curious how differently we all think on this topic as well~

say your teen came to you and told you he wanted to get high (mj), wwyd?

drink a beer?

drink a 6pk of beer?

do a shot of tequila?

do several shots?

thoughts on this?

I'd tell him that as long as he lives under MY roof he has to follow MY rules ;)

ETA I mean no intoxication in the house, no alcohol, cigarette, drugs, tea or coffee.

Oi. We're really hitting the hard topics. I would have to, again, tell them the physical reality about drugs/alcohol. I would have to tell them they do not have my blessing to do those things, until of legal age to drink, and cannot condone drugs, ever, simply because they are illegal.

We've approached some of these things already with the kids.


ETA: We do let the (older) kids have small sips of champange or wine for special occasions, and a small glass of mead or beer here or there for special occasions.

But I have to disagree about alcoholism being an American ill. I think our culture has something to do with it, same as our attitudes about sex, but chemical addiction is also quite genetic, imho. I am quite sure there are plenty of European alcoholics.

Originally posted by Bethanydear


But I have to disagree about alcoholism being an American ill. I think our culture has something to do with it, same as our attitudes about sex, but chemical addiction is also quite genetic, imho. I am quite sure there are plenty of European alcoholics.

Yes, Europeans beat you all, beleive me I know what I'm talking about ;)

I have to say that I agree with mamax4. WE don't make alcohol into a forbidden fruit really...My daughter (almost 13) got to have about a shot glass worth of wine with an equal amount of water with dinner the other night. When my brother in law (who works for New Belguim Brewery- Think Fat Tire Beer) got back from his brewery tour in belguim, we did a beer tasting with him, and my daughter got to try sips of the different beers just like the rest of us. She pretty quickly discovered that like me, she doesn't like most beer. (but I was surprised to find 2 kinds of beer that I did like). When we had an eggnog making contest for Christmas eve, she got to sip the nogs, alcoholic and non, to help judge.

But in our family we just don't "DRINK" much,,,we enjoy wine with dinner occasionally, I enjoy a holiday punch called "Ponche" (A tradition in Mexico) that you generally add a bit of tequilia to...of course family gatherings always have beer because my BIL works for a microbrewery. But it isn't like a case of Bud, it is a glass of a yummy micro brew with that pizza dinner. It is different. you know?

I guess I always appreciated the European mindset of alcohol,,it just isn't this big deal. I guess by not making it this thing that looks so alluring and is so tempting to kids, then they just grow up with an "eh" attitude about it. Not that I think it should be legal to purchase alcohol at a young age...but I think it is entirely appropriate for parents to teach their children responsible drinking, an appreciation for the taste and a healthy respect for the negative impact of drinking more than a little.

well, my parents (esp my mom) was very relaxed about drugs/ alcohol when we were teens. She didn't buy um for us but just never talked to us about it and it wasn't a big deal when my brothers were caught partying. Kids will be kids right! My brothers still ended up in juvenile detention because of things they did while high or drunk. My older brothers both ended up doing coke in their early 20s, My older sister at 28 finally grew out of the partying stage...including clubbing & ecstasy.

while these things didn't happen just because of my parents attitude towards drugs and alcohol...in went hand in hand with them not teaching us self-respect and self-worth.

Even if you don't make it alluring, their friends will. I'll tell you one thing, now that my bros & I have grown up, we've all agreed that we wished our parents gave us rules & boundaries & cared more about our whereabouts & activities.

I don't even let Kaya or Cody drink soda...so you can count on me never offering them alcohol. Drugs will never be condoned.

I think dh and I are very open about 'issues' like this, we try talking to the kids often.. and my oldest has lots of questions.

However, in a way I have been blessed to have a pitiful excuse of a ex, who has been both a druggie and a alcoholic.... and both of my boys are totally disgusted by him.
They both swear they will never drink.. as they have seen firsthand how easily it destroys someone's life.

Now all that being said, we do drink occasionally *VERY* occasionally, ponche, wine on occasion, and every once in a while my husband will have a beer.

We are very strong in our opinions on drugs, and as soon as the kids are old enough to seem 'interested' in drugs, I will do what my brother did to me... take them to see someone so strung out they are now a vegetable (worked for me, I smoked pot one time (at 14) and then after that, never touched another thing in my life)

My parents were never open with us, but they did one thing I think was just wonderful... they had a 'open phone' policy for my brother, and I and all of our friends.
If we were out and drinking, or with someone who was drinking... we could always call them for a ride home.
I never drank, still really don't... but I know my brother called twice where he was out with someone who was drinking and didn't want to get in the car with him.

And my brothers friend John would call my parents for rides home, they even went to pick him up in Chicago 1 time (about a hour from where we lived in the 'burbs)

mamas, listen to my question...

wwyd if they...fill in the blank here with everything in my above post...???

nobody's said what they would say or do in that situation.

My oldest has always been allowed to sample a sip when we drink whcih is New Years, Christmas and Thanksgiving. She has no desire to drink at all.
Also when we talked about drugs I tried to convince her that pot wasn't that bad, that I had smoked when I was in Jr and High School and it didn't effect me. SHE was the one telling me that I was crazy and that it is bad for you.
Right now her and her boyfriend are straight edge meaning they don'y drink or smoke don't have sex and they are veges. She also doesn't even drink soda except when she is sick she will drink 7 UP.
Growing up I was always allowed to have sips of wine or beer and I hate to drink. I thik denying kids stuff just makes them want to try it more.
Mindi

pass out

i don't know what i would say. my parents made such a big deal of it that i started drinking in 8th grade. i drank in hs and college. not as much as some friends, but certainly more than my parents thought.
my oldest is 8. she has sniffed beer and found it disgusting. she sipped a wine cooler and thought it was ok. i will let them try a sip of something around me if they ask. if they ask for shots or drugs, i would say no. for some reason, in my mind that seems worse.
so if they asked for a beer, or a glass of wine, and they were going to be home and be supervised, i would probably say yes. all the others are a no.
is that what you were looking for as far as answering the question?
heather

We follow the law in this home. At least I try to, when I know exactly what that law is. No drinking under the age, and no illegal drugs.
If my child told me they wanted to drink and do drugs I would talk to them. I would also have them visit a prison, and an NA/AA meeting so they could hear about other peoples' experiences. I have friends who are addicts and recovering addicts and I don't want my child suffering like that.
As for the drinking, I suppose my detective bil could help my child out with that one. He has access to info, pictures, videos etc.. also what the law is.

say your teen came to you and told you he wanted to get high (mj), wwyd?

I would tell him what it will do to him, and that while I can't make his mind up for him, I would hope that he realized all of the negative effects it would have on him (Especially the one about what's gonig to happen to him when mom finds out :D)

drink a beer?
Again, tell him I hope he never would... and remind him about what alcohol does to him

drink a 6pk of beer?
Again, tell him I hope he never would... and remind him about what alcohol does to him

do a shot of tequila?
I dunno, this one I might give in and let him do, just for the simple fact that it would probably cause alot of sputtering, choking, burning, and then vomitting. HMMM, that was a hard one. LOL
(J/K- no way, no how are we going to ok our kids drinking!)

do several shots?
Again, tell him I hope he never would... and remind him about what alcohol does to him

thoughts on this?
I don't see where there is a thought process to this, as parents we love our children, and protect them.
we are their PARENTS, not their friends/buddies.
We are supposed to explain the dangers of things to them, not say it's ok to do it, as long as you tell me about it.

Originally posted by Mamax4

Here's my question: What would you say if your child told you he was going to his room to masturbate all day?

Here's what i would say: Please close your door.

:joker:

LOL

This would be my response... and maybe a smart allec comment about not making any noises where we could hear

Kas, are you asking what we would say if they came to us and said they WANT to xyz, or that they DID xyz? Or am I missing the question entirely? Help a sister, I'm clueless here?!

Laurie- gotcha

:thumbsup: I do agree with the European more blase attitude about alcohol.

And LMAO LMAO LMAO!!! "Close the door"

Bethany

I don't have teens, all my answers on these kind of threads are based on how I will handle it when the time comes.

If my teen told me they wanted to get high, I'd try to find out why. Then I would explain why I don't think it's a good idea. I'd also explain that in our house, we have certain rules and drugs, alcohol and tobacco are not tolerated.

I'd also inform her that although I can't make her decisions for her, there are consquences of her choices. I'd explain those consequences, the good and the bad.

Also, my children will know that if we ever find them doing something illegal, we'll turn them in.

And finally, if they chose to break our rules while living under our roof, they will no longer be allowed to live under our roof.

I think if I'm honest, open and sincere with my kids, and especially if they know that I love them and the reasons behind the choices and rules we have, I hope and think my children will make smart decisions.

I'll also love and support them through their unwise choices, but will not encourage or allow it in my home. Meaning, I'd turn them if for something illegal, but I'd also foot the bill for court costs, bail, etc.

Dh and I feel the same way and we talk about this often. I think preparing ourselves for all scenarios, both the ones we'd like and the ones we wouldn't will help us be prepared if the occasion ever arises.

And fwiw, I've never touched alcohol, drugs or tobacco, so I'm not asking or teaching them to do anything I haven't done myself. I think that makes it easier for me than for others.

oh and as for the "m" issue, you probably already know what I'm going to say if you read the last thread :p

I'd take the door off or make him sit in the living room or something.

I'm not stupid enough to think that kids can't do what they want when I'm not around, but I'm also not going to just sit and allow it.

experimentation.

did you do it and did you let your parents know ahead if time?

not sharing any more at this point since i know the backlash it'll ensue.

aw hell, i don't care.

i've taught my kids to come to me if they're ever curious about smoking pot, drinking, basically all the stuff *most* kids try along the way to adulthood. i don't encourage them to try things, but the fact is, i'd rather they do it in the safety of our home-supervised, than in the back of a car on the roads, or a park-like i used to.

i've also left the door open for '911 emergency need a ride home' calls for them and any friends that may find themselves stuck in an unsafe place, regardless of the time of day/night.

blast away. my kid doesn't drink, smoke, have sex, or get into fights. not yet anyway ;) (i'm against the fighting-but threw that in since there are so many kids fighting in school where we are.)

Originally posted by CincoDeMama
curious how differently we all think on this topic as well~

say your teen came to you and told you he wanted to get high (mj), wwyd?

drink a beer?

drink a 6pk of beer?

do a shot of tequila?

do several shots?

thoughts on this?

My thoughts on all of the above would be "No". Just because my child wants to do something, doesn't mean he will get to do so. Since it's my home, and my rules, there will be no drinking, smoking, or drugs. When they are old enough to move out and get their own home, they will be old enough to make their own choices about such things without me needing to be part of the decision.
What my child chooses to do behind my back, is up to him, and between him and God. I hope that I have been clear enough with them that they understand that when they do things in private, God still sees and judges. Just because "I" don't see what they've done and they don't get immediate punishment, doesn't mean that they got away with it or that it's only wrong to "me". I would hope that knowing we don't approve would help to give them guilt if they ever choose to do it anyways, behind our backs.

mamas, listen to my question... wwyd if they...fill in the blank here with everything in my above post...???

OK, LOL, I hear ya!

What would I do? Big sigh. Hmmm? Think. Think. Think.

My daughter is 14 and one day came home with her friend. They were being silly - as 14 yr old girls will be. My daughter asks, with real excitement, "Oooo - can Lauren and I taste the watermelon liquor!? Can we!? Can we!? Pleeeeeeeease!!!!!!".

I laughed. Rolled my eyes. And said "Sure! Whatever!"

I think they split a shot. I was in the room with them but purposely turned my back and kept busy with whatever I was doing so they wouldn't feel watched or judged. I figured if I said "No!" then their curiosity would still exist and perhaps one day they would be at Lauren's house, without a mom present, and have a taste of watermelon liquor, and maybe the story wouldn't end so well.

So what would I do if my kid seriously wanted to experience getting high? (I really don't want to be flamed here so this is really hard to say) Seeing as I already educate and enlighten my kids in good responsible behavior on a daily basis and I really do not presently see them at risk of Addictive/Alcoholic behavior --- I would probably say "Ok, lets have a go at that!" and maybe (just saying MAYBE here because I haven't been in this position yet!) split a 6-pack with him.

I think the idea does deserve some merit. This way you can get a feel for how your kid acts/reacts under the influence and you have a clear cut real life example of how judgement is impaired and can point it out. Plus bonding (I feel flames already). I think you have the opportunity to represent something to your child - and it's not a message that you are irresponsible - quite the contrary IMO. Anyway - I have my reasons for saying what I am. I am not naive or uneducated in my response here. I have a degree in Psychology. I have worked for many years in social work. I have a 14 year old. I was a teenager. My father is a Drug and Alcohol Counselor. My father is also a 'recovering alcoholic'. I think my opinion is a pretty educated one. But then again - it's still my opinion, and it's still not completely representative of what I would actually do in the above named situation.

Drugs: I would say absolutely not, and explain why.

Alcohol: Depending on how old of a teen they were, I would let them try some.

I'd have no idea where she'd get the pot LOL. I'd tell her it was illegeal and she can be arrested, and if I find any in her room I'll be the one calling the police.

When she had the stomach flu with severe headache I told her that was what a hang over felt like. Pretty strong incentive to not drink that six pack.

In our home wine is part of dinner, part of the culture. If she wants some it's fine with me so long as it's a taste, appropriate to her age.

I do NOT believe in experimentation or 'kids will be kids'. I didn't and don't see why people say "everyone tries it as a teen" cause none of my friends, my family didn't. Most kids don't actually.

I have told Emily she should wait until she's 21 and she can make up her own mind. Until then I'm the mom and what I say goes.

OK. My mom smoked pot with me, starting when I was 13. Then she let me drink in her house, starting when I was 14. Then she let me have boyfirends stay the night, starting when I was 15. Then me and boyfriends played shack up together from that point on. It was all very open. I never had to hide anything.

I still wandered around the parks and streets of the city. I still had sex in the backseat of cars, or at parties. I still did lots of drugs, drank lots of booze, I was still a promiscous girl, I experienced muggings, date rapes, abusive relationships, STD's, (these are not all MY experiences, but in my circle) and got pregnant at 17.


Do I, now, as a mother, thank her for all that? Am I glad I had such a cool mom? He!! no.


So, I had it both ways. Dad and stepmom wouldn't even talk about sex drugs and rock and roll. Mom considered it all a rite of passage that I should be allowed to experiment with. I've got to find some kind of middle ground.

Originally posted by CincoDeMama
i'd rather they do it in the safety of our home-supervised, than in the back of a car on the roads, or a park-like i used to.


What happened to "I'd rather they not experiment with drugs at all"? I can tell you that is an option to raise kids who have no interest in drinking or drugs at all. In this thread and the other, I see implications that all kids are just going to want sex, drinking, or drugs and that any who think they aren't are just naive. This is just so untrue. Kids live what they learn, both positive and negative.

No. No. No. No. No. :D

Hmm - isn't it all illegal for kids to partake in these things?

Ann

Hmmmmmm.

I guess my first answer would be, "And where are you going to get this alcohol/drug?"

Because we ain't got any. LOL!

I started drinking at 13, experiemented with many other things by 15. My parents were the "We'll kill you" kind of parents. Yeah, that worked. I drank to escape the horror they created in my house. I partied like it was 1999 throught the last part of the 70s and the first part of the 80s.

My kids don't have to do any chemicals to escape their home life. I've made sure of that. They are secure and happy and they believe we think they are the greatest, smartest, most beautiful, most special kids in the world.

We are very open about them coming to us for anything. They know we will absolutely love them, even if they get in trouble. I believe they would. I also think they MIGHT experiement without telling me. Because I was a kid not too long ago.

But if they came to be and said those things, I would find out what the situation was. I would remind them of the discussions we'd had up to then. If it was because of peer pressure, we would address that. If it was because they needed their mood altered because of something going on, we would address that, etc.

They have seen me drink one beer. Which they do NOT let me forget (Mom, YOU drink. Remember when you had that BEER that time?!?) I've been married to dh for almost 20 years and I've never seen him take any drink at all. I may drink when I go out, but not so that they would be able to tell and not so that I am affected at all when I come home.

I don't allow anyone to drink in the house. I don't PREACH against it. We just don't do it. Like we don't speak Russian, we don't have llamas, we don't use green lightbulbs, we don't grow banana trees. It just isn't part of our lifestyle here at home. We don't smoke and neither does anyone who comes here.

How can we teach them not to, if we do it? That's always been my thing (and I don't put that on anyone else, it just how I get through the day). The gray area being I might have a drink if I go out (yeah, like once a year woo-hoo!). But I am an adult and I don't drive if I do (what a blessing a non-drinking spouse is, huh!).

Oh, and I do love me some tequilla shots. And Jell-O shots. And Long Island Tea. And sippin' whiskey.....:joker:

I think this question is the hardest for me to answer. I just don't know what I'll do. We still drink. We don't do anything else, but we do drink. I suppose I just don't want her to be afraid to call me if she gets in a bad situation. I don't want her to binge drink or get raped or have to deal with an OD. I just don't know. :(

Originally posted by SweetnSour
I'd tell him that as long as he lives under MY roof he has to follow MY rules ;)

ETA I mean no intoxication in the house, no alcohol, cigarette, drugs, tea or coffee.

Yeah that! ;cool: Rules are rules and if you live here then you follow the rules and that means EVERYBODY!! Yes, DH and I also follow those rules ;-)

--NB

Adding: They absolutley know that they can call anytime from anywhere with no conseqences rather than EVER get behind the wheel of a car themselves or with anyone else.

I have no clue how I survived adolesence. Not a clue. We just to drive around so that we COULD drink. :mad:

I think it makes a big difference if its an older teen or a younger teen. If my 13 y/o said they wanted a beer, I'd probably let them have half of one. A 6pk - no. A shot - no. That goes triple for several. I might let them taste the tequila in hopes that it would turn them off for life!!! LOL! I would NOT tell them that they are not to do it and its against the rules. Rules are made to be broken, and then I would just be setting myself up to be lied to. I will make it clear to my children that they can tell me anything they do (or want to do) without fear of punishment or belittlement. Of course, I would try to talk them out of doing hard drugs, but at no point will you ever hear me saying "YOu better not let me catch you with this in my house!" Like I said - you're just promoting secrecy and lies, and you'll end up with a kid who is never gong to tell you anything about what's going on with them or their friends. I prefer to have a trusting relationship with my kids.

Now, if they were 17 or older and asked... i would probably (don't stone me or turn me in for this - i haven't done it yet!!!) give them a beer. I might even let them enjoy a 6 pack in the basement on a friday night. i might even let them do a shot, or several shots. in my experience, both as a teen and in dealing with teens, THEY ARE GOING TO FIND A WAY TO DO IT ANYWAY! At that stage, do you want them out (and this is the reality of the matter) drinking as much alcohol as they could possibly want in their cars, while driving around on the weekends - at risk of getting caught by the cops and/or killing themselves behind the wheel - because they have no place to safely drink. (what kind of a run-on sentence was that!?) Or do you want them consuming limited and specified amounts of alcohol at your discretion, inside the safety of your own house - where you know that they are not going to get into a wreck, get in trouble with the law, get in a knife fight and get killed, etc.

i'm a young mama, only 22 and barely out of her own wild and crazy days, so this plays a big part in my thinking. i was a wild child, and i paid for things i did. i had my stomach pumped at the age of 14, i believe, drinking tequlia at a friend's house after school. i have chugged much vodka with boys in the back seat of cars and have drank in fields and parks. I have gotten drunk with people i didn't know or particularly like - including dangerous people, because i had no where else to get it and/or no other place to do it.

Originally posted by peacelilymama
THEY ARE GOING TO FIND A WAY TO DO IT ANYWAY! At that stage, do you want them out (and this is the reality of the matter) drinking as much alcohol as they could possibly want in their cars, while driving around on the weekends - at risk of getting caught by the cops and/or killing themselves behind the wheel - because they have no place to safely drink. (what kind of a run-on sentence was that!?) Or do you want them consuming limited and specified amounts of alcohol at your discretion, inside the safety of your own house - where you know that they are not going to get into a wreck, get in trouble with the law, get in a knife fight and get killed, etc.

I think the point is, that protecting them from the consequences of bad choices means that you are telling them there are no bad choices. You're telling them that the laws weren't meant to be followed by supporting their choice to break it. You are telling them there are no consequences to their actions. They can do what they want, since they are going to do it anyways, and you will protect them from anything bad happening to them while they do it.

If a child (and by law a 17 yr old is still a child) thinks himself old enough to go against the rules (either parental rules or lawful rules) and break them, then he is old enough to accept any negative consequences that come with that, even if it means getting caught by cops, killing themselves behind the wheel, or getting into fights. The negative consequence was the reason behind the rule in the first place!

What you are saying is that you tell your child hitting your brother is wrong, but since I know you will get upset with him and do it anyways, you can do it right here in the livingroom. Then the rule goes out the window. What's the point of saying don't hit your brother, when you turn around and say I won't punish you when you do, I'll just accept it and make it easier for you to do it without anyone else punishing you for it?

I would tell him he is more than welcome to smoke when he turns 18 an is legal I'll have a beer with him when he turns 21 And I'd tell him that he's welcome to take OTC or prescribed drugs as needed but illegal ones he'll have to wait and try when he moves out on his own.

We are teaching them that true character is what you do/say when noone is watching. I can only hope that communication is always open and that they will internally be able to decipher right and wrong when they are teens and we aren't with them.

OT, but I love my dh. He is an awesome man. He has good character, morals...he's sensitive, thoughtful and giving. It is my goal for my sons to posess the traits that will bless their wives when they marry. Being respectful...starting with their own bodies and then extending that to respect for a woman's body. I won't have them cheapen the beauty of sex to that of a prom night encounter, loaded on drugs and alcohol, in a dirty hotel. Because I know that I would not want a man to treat me with so callously either. Boys who are allowed and encouraged in those directions end up being the men that women b!tch about.

All in all, we do our best but ultimately we can't be with them 24/7 It's what they learn from us when they are with us... They, like us, will eventually make their own choices and either reap the benefits or suffer the consequences.

Holy carp Dawnadelle!!! I'd be ferocious if some parent let her child split a shot of watermelon liquor w/my child. At 14?! I am assuming you knew her parents reallllly well and knew that they'd not mind their 14 yo having a half a shot?!? (I would be buzzed on *a* shot, I can't imagine what that would do to my 90 pound 13 yo!!)

Originally posted by CincoDeMama
curious how differently we all think on this topic as well~

say your teen came to you and told you he wanted to get high (mj), wwyd?

drink a beer?

drink a 6pk of beer?

do a shot of tequila?

do several shots?

thoughts on this?

a) we would talk about mj, the effects there of, why s/he wanted to do, and my feelings that, so long as s/he is a minor in our house, we will not support or condone their doing anything illegal. Additionally, I would talk about all that I have witness about the realistic long-term consequences of drug use (because, honestly, I have seen nothing good come from drug use). I would also let him/her know that I personally do not see mj as being worse physiologically than alcohol, but that it is illegal and to use it is to make risky decisions.

b) drink a beer - tell her/him that is something that, so long as s/he is a minor, we will not support alcohol use and that, if we find out that s/he has been drinking that there will be consequences, including loss of driving priveldges.

c) 6 pack - see b

d) tequilla - see b

e) several shots - see b

FTR, I have known a few families who followed the it's-ok-in-my-house rule and the kids all turned out pretty badly. I don't know if it's not having something to rebel against or what but those kids all turned out with substance abuse problems. Just my experience.

wanted to get high (mj), wwyd?
Tell her no and why and discuss further. That being said my dd is VERY against drugs (she has seen first hand what it can do from an ex friend of hers)

drink a beer?

DH has let her sip some of his beer, she hates it LOL.

drink a 6pk of beer?

Umm she hates it but I would tell her no and say if you must taste it you can have a sip or 2 in our home.

do a shot of tequila?

Depending on how old she is I would let her take a SIP she would quickly be turned off

do several shots?

NO

I'm not sure about the drugs. The drinking is easy. Growing up, drinking wasn't something forbidden if it was done in the open and not to intoxication. If I wanted a wine cooler or something I could have one on a special occassion, champagne toasts, etc... I don't have an addictive personality, however, so maybe that's not the answer for everyone. I just know that because it wasn't something verbotten, I didn't feel the need to run and hide and drink a bottle of vodka.

Drugs... hmmm... I think that has more to do with parental supervision. I was not allowed out on school nights, had a curfew until I was about 20, and when I was grounded my Dad actually took the door off of the hinges. I honestly never smoked pot as a teenager. My friends whose parents were less strict about where they were and what time they were coming home were total potheads. I have to assume the two go hand in hand in my case.

Jessica

My daughter is 14 and one day came home with her friend. They were being silly - as 14 yr old girls will be. My daughter asks, with real excitement, "Oooo - can Lauren and I taste the watermelon liquor!? Can we!? Can we!? Pleeeeeeeease!!!!!!".

Did your dd's friends mother know??? Honestly if someone (a parent) told my dd she could split a shot I would be livid and you would be dealing with me as soon as I found out. That is just so wrong in so many ways. Letting your dd is one thing but to let another persons child do something like that is not right.

My dd would decline and tell me so at least I wouldn't have to worry about her.

Nickie, I am curious too. I'd be floored if my 13 1/2 year old came home and told me she had 1/2 a shot of alcohol at her best friends house...

Originally posted by LifesaBeach
We are teaching them that true character is what you do/say when noone is watching.

I couldn't agree more. This is an awesome value to teach. :thumbsup:

Originally posted by Mamax4
I am not talking about alcoholism in adults. I am talking about young teens chugging vodka at sex parties. Dead frat kids from alcohol poisoning etc. Big big difference.

I see my teen nieces and nephews in Europe and they are far more sophisticated, far more mature about around alcohol. They laugh at the immaturity and giddyness they see in the N American teen and college tourists once they hit the pubs and bars.

I'm just telling you what they've told me.

I grew up in Germany and since you can drink beer when 16 and hard liquor when 18 it was no big deal. Growing up the family would get together for coffee and cake and afterwards in the early evening do some social drinking (no one ever got drunk just tipsy). We went clubbing when I was in high school and sure we could have gotten alcohol but why? wasn't something I needed or wanted. It was funny to see the American kids partying every weekend and getting drunk. I thought it was pretty immature.

I did (and still do) have a close relationship with my mom and while we never got into detail about sex we did talk about drugs and drinking. She raised me with good common sense and I feel she did a great job.

Alcohol or drug talk will not be taboo in our house but I'm not going to be going out and buying it for them. I will try to teach them as I had been taught and hope it sticks with them also.

[i]Originally posted by LifesaBeach [
We are teaching them that true character is what you do/say when noone is watching. [/B]


That's the crux of a lot of issues, isn't it? What a great lesson.

And, seriously, those of you who said they would rather have their children do it in their house because it's the safest place...did you read my post? I didn't stop doing all the unsafe stuff, I just did it at my mom's house AS WELL. And am I grateful she let me do that stuff now? No, I'm in therapy because I felt like she didn't love me enough to give me boundaries. She let me make decisions I wasn't ready for.

And some more bad news...my brother, he was raised the same way...one set of parents very strict, one parent very leniant. He is currently fighting addiction of the worst kind at a $17 k/month rehab. How do you know your child won't stop at experimentation, and then you had a hand in their addiction process?

Originally posted by CincoDeMama
curious how differently we all think on this topic as well~

say your teen came to you and told you he wanted to get high (mj), wwyd?

drink a beer?

drink a 6pk of beer?

do a shot of tequila?

do several shots?

thoughts on this?

OK, all those things are illegal to do as a teen, so I would say nope. end of story.

Abel already knows what drugs and alcohol can do to a person all too well. If he actually told me he was going to try any of those htings, I'd remind him of what he already knows. Depending on the gae, 'd throw in a new scary story about the generations of addicts on his family tree.

I'd remind him that illegal acts are forbidden in our home, and if he can't stop himself from doing them, he's welcome to provide himself with a different home, and I would miss him very much.

Now, we are Italian, and having a watered down glass of wine at xmas is something that just happens. And when we are in Italy visiting family, we will do as they do. So alcohol won't be completely taboo. Abel's seen me drink beer, and he knows a case of the stuff lasts for months in our house. He also knows it's for grown-ups, and why.

I think several things about this, as I have a lot of experience. I have a son who has been through substance abuse therapy at 13. Think it can't happen to you? Think again. My son was very closely watched - there are 4 adults in this home. Friends would come over and bring him some stuff to smoke. He would go to the barn to feed the pigs, and be gone for a half an hour. He also would steal a beer here and there from the fridge. Finally I noticed one night that the level on the bottle of wine on the counter had gone up, and I knew he added water. We are a close family, we go to church, he was in a private school, and I have no idea why he did this. He is still the kind of kid who thinks that life is about having fun. I think this is the biggest difference. You and I know that you balance the fun with the responsibility, he didn't, and he still struggles with it. It was a long, tough summer that year. I argued and argued with him, and we took it to his adolescent group (there are a lot of these!) and discussed
things. This said, part of this may be genetic on both sides. Also, my husband enjoys a beer now and then. I enjoy a glass of wine now and then. I can't remember the last time I was even buzzed, or that I saw my husband buzzed.
Talk to your child about the virtue of being in his right mind at all times for safety reasons. Talk about the trust you have that he can make the right choices. Talk about the consequences of breaking your trust in him. Talk to him about the difficulty in making adult decisions at a young age. Talk about why he might want to try all of these things - peer pressure, kicks, escape, etc.. and then adress those issues, helping him find a healthier outlet for those feelings.
My son completed therapy and backslid once. For a long time he ocould not leave the house with out a brother, not to take out the trash or feed the animals. He was not aloud to go out with friends, but some could come over to visit. Sitting on him made him realize that his family might be boring and goody goody, but we are okay. More importantly he realized that he was okay. And he saw that he could be strong. He found out he didn't need those friends, that others had fun without engaging inillegal activity or risky behavior.
BTW, he never asked those questions before all of this. I wish he had.
Peace!
I am sorry this is so long

Jeni,

Wow, what a story! I'm so glad your son is doing better.

"How can we teach them not to, if we do it? That's always been my thing (and I don't put that on anyone else, it just how I get through the day). The gray area being I might have a drink if I go out (yeah, like once a year woo-hoo!). But I am an adult and I don't drive if I do (what a blessing a non-drinking spouse is, huh!)."

This is our philosophy. We don't do these things and we are open and honest about why we don't. If our children came to us and wanted to experiement we would explain why it wasn't acceptable to us and why they would not be allowed to do illegal things in our house.