Ok, I'm going nuts. Please someone please give me some examples of things you would do for these situations. I know many of them are normal things kids go through, but I'm getting no where. I don't feel like I've set good limits/boundaries and they are walking all over me. Maybe it's not as bad as it feels but I am feeling like I am not the boss, they are.

My 7yr old dd: lack of respect, sassy, attitude, cruel treatment of sister etc.

My 2 yr. old is being 2 in a big way. This morning she threw a screaming hissy fit because she didn't like the clothes she was wearing, she came to the bathroom and peed in them. Well, she got her way and got them changed. I believe she was trying to get to the bathroom to go, but didn't make it as the screaming was really riling her up. It really seemed purposeful at the time though :(

They just don't listen, they think what's the worst that will happen, and they are right. Since I am struggling with my parenting style etc. I go back and forth....I try to make any consequences fit the behavior, but that is difficult at times.

They completely ignore me. I need to start from scratch in "training" them --I don't necessarily lik that word but am at a loss for a better one. I want them to have boundaries, no the limits. They think everything is theirs to mess with or touch and don't seem to have the concept that they need to ask before they touch someone elses belongings.

I know I'm babbling, I'm just on the edge of my sanity. I feel like a failure at this. When the days are good, they are great and they listen and behave. When they are bad, well, they're bad.

I've heard some of you say to other posts...........'they would dare do ___, or they'd have to face the wrath of mommy" etc. etc. My question is what do they *know* will happen that keeps them from doing it.

Helping clean up their room? HAHHAHAHAHAHAAA. It is a major battle. They are all 3 in a room together so there is a lot of stuff. It's a big room, but they just throw everything on the floor. Put something away? My 5 and 7 yr. old are very capable of putting things back where they belong. I've tried the -picking it up and putting it in a bag/away/trash/etc thing and it doesn't seem to phase them. And I hate it.

I must seem like a moron. They are just giving me a run for my money right now.

Ok, I'm going to hit the submit button and hoping no one is going to "bite" to hard ;)

Love, Carey

wanted to add: I'm looking into many of the books suggested to me. I have siblings without rivalry I've started and want to go from there. :)

I'm not touchin' this one, lol:p

Best advise, be patient and consistant.

Hugs, mama. I hope things work out for you soon.:hug:

I feel your pain, mama.

I can't help you with your seven year old, but as far as the two year old: can she pick out her own clothes? I have kind of learned that in order to keep my sanity, some "smallies" have to just go the way the kids want. For example, my son as a spiderman shirt that I really don't like, and the sleeves are too short. They are supposed to be long sleeves, but they don't quite cover his wrists and I find it annoying. (Not to mention that we live in southern Florida and he wears this ridiculous shirt with shorts! Ack!) But instead of arguing with him, he is allowed to wear it if it is clean. It's his body, he can dress it how he wants.

As far as consequences, it's so tough. You do have to be consistent. You should be able to explain to your 7 year old that "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Meaning: if she is rude to you and can't rectify the situation, she does not get special priviliges. Like, if she screeches at you "Take me to my freind's house now!", and after "try again" does not change her tune, she loses the privilege of going to her friend's house. This is starting to work with my 4 year old...but it is so hard to leave a playdate when he throws sand, even though he did it once already and was warned that if it happens again, we must leave. We did leave, though, and he hasn't done it since.

Try the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish. They also wrote "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen." Those techniques may help with the big sister being "mean" to the little one.

Good luck mama. My kids are not as old as yours, and I'm starting to think this parenting stuff does *not* get easier as they get bigger, contrary to the tales I've heard.....

Michelle

Sunbeam, LOL, I don't blame ya ;) I did mean to tell you that I really appreciated you taking the time to recommend books to me. I may not buy into the ideas in those books and certainly have my opinions on it, but I'm glad you took the time to answer my post.

Thank you both for posting to this one. I was so frazzled and upset this morning. I do usually let her have a say in her clothing actually, as she does this often, but I picked it last night after she was asleep and this morning was a bit of a rush. I got up late (imagine that, LOL) and the youngest had preschool (only goes 2 days---otherwise she probably wouldn't have even been dressed yet!) Usually, once it is on her she accepts it, getting it on her is the tough part. Today was another story.

I'm reading Sib. without Riv. now.

I know consistency is the hard part for me. It always has been. Practice makes perfect?

Thanks again!
Carey

Originally posted by Carey
Sunbeam, LOL, I don't blame ya ;) I did mean to tell you that I really appreciated you taking the time to recommend books to me. I may not buy into the ideas in those books and certainly have my opinions on it, but I'm glad you took the time to answer my post.


I know consistency is the hard part for me. It always has been. Practice makes perfect?

Thanks again!
Carey

I appreciate that. LOL I was a little :eek: that people were so :mad: but whatever. LOL To each their own.

I do wish you the best. Keep reading and you'll find that right fit for your family.

Non-Violent Communication helped here a lot. I thought about how much it was not them but me not teaching them, or ignoring what they were trying to say the best way they knew how. I needed to teach them/help them express themselves appropriately.

Hold On To Your Kids helps too. Loving Each One Best, Kids are Worth It, and the other one by Nancy Samalin.

Carey,

I think the first step is to go through their room and get rid of everything that extra. Go through clothes, toys, books, etc... Don't be afraid to really purge and toss stuff. With all three sharing a space, you (and they) cannot afford to be packrats. Once you have the room all put back together, each night after dinner (or whenever) it will be time to put things away.

Then, your new motto is:

Put it away or it goes away.

Let them know in advance that the room is now clean and that is how it should stay. This doesn't have to be stern or anything. They will probably all really like how it looks when it is clean.

If they stall at their nighttime cleaning, remind them of your new motto. If they still stall (and I mean the 7 yr old really!), pick it up in a big box and put it away. You can decide how you want this to go. You can throw it away, keep it for 2 week, or any random amount of time. I personally don't set a time limit because my kids are smart enough to weigh whether or not the amount of time is worth it. LOL Also, we went rounds with the legos and I always gave them back. I finally realized it wasn't working and I told them that I would give them away next time it happened. They've been picked up every since even though I still have to remind them to do it.

Your 2-yr old will not understand all this. Please don't expect that. You will have to help your 2 yr old by picking up her things with her. You may have to put it in her hand and show her where to put it first before she takes the initiative.

If you do the routine with all of them and follow through with your new motto, it should get easier. Keep in mind, I still have to tell them every night: Time to pick up toys now. They don't spontaneously do this despite our routine.

Lastly, set a good example. Our kids are smart. If we are slobs, we cannot expect them to be neat. They learn from the way we model. If you are currently messy, clean up your room at the same time. Go to the same lengths you are asking them to go to.

Originally posted by Carey

I've heard some of you say to other posts...........'they would dare do ___, or they'd have to face the wrath of mommy" etc. etc. My question is what do they *know* will happen that keeps them from doing it.


I just wanted to comment on this. I do not want my children to fear me. To me, compliance should not be based on fear. There are consequences in my house, but my kids are not punished.

To me, self-discipline is far more important that following the rules for the sake of "the rules."

The punishment/reward system is a slippery slope.

Thanks so much for commenting...I'm so glad to read your post, these are things we've tried, but I'll put the blame where it belongs as to why it hasn't worked so far. ME. Consistency. That has been my problem all along.

It is so tough figuring it all out! Thank you for the input. We always do an after Christmas purge of stuff, so it is perfect timing and their room needs to be picked up.

One of the things that is hard with their room, is that when the belongings that clutter the floor include shoes, clothes, etc. I don't feel like I can put them away, they need them, LOL. I try to keep jobs small and manageable when it becomes a disaster area because they become so overwhelmed.

With my 2 yr old I usually say Let's do this, and either show her or help her if she isn't agreeable. That usually helps get her to do it.

The last few days have been a little better. It always goes in spurts though. I know a lot of it is habit. My car has always been a mess for as long as I can remember. When I was 37 weeks preg. I cleaned it out and required everyone to take every thing with them out of the car, made several trips myself if needed. It has been clutter free for 13 weeks now and I really like it. It still needs vacuuming, cleaning, etc. but it isn't cluttered like it was. This has been a huge hurdle for me as silly as it is, but shows me I can change.

Again, thanks!!!
Carey

Hi Carey,

If the whole thing is too overwhelming then, start with one thing first. For instance, you can't just change your whole life overnight and become consistent. Well, in a perfect world you could! LOL

Try just working on the room situation. When it gets acceptable move onto another issue you want to work on. Break it down into small chunks instead of trying everything and then giving up when you don't see compliance.

Also, for the shoes and jackets, try a small shoe rack and a coat rack or hook. Robe hooks are about $2 at home depot. You could get one high and one low for your two children. Their shoes can stay by the door, in the closet, or on a small shoe rack.

It will get better. Keep in mind you have a new 2 mth old baby. They are still adjusting to your divided attention. They need reassurance that their place in the family is still important. Show them by giving them responsibility and helping them accomplish their task.

Take care!

Originally posted by Carey
One of the things that is hard with their room, is that when the belongings that clutter the floor include shoes, clothes, etc. I don't feel like I can put them away, they need them, LOL. I try to keep jobs small and manageable when it becomes a disaster area because they become so overwhelmed.
Again, thanks!!!
Carey

Carey,

I have managed to control the clutter some by doing a few things. First, purge often and without the children. If you do it with them, suddenly a toy that has not been touched in a while (months usually) is a prized possession. Also, I got baskets, boxes, bins, etc. and each kind of toy has its own bin. This has helped the "I don't know where to put it". Horses have a basket, so do trains and Barbies. Polly Pockets, dinosaurs, little animals each have a drawer in one of those Rubbermaid stackable drawer things. In another one of those drawer things, play silks, puppets and musical instruments. Stuffed animals have a toy box all their own. Someone they reproduce at night. Trucks, dress-up and dolls have boxes under the bed. So do sheets. Then there are three dish pans I got a Big Lots for $1 each under the dress that have Mr. Potato head and some misc stuff that really can't be classified. We have games and books on the book shelves. Puzzles too. Lacing letters, beads and a wooden Noah's Ark and tool kit have a place on the dresser.

I am rambling, but you see. When we go in to clean (and I do it with them right now), I assign each person something to clean. Beth may get horses and barbies, Sam polly pockets and dinos, etc. Helps a bunch. I have been known to set a timer then trade when the timer goes off.

But, purging alone is a must. At birthdays and Xmas, the girls have to pick an item themselves and give it to charity in order to get gifts. This helps them learn.