Our oldest ds is 9 and he is very materialistic. It makes me so sad. We've tried setting limits, to no avail. He cares so much about his stuff--no matter what it is. We don't buy, buy, buy, so it's not like we're showering him with things all the time. I'll admit that he has been rather "blessed" in his life with things, but no more than your average child.

It's getting to the point where he is putting his stuff before people. That's not ok, IMO. He has a fit if his 2 yo brother touches something of his, but he thinks nothing of playing with Owen's stuff when he wants to. How do we even start to fix this? :(

Oh, I'm glad you asked this!! :( I have no advice but will be sadly watching this thread with you for advice. 5 year old has turned so materialistic the last 6 months and I know why but can't change that so I desperately need to learn to change his perspective and combat it.

Wow! Thanks for the trip down memory lane. My older children are all well balanced in being able to share, but it wasn't always like that. I have always allowed my children a few of their own special possessions that were their's exclusively. However, they had to share everything else and if they didn't, it was taken away. Over the years I have had NO QUALMS in throwing items away, if it brought division into our family. PERIOD. Things are things and they will never replace the need for family and relationships.

~~Susannah (who most likely will be tested on this today with the 5 and 2 year olds)

We are dealing with this too, in my 7 year old dd. I have asked her on occasion to take a paper bag and put things in it she isn't playing with. We bring it to the basement and see how long she goes without missing it.

We've also talked a lot about other kids who have nearly no toys and have discussed taking things to them they might enjoy. We need to kick-start this idea, I think. Empathy is not an inborn quality, IMO, it's learned and taught thru example.

Originally posted by spiritfreedom
We've also talked a lot about other kids who have nearly no toys and have discussed taking things to them they might enjoy. We need to kick-start this idea, I think. Empathy is not an inborn quality, IMO, it's learned and taught thru example.

Oh! GOOD idea! We're going to do this today. :D :thumbsup: Thank you!

Some things are very important to kids, and just having the choice and freedom to say "mine" is critical.

We have *never* forced Ava to share, if she has friends coming over she has to put away anything she doesn't want them to play with. We also empathize with her if we are at someone's house and THEY don't want her to play with some of their things. I remind her that she has special things too, and it's okay to want to keep them safe at times.

That aside, is this something new with your son? Has it developed quickly, or has he always been a bit possessive (moreso than you would expect)?

Thanks mamas.

Well, Jacob was an only child till he was 7 years old and his brother was born. I'm sure that's a big part of it, but back then and up until recently, he really wasn't THAT possessive. I did daycare when he was little, so sharing was never an issue. He's always been very particular about his stuff--he takes really good care of it.

He flips out when Owen (2 years old) touches anything of his. Owen has never broken anything, so I'm not sure where this is stemming from. All I get from Jacob when I ask him why it's a huge deal is that "it's special"--but he says that about EVERYTHING.

Jacob has a lot of things that I agree Owen can't play with (like the little lego pieces, Jacob's gameboy stuff, his trading cards, etc.) so I'm not forcing him to share everything with his brother. It just really makes for a bad family dynamic right now (because when Owen screams about something, Jacob screams too and it makes me scream :*( ).

Jacob also tends to "forget" to do the things I ask of him (mandatory things like "get dressed" or "go brush your teeth") because he's too interested in his "stuff". In the mornings lately he doesn't greet us with "good morning", but "can I play xxxxx?". When I pick him up from school, it's not "hi mom" but "can I xxxxx?". I'm sooooo tired of it.

We've scaled back a lot of stuff he has. Before Christmas, we purged his toys and got rid of a lot (with his permission, which floored me, but he knew it was because he was getting new things for Christmas and his bday).

I can't help but feel we're creating a green-eyed monster. I don't know what to do about it. We've talked about people who are less fortunate and all that and he agrees. But to actually put his knowledge into motion is a completely different thing. It's not going well. I'm tired of yelling at him. I'm tired of him screaming at his brother not to touch his stuff. We're a family and I don't believe that he should get to be so segregated from the rest of us because of stuff. Stuff is stuff. People are more important. :*(

Honestly? It doesn't sound like a material goods thing. I'd be much more worried if he were obssessed with acquistion. I want, I want, I want -- then gets home and quickly abandons toy.

This sounds like a boundaries issue. "These are mine and those are his." And the obsession with the objects themselves are totally age appropriate.

My husband was asking last night when Max will "get into" something -- be passionate about something of his own choosing. I said, "He is -- gameboy." He said, no, sports or a hobby or something. I said it would happen as he got closer to puberty -- but until then the things he'll get passionate about are more likely to be stress-relieving activities. So some kids start to get passionate about reading (escape) other about games (escape) or computers or a particular thread of imaginative play (ALWAYS wants to play pirates). For Max this is particularly highlighted because we're in the process of selling the house and trying to move and SO much is up in the air.

Chris was thinking he got "into" stuff earlier. I started asking him questions about what he was into -- and for how long -- and he soon realized that indeed soccer came to him in middle school, drama came to him in middle school, everything that carried him through high school was discovered as he approached puberty.

So, anyway -- I'm thinking you're not looking at a character defect so much as a kid who wants help saying, "I am entitled to a specific amount of space on the planet. My needs are important, too."

Since, you know, most two year olds wear their needs on their sleeves (and in their mouths and hands) he may feel he has to be louder and more obnoxious about these demands, too.

I would have him keep the items that he does not want touched in his room. maybe set a rule that they can only be played in there but he can only be in there for 'x' amount of time (so you dont have him being in there for hours at a time)

I have not experianced this so my advice may be null but that is how I feel I would handle it if/when it happens

we have a house rule here that everything is to be shared. kaya used to get upset if Cody touched her things and then soon enough Cody's things became off limit to kaya and she didn't like that one bit....so we tell them to take turns using each other things.

It works. kaya knows she can touch cody's belongings if she lets him touch hers...

Not a lot of advice....but we use the saying..."when you are finished playing with that....I would like a turn" That way the child who's toy it is has some control over the situation.

It works really well in our family and mom and day rarely have to intervene with "sharing" issues.

Just remember....It's hard for a lot of adults to share impt. things too!!! ;)

That is a tough one. I am so not a material kinda of person as an adult. But I remember really loving my "things" as a kid. I didn't have much of anything but the few things I did have, I loved. I worry because DD (who is the only grandchild until our next baby comes) has a lot of things. I wonder if we are setting ourselves up for problems (though at this point, it doesn't seem to be much of one).

Well, not really relating to your OP, but what kind of volunteer work are you guys involved in? I definitely think 9 is old enough to be out there volunteering which will strengthen values of service and people over things.

Emily

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Off topic....snowflake, who did the kiddos tie dye duds?? Way cute!!

I want, I want, I want -- then gets home and quickly abandons toy.

Well, he doesn't abandon toy, but he does the "I want" thing A LOT. What he does do is get something new (like he got a new gameboy advance game for his bday, which is on Christmas Day) he'll eat, sleep and breathe it for weeks. If he's not playing with whatever it is that he's so passionate about at the moment, he's mad. He doesn't stop asking...he thinks of nothing else (including everyone else's feelings) till I get mad enough to set drastic limits or even take it away.

An example of what he's done lately:

In an effort to make his room more Owen-friendly (things he doesn't want Owen to get need to be up where he can't get them), we purged. It's a huge battle to get rid of anything because he says "no...I want to keep that. It's special to me", despite the fact that he hasn't touched said object in 2 years (and didn't even know it still existed till we cleaned up and found it). He did this numerous times.

He had a bin of matchbox type cars in his closet that he hadn't touched or played with in about 3 years. I found them and asked if Owen could play with some of them (Owen LOVES cars) and he said no. Never bothered to even look at them or anything...and there they sat for another few months, untouched.

This morning, Owen picked up Jacob's teddy bear and was hugging it. Jacob saw it, flipped out, took it away from Owen and put it back in his room--to lay on his bed. Of course, Owen doesn't understand why he can't play with teddy--nor do I for that matter. When I ask Jacob why, he says "because it's special to me". Owen isn't going to hurt the teddy bear. He was simply walking around, hugging it.

Now I do realize that Jacob DOES need his special, off-limits things...I never denied him of that and he has A LOT of those kinds of things. But not everything he owns needs to be off-limits and the things he outgrows, he should be able to pass on to his brother, no?

We live in a pretty rural area, so we haven't done much volunteer work, but I did get him to purge a bit before Christmas and the main motivator was because we were going to donate the toys to those who weren't going to have much of a Christmas. He felt really good about being able to do that. I was very proud of him. He is compassionate, but it's almost like the green-eyed monster takes over and I can't snap him out of it, kwim?

Originally posted by brayg
In an effort to make his room more Owen-friendly (things he doesn't want Owen to get need to be up where he can't get them), we purged. It's a huge battle to get rid of anything because he says "no...I want to keep that. It's special to me", despite the fact that he hasn't touched said object in 2 years (and didn't even know it still existed till we cleaned up and found it). He did this numerous times.


I'll preface my response by saying I'm *not* in your shoes and I don't know exactly what the situation is to see it. But I was 8 when my half-brother was born and 11 when my half-sister was born and we had to share EVERYTHING with our siblings -- but we could declare our own room off limits to our siblings and keep things that were precious to us there.

It's *very* hard to be the big kid when there is a very little one around. They're expected to be so mature and the little guy seems to get away with murder. Every diaper change, every feeding, every "he doesn't know better, he's only two" reinforces that feeling that you are no longer that special. When kids are more closely spaced -- there's less of an adjustment period. But I know when the twins were very small and we weeded out Max's board book supply so that the twins could have some books, he was only ready to let go of about 1/3 of the books. I didn't push it. Over time he would pull books out of that shelf to share with them and by the time the twins were two he was ready to give them all but the most precious of those books.

When the twins turned two anything that belonged to Max was WAY more valuable than their stuff. If it was Max's it was magic. And if I had told him he had to share all that stuff -- well, he'd have had no safe space.

So we put up a baby gate in the door way of his room. He had absolute power to control who could come in and who could not. As the year went on, he proved that he could be very generous with this. Likewise, the twins learned that if they *asked* to touch something, he usually gave permission. It was a lesson for them both -- that it feels good to share and that if you want someone to share with you -- you treat their stuff with respect.

I'm blessed in that my three boys rarely fight. Max has more stuff than a lot of kids and he has gone through greedy periods that were very frustrating. But I was never able to resist getting the boys toys and other things they like :) Still, as he's aged, Max has displayed a tendency not to become more materialistic but to trust that there is, indeed, enough for all.

I feel strongly that giving him permission to set his own boundaries was a part of this. OUTSIDE of his room, by the way, items were considered public property. It is a venal sin in this household to walk up to another kid and say, that's mine, and walk away. If a sibling has something you want -- you approach with an item for trade. Otherwise -- it should have been in your room.

And -- I make sure that Max respects THEIR room and the items they keep in there.

Anyway -- Your description sounds like a child who needs his own space, not a child who suffers from materialism. My counsel would be to make his room an Owen FREE zone, and insist that items outside of that room be shared and shared alike, but "precious" items must be kept in his room where they will be out of sight and out of mind for Owen. Then your big kid can feel his boundaries are respected -- but understand also that he can't tease his brother with his things and that everything outside of that room is for the entire family to use and share.

and then a 4 yr old boy and 6 yr old girl. The 10 yr old has her own room and she has to keep her things in there if she isnt using them elsewhere in the house and the younger kids are not allowed in her room unless she invites them. She has breakable collectibles (dragon statues for example), a collection of fossils, a few collectible stuffed animals etc. And I don't begrudge her that AT ALL or feel it is selfish or materialistic of her not to want to share those items.

Personally, from your examples, if I were in your place I would tell him the cars are ready to be passed down and that he hasnt looked at them for 3 years and it is time to let his little brother get some enjoyment out of them. Unless he came up with a SUPER compelling reason why he wanted to keep the cars (like his favorite uncle who died gave them to him and he is saving them for his children!) then they should go to his little brother to enjoy.

The bear though I can totally see him not wanting a toddler to handle. I don't know about your 2 yr old but all my kids when they were two and the two yr old girl I tend weekdays, are/were pretty slobbery and runny nosey at that stage. I mean a stuffed animal cant be washed too many times before it becomes ratty looking and one slobbery kiss or runny nose from little brother could wreck it. My oldest keeps the tags even on her animals as they are collectibles, so even a bent tag will decrease the value if she were to want to ebay them or something. So even though he has never broken items of your older son that doesnt mean he never will or might not damage them accidentally in some way, and I think your oldest needs to be able to have a safe space to keep his belongings and not be forced to share most things. One thing that can be good is something like a train table in the living room that is a joint gift to both and is there for everyone to use and enjoy with no ownership. Although I guess they are so far apart maybe there are no items they would both enjoy.

Anyway, I think it will come with time that he will share or pass stuff down to his brother but with the age difference I feel he is not unreasonable in wanting those limits and it doesnt make him an overly materialistic person.

What you said about obsessing over the games was more of a concern to me and in that case I would think about limiting game time and it isnt so much an issue of "materialism" but just too much screen time and maybe some limits need to be set there.

Your description sounds like a child who needs his own space, not a child who suffers from materialism.

Thank you for your post. I appreciate the thought and time that went into it. I can see a lot of our "situation" in what you posted too.

To clarify, Jacob's room is his own haven. His own place. I've never made it a place that he HAD to welcome his toddler brother. For a while, we had a baby gate in the doorway so Jacob could have his space and not be shut away from the rest of the house. Then, when Owen would stand at the gate and be upset to see what was going on, we did resort to closing the door. Now that Owen can open doors, we've put one of those safety covers on the doorknob and it keeps him out. But the problem isn't really wanting too keep Owen out of his room--I know that Jacob really would love to not have to be shut away from everyone if he wants to play with his stuff. I figured it'd help everyone involved if Jacob's room could be a welcoming, inviting place that had the special things up high, out of Owen's reach (and preferrably his sight as well).

Yesterday, we worked for 3 hourse to get things organized and put up high. My dh is actually, as I type this, installing a new closet organizer in Jacob's room. It has wire shelves that will give him a lot of storage options and keep it all out of sight/reach from Owen. Hopefully that will work.

Originally posted by MamaJosie
The bear though I can totally see him not wanting a toddler to handle. I don't know about your 2 yr old but all my kids when they were two and the two yr old girl I tend weekdays, are/were pretty slobbery and runny nosey at that stage. I mean a stuffed animal cant be washed too many times before it becomes ratty looking and one slobbery kiss or runny nose from little brother could wreck it. My oldest keeps the tags even on her animals as they are collectibles, so even a bent tag will decrease the value if she were to want to ebay them or something. So even though he has never broken items of your older son that doesnt mean he never will or might not damage them accidentally in some way, and I think your oldest needs to be able to have a safe space to keep his belongings and not be forced to share most things. One thing that can be good is something like a train table in the living room that is a joint gift to both and is there for everyone to use and enjoy with no ownership. Although I guess they are so far apart maybe there are no items they would both enjoy.



We do have a train table that they both enjoy playing, actually. I've been trying to get things that I know they will both enjoy--it's sometimes difficult with a 7 year age gap, but that was God's choice, not mine. ;)

Owen doesn't slobber, chew or snot...he was simply hugging the bear while sitting on the couch. That, I don't understand.

Something else I've always made clear to Jacob--if Owen does break something of his, I will replace whatever it is that he breaks. Of course, I know I can't replace items that are one-of-a-kind or sentimental, but those are the items I never ask Jacob to allow Owen to play with, kwim? :)

We have a bit of the same going on here... Gino HATES having anyone touch his stuff, and honestly Adriana is a little tornado- talk about seek & destroy.

We tell him to keep it put up, we put a lock on his door- we have a key, and have a spare in our room as well... if he doesn't shut and lock his own door, it's his own problem.
Now, we do not, for any reason allow him to lock his door when he's in there... it's just so the little ones don't get in there when he's not there, as they take his stuff, and well, I just feel he needs his privacy too.

This has helped us tremendously, now if something gets broke, or put in the wrong spot, etc... he is the only one to blame.

And after about a month, he started letting her come in and play while he was in there, so it worked out for the best.

Oh, and another thing, both of my boys have went through a stage, Gino a few years ago, and Dominick is still going through it, where they had to know they were in charge, and that they could make decisions. It was odd, and is hard to explain, but I think it's just part of growing up.


Maybe he just wants to be able to make the decisions.

Have you tried talking to him about it?

BTW~ How is he liking his new school?

materialistic and spoiled. I wasn't so much the spoiler, giving in to his demands but dh was. Dh's philosophy was that a kid needed things and the very best of things to realize their potential!!!!!
I finally HAD it and told him that we were both the parents and my values were being discarded and we needed to change our parenting to reflect the reality of a kid growing up and not having money to spend on things.

He was always very good about sharing his stuff though and passing it on down.

About 4 years ago, when my ds was 10 I told him

"We haven't done you any favors. You don't have a realistic view of the world. I spent the first 10 years spoiling you and now I'm going to spend the next ten undoing what I did! I am doing this for YOU. You need to deal with delayed gratification and with wishes for things you don't get"

Occasionally we would get a huge fuss about an 'I want' but he has calmed down and he is far less spoiled and materialistic now and is feeling pride when he does not ask for something or asks for it and reconsiders how much he really wants it.

Originally posted by JodiM
Have you tried talking to him about it?

BTW~ How is he liking his new school?

Yeah, we've done a lot of talking and he actually agrees, but he's having a hard time putting those thoughts into action. :(

He LOVES his new school! Best decision we've made in a long time! :D

Originally posted by freedomlover
"We haven't done you any favors. You don't have a realistic view of the world. I spent the first 10 years spoiling you and now I'm going to spend the next ten undoing what I did! I am doing this for YOU. You need to deal with delayed gratification and with wishes for things you don't get"

Occasionally we would get a huge fuss about an 'I want' but he has calmed down and he is far less spoiled and materialistic now and is feeling pride when he does not ask for something or asks for it and reconsiders how much he really wants it.

That's exactly what we've been trying to do as well. He does have a very skewed idea of what the "real world" is. He doesn't have any idea how to deal with delayed gratification and he needs to learn that.

What type of financial lessons do you guys teach? Have you started yet? I think allowances and having to save money for things is VITAL. It really teaches kids the value of time/work/money/things.

Just another thought.

Emily

A lot of times, if he wants something, he needs to buy it for himself. And what I do is compare the cost of what he wants to something else I know he wants and say, "ok...you can get one of these or 3 of these for that price" and make sure he knows what he's doing.

I honestly think he sounds totally normal. Kids, and adults, are often into their stuff...it's ok! He may need help seeing there is fun in other things too, but it's normal to be into his stuff, and to be possessive. My kids were all, and are, like that from time to time...

I also think he is totally normal to not want his little brother to touch his stuff. I remember going out and buying a new Barbie for Justin and Sarah, each, because he so dearly wanted to play with her, with hers. I did not want to "punish" her for not wanting to share (I want my kids to learn to want to share, not be forced into it), so I got both of them a new one. He was then able to "be like her" and play along with her, and she grew a new appreciation for him being able to play alongside her...pretty soon, she was sharing all her Barbie, cars, etc. LOL.

Same with his things...he got a Leapster about a year ago, and it took him forever to want to share it. I never foreced it, but would ask if maybe there was something of Sarah's that she could offer him in trade for sharing it with her. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not. But it's always been their choice.

And now that they are all older, 6, almost 8 and almost 14, they share well for the most part. A few items of their own that they would never share, but those are usually items no one wants anyhow, like a beloved stuffed toy, special book, etc.

And when we buy something for the whole house, we announce it as such, so they know it's to be shared. Sometimes, like with the computer, we have to set a timer to make sure sharing goes well. This also takes the pressure and "blame" off of us...hey, the TIMER went off, Sarah's turn, rather than us having to be the bearer of the bad news. LOL.

I am sure in time he will share. Really. And you want him to want to share, willingly. (o: He will, I am sure.

For being obsessed with getting home to play, etc., you could limit the time on the "bad items"...if he's watching too much tv, playing too much Gameboy, set some limits. Daily time. Etc. But if it's something productive that he is asking for and rushing home for? Like Legos, cars, coloring, arts, etc??? I'd encourage that! It's great! If you want to be with him more, ask to play along, sit with him, etc. If he's not getting enough outside or active play, set a few days a week for a park time. Get some new family outdoor stuff (balls, frisbee, sidewalk chalk, etc.) and do it together, all of you. Things like that. (o:

As for always wanting stuff...that is a rut we got into also. Buying, getting, wanting them to have...It got out of hand, for us money wise, and them...wanting more and more and more... It's a good thing to create lists of things he wants. Tell him something like "Oh, that does look fun! Lets put it on your wish list for your upcoming birthday/Xmas"....or see if he wants to earn money for it. Or have him create a wish list for b-day and Xmas, and pick from it now and then. I set a rule that no new toys, etc. unless Xmas or a b-day. The kids know to write their wish on their lists. Many times 80% of the stuff was an impulse "want", and later it gets crossed off. Sometimes, for Valentines and Easter, or even a special "just cause", we will buy something off their list. They don't know about it, or expect it...it just happens. If it's something they really want and now, and I know it's a real want, I will sometimes let them earn the money by doing chores for or with me.

Good luck....:)

Thanks! :)

I *think* we're making progress. For the last 2 days, we've set limits. We'll keep plugging away. His closet is done now, too, so all of his beloved stuff is put away. :D

my 8 YO dd is going through this too. i thought she was alone in this! i am so glad to see that it is *normal*
we have three kids-8, 4, and almost 3. they used to share so well, and now they don't. it is the same thing, they want their toys on their conditions, and they want the other toys too. the oldest is really getting into the don't touch my stuff mode. we try to keep some of her stuff away from the little ones, but sometimes she leaves it out and then freaks if it gets touched.
i am so glad to see we are not alone!
heather