OK - the deal is that our senior high youth group is going to Applebees for lunch and my 14 year old has plans to go. At 10:15, I told her she needed to get ready and take a shower so she ran upstairs. It's now 11:45 and that's the last I've seen of her. No shower, not dressed, etc. I also told her I had a couple of chores for her so to hurry up and get going when I told her to take a shower. So now I'm sitting here - the other kids are dressed and ready to go but she's no where to be seen and I KNOW she's going to come flying down the stairs any time and freak that we're not gone yet. She has a clock in her room and, honestly, wouldn't you think about the fact that you want to go out and look at the time? Doesn't an hour and a half seem like a long time??

UGH!! I am so tired of prodding her all the time like a child and I think she should have atleast motivated herself after I told her the plan to get herself ready!!

BTW - I think she's just sitting up in her room either listening to music or making a hemp necklace.

So, am I being mean? WWYD?

Ann

teach her a lesson. if she's not ready on time-leave without her. it will teach her to get going.

nak. i'd leave her home. also shower and chores need to be done while you're gone or else (fill in the blank)

nak...try saying to her "we will be leaving at_____(fill in the blank). you are welcome to join us. if you are not ready you will be left home" that puts the responsibility on her. ftr, i don't think you are being mean. she needs to learn these things.

not mean at all.... I do that with my 6 and 7 year olds. Well not leave them but they wouldn't get to go. If I told them and it is thier activity it must not be THAT important to them if they can't get thier butts in gear:D

also, i know a lady who made her 9 yo dd pay for a sitter with her allowance when she goofed around and wasnt ready to go with their family for some event. said girl hasn't done that again.

Originally posted by miahswife
nak...try saying to her "we will be leaving at_____(fill in the blank). you are welcome to join us. if you are not ready you will be left home" that puts the responsibility on her. ftr, i don't think you are being mean. she needs to learn these things.

Ditto!

If she's done this before, and been allowed to go, I wouldn't just leave her this time. I would, however, sit down and talk to her when you get back and explain what you expect of her (VERY specificly) in the future and what the consequences will be if she doesn't follow through. I'd even go so far as to put them in writing, but then I have a teen boy, and so maybe it's just a boy thing to need a written reminder. My children's chores have to be completed by 8pm the night before, to be allowed to do anything special or go anywhere the next day. This prevents any last minute trying to get stuff done and get ready craziness.

Were you and the other kids doing lunch as well? I would leave without her and do something with the other kids. Coming down in a frantic fit because you're late to find a note saying "maybe next time you'll be ready on time and have your chores done" would nip that in the bud, I would think. Leave instructions as to where you'll be so she doesn't freak out, but I wouldn't take her. It must not be too important or she'd be ready.

I'll go to applebees with you :D. I love eating out, lol. I'd have been ready long before it was time, even as a teen.

Perhaps there is something else going on? Is she nervous about meeting up with people? Is she not feeling well? Is she just doing this to get out of chores?

How frustrating. I'm not looking forward to teens.

love and logic.. it's a great book.

Seriously.. she only has like three or four more years at home. Time management is a skill she will be responsible for when she's an adult. To be blunt, it's not your job to make sure she's ready to go do fun things. It's hers. If she doesn't get to go.. just say "I'm sorry (say it really sadly and mean it) .. I wish you could have gone with us. It was really great. But don't worry, we'll go out again in a few days and I know you'll be ready to go when we are then." and leave it at that. That way you aren't the bad guy... she hast to take responsibility for her own time management.

Now, I dunno if she's old enough to be left alone or not.... I just know that as long as you worry about when she's ready and worry about if she gets to things on time etc.. she won't. She'll leave all that worrying up to you and when she's late, she'll blame you. Least that's what I did with my mom.

i would leave her. i think that she has had plenty of time to get ready and get things done and it sounds like she is really testing you. good luck:(

I totally agree with Kelli! I'd leave her at home. She'll be mad, but she might learn her lesson.

Natural consequences. I don't think you are being mean. Just teaching her that there are consequences to her actions.

Sounds like a common and typical teen to me. Mine does the same thing. And we do what was recommended above.

"Chelsie, we are leaving at 12, ready or not.".....

Puts it on her. I am always here, willing to help her get ready, etc. But I won't be her cattle prod, she's old enough to do it herself.

Oh, and make sure, like with all kids, that you give her a warning. Give her a set list of what needs to be done and by when, a concrete time. So it is fair to put it on her plate after that. Kwim?

Thanks everyone! Well, she didn't go - it was having lunch with the youth group from church and she's just sometimes 'airheaded' about time. She's going to be 15 next month so more than old enough to understand time and how to budget her time to be ready. She's gotten really good with getting ready for school but she just totally blew it with this! I know that she's here just a few more years and that she needs to learn to manage herself - I ALSO don't want to be a cattle prod and I feel like I'm always doing that with her. If it's important for her to go, I'll prod her but if it's for something that's not as important (such as this), I'll let her reap the consequences. She didn't give me a hard time about not going - just kind of looked shocked. Oh well! Next time she'll be sure she'll be showered and unload the dishwasher in the hour and a half, huh?

Ann

Good job mama.

Ever wonder how it can be so hard? I never thought this part of parenting would be SO flippin hard. I hate being the "bad guy". That book love and logic really has taken that somewhat off my hands though. The basic jist of it is.. if they learn the lesson when they are young, it costs them a lot less. Like.. this time, she just missed out on a luncheon. But when she's older, it could mean her job, her college education/grades (in some classes I took not long ago, if you missed more than three classes, you failed.. use to be in college they didn't care if you showed or not.. now, because of scholorships and such, they keep track of it like a hawk) or worse. But man does it still suck to step back and let them teach themselves lessons when something SO simple could keep it from happening. If they'd just LISTEN to all the awsome wisdom we have to share *LOL*. Anyway.. the book basically says to treat them more like an adult. You wouldn't tsk tsk your neigbor if she missed her hair appointment.. you'd just say "I'm so sorry! That totally bites!"
Do the same with your kids and show true compasion.. that way you are on "thier side" and they can't lay any of the blame on you. If you show real empathy, she'll fully understand that YOU didn't keep her from going.. she did.. and you won't even have to say it. It's kinda cool actually.

Wanna hear something funny? I use the love and logic book's widom with my husband ALL the time.. and it SO works. Now, things get done without my nagging him all the time ;)