we are in a playgroup of about 7 other 2-2 1/2 year olds. one little boy in particular will come up to ds & push him down for no reason. of course ds cries which i think makes the bully want to do it more because he gets a reaction from ds. and ds will get a scared look on his face as the boy comes close to him.

there are two girls in the group that will either tell him no or push back whenever he comes up to them. they are much more vocally mature than ds. the last incident one girl said to the bully that was a bad thing to do which got a huge agreement from the other moms. the bully's mom takes him to "time out" in her lap and just forces him to sit there as he squirms and tells him that wasnt nice...blah, blah, blah......completely not effective if you ask me.

i guess my question is how do i teach ds to deal with this. should i teach him to push back (every time it happens i tell him the boy was wrong to push him and it isn't nice), so i dont really want to teach that. maybe ds just needs to run when he comes near. i'm just not sure what to do:mad:

tonya, we all have heard all of our lives growing up that two wrongs don't make a right. i think in order for this to really change you guys have to talk to the mom of the bully. you need to tell her how this is making you guys feel about the group, about her son and about the way her discipline does not seem to be changing his behavior.

i think if you don't talk to the mom- gently but still talk to her- you guys are going to have resentment to the mom and there is already some negative feelings toward the other child- the bully.

so teach cole that people aren't for hitting- that he needs to be gentle and that everyone has a right to their space... keep doing the right thing. you won't regret it. what you would regret is teaching cole how to become the very bully you don't like.

Originally posted by georgiadoula
tonya, we all have heard all of our lives growing up that two wrongs don't make a right. i think in order for this to really change you guys have to talk to the mom of the bully. you need to tell her how this is making you guys feel about the group, about her son and about the way her discipline does not seem to be changing his behavior.

I strongly urge you to not do that. As the mother of a "bully", I would deeply resent it if the moms from our playgroup ganged up on me and told me they didn't like the way I disciplined my child b/c it wasn't changing his behavior. Ya know what? He will most likely grow out of it, mine has. And if it wasn't for playgroup and that constant interaction with other children once a week, he probably wouldn't have grown out of it.

Is this "bully" verbal? Does he talk alot or a little? In our case alot of it was DS couldn't verbalize his emotions, likes, dislikes, etc.. is that a possibility with this child? It was very frustrating for my nonverbal child to be around children his age or younger who were speaking alot more, especially since none of them understood what he wanted or whatever. He would take toys, push, shove, hit, whatever when he was trying to expess his needs. All I could do was pick him up and tell him no and sit him in my lap for a minute (squirming and fighting me the entire time) and we had a three strike rule. If he got physical three times during playgroup, we left. Slowly, as he became more verbal and older, he stopped being the "bully".

I think at that age it's more than just being a "bully". I don't think he's doing it just to be mean. If you think you can talk to the mom about it without offending her, go for it, but if you think there is even the slightest possibility that you could offend her by speaking to her, I wouldn't even mention it if you value her friendship.

Just me two cents as the mom of a "bully".

I would lean towards offering up ideas to the mother (if you have some ideas other than what the mother is using) for changing the behavior. If she is a gentle mother, choosing not to spank, then it sounds like a "time-out" and a "talking to" is reasonable for his age. At 2, she can't reason with him, and make him understand that his actions are upsetting the other kids. She can try to tell him so, but he may not understand what she is talking about. She is removing him from the situation, forcing him to have a quiet time on her lap against his wishes, so he can see that his actions have negative consequences. I'm not sure there are many other options for her with a little one that age. All we used when our kids were that little, was "time-outs", "redirecting", and "explanations of what was expected and what was not allowed". After that, all we could do was wait for it to all sink in.

Is the mother watching him, and is she aware of when her ds might be getting rough? When my ds was little and acting out towards other children, I started watching him like a hawk when we were out with other children. We knew that certain group situations caused him discomfort, although we were never sure exactly when an instant might occur, but we were aware of the problem enough to always be watching, ready to step in and divert him when a situation began to shows signs of escalating. For a while we avoided groups of kids because we were afraid of other kids getting hurt, and having to look like bad parents because ds had issues with groups of kids.

If she really is a good-intentioned mom, I would just offer support and help her to be aware of when her son might be getting ready to act out. The repetition of her son being removed from play for a "time-out" every time he acts poorly, will eventually make a connection, and he will eventually know what things he shouldn't do if he wants to keep playing. He needs to be there so he can learn what's right and what's wrong. It sounds like she is trying to teach him that.

For your ds, he will naturally react in a way to protect himself. Avoidance is probably the best solution, since you don't want him getting physical or retaliating. If he voices his discomfort about the other boy, I would probably tell him to find another friend to play with, and point him in the direction of a calmer child. If he is too young for that, I would just make sure to be near your son so you can step in when he needs you and protect him from the other child, until the other child learns how to behave around other kids.

I don't think I would tell my kids to "push back". I would teach them to say firmly..."don't push me! or Stop! or No". My 2 yr old doesn't have a lot of words so he tends toward using his body to say no rather then his words. We are working on this. I would say his mom should "shadow" or follow him more closely until he can get control of his pushing. I don't think at 2 1/2 I would say it is bullying. I would say that he needs re-direction and alternate ways to handle his frustration. Maybe he is having problems with his personal space boundaries?

Ticia

even if a child KNOWS they shouldn't do something, they don't really develop impulse control until somewhere between 3 and 5 years old.. really, what are you *wanting* the mother to do? spank him? go home? :confused:

try to keep an eye on where who is during playgroup time.

I once was in a playgroup and a new member came in whose son would tackle (he was 2 1/2) the other kids. It was dangerous. He once tackled my son and my son nearly cracked his head on something going down. The mom just giggled and said that her hubby and child play wrestled for 'fun' :rolleyes: The same child threw a brick at my kid during outside time. Phew. I learned to follow my son with my eyes and run in to get him away from the other boy when he went his way.

It was tiring but others kind of did the same and now 12 yrs later..........:p ........I never see that mom or kid but am dear friends with the other moms from that group (seeing them for coffee on Sun)

We were nice to the mom and nice to the child but proactive in protecting our childrens' safety.

I definitely would not teach Cole to push back. I often tell Kaya to tell Cody..."please don't push me". It's a great way to teach them that pushing hurts other people's feelings.

I don't think it's unrealistic for this boy's mama to leave the playdate if he is acting this way repeatedly. The boy would eventually realize that if he pushes his friends, then he can't play with them. But I guess you couldn't ask her to leave....so what I would do is talk to Cole and tell him that if he sees the boy coming to put his hand out and say STOP!

Take it for what it is worth...I have a bully too, he is 3.5 now and much better. It started when he was 1.5. I'm not sure if he would have been a bully in a play group setting or not. But he could sure bully some of my daycare kids around. It sucks, it really does, especially when he would bully the same kid who was here every single day. I'm sure he just gets sick of having other kids in his house, but quitting daycare is not an option for us, we cannot make it without my income. Another problem I face every day is this, obviously consistancy is they key ingredient with kids and behavior. But sometimes, I CANNOT be consistant, becasue there always seems to be a child asleep in his bedroom when he needs to be removed from a situation.

It is a lot like a biter, you cannot stop a biter. They have to grow out of it. If it were my kid, I would have to quit going to the playgroup, because it is not fair to the other kids or parents. It really stinks to be the parent of a bully too, trust me the mom is wondering herself what to do with her child. She, I'm sure wants her child to have buddies, but it isn't working out so well for her.

Ugh, I feel for everyone in the playgroup. I can't wait until my son is totally over this! The crazy thing is, is that Gavin goes to pre-school and he is the most well behaved child for his teacher! She has NO problems with him, in fact he gets bullied sometimes and it breaks my heart, but what do you do? Good luck, I hope it gets better.

I used to hover...I think if you are the parent of a victim or of the bully, you should hover or not go to a playgroup with that age children. If you do then you can intervene with...*ouch, that hurts when you ____. see how sad it makes him?* ANd then I would tell my own , * you need to tell him, Stop! ____ I DON'T like that!* I would teach my own the ever-popular-and-effective-in-so-many-ways...STOP! with a hand help up with the universal symbol. It worked great. Gives the victim a voice (and easy for those not-so-verbally-inclined) and also grabs the attention of those adults around who may be missing something. I find this method works really well when you have a parent who seems either ambivalent to it or incapable of handling her own when there are scuffles.

I also distinctly remember play group being a HUGE drain at that age. THere was always someone doing something. Maybe it's just the 5 boys in our playgroup? or us? or it could just be that they were 2yos...they eventually outgrew it...well some do.

We've been in both situations before. Finn can be agressive when he's overly tired or hyped up and excited. Winnie is extremely sensitive and the smallest act of agression is a HUGE deal for her. Because of this, I hover. If Finn is wild and uncontrolled and cannot be redirected, we leave the situation. If Winnie is sensitive and not coping with the actions of another child, we leave. It stinks sometimes, but that's life with kids.

In your situation, I'd hover. It's likely that your hovering will alert the mom of the other child to the situation in a way she hasn't considered. If she doesn't intervene, you have the job of doing it to protect your son. You should mirror what you want your son to do. You can acknowledge this other childs actions with "oh no, honey, pushing hurts our friends" and then pay special attention to your child. "Cole, are you ok? It's not ok to use our hands for hitting is it.". It won't work overnight, but it will acknowledge to Cole that this is inappropriate behavior and he doesn't have to put up with it, that you will help him. This will get you through until this other child grows through this, and the mama maybe will see you modeling a different method of "discipline". She may even ask your advice :).

With all this being said, Finn's issue was impulse control. Young children (boys???, lol) don't have it, and don't understand what the big deal is. He may enjoy rough play and doesn't realize that all children don't. He's right at the age where they think the whole world sees things the same way they do. It's the same reason why they'll hide behind a pillow and say "come find me", not realizing you can still see them. They think that everyone likes what they like, and nobody likes what they don't like. It's a developmental stage that will pass. Most children this age don't do things to hurt or to cause pain. They just don't realize it DOES hurt or cause pain, since it doesn't to them.

Good luck. This is a hard age to socialize and interact. They're so young and so all-over-the-board with development that interaction is just chaos. This too will pass.

Originally posted by Ticiamama
I don't think I would tell my kids to "push back". I would teach them to say firmly..."don't push me! or Stop! or No". My 2 yr old doesn't have a lot of words so he tends toward using his body to say no rather then his words. We are working on this. I would say his mom should "shadow" or follow him more closely until he can get control of his pushing. I don't think at 2 1/2 I would say it is bullying. I would say that he needs re-direction and alternate ways to handle his frustration. Maybe he is having problems with his personal space boundaries?

Ticia

:ditto: You stole my words! I was also going to say that maybe if the other parents are shadowing their kids closely, the mom of the repetitive offender will step up and do the same thing. If she can pick up on his cues when he is about to strike, push, etc. and head them off by re-direction and reminding him that we don't hit, push, etc. then everyone could potentially be better off. It's exhausting both as the mom of an offender and a victim to do this kind of shadowing at a playgroup (especially when we get that critical social time for ourselves out of it) but IME, it almost always pays off and you can't put a price on keeping the kids safe. It can be a bit challenging when you have more than one kid on the playground, but in those instances where my attention has had to be narrowly focused on one of mine as either the one who is dishing it out or the one who is receiving it, I have found that relying on the other moms to keep an eye on the other one or two of my kids has worked out very well.

Originally posted by eastonbennett
. But he could sure bully some of my daycare kids around. It sucks, it really does, especially when he would bully the same kid who was here every single day. I'm sure he just gets sick of having other kids in his house, but quitting daycare is not an option for us, we cannot make it without my income. Another problem I face every day is this, obviously consistancy is they key ingredient with kids and behavior. But sometimes, I CANNOT be consistant, becasue there always seems to be a child asleep in his bedroom when he needs to be removed from a situation.



This is such a sad situation :( I've been there and I had to stop watching the little girl because of those same issues. Marcellus is two and he would pick on the little girl that I watched who was three and a half. She would not stick up for herself and even though I only watched her one-two days a week, I couldn't spend ten hours on that day in constant re-direction of my two year old. The babysitting situation put a ton of stress on all three of my kids and it happened to manifest itself in different ways through each of them with negative behaviors. I finally realized that enough was enough when my six year old told me that he really wished that the little girl wouldn't come over anymore. I don't know why it took my six year old telling me to make me realize that I needed to change the situation, especially when the behaviors of my younger two were so blatantly obvious, but I think I have a lot of hindsight on the situation now.

I'm sorry that quitting is not an option for you. It was tough to make that decision, as I was being paid a pretty decent amount for how much I watched her, but seeing my kids and how it affected them wasn't worth it to me. It was heartbreaking for me, I can't imagine the hopeless feeling one would have if they couldn't easily remedy the situation.

Originally posted by Korwynne
even if a child KNOWS they shouldn't do something, they don't really develop impulse control until somewhere between 3 and 5 years old.. really, what are you *wanting* the mother to do? spank him? go home? :confused:

for some reason this made me chuckle this morning:p
i don't really know what i want the mother to do. it's not like her son singles out mine and goes for him every time, but it is always completely unprovoked. he just walks up to ds and pushes him down and walks away. they don't really play together, just all in the same area, whether it be a park or home or other setting.

i told dh last night i wish i could show ds to hold his arms out in front of himself (crossed infront of his face/chest) and yell STOP or NO as this boy approaches, but he is too young for that. of course dh wants him to fight back/protect himself. but i think at this age it isn't about fighting and is about character development and what we want to teach our son about how to treat other people.

so looks like my best option is to stay really close to ds while in playgroup and redirect him when the other boy comes near since i know what will probably happen. i would love to have the other mom do the same and redirect her son when he goes up to others, but you never know when he will push and when he wont. she does say that when he gets tired/hungry it is worse, but last week they were there no less than 10 minutes before the 1st push (yes...it happened twice last week). i know she feels stress over this and is doing the best she can and i don't blame her or think she is doing badly, i just need help teaching cole how to deal with it.

so, thanks for all of your suggestions. i do not think now would be the best time to talk to the mom (if i decide to do that) because she is due with her 2nd boy any day now. so it is likely we won't see them for a couple of weeks unless his grandparents bring him to play.

What I have done in the past and I know it's not popular, but if they are in my house, I will speak to the child pushing even if the mother is right there. It's my house and in my house the rules are no pushing, hitting, etc.. The parents never have minded. I know for my children if they ever do anything (they aren't bullies btw, just an example) to act out and another parent says something to them it makes them stop and kinda recollect themselves.
It sounds like the mother is aware of this behavior and is trying and being as pg. as she is I'm sure the last thing she would want is a group of ppl confronting her.
Maybe next time if and when he pushes your child and you catch him doing so maybe you could just speak up to the child in a loving but firm way and I can almost bet the mother won't mind esp. if she is frustrated with it as well.

When my now 18 year old was in this situation 15 years ago, I stayed very near her. The moms always visited in the same room that the children were playing, so I just sat on the floor with dd, so I could ward off the bully and be in the thick of the play. I would just say to the bully as she approached any child, "not OK to push" and I would try to redirect her and get her involved in an activity. Children age 2, don't quite know how to play with other children. At around 3, they start trying to figure out how to become involved in group play. Often, children push or hit as they approach the group, because they don't have the verbal skills to ask if they can join. Pushing and hitting is their way of saying "I'm here and I want to play" or "I'm bored and don't know what to do with myself".

Originally posted by colesmama
so looks like my best option is to stay really close to ds while in playgroup and redirect him when the other boy comes near since i know what will probably happen. i would love to have the other mom do the same and redirect her son when he goes up to others, but you never know when he will push and when he wont. she does say that when he gets tired/hungry it is worse, but last week they were there no less than 10 minutes before the 1st push (yes...it happened twice last week). i know she feels stress over this and is doing the best she can and i don't blame her or think she is doing badly, i just need help teaching cole how to deal with it.

Good plan :) Oh, and don't be surprised if the other mom picks up on the close shadowing that you and the other moms are doing to keep your kids safe. She may realize that she needs to do the same thing after seeing everyone re-direct her child and re-direct their children away from the situation.

Good luck!

No pushing back. It's not up to 2 yr olds to take care of themselves anyway! That's our job!

Parents need to supervise. They need to be *rightthere*. We had a busy little guy in our group and the mothers were all in it together. We didn't single him out, or single the mother out. We talked about how we all needed to keep a careful eye on the kids and help him in particular navigate a world that was a little frustrating to him. The mother was well aware of it, and I told her he would outgrow it and not to worry, that at playgroup we would all help. He's 5 now and as sweet as can be. It didn't get pushed back by by other children and the other parents were not mean to him.

We all watched carefully, but nicely, (I encourage you to not watch with sighs or judgement. Thatwon't help anyone). We talked about whoever saw whatever would intervene calmly. We said "gentle with our freinds", we made sure there were enough toys etc. But mostly we were *rightthere* taking care that all of the children were safe. I told my own child that we needed to be gentle with each other, and that sometimes children need help, and I was there to help.

And please remember-- he's not a bully! He's 2 years old. He needs to come out of toddlerhood at least knowing the people around him care about him. The last thing any toddler needs is too see the world as a war zone he has to navigate himself. If parents are not able to gently supervise two yr olds, there is no point to a playgroup.

Originally posted by Brandy
Good plan :) Oh, and don't be surprised if the other mom picks up on the close shadowing that you and the other moms are doing to keep your kids safe. She may realize that she needs to do the same thing after seeing everyone re-direct her child and re-direct their children away from the situation.

Good luck!

Yes! Also, feel free to redirect the boy who pushes too. Oops! brandy said that too. Sorry for the repeat.

I think she will jump in when she sees that you do want your children to be able to play together. They just need some help learning how.

Also, I wanted to say that 2 1/2 year olds are still babies no matter how much language or skill they have. They are still all about cause and effect (and impulses!).

The little guy's life looks this way to him:

I push.
He falls.
I push.
She falls.
I push.
She cries.
I push.
His mom takes him away.
I push.
My mom comes.

He is just seeing what happens when he does what he is doing.

My guess is that the mom doesn't know what to do either and she is feeling like she would like to do something. She just doesn't know what. So, give her some help too. :)

Originally posted by Mamax4
No pushing back. It's not up to 2 yr olds to take care of themselves anyway! That's our job!

Parents need to supervise. They need to be *rightthere*. We had a busy little guy in our group and the mothers were all in it together. We didn't single him out, or single the mother out. We talked about how we all needed to keep a careful eye on the kids and help him in particular navigate a world that was a little frustrating to him. The mother was well aware of it, and I told her he would outgrow it and not to worry, that at playgroup we would all help. He's 5 now and as sweet as can be. It didn't get pushed back by by other children and the other parents were not mean to him.

We all watched carefully, but nicely, (I encourage you to not watch with sighs or judgement. Thatwon't help anyone). We talked about whoever saw whatever would intervene calmly. We said "gentle with our freinds", we made sure there were enough toys etc. But mostly we were *rightthere* taking care that all of the children were safe. I told my own child that we needed to be gentle with each other, and that sometimes children need help, and I was there to help.

And please remember-- he's not a bully! He's 2 years old. He needs to come out of toddlerhood at least knowing the people around him care about him. The last thing any toddler needs is too see the world as a war zone he has to navigate himself. If parents are not able to gently supervise two yr olds, there is no point to a playgroup.

Yes to all of this and also to reiterate to removed judgement whenever possible. Something I try to keep in mind in all situations is:

Assume positive intent. Then, act accordingly.

-Stacy

Originally posted by LifesaBeach
I used to hover...

ITA. Bryce was a biter and I never let him get more than an arms length away. It was totally exhausing, but worked to keep the other kids safe. He grew out of it. ;) Tough call on what to say to the mom. She'll probably be offended if you don't handle it really carefully.

Can the mothers just have a nice conversation about this? It was so easy to do in our playgroup. The mother wasn't dumb -- she could see it. We just all decided together to help each other and the kids. What's so terrible about talking about it and working together to make the group pleasant? Why shadow a chld without letting the mother know? She must know her child is pushing and I am sure she would rather it be handled sympathetically out in the open. There is no shame in a busy 2 yr old.

Originally posted by Tap dancin mama
ITA. Bryce was a biter and I never let him get more than an arms length away. It was totally exhausing, but worked to keep the other kids safe. He grew out of it. ;)

It is so great that you were on top of that Kelly. Your post reminded me of a friend who was about to go on a group camping trip with us and she sent out this email to the list beforehand. Her dd was about 18 months at the time...

"The bad news is that dd is pretty aggressive, so I just want to warn all of you so that no one gets hurt. She has pretty much either bitten, scratched or grabbed every child she has come into contact with. It’s not in a mean way, just a “I want your attention, but I can’t verbalize my thoughts” way.

I am really attentive and make a concerted effort to shadow her where ever I go, but she is really fast and sometimes I can’t deflect her attacks. I just thought I’d give everyone a heads up!

On the flip side, ds is incredibly gentle and always comes to check on dd's victims. Unfortunately he doesn’t understand half of what I say, so this should be one hum-dinger of a weekend!"

I thought it was a great way to acknowledge that her dd had some issues that we all needed to be aware of and it made everyone more alert to the situation allowing them to anticipate and gently re-direct. I won't say me personally, since my lovely friend Ticia watched my kids the whole time while I was sick as a dog in my tent with the flu...but from what I heard...lol...everyone was able to avoid these situations because the mom was shadowing her dd and everyone was aware of the potential for this to happen.

I'm just being redundant here but someone needs to be RIGHT THERE at all times. It sounds like his mama is feeling a little tired being pg and all, but someone (you perhaps) needs to be right there. Parker was like that and I could never sit w/ a cup of coffee and chat w/ the other moms. I had to be right w/ him at all times. IMO playgroups are not so the moms can sit and chat while the kids play together like little angels. Playgroups are an opportunity for kids to socialize w/ their peers and they need supervision!!

Sometimes I felt bad b/c it seemed like none of the other moms had to hover around *their* kids... but it was what I had to do. It's fun though to play w/ all those kiddos :D

Originally posted by Brandy
I thought it was a great way to acknowledge that her dd had some issues that we all needed to be aware of and it made everyone more alert to the situation allowing them to anticipate and gently re-direct.


What a funny email for her to send. But at least everyone had a heads up and were able to enjoy the trip.

Originally posted by Tap dancin mama
What a funny email for her to send. But at least everyone had a heads up and were able to enjoy the trip.

I used to say the same to our playgroup moms and other kids we came in contact with. DS gets physical, he can't verbalize, nothing I can do will change this behavior, he will grow out of it, and so on. They were all pretty sympathetic, although I do have one friend who gets snippy with me whenever Connor is protecting himself from HER son!!! She always seems to catch it as Connor's about to retaliate. :rolleyes:

Some kids are just more physical than others and lack impulse control. I think there are lots of good ideas here for you.

One thing that I haven't seen mentioned is that maybe you need to encourage your son to not let it bother him. Yes, pushing isn't good. But really, it is unlikely that getting pushed over REALLY hurts.

I look at my 2 1/2 yr old and there are times when she gets knocked over or trips or bonks herself and I've seen her look about for sympathy. If she doesn't see anyone watching, she will bounce right up and keep on going. She has also come to me and pointed out an old wound (mostly healed) and say "boo-boo" and get all pouty with the crocodile tears! I know she isn't hurt though :) But I give her a quick hug and say 'you're okay' and she goes on.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that if it was my son that was getting pushed (BTDT - also been mom of the pushee - had a biter too) I would say "you're okay, you aren't hurt" while I give that hug. Teaching them that it really isn't the end of the world to fall down. But then again, I have super rough and tumble kids that don't get hurt easily.

I'm not saying deny them comfort - just don't let them make it a big deal. It is not the end of the world to get pushed down. KWIM?

I would also find ways for my son to invite the other child to play side by side. That helps model proper behavior to everyone.

Originally posted by MGray


I would also find ways for my son to invite the other child to play side by side. That helps model proper behavior to everyone.

that's a great idea and in the past i have even had my ds go to him and offer a hug to let him know he is ok and they can still be friends. the boy has not been encouraged to appologize in any of the situations. and i know 2 year olds might not really get that yet, but you have to start somewhere. i tell cole that if he hurts someone he is to say i'm sorry (like when he throws a train at my head). he can't say it, but i know he understands. (then he kissed my head).

Originally posted by MGray

One thing that I haven't seen mentioned is that maybe you need to encourage your son to not let it bother him. Yes, pushing isn't good. But really, it is unlikely that getting pushed over REALLY hurts.

I look at my 2 1/2 yr old and there are times when she gets knocked over or trips or bonks herself and I've seen her look about for sympathy. If she doesn't see anyone watching, she will bounce right up and keep on going. She has also come to me and pointed out an old wound (mostly healed) and say "boo-boo" and get all pouty with the crocodile tears! I know she isn't hurt though :) But I give her a quick hug and say 'you're okay' and she goes on.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that if it was my son that was getting pushed (BTDT - also been mom of the pushee - had a biter too) I would say "you're okay, you aren't hurt" while I give that hug. Teaching them that it really isn't the end of the world to fall down. But then again, I have super rough and tumble kids that don't get hurt easily.

I'm not saying deny them comfort - just don't let them make it a big deal. It is not the end of the world to get pushed down. KWIM?



I see what you're saying and I respectfully disagree. I feel like we need to acknowledge what our children are feeling when they are hurt. I usually say "ouch, that must have hurt" or "that must have hurt your feelings." I think that many times, it's the feelings that are hurt in these cases, and that is just as deserving of a hug and acknowledgement as a physical boo boo. Especially at this age, it helps them to recognize their feelings and work on better verbalizing them.

I never said don't hug and comfort your child. I'm just saying that sometimes we mothers will inadvertantly teach our children that the little spills in life are painful, when they are really not that bad.

I said - while I hug my child I tell them "you're okay, that wasn't so bad". It helps teach them some perspective. My kids are all pretty rough and tumble and it seems to take a lot to make them cry. I believe this is learned through being told that it doesn't hurt to fall down.

Don't get me wrong - I give my kids comfort if they are hurt. But unless you are pushed into something, it really doesn't hurt really bad to get pushed down. Its not worth carrying on over. If you teach your child to bounce back from situations like that, then they are less likely to be bullied or victimized.

I can't do much to change the way another parent handles her kid, but I can teach my child to handle that kid. I can teach my child to not let it bug them, to not be a target. That was what I was getting at.

Melinda

well - yes - if a kid is used to being rough and tumble with closely spaced sibs - normal occasional bumps and pushes really don't upset them that much becaue they are used to it. Though biting and hard pushing is different.

However - with a kid that's being a bully - I agree that the mom should really be asked to follow her kid around or keep him within arms length. Then if she can't do that and the kid is hurting people - she should just take him home. Otherwise that's not fair to everyone else. I've had to do that with my own kids (michael was a biter) even when pg or with a new baby and it's hard.

Many, many times - I would (and still do) have to leave somewhere because one of my children is just not behaving well enough to stay even if I would like to stay. The older they get - the rarer that gets because they do learn that bad behaviour and hurting other children means we go home and dont' get to stay and play.

Though for me because I have many closely spaced kids - I also often have to be keeping a biter/hitter near me at home too - which is also exhausting. I remember almost a year of not being able to leave Michael for even a minute with Melissa and Maddy - even to go to the bathroom or turn and cook supper/put in laundry or he would have hurt one of them. In fact - he STILL bites sometimes. :rolleyes: So I do feel for the mom - but being pg, tired is not an excuse to let your kid continue to hurt other people's kids.

Originally posted by MGray
I never said don't hug and comfort your child. I'm just saying that sometimes we mothers will inadvertantly teach our children that the little spills in life are painful, when they are really not that bad.

I said - while I hug my child I tell them "you're okay, that wasn't so bad". It helps teach them some perspective. My kids are all pretty rough and tumble and it seems to take a lot to make them cry. I believe this is learned through being told that it doesn't hurt to fall down.

Don't get me wrong - I give my kids comfort if they are hurt. But unless you are pushed into something, it really doesn't hurt really bad to get pushed down. Its not worth carrying on over. If you teach your child to bounce back from situations like that, then they are less likely to be bullied or victimized.

I can't do much to change the way another parent handles her kid, but I can teach my child to handle that kid. I can teach my child to not let it bug them, to not be a target. That was what I was getting at.

Melinda

nak

melinda-i agree that lots of falls and spills don't hurt at all...but they can be scary. another kid pushing you over is scary!!! when my child falls down or has an 'encounter' with another child who is threatening to them in any way...hugs, cuddles, and acknwledgement of her emotions follow.."was that scary?" "are you hurt/ouchie?" i remember feeling scared as a kid-and i felt relief when somone aknowledged it.

i don't think it creates victims at all...actually if my dd has a a scary ouchie situation...she ususally is kind of tough about it.

i worry that if i say to my child"that wasn't so bad" that i am teaching her that her feelings are not worthwhile or valid. i don't ever want to teach my child to stuff her feelings...she'll end up with an ulcer. i can still teach her to say 'no' and 'don't push me" and still allow her feelings if it does happen...
just my 2 cents