This is probably the wrong spot for this, but I need some help. I came to terms with/figured out that I was depressed mid-late last summer. It took a lot for me to admit it, especially to my husband, because I think it is post-partum related, and I, in my heart, would like another baby, I think.

So, DH finally saw that things were really not going well for me, and was pretty understanding, etc. Almost immediately, school started, which made things quite a bit easier, because DS went to 1st grade full time. I started trading a couple of hours a week with my neighbor (who is wonderful) so we could each have a little time without kids (I have used this time to work, unfortunately). For awhile, I was taking DS and DD to a playgroup once a week, making frequent trips to the library, I've managed to keep the house fairly clean most weeks, cook meals, prep a class for teaching online, and began teaching the end of October.

Last week, everthing seemed to fall apart for me again. Not that things were going super-well all the time, but they at least appeared to be. DH is clearly resentful, because he is picking up slack. The kids are miserable. DS #1 has some issues, and I am not sure what to do for him either. He is really struggling with his frustration level. He has vision problems. He screams and cries (with almost no escalation) whenever anything goes wrong. It drives DH nuts (and me). This was going on all summer, actually before that for me, but now DS does it to anyone and not just me, so DH just became aware of it during the summer. Again, I know a lot of it probably is the culmination of months of my being depressed and not responding the way I need to to my kids. He has some definite needs beyond the usual 6 year-old, and I'm failing him. DS#2 gets the same way (but he's 3), and I know it's largely for needing more attention.

So, I thought things were better. DH thought things were better. But, I'm finding myself seeking constant escape. I'm cooking, cleaning, planning, messing around on the computer. I don't feel like crying or anything, so I guess I can't seem to label myself as "depressed," but everything seems like too much work. As much as I want to cherish and treasure and enjoy my kids, I'm not spending time with them like I need to. Even yesterday, when we were all having fun (DH was playing guitar and the kids were singing, and we were laughing), I was sitting there thinking that I needed to go make a sandwich and start the diswhasher....I tend to think I'm just lazy or selfish or overly-dramatic or there's something inherently wrong with me. This from a person who has always been told how patient and how kind, how good with kids, etc. I am.

Depression runs in my family. My sister, who had a baby about a month after DD, is suffering from PPD. My brother has found that if he exercises daily, he can avoid the debilitating depression that he suffered in his early 20's. Exercise would probably be a good thing for me.

I don't know what to do. I don't really want to go the drug route. I don't know if that would solve the problem anyway. I am nursing two kids, one not quite a year old, and neither of them are in any way ready to wean. I suppose if I could take something and get my head on straight and work on helping my kids feel safe and happy again, that would be good. I'm failing everybody, I feel. I was feeling better when I was keeping the house clean, etc., but I have realized this week that I haven't done much better for the kids, and I still haven't fixed me.

Thanks for any advice.

If available near you, also seek the opinion of someone in alternative help. Paxil helped me when I was suicidal with PPD but I would not do it again. I use natural "drugs" now with few side effects.

I was about to post a big, long theraputic monologue here yesterday, when dd came and made it disappear. It's probably for the best, I guess. But, I did mention in there that I am working with a homeopath. I also had a bit of a revelation yesterday about how and why I have reached this point, in addition to hormones, lack of sleep, etc. So, my hope is that with some help from homeopathy, I will be able to make my way and be a better mama.

Thanks for your advice.

Kb, I don't know you but I feel really sorry that your feeling so bad. I don't have any advice except you sound like an amazing mama to me!! It sounds like your exhausted and gee no wonder. You mean to tell me you nurse two children AND clean and cook!! Holy Moly mama!
I have just realized that nursing River (almost 3) is taking a huge toll out of me physically, so I can't imagine what tandem nursing must be doing to you.
I am in no means suggesting you wean, but just want to encourage you to be kind to you, and get some rest.
HUGS mama
anni

hAVE YOU HEARD OF TAKING oMEGA 3'S (LIKE A FLAX SEED OIL, OR FISH OIL) SUPPLEMENT. tHIS WAS RECOOMENDED TO ME FOR DEPRESSION--2 OR THREE TABLESPOONS A DAY DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOIR ME.

Also, there's a supplement called SAM-E that is supposed to be helpful.

I am a pretty crunchy mama, figured I could definitely handle my cyclical depression with a B complex, Omega 3 and 6 oils, plenty of exercise, counseling, naturopathic intervention, blah, blah, but I still wasn't enjoying my sweet boys. :(
7 days since starting drug therapy and I am feeling 100% better. I hope you find comfort and know that there is no shame in accepting help when help is needed.
Carrie

I am taking a homeopathic remedy now (started Wed.), and it really does seem to be helping. I just got some flax seed oil because I thought it would be good for us to be taking it during flu season. I haven't been taking it at all, but I will start again.

The homeopathy seems to have taken the "edge" off. I am not so freaked out by everything as I have been, not so inclined to yell (though, now I am catching myself doing it out of habit, but I don't feel the need, so I think I will be able to stop it quickly)--does that make sense?

I am also continuing to think some things out about my life and myself, and why I have found it so hard to parent my children over the past year or so. And I have some pretty good ideas (they are not so obvious that I could see them clearly before). I am thinking of starting a blog. I would like to share it with mamas here in case it might help someone else.


I'll keep you updated. Thanks, mamas for your help!