I need advice on handling a tough situation.

My nephew (Joshua) is 5 years old. He is an only child. Although he only lives about 30 mins away we only see them occasionally.

This little boy is VERY into private parts. Every time he comes to my house we catch him trying to pull DS's pants down. When we spent Christmas with the inlaws all the kids were in the basement playing and my DS...who is 6. Came running upstairs to tell us that Joshua asked Jeremiah (my 4 year old) to pull his pants down.

This stuff has been going on for well over a year. Last evening my in-laws came to visit and picked Josh up on their way so that the kids could play together.

I was checking on them FREQUENTLY because I am just not comfortable with his "curosity". DH went to check on the kids at one point and Josh had Gracie's panties down and was looking at her bum.

As far as I know there has not been any touching. However, I just don't want my kids to spend time with him right now. We have caught him wanting to see Jeremiah's bum at least 4 or 5 times.

My MIL says it's nothing...a normal childhood curosity becuase he is an only child. I'm not convinced. I am really scared that he has been abused.

He gets in BIG trouble from his parents everytime this happens. Last night MIL told me she wasn't going to say anything to his mom and dad because she thinks they are too hard on him. She left it up to me that if I want to call SIL and tell her I can.

I told her that if it was my child I would want to know and I would be mad if I wasn't told.

So, what do I do??

My children know that they can touch and look at their own bodies, but noone else is to touch or look at their private parts. They have been curious at times, but not like this. It's just weird.

Thanks for reading this far. I am at my wit's end. BIL and SIL want to babysit for us so we can go out sometime and I just don't want to leave the kids there with him.

I love him...he's not a bad kid. I just don't know why he is so preoccupied with this.

Thanks for reading this far.
:heart:

:eek: I wouldn't be comfortable w/ that either...

Don't know if I have any advice except if it makes you uncomfortable, then follow your instincts.

Iy yi yi. I wouldnt let him out of your sight if hes at your house.And it sure doesnt sound like normal behaviour to me.Has he not been taught about boundaries,or have consequenses for pulling other kids pants down?

Id keep him away from my kids (sorry if it sounds harsh,but your kids protection is #1).

{{{{{hug}}}}}

He gets spanked pretty harshly every time it happens. :wah:

That is why MIL didn't want to tell his parents.

Last evening they ended up coming down to the living room to play and weren't allowed out of our sight. From now on when he comes here that will just be the rule.

I am just nervous about my kids going there to visit. They gave us a gift certificate for a local restaurant for christmas and want to watch the kids when we go out.

I'm just going to have to talk to SIL I guess. I am NOT comfortable with that at all.

It is very normal for 4-5yo to be curious about their bodies. However, if I weren't comfortable with it, I would make sure to not let it be able to happen, like you have, keep them in your sight. But, it is a very normal thing, and I think that the harsh reaction that he has gotten may be enforcing the behaviour. Yk, how kids want to do the forbidden? But it is a normal healthy thing for kids to be curious & want to explore. They do need boundaries, and need to know that if others aren't comfortable with it, it's not allowed. It's not a sexual thing for them, it's curiosity.

Oh,man :( Im sorry,I didnt realize :( Poor kid.Man,I dont envy your situation.

All kids are curious,but it sounds like he is a bit more then just curious...sounds like something more is going on,no?

I wouldn't consider that normal curiosity for a 5 year old. It would be a red flag for me, and the harsh consequences he gets when caught would be further reason for me to wonder what's going on. Sure, 5yo's (especially boys) are obsessed with body parts, potty language, that kind of thing, but normal 5yo's should have an understanding of control over that impulse. Even my 3yo understands when enough is enough of the poop talk, lol. Pulling other children's pants down is way beyond the line of appropriate curiosity, and would make me wonder where it's coming from.

I was abused, and have worked with abused children before as well, and this is one of the biggest signs of the possibility of something being up. In your situation, I'm not sure what I'd do. I would limit together time between he and your kids. I might call CPS, depending on my gut feeling. If the parents are approachable, I might approach them and open a dialogue. Perhaps their harsh reaction is out of frustration. Perhaps they are trying to hide something. Perhaps it hasn't occurred to them that something may be going on elsewhere (I was abused at school, it happens). It's possible there is nothing going on abuse wise, but maybe there is a medical condition or something that is impeding his ability to be appropriate. Does he have any other learning challenges, or behavioral challenges other than this one? I think impulse control (or lack of) is a symptom of several disorders that could be treated, if they're caught.

I understand your not wanting to get the child into trouble (I wouldn't either) but you will feel worse if you find out something WAS going on and you didn't do anything. Perhaps you are meant to help here, as difficult as that sounds.

(((hugs))) mama. I hope you can figure something out. You could buy him the book "everybody poops", lol. If he is just really curious about stuff like that, he'd love it.

My boy is 4.5 and has many little friends the same age and we've never seen them do anything like that. I do however remember being a little kid and playing "you show me yours I'll show you mine" (aka playing "doctor")with other kids. Totally a curiosity thing, I think to check out what everybody else had. So I guess it could be normal or not normal way depending on other aspects of his behavior. it does seem to me though, if he's been told to stop (and punished for it :mad: ) that he would stop unless he does have a disorder of some kind hidering his ability to not act on his impulses. Maybe if you talk to his mom you can ask her to PLEASE not beat him for it - maybe take him to a doctor instead. :( I hope it gets worked out without the child having to suffer anymore, mama!

~Jo
ETA: I think if a child is getting physically abused for something he's done to your child, that gives you the RIGHT to get involved!!!

follow your instinct--if it doesn't feel right it's not!!

none of my boys did this-but i remember playing the 'you show me your and i'll show you mine' game as a child.....come to find out later.....the cousin who started it was in fact being molested....................protect your kids and do what you can to help your nephew at the same time....even if you piss off a few adults in the meantime.


luna

most likely he has been "messed with" either by an adult or another child. Is he in daycare? Is he left alone with other children for long periods of time?

This happened with both my boys once they started day care... with public restrooms and unsupervision curiosity kicks in but then you have some children who are abused who will even at the young age of 5(even younger) abuse another child. (sad huh?)

:mad:

Originally posted by elfmaker
i remember playing the 'you show me your and i'll show you mine' game as a child.....come to find out later.....the cousin who started it was in fact being molested


luna

Hmmm, that's am interesting point. The cousin who started this game when I was a kid grew up to have HUGE problems. He's been in prison for quite awhile. Not sure if he was molested, but he is definately a sociopath with seemingly no knowledge of right vs. wrong. :(

Please dont jump to conclusions on the abuse thing.
I have known children whos parents have dealt with strange sexual curiousity in their children and it devestates them! Soem have spanked their children becuase nothing else has worked.

That popped into mind thinking of your family.

When I was 5, my male play mate and I were curious and woudl show each other our stuff.

We knew it was private, but we were curious still. I was not ever touched or spoen to inappropriately at that time although I had walked in on my parents having sex PLENTY!

I too woudl keep close eye on the children and I would talk to the mom so that she may keep a good eye on the chidlren as well.

It is no fun visitng with people when you have to be "on end" with the visit.
Sorry you are going through this mama

He gets spanked harshly for doing it???? Oh, yea, that's gonna make it all change and all better. :rolleyes: How very, very sad.

Normal exploring happens. Show me stuff happens. But if it's constant? It could be a concern. Maybe, yes, past molestation? Or a babysitter "showing and asking to see" type thing? Or even the fact that he started doing it as normal, and his parents made a huge issue out of it, BY spanking him? Could be many things....normal and not.

I am just sad that he will get punished for you talking to his parents about it. If it was me? I'd not talk to them. Does not sound like they'd look into it much, and would simply call him "bad" and spank him. Very sad.

If it was me? I'd talk to him myself.

Originally posted by ~Denise~


If it was me? I'd talk to him myself.

Me too.

This is a tough one. It could be normal, could be due to abuse or other issues. It's normal for kids to explore, but if he *knows*not to do it and is still always trying to pull kids pants down, that would raise a flag in my mind.

I agree w/Denise about talking to the boy, not his parents. Their behavior could be what is causing the behavior.

I'm so sorry mama, what a hard situation. I would definitely be cautious until you find out what is going on.

Kristi

I have been in a similar spot and unsure how to handle it. My husband's cousin is 5 yrs old. On Thanksgiving she and my 2 boys were playing. Apparently her mom went to check in on them and she and my oldest son (6) had nothing on. Her dad freaked, I was angry - but didn't know the story (ie who to be upset with).

My son said "she said she wanted me to take my clothes off - so I did. She made me." We had a talk about that not being ok. If she asks you to do that again, you come tell me.

I as thinking this was just curiousity - so I didn't make a big issue out of it. Then she slept over recently. I had her sleep in my daughters room. I watched them close and nothing happened. figured that was a 1 time deal.

Next morning I laid her clothes out on my daughters floor. Told her to go in and change. Got my boys stuff ready in their room and had them go in to change. I went to get my daughter's diaper. I came back up stairs and heard "Chris take off your underpants." I FLEW into the room. She had brought her stuff intheir room. We had a discussion - she and I. I don't care if I was overstepping parental bounds. This is my child she is trying to explore. KWIM?

I'd sit him down and ask round about questions. Ask about school, friends etc. Things he likes to do. Curiousity. What is and isn't ok.

I was thinking that maybe his parents are embarassed by this behavior and in addition don't sound like parents who try to get to the root of the problem if ykwim. Maybe with all the spankings and stuff no one has ever taken the time to explain to him what's appropriate and what's not. It just amazes me that some parents think that if you beat your kid he'll automatically know why what he did was wrong!:confused: