Is it because of the recent tragedies that are on the news?

Is it related to my age? (nearly 36)

Is it related to how much I love life and living?

Or related to my developing belief that there is nothing after death? (at least not a continuation of myself with this personality and aware that I am living eternally etc...)

Just mostly talking outloud here...I don't expect you to answer those questions.

Except for this one:

Are you doing the same all of a sudden?

Michelle

I am acutely aware of how precious the time is we have here and now... One of the many reasons I try to be gentle and loving with my family and those I come in contact in this life.

And yes, it began around late 30s. So perhaps age is a factor. Or perhaps because I had a life and death illness a little over 4 years ago. (age 37) And with 9-11...

It could be because of all the destruction we see in the world.

I wish that I could reassure that this is not all there is. I believe that this is not all there is, that the best is yet to come. But it takes a lot to try to have faith, to try to believe in something we can't touch.

So back to the original question, yes, I do think about death. And the older I get, the more patient I am, the less I want anything to "hurry up", and the more I so appreciate the beauty in this life and the miracles I can see, where maybe I did not see those things before.

Because THIS life is so short...

And I really do see what Leo Buscaligia was trying to say about Love.

Does that help at all? I hope so.

edit requested by hadalamb

Yes Michelle, me too.
And yes, the realization that tragedies can occur without anything a human can do about it.

If devastation were to happen, even my intution could not save me if every plant in sight were polluted, etc....

There are some things that just cannot be overcome and death is one of those things. So between natural disasters and some wake up calls for my own health, I am in the same boat as you Michelle.

I suppose anything can trigger those feelings.

I think some people are just born aware of the finality of life. Maybe aware is the wrong word…in touch with it. This feeling comes over me a lot, and usually I think “I like my life so much, I never want it to end”. I remember being 7 and worrying about that ( no one put that in my head, it is just there).

Right now I have two close family member whose deaths have been predicted ( by Dr’s) and one who is going through some crazy medical problems they can not explain. Two are very young ( 48 and 54) one is older (85)…combined they are putting me in a walking haze…but they are not making me think more about death ( strange, huh?). My life is going to change so much when/if they are not in it. SO much.

Anyway I have rambled, as I am known to do.

I know what I WANT to happen after death. I WANT us to keep coming back, having a chance to be young, and knowing the same souls we have always known. I fear we a just gone, and that hurts. My husband does not believe we are just gone, but has told me IF that were the case, I shouldn’t feel this fear/sadness over it now…because I am just feeling saddens over a loneliness I will never fear, because I will not exist.

I really want to feel we come back, I really do….maybe someday I will find faith to feel that.

I lost a Grandfather and three pets last year and will be loosing my Grandmother too soon. I have been obsessed with thoughts of death for about a year.

I realized as my oldest has entered puberty that I can not go back and be young again. Childhood and life itself are so terribly short. She will never be a little girl again and I will never be tweenty something. Does this make any sense to anyone else? Somehow seeing her grow has made the shorthess of time very real to me. (KWIM).

I thought I was really weird! Perhaps it is just the age. Looks like I am not alone!

Originally posted by Simply Nurtured
I am acutely aware of how precious the time is we have here and now... One of the many reasons I try to be gentle and loving with my family and those I come in contact in this life.

And yes, it began around late 30s. So perhaps age is a factor. Or perhaps because I had a life and death illness a little over 4 years ago. (age 37) And with 9-11...

It could be because of all the destruction we see in the world.

I wish that I could reassure that this is not all there is. I believe that this is not all there is, that the best is yet to come. But it takes a lot to try to have faith, to try to believe in something we can't touch.

So back to the original question, yes, I do think about death. And the older I get, the more patient I am, the less I want anything to "hurry up", and the more I so appreciate the beauty in this life and the miracles I can see, where maybe I did not see those things before.

Because THIS life is so short...

And I really do see what Leo Buscaligia was trying to say about Love.

Does that help at all? I hope so.

Yes, your post really helped. I do think it must be age related to a large extent.....but also, it seems like the older I get, the more happy and at peace I am with life and all and then I realize that it is shortening (my life) and I also use to think I KNEW what happened after death and now I'm just in a space of....I don't know what to call it.....concerning this.

Thank you,
Michelle

Originally posted by hadalamb
Yes, I am, but trying to avoid the feelings. I became a CNA recently, and the training made me think about death a lot... that's really when it "hit me" that death is inevitable for everyone, and I'm pretty pissed about it lol. I've spent so much of my life depressed, but lately I've been so busy and happy and have so much to do still. I don't want to go anywhere. I'm also in a process of reevaluating my spiritual beliefs... not sure what I think about death at the moment, only that I don't want it, and if it should come to me, I will be MAD! LOL

I really wish that we could keep coming back again and again... and get to a certain identical fork in the road from our previous life, but choose a different path and see where that goes. Multiply that by infinity, and that's what I really wish for. But, I don't believe that's how it is.

Yes, what you said really does echo much of my feelings lately!!! As well as your wish too.

I ask myself...do I face these thoughts and feelings? It is easier to push it to the back of my mind.

Sometimes I wish I had that time and place when my religious faith was such that I was positive that I new absolute truth and knew what happened after death and all. It was easier for me then when talking about death.

Michelle

Originally posted by organicmama
Yes Michelle, me too.
And yes, the realization that tragedies can occur without anything a human can do about it.

If devastation were to happen, even my intution could not save me if every plant in sight were polluted, etc....

There are some things that just cannot be overcome and death is one of those things. So between natural disasters and some wake up calls for my own health, I am in the same boat as you Michelle.

Kristerae,

Did this start recently with you? I keep on thinking this is age related.

Maybe that is why I hit my health so hard last year. (making changes, that is)

It sucks that I did not find this place of satisfaction and peace and happiness with life years ago.

Michelle

Originally posted by infinite
I suppose anything can trigger those feelings.

I think some people are just born aware of the finality of life. Maybe aware is the wrong word…in touch with it. This feeling comes over me a lot, and usually I think “I like my life so much, I never want it to end”. I remember being 7 and worrying about that ( no one put that in my head, it is just there).

Right now I have two close family member whose deaths have been predicted ( by Dr’s) and one who is going through some crazy medical problems they can not explain. Two are very young ( 48 and 54) one is older (85)…combined they are putting me in a walking haze…but they are not making me think more about death ( strange, huh?). My life is going to change so much when/if they are not in it. SO much.

Anyway I have rambled, as I am known to do.

I know what I WANT to happen after death. I WANT us to keep coming back, having a chance to be young, and knowing the same souls we have always known. I fear we a just gone, and that hurts. My husband does not believe we are just gone, but has told me IF that were the case, I shouldn’t feel this fear/sadness over it now…because I am just feeling saddens over a loneliness I will never fear, because I will not exist.

I really want to feel we come back, I really do….maybe someday I will find faith to feel that.

This is such a strong topic. I am saddened to hear of your family members. Forty-eight and 54 are so young! That is only a little over a decade older than I am.

I did have a phase when I was a child (young child) when I'd be very aware that my life was not forever. Reading your post just made me remember that vividly. I'd lay awake in bed and contemplate it until I felt like I'd go nuts. I can't believe I forgot that time in my childhood and how your mention just brought that back.

What you said here:

" know what I WANT to happen after death. I WANT us to keep coming back, having a chance to be young, and knowing the same souls we have always known. I fear we a just gone, and that hurts. "


That is how I feel. That is what I'd want too. Or the way my former religion taught was so nice, but I don't believe in that anymore. I fear I am moving more and more into agnosticism. (sic) I don't like that.

Your husband has a good response to that. He is right, but that does not stop the thinking!

Also, It seems like I am seeing people around me (in the community or at my dh's work) who raised their families and then were looking forward to retirement so they (the couple) could enjoy each other and then one of them gets really sick and dies. (or dies suddenly) I had a child when I met my husband so we have never had "alone" time and we so look forward to when we are in our retirement age and it is just the two of us...sometimes a fear just grips me that he will be gone and we'll not have that time "just the two of us". (especially since we've never had that kind of time alone)

My husband commutes with our children to school 40 miles a day roundtrip and I worry each time they leave the house.....Wyoming roads suck in the winter and they are driving a old junker car etc...etc...

Also, it seems like everywhere I turn I know of someone else diagnosed with cancer. That scares that hell out of me.

Then, the mudslide and that story about the man who ran to the store to get ice cream for his wife and three little girls and right after he left, the mudslide came down and killed his wife and three daughters.....

I need to stop this train of thought.

I am frustrated that this is bothering me so much. I don't like not being in control and that is how I feel right now...totally vulnerable and out of control.

Michelle

Originally posted by momtorosejenny
I lost a Grandfather and three pets last year and will be loosing my Grandmother too soon. I have been obsessed with thoughts of death for about a year.

I realized as my oldest has entered puberty that I can not go back and be young again. Childhood and life itself are so terribly short. She will never be a little girl again and I will never be tweenty something. Does this make any sense to anyone else? Somehow seeing her grow has made the shorthess of time very real to me. (KWIM).

I thought I was really weird! Perhaps it is just the age. Looks like I am not alone!

I wonder too if it is the age.....we must be close in age.

I am comforted knowing I'm not alone in these feelings...but I am sorry others are struggling too!!

Michelle

Thanks to all of you for responding. I really am struggling with this.

It is so unlike me.....yesterday I'm jogging happily along on my treadmill and then it just pops into my head and I have a hard time fighting back tears.

Thanks again....the responses in this thread have really meant a lot to me.

Michelle

My grandmother died in early Sept, my last grandparent...

My FIL died at the end of September.

I believe they are making their presence known. My DH struggled with the death of his father, he wanted a "sign". I told him to ask for one. It is personal, so I don't feel right sharing this, but he did receive the sign he asked for.

I have "felt" my grandmother's presence... I am really feeling quite lost in the sense that I am nobody's grandbaby anymore, and no one knows me the way she did. I even was blessed with a sudden vision of her on a beach, her physical limitations were gone, her memory restored...

My MIL is doing fine, and actually feels my FIL's presence almost daily. She told me last night, she was on the couch and heard a clink and watched as a golf ball hit her pilates machine. She said she had no idea where the golf ball came from. (he loved golf, but we packed things up, some things to keep, but golf balls were given away) I said, maybe Dad wants you to get back to your pilates, and we laughed. It is not a bad or scary thing when these unexplained events occur.

I feel like it is ok to question and explore and struggle and even worry, it is the only way we will arrive at any answers.

And time with children is precious time. :)

Hugs and much love~

Wanda

edit requested by hadalamb

I have terrible dreams where I actually see my death and I die differently each time. My huband and I are open enough to discuss how I feel and what I dream so I tell him I love him everytime we part ways for the day. I tend to be paranoid anyway so I have been extra careful with our security and safety since our break in in December when all the person took was one of my son's stuffed animals...then it arrived at our door a week to the day later. I think I go thru stages of being compulsive of taking care of my body ( getting off all prescriptions) to eating raw and healthy to learning how to feel comfortable with a gun in the house again just for our protection. **sigh**
Lately...I have decided that if I die soon...by some strange accident or murder or whatever. ( I would never take my own life)
Our son will be safe and my husband do whatever he could to make sure the our son will have all that he needs.
I feel that my soul is safe. I know what I believe and even though I have questioned everything...I feel I am where I need to be and doing what I need to be doing.:halo:

Originally posted by hippykisses

I feel that my soul is safe. I know what I believe and even though I have questioned everything...I feel I am where I need to be and doing what I need to be doing.:halo:

I wish I had that.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I need to get offline now and get on the treadmill. Hopefully I won't have a emotional "attack" again while trying to work out. My mind must wander too much during this activity.

How scary to have your home broken into and then to have the stuffed animal return on the doorstep is really creepy and would scare me too.

Hugs,
Michelle

The treadmill is great!

I was already on mine, but getting ready to leave for the store. Don't get offline before you clear out some PMs. Did you see my posts, LOL?

Thanks~

Wanda

Exercise of some kind everyday does help with the obsessive thoughts of death. I know this because I have been "curving" ( going to curves) quite a bit lately and my anxiety has reduced dramaticly. I never have been one for treadmills but I have known people to run on a treadmill everyday and they love it.

Mom of 6-
You are fully aware of much of my spiritual path so you can kind undertand this statement.

But for years I thought I knew that I knew that I knew what woudl happen to me when I die.

Now, I am questioning alot of those former thoughts.


AS far as the death thing goes, I have recently thought of it because of tragedy.
I was jsut in Nevada a couple weeks ago and now there is flooding and avalanches an hours drive from where I was and it has taken lives.
Who woudl have thought.

Of course the Tsunami hurts me. And the California stuff. My son is there and my teens will be moving there in a week or so. (don't even get me started on that one)

Oh yes, then last week we jsut rented that movie about the floods that turned into a short ice age thing.
Can't remember the name of that movie, but anyway...

Death has been all around and I wish I could say I was looking forward to it, but I am not at this point.
I want to experience LIFE and to the fullest!

And much hugs to those that have lost their loved ones. I miss my grandma so much.

Originally posted by Simply Nurtured
The treadmill is great!

I was already on mine, but getting ready to leave for the store. Don't get offline before you clear out some PMs. Did you see my posts, LOL?

Thanks~

Wanda

Wanda,

I am so sorry about my PM box.....I had no idea it was full.

I got a new anti-spam thingie that my dh installed back in Demember. Now that I look back, it was about that time I stopped getting those notices that I love that tell me when a new post has been posted in a thread I am active in.

I have missed so much becuase I was not getting those little email notices which for me is like having my head stuck in the sand.

I finally realized it today and think I corrected the problem so I can get those email notices again.

I really am not a computer intelligent person.

Anyway, please PM me again? I cleared out most all of them. :)

Michelle

:big hug:

OK, I will re-send.

:)

Don't worry about it, I am so NOT a computer person. Our oldest son is the computer guru... I have learned everything I NEED to know from him. The other stuff I don't even want to know, LOL.

~Wanda

I seem to think about it all the time. I wonder what it "feels" like to be dead-I know, weird since technically you can't feel anything, lol, but I wonder what happens in that final second of life.

I wonder a lot of things about death, and I just have this feeling as of the past few years that I should have a journal or something for my kids when I go. I have been thinking lately that my days are very numbered.
I have had some freaky moments with my heart and worry that I will die. I should be going to the hospital and having it checked out. I think tomorrow I will look into the community hospital and see what they can do.