I haven't posted for quite a while due to a big move and life in general.
Anyways, I always wanted a bunch of kids, at least more than the typical two (boy and girl). But life didn't happen the way I wanted or planned. I was 30 before I married the man of my dreams, then a miscarriage and reproduction problems set things back even further. I am now 38 (39 in july) and have my boy and girl. I should be happy, right? Sort of but I still want and still long for another baby, I don't feel "complete" yet... I also know if I want another baby I should be working on getting pregnant *now* but DH is perfectly happy with two and doesn't really want another, I think if I pushed the idea he would really push back. DH is 45 and already worries about his age and energy level as the kids get older. I know in my heart he is probably right, pregnancy is not kind to me (I get really sick), I am older, and we have the "perfect" family but I still long for one more. Due to my age it is not like we can shelf the issue and come back to it in a few years. I am just feeling sad and longing, and it doesn't help that my "baby" turns two in just 3 months.

So how do I get past this longing, will it always be there?

I think the longing is always there. It is in our mothering soul. Not something we can really change, in my opinion.

I would still welcome one more, and I am a little older than you.
Health has more to do with it than age. If you are in good health, age should not be a big issue.

Your DH is the same age as mine, and he always wanted lots of children, but we have three boys. But he is very content with the children we have. He says, yes, a little girl would have been nice, and he will keep trying if it is what makes me happy, but he is perfectly happy.

So I guess it is just a mama thing...

And you are not alone.

:heart:

Oh, and my oldest is in no hurry to get married or even think about a girlfriend, so it will be a while for grandchildren. (not to embarrass him or anything...;))

First of all, it is good to see you. :)

I think it never totally goes away. (that yearning for another baby)

My sister-in-law speaks of her struggles of this when I talk to her. They have three children and she is (I think) 42 yrs old and even though she and my brother agreed they were done with three children, I know she said the yearnings never go away.

I have not had much in the area of yearning until just recently. However, we can't have anymore children for various reasons.

I wonder if the yearnings come and go....and come more strongly at times when your youngest (or you) are near some kind of milestone? Age two is a milestone, IMHO. So is your age......times of change.

My youngest will be in school next year...that is a milestone and I think that is partly why I have had recent baby yearnings. I'm also nearly 36. Plus I never had the twins I always prayed, dreamed and thought I'd have.

I'm sorry you had the miscarriage and the troubles having babies and the difficult pregnancies too. That must have been really difficult.

Long story short....I really do think these yearnings never totally go away. Even if you know you are "done" like I do. However, my yearnings are not strong like they were back when we were having more babies...back then, the yearning for a baby was really really really strong.

Now, I have those feelings....but honestly, I don't think I want to go back to all the baby stuff again......

Sounds conflicting, huh? I think that is how it is and it is totally normal.

If your yearnings are super strong......on the other hand, maybe it bears looking into more and talking with your dh a bit?

Michelle

I am in good health as far as numbers and physicals go, but I am quite overweight and I really need to work on it. DH feels I should start to spend more time on myself, and I can see his point. My husbands is also overweight though not nearly as much, he is also a type II diabetic and I think this worries him as well as getting older.
I am usually OK with the "baby pangs" but as Sarah gets older and Connor is hitting school age they get stronger. I guess they have been stronger than before since the holidays... but usually they come and go.

I am all about pampering for mamas, I am a doula afterall... :)

Yes, take care of you, very good thing to do, best thing for your children too, and happy mama is a better mama.

:)

Try short exercises. I like exercise tapes/dvds. They make all kinds of shorter ones where you are not knocking yourself out for an hour.

I like bellydancing, pilates, yoga, light weights, and I do short walks on my treadmill. Treadmill daily, then I mix up the other ones - rotate.

Tea and the ritual of tea can be very relaxing, it makes you slow down a little, too.

I love all kinds of tea, chai is my favorite, but I drink all kinds.

So, anyway, take care of mama, and if another baby is meant to be, then it will happen...

:heart:

I'm enjoying the big kid life. Having my kids read to me. Camping when ever we want easily. Having a real purse! I have more time to take care of myself now. More time and energy for sex.

I would have happily welcomed more babies but I know in my heart that my family is just right the way it is. I'm a baby junkie still. Luckily most of my friends are still reproducing, lol. I get my baby fix fairly often.

hey - it is nice to see you sunni :)

I agree with amelia. The older the kids get the more it seems we just move into a different phase of parenting. My dh is turning 45 in october. I'll be 40 this summer. We're done having children. I have a 15yo, a 4.5yo who'll start kindergarten in the fall and my "baby" who is already 18mos old.

i love holding other peoples babies. I love smelling their new heads. I know i'm totally fine with my family being done. I might 'long for' once in a while, but for me the pangs are gone. I don't want to be pregnant again. I'm looking forward to doing less baby stuff and more big kid stuff

its like that chapter is over and a new part of the book is going on now. Birthing babies was amazing. Raising children is too - just in a different way

Originally posted by Simply Nurtured

Tea and the ritual of tea can be very relaxing, it makes you slow down a little, too.

I love all kinds of tea, chai is my favorite, but I drink all kinds.

So, anyway, take care of mama, and if another baby is meant to be, then it will happen...

:heart:

:ditto:

I have had my heart set on having 4 children for a long time. I am fortunate to have the third because dh wanted to stop with 2 and she came as a big suprise to the both of us. He won't even entertain a discussion about another baby though. I know that people say in time he might, and truthfully we do get that "baby amnesia" as we call it, once the baby turns a year old, forgetting how much work it was to have a tiny baby and how it turns the family upsidedown. But I think that as time goes by he'll be more and more happy with being done, and watching the children grow older. Honestly, if he knew it would be a boy I think he'd do it. But we have three girls and our chances are pretty slim. I can't believe I'm even talking about this after posting how much the third one adds to the workload of a mother, but my heart wants the fourth baby in a bad way. I wouldn't be pining away about it if I knew that in a year, he'd be open to talking about it, but I know he won't. It's somehow helpful to know I am not the only one.

Hi Sunni,
Count me into the happy to be moving on group. dont get me wrong each milestone Mason hits is very bittersweet. I get pangs of baby lust but my PGs are difficult, and we simply dont have room or money for more.

I knew later I may be tempted to throw cuation to the wind especiually after dealing with infertility for so long. I had my tubes tied at mason's birth. It seems to help a bit to know that I CANT get pg anymore.

I look fwd to camping, sleeping through the night, and other things that lie ahead.

Good to see you posting again.

I'm not sure those baby pangs ever go away for some of us...even those of us who not only can't have more (dh had a vas), but those of us who can't really afford another comfortably (no more bedrooms, can't imagine older kid fees for another one, etc.)...I still get baby lust. I still imagine, even daring to hope now and then! And I then I think wow, yow, I am kinda glad we can't, otherwise I think my lust would have over-ruled my conscious side. LOL.

I agree with the others totally. About taking care of yourself, and about parenting older kids. Kids don't need you less as they get older, sometimes I really feel they need you more. I take comfort in that when I think about not having more. Having more time for the ones I do have.

I also have a dh who really did not want more. And I am 100% sure I could have convinced him to have another. But you know, he really did not, and does not, want another. I know I'd resent that later. As would he. I could say over and over, and convince him such, that I'd do it all, I'd be taking on any extra work another child brings, etc. But I wouldn't. I know I'd want an equal partner. Kwim?

I also know that focusing on my kids now, and what they need and are going through, helped. I am busy! They need me. They are busy. They are needy. LOL. So while I do miss babies, I reallllly do....I also am trying to keep myself 100% into my kids now. Their stages, ages, the newness that parenting older kids brings....

once the baby turns a year old, forgetting how much work it was to have a tiny baby and how it turns the family upsidedown.
so right. As much as I love my kids-I didn't want more. nor does dh.It is so much work especially mentally as they get older. I've lost my patience too with each one and when you have to go to the laundry mat to do clothes, wash dishes, go to work, go to school, drive the kids to their activities-its too much after awhile. Many times I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions. For awhile I wanted another baby but then realized I can only do so much and adding another child would be hard finacially, room wise, car wise,etc...Plus, mentally I don't think I could be as good as a mom as to my other kids-if I added another child. I wish you the best mama-also, there's always adoption. I had the idea in mind to adopt a child from my mom's country of El Salvador- a girl-but for now -I'll stay at 3boys-or 4 if you count dh.
Erika

Thanks everyone!

I know that ultimately it is probably for the best that we not have another child, but I know that I certainly wouldn't be upset if I ended up pregnant again. I can wait to see if it just meant to be, though we are rather careful and I also have a short lutal phase so I don't see getting pregnant on "accident" any time soon.

Denise- I also know that if I *really* pushed for another baby DH would give in, he has a hard time saying no to me... but that just doesn't seem right. I want him totally on board, or at least interested!

I guess it is good to know that there are others out there that feel the same way I do.

Originally posted by Sunni
I also know that if I *really* pushed for another baby DH would give in, he has a hard time saying no to me... but that just doesn't seem right. I want him totally on board, or at least interested!


I wish all women thought that way. I think there would be a lot less family problems if men were treated as equal parts in the baby making business.

I guess I sound really hypocritical though. We're quiverful, not because dh is completely onboard, but because he trusts me to listen to what God wants us to do. He would be happy being done now, but he loves me and respects my feelings and intuitions.

In fact, he just let me make a decision regarding his job. He was offered a new position with a different company. He said he couldn't get a feel for it and didn't know what to do. He asked me what I thought. I told him I had a really bad feeling about the new company even though it would mean more job security. The pay is about the same, but it's a for sure job and if he stays where he's at, he risks being fired so the new company will have at least 51% of the employees. It's complicated. :rolleyes. I don't know why I feel so uneasy about the new place, I just do. He's going with my gut. ;)

Sorry. That got kind of rambling about nothing important to this conversation. I wanted to commend you on your decision to not bring a child into the world that 2 parents weren't absolutely sure about having. Thank you. :)

:waving: Hi! You have been missed! {{{{Hugs}}}} I have gone through the same thing. I say 'gone" because I have accepted the fact that I will ALWAYS want more babies! It is instinctual for me. I love babies. I love children. I love being a mom! I see pregnant bellies and I am in love! :heart: I think I will always want more until I hit menapause and am a Grandma!:D But when I think logically,I know my health is not the best to be having more children. Actually, most likely I will not even start to get better until I stop nursing(I am in no rush though,that blows everyones mind.....) Also, my dh does NOT want anymore. He has problems with having the 2 we have.:( So that would not be fair to him or the baby. So we are complete. It is exciting in a way to finally accept that! I moved on in big ways! I get excited about spoiling the two I have!:D I am making plans for the future! I even got a new car that is not a minivan! *Gasp* That was a huge step! lol! Best wishes mama,{{{{More Hugs}}}}

I occasionally feel the pull to want another newborn, that's my favorite stage. But, I keep reminding myself that I am on to another chapter of my life. I am 38, too young for menopause, but really think of my childbearing years as over so that a different stage can begin. I am not sure what that stage is, but I feel ready for it. I guess my kids have raised me to be a strong person!

Originally posted by Sunni
So how do I get past this longing, will it always be there?

I wonder the same thing...will I ever stop greiving the daughter I never had. :( ((hugs)) My dh is getting a vasectomy in a few weeks and I expect it to be the worst day of my life. I just have to keep reminding myself how nice it is to have two children that get tucked in and sleep from 7:30pm to 7:30am.

It's nice to see you back :) .

Maybe the longing turns into something else.... something sweeter and easier to deal with. Obviously, from my sig pics, I have 2, widely (VERY widely) spaced. Ben and I had Christopher when we were both babies ourselves, still in college. Ben was the Love of My Life, but we didn't get married until Christopher was in the 8th grade. We tried to convince ourselves that we didn't need a baby, but .... we just had to have our little millennium baby, Anabelle. And because of their difference in ages, I wanted Anabelle to have a sibling that she could really grow up with. I guess I was about your age when I had my first miscarriage and then another miscarriage a year later, followed by an emergency hysterectomy.

So it's one thing to have that longing and make the decision on your own. But it's really tough to have that decision just removed. I'm 40 now and I know that it was really tough on my body those last two years. I was sooooo sick and sooooo tired. I was really miserable for about a year and the hardest part of all was this past Thanksgiving and Christmas, the anniversary of the Time After the Hysterectomy. Lousy, miserable days and nights spent laying on the couch trying to "recover."

Maybe you and your husband just need to talk some more. Maybe one or the other of you will begin to grow in a different direction. My obstetrician told me that we used to consider 35 the outer limits for having children, but they've upped that to 42. And look at Geena Davis -- twins! You're right, if it was meant to happen, it will happen.

However, now that the year has passed and I've finally begun to accept that this is it. These are my two children and we are so fortunate that we have them. Now that I know Anabelle won't have a younger sibling, our relationship has grown ever so much more special. I don't know why or how, but it has. That anxiety has gone, the pressure. When she talks about a little brother or sister, I just tell her we won't be having any more babies and that's okay with her.

And what I was saying about how the longing turns into something else... It has turned into the sweetest thing. I look at other people's children so much differently now. I notice them. I feel for them. I have patience with them. I think they're ALL beautiful. I love the way newborn babies smell. I like the way toddlers walk around with that chunky little bottom from where their diaper sticks out. I love curls and I love dirty faces. And I love my Christopher and my Anabelle. The longing changes. It does. Your fate or destiny or whatever-you-believe-in would not GIVE you that longing if it wasn't going to somehow find resolution.

Take care of yourself, Mama. :heart:

I don't think it ever really goes away. My mother still would LOVE another baby. Her youngest is 21.

I would still really love more - it's starting to hit me now that I'm not nursing the twins and they are so close to walking. But we are done. Dh had a vasectomy last year. We have all we can afford and I already struggle with being able to handle the children I have. I also have had really, really rough pregnancies and I couldn't imagine having to go through that again.

I was bedrest for almost 4 months of the twins pregnancy, emergency C-section, spinal messup - with spinal headache that lasted for weeks even with the epidural blood patch, post-partum hemmorage after the C-section when I already was anemic and all that time recovering from the C-section and bedrest and tryign to deal with newborn twins. My poor older kids really didn't have much from me. A year later am barely back into normal blood levels and not yet totaly "recovered" physically.

we were blessed to have a boy - but dh and I REALLY wanted Michael to have brother. Our "ideal" was 2 boys/2 girls. It didn't work out that way obviously!