to be mad at me." She is carrying a tube of lipstick.

Now I was never a girly girl so I don't remember ever wanting to wear lipstick(btw it is my lipstick) but I remember other girls around this age wanting to. I got angry and said lying will not be tolerated in this house and I punished her from a playdate she had with a friend she hasn't seen in awhile. She is now crying her eyes out and I don't know if I did the right thing. Honestly the experimenting with makeup and nail polish unerves me a bit but I am tring to let her be her own person. My mom is very girly girl and like I said I never was and our relationship suffered because I always felt like she didn't accept her "jock" of a daughter. Ok now I am rambling what would you have done?

I might have said "Why are you wearing lipstick?" instead of what's on your lips. I'd pause,take time to calm down think about my personal reasons for me not wanting her to wear lipstick and then later discuss it with her, have a teachable moment when both of us are not so emotional about it. Maybe come to a compromise, lip gloss ok (let's pick out some together)but lipstick is not something like that.

:big hug:

This same thing happend with Nico if I ask her a question that I already know the answer to. She is more inclined to lie if I do that. Instead, I would have said "I see you are wearing lipstick. I do not think that is appropriate." and go from there.

Now I feel like a jerk for punishing her. I see that I kind of set her up to lie with how I handled it. I feel like I can't take back the punishment that would send the wrong message. I became emotional and reacted too quickly.

I think you are someone who is doing the best she can.

Don't be hard on yourself. You can't be perfect. The fact is that she took something that didn't belong to her and she lied to you (even if you essentially set that up to happen, she could have chosen to tell the truth). I'd let the punishment stick because of those two things. But I would also tell her that in a couple of days you can talk about what is appropriate as far as makeup and experimentation for a child her age, then negotiate lip goss, light nailpolish, whatever you think is appropriate.
Hana

No, you're not a jerk! We all learn from experience what works for us.

A lie is a lie, set up or not. I'd let the punishment stick.

I know I'll be in the same boat when my girls want to experiment with make-up. I've seen a few natural lip balms with just a tint of color and flavor that I'd probably be ok with. Also, a few weeks ago Lauren (mamabear) posted about some natural sort of nail polishes that peel off without polish remover. Might be a good compromise as well.

Don't feel badly!! The issue was not the lipstick but the lying. We've had that happen and have punished severely for the lying - it was my 2nd oldest and she lied for almost a full day when we were pretty sure she was not telling the truth. It was over a stupid thing - she ate her sister's Smarties that were on the dresser - and she would have just been told not to do it again if she had told the truth and then made to give her sister $0.25 to pay her back. Instead it turned into a huge thing and she was grounded for a week, made to do her sister's chores since she made her sister take punishment too (we grounded both of them until the truth came out) and she needed to appologize to all involved.

It's so tough when they get to this stage but we need to make them understand that we'll not tolerate lying. I still can't fully trust my 12 year old because she did this twice to us! She sees that our trust in her was shaken and it's taken her a long time to rebuild it even a bit.

Ann

you can tell her that you apoligize for asking her a question when you already knew the answer (that she had on lipstick.) Let her know that next time you will try to just say what you know and that she can answer you truthfully when you DO want an answer to a question. Tell her that even if you are upset about the answer, you will try to listen to her and not react without thinking about it.
It will set an example of how people learn to communicate thru their lives and can apoligize for things they feel bad about.
It is never too late to apoligize (even mid-punishment!)

:big hug:

I would have said "I see you are wearing lipstick. I do not think that is appropriate." and go from there.

yup... same here... we use lose of "I/We" messages here... "I don't like it when you do blah blah"... "I see you are doing blah blah"... "We do not scream in the house"... "We need to get going"

I doubt she was planning on hitting the town, just exploring a bit... Shoot, I used to take my mom's lipstick and drag it all ova' my body - head to toes... lol... And I'm just about the least feminine woman I know (aside from my butch lesbian pals... lol)...

I agree with the previous poster - whoever said making a compromise w/ lip gloss... My mom used to buy me those lipsmackers in all the really yummy flavors (I still get them in my stocking at Christmas, lol)...

Don't worry about it, mama... No one is perfect and you can't beat yourself up for making mistakes. Kids are SUPER resiliant. :)

:big hug:

Thanks mamas. I am not looking forward to her becoming a teenager. I tried to talk to her she is still super emotional and cannot talk about it yet. I will revisit in a few days after there has been some distance from the situation. The thing is she has all the nail polish, body spray, scented lotions, soaps, and lip gloss any little girl could possible need. I don't know why she did it and she doesn't either. She did say when I confronted her she got scared, that makes me sad to think she is afraid of me. :wah:

I doubt that she was scared of you; my guess is that she's scared of the choice she made to take the lipstick and then to lie. You know that feeling you have when you know you're making a bad choice and yet you can't seem to help yourself? She had already sone something wrong and was finding herlself about to do something else wrong (the lie). That's pretty scary.
Hana

Have you ever told her not to touch your lipstick? Even if you haven’t I am sure when you asked she could tell form your tone she was doing ‘something’ wrong. If I had told my dd not to touch my make-up repeatedly, which I have lol, and then she lied about it she would be in trouble. But if she was just saying nothing in kind of a knee jerk reaction to my anger when she/he was never told not to do something then I think I would explain why they can’t but not punish. Plus it sounds like she came clean pretty quick. I’m not criticizing but for us taking away a play date is pretty harsh. Lying is lying but when dh asks me if I ate the his last ding dong I say no lol I think the punishment should fit the crime otherwise what’s the difference if you stay out past curfew or not do your chores the punishment is the same. For me if I had never told her not to touch my stuff before I would go to her and say I was really angry, it’s expensive and you have all your make-up to play with, I don’t want my good stuff ruined. I am really upset you lied and sorry if I made you feel like you had to lie to me. Now that I am calmer I see that I never told you not to play with it and I should have. So you can not do x or have to do x but you can play with your friend. That’s just me. But my kids don’t regularly do things like this, but I loose my temper often. Last week my ds was just being obnoxious, teasing his sister and taking forever to do his homework and then chores. I was yelling and yelling and then he threw a ball to put it in the basket and it bounced off the wall and hit his sister. That was the last straw for me. I grounded him from his Nintendo stuff for two weeks. After they went to bed and I had a chance to clam down and see he was just being a little more high strung then normal and I was having a bad day. The next day I sat him down and told him why his actions where not good and I wasn’t feeling good and I did overreact some so you are still grounded until the weekend but two weeks was a little harsh on part. He apologized and said he knew he was not doing what he was supposed to and it is fair he got in trouble. I really think he got more out of this way. When I say enough is enough I mean it, rather then just being ticked off at me for grounding him for two weeks. But we all do what we think is right and she’ll live if she doesn’t go so don’t feel too guilty over it.

I should have punished her. You did the right thing. She has lied about other things, and talking to her isn't working. Sometimes they need consequences. My 10 year old is really difficult right now. Sometimes it is so hard to know how to handle them.

i personally don't think that the lipstick is the problem. the problem is the lying. she knew very well that she put SOMETHING on her lips. that said, maybe you could have her earn back the playdate. are there some chores or anything that she could do that could have her thinking about lying while doing them? (sorting laundry or something mundane??) sometimes if i think that i have overreacted, i will talk to dd about it and let her earn back the privilege. :big hug: we all make mistakes and i am sure everyone has punished a child and then wished they had counted to ten first. don't feel too bad, you did not make her lie. i hope i am making sense here.