I am dying here. I really am having trouble with this.

Story... my best friend got busted for a DUI the on election day (yes.. the day sucked a$$). I got woken up at 1:30am to go and get her car from 5 blocks away because she was taken to jail. She just so happened to get busted in Don's city. This is where you say "&^($$ck"... yep. So Don goes to the station last night and gets crap from the guys that work there already... (Does anyone remember that the one of the guys Don used to work with got pulled over with 20 baggies of weed and over $1300 last year in the SAME CITY!) Well now the heat turns up. He is getting lectures from people at the station because he is "so new" and "still in diapers" etc, and then this. Well now it just doesn't stop. Last night he was joking with a guy and the guy pulled aside Dons supervisor and told him that Don had no right to joke with anyone that has been there for any length of time. He is brand new and all he knows about him is that he is fresh out of the acadamy and that his wifes bf got busted for drunk driving. WTF?????? What does that have to do with DON? What does that even have to do with ME!?!

And it gets worse. Apparently the woman who my bf was hanging out with was trashed (hence why bf drove), and she FLIPPED. And guess what... they all decided to watch the video while Don was on shift the last night.

I don't know how long I can do this. I know I have been judgemental about the cops, but $h*t! I have not been nearly as judgemental as THEM.

I just need a hug. He had no idea how hard this would be on me... and I am really starting to worry about it being too hard. I am on the verge of tears just thinking about it.

Love Val

Oh Val!!! :hug: :big hug:

I'm sorry. That sucks. I can totally see it happening, though, too - even though it SHOULDN'T. I mean, them thinking somehow your friend's actions have to do with you and who you are, and Don and who he is.

Man.

Well, I don't think it has anything to do at all with being crunchy. What your friend did was unlawful, and very very dangerous. Sorry your DH is getting flack about it though.

Yikes Val. Driving drunk??? Scary. Very.

How did they know she/they were your friends though????

Sounds like most people, however right or wrong, and you are guilty by association. )o:

How awful to be judged that way :( You weren't driving drunk! However, I don't think it has anything to do with being crunchy......driving drunk is horrible, and it does look bad. It shouldn't reflect badly ON YOU, though.

I kinda get how it does look bad, though......your dh is new, no one really knows him, all they do know that his wifes best friend is a drunk driver........I can see them giving him crap for that, yk?

I'm the wife of a teacher. What I do with my personal life shouldn't be anyones business, but, the fact is, what I do in public could effect my husband......teachers are one of those "moral" professions, like cops. There's been cases of teachers getting fired because their wives were strippers........my dh worked at one school district where another male teachers was warned not to discuss his soon-to-be baby, as he wasn't married (had a live in girlfriend and was thrilled to be a dad) and parents complained.

I think you'll get through it; your dh is a good man and is doing something he feels is worthwhile, and I'm glad that there are good cops out there! You don't have to support his co-workers, just him :) There are crappy, judgemental, ignorant people in any profession.

Hugs to you

Kristi

The thing is, I know how scary that is... and the facts of it is I have been drunk twice EVER. I have been stoned 4 times, ever. I am strait laced, and I don't do things like that at all. And Don and I are very similar. Most of our friends are shocked to see us accept a beer at all... even at parties and such. So this is very much a blow to me.

But the reason I was saying it was crunchy (and it isn't really a correct corallation (sp?).) Is that we are friends with LOTS of pot heads. Not just me, but Don too. Those two cultures don't really mix. (cop and pot head I mean), and things are starting to come up all the time about it. The only reason we are friends with so many pot heads is that we share similar values in what we want to see in the world. But that is usually where the similarities end with Don... with me they go further... but anyway... I don't even know if I am making sense.

I am just upset about it... it feels wrong and sad that they would judge Don especially since he is SO strait laced (even more than me) and so therefor would not be caught dead doing that. We have always been the "drivers" in our group because we don't like to be drunk... anyway...

It just sucks... but I feel a little better about it. Today I saw another cop friend of Dons at noon in Barnes and Noble... he was totally cool with me. So it can't be all of them... you know?

Love Val

well part of it might be just them giving him crap. You know, it's a guy thing where they feel the need to pick on each other as a form of initiation... They are likely just seeing how he takes it, is he going to take the ribbing and be cool or will he get upset you know. It's like freshman year of highschool where everyone had to figure out where you fit in :rolleyes: I'm sure it will blow over and they'll find something else to rib him about and eventually there will be another new guy that will take the ribbing for something.

they're spinning the natural living stereo-type into the over-blown-freaky-dirty-hippy-pot-head-drinking-smoking-no-responsibility-having stereo-type and taking you along for the ride.

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice guys.

Bet it is just a bunch of hazing he has to go through, though. If it wasn't this angle, they'd find something else to ride his ass about -- he is the newbie.

Chin up!

Originally posted by emilytoys
they're spinning the natural living stereo-type into the over-blown-freaky-dirty-hippy-pot-head-drinking-smoking-no-responsibility-having stereo-type and taking you along for the ride.

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice guys.

Bet it is just a bunch of hazing he has to go through, though. If it wasn't this angle, they'd find something else to ride his ass about -- he is the newbie.

Chin up!

Yep... thats it exactly. :rolleyes: Isn't that sweet???

This is what Don said too... if it was not about our pot smoking friends, it would be something else. And at least the guy I met in Barnes and Noble was cool... but aparently someone dropped out of the program because it was too much pressure for him. :( I did not know that...

My dad used to be a jail educator. He said that he did not remember until I told him about this instance, but cops rass each other HARD. He said that it is sort of part of the job to have a thick skin to stuff like this. Maybe so... but I sure as hell was not prepared for it.

There are so many things that I was not understanding were just part of this career. I keep wondering if I am going to make it... I mean I just spent three years waiting and working my a$$ off for him to get this, and now I have to deal with more crap before we are even at the end?

This 2 week long PMS does not help... nor does the bloating that comes with it. I feel awful. And this is only cycle #4 since I stopped nursing. Yuck! And I have no time to myself because every minute he has he is either gone, or sleeping. I can't wait until the pay check at least reflect a tiny itty bitty fraction of what we are sacrificing to make this all work. At least then I can get a babysitter to go to my yoga classes. I know that money stress on top of all this is just killing any chance of a good mood like at all.

Love Val

I was just talking to a neighbor of mine, who has been a Philadelphia cop for 26 years. He was saying he went to his old district the other day, and most of the cops are really young, early 20's. I asked him if he razzed them about him being on the force longer than they were alive. He said, nah, they're good kids, yada yada, but went on to mention that when he was new, the older cops were hard on him- he mentioned being in the car with a partner, for 8 hours, and the partner never talked to him. He said, yeah, that's how it was til they really get to know & trust you. Kinda tough, but those who tough it out make good cops.

It's part of developing a thick skin - very much a part of the cop mentality. Sounds like you live in a small area - can't imagine why else people would connect you to your friend. This will pass in time, after the other cops have had a chance to see what Don is made of and how he reacts under pressure. It's not a good idea for either of you to take it personally - doesn't solve anything and only hurts you. It will stop eventually. IMO, be glad they are giving him some grief, it's part of becoming accepted in the department. I would be more concerned if no one was talking to him. My mom always told me "if someone teases you, it's because they like you" - strange logic, but it's a reality in Law Enforcement.

I worked as a police dispatcher for 3 years and was subjected to much of the same teasing as the police officers.
New guys/girls are always teased and made fun of, and if they realize it bugs the person, they'll do it more. If he can shrug it off and deal with it then it should improve.
And older cops are always threatened by newer ones - they're younger, usually better looking, and more idealistic (usually).

I think the best thing you could do right now is support your DH, I'm not sure if you mentioned how he was handling it but if he can handle it at the moment then he needs you to help him at home. Or he may just stop telling you about it, and then hold it in.

And yes - your friend broke the law & could have killed someone.

And PLEASE keep in mind that your husband's DUTY is to uphold the law, no matter where he is, whether on or off duty. That is part of his job, and part of the oath he took. So try to understand that may be hard for him given your circle of friends.

Originally posted by DanAbimytwomira
I worked as a police dispatcher for 3 years and was subjected to much of the same teasing as the police officers.
New guys/girls are always teased and made fun of, and if they realize it bugs the person, they'll do it more. If he can shrug it off and deal with it then it should improve.
And older cops are always threatened by newer ones - they're younger, usually better looking, and more idealistic (usually).

I think the best thing you could do right now is support your DH, I'm not sure if you mentioned how he was handling it but if he can handle it at the moment then he needs you to help him at home. Or he may just stop telling you about it, and then hold it in.

And yes - your friend broke the law & could have killed someone.

And PLEASE keep in mind that your husband's DUTY is to uphold the law, no matter where he is, whether on or off duty. That is part of his job, and part of the oath he took. So try to understand that may be hard for him given your circle of friends. He could even lose his job over it if it were found out that he witnessed the law being broken and took no action.

Originally posted by DanAbimytwomira
And yes - your friend broke the law & could have killed someone.

And PLEASE keep in mind that your husband's DUTY is to uphold the law, no matter where he is, whether on or off duty. That is part of his job, and part of the oath he took. So try to understand that may be hard for him given your circle of friends.

It was not that I disagreed with what happened. She got what she diserved... it should have happened a long time ago... I don't need people telling me that what she did was wrong. She and I disagree with many things about her lifestyle... she also smokes around her children (never in the house) and she gets stoned while her children are awake. The thing that I have a problem with it is that Don and I are getting crap for that... when not only does he not do any of those things 'anymore'... but we NEVER did that at all.

Don is super easy going and just lets it roll off his back, but I will be honest... I DON'T. I have enough trouble being the wife of a man who does not share my values without this macho BS from the PD.

What I am thinking as of this very moment is that this choice of his is going to ruin my marriage... now, later, whatever... it is just a matter of time before I blow at all of this insensitive crap and him 'just having to deal with it'. This is not the life I married into... period. I would not have picked this life if I had the choice. This is harder than I EVER imagined. HE made this choice, not me... What effects him, I deal with... this does not effect him. It effects me. For him "it is all a learning experience". And how wonderful for him. I am not interested in learning that what people think about cops is true. That many of them are a$$holes. I am a humanist at heart... I like thinking that the stereotypes of the people are wrong. Wefare people do not sit on their a$$ and have kids to get money... foster care is ok in many places... cops can be caring people like my dh and still be cops. The 84% divorce rate of cops does not apply to me and Don. I don't know anymore. I am also not interested in learning that just how different Don and I are. I adore my dh, but having these things thrown in my face all the time is really getting to me. In that I would be happy to stay blissfully ignorant thank you.

Don said that have no idea what it is like being in the middle of two worlds. Um yeah... whatever. I am a teen mom who not only finished highschool, but I have a BA as well and got it before I turned 21. I am a hippie who is not part of the 'pot culture'. I am a extreamly poor person living in a neighborhood of Vets, Lawyers, and District Attorney's. I was raised by a complete pot head on one side and a devout Luthern on the other. Yep... I have NO CLUE what he is dealing with. What BS.

(BTW she got Neglegent driving and lost her liscence for 90 days or until treatment is completed, which ever comes first. They took the DUI off her record because by the time she got to the station she blew a .0809 (which was over an hour after they picked her up... when she was picked up she was a .1 something). They considered that her friend was RAVING drunk and her other friend was without a liscence, and there for she was actually the most fit to drive. Even though she was above the limit. That is what the judge said. So he let her off easy... but still... she has to go and do alcohol therapy and probation, and now she has a record.)

Love Val

Edited to say: Excuse me... I am PMS'ing and angry. I also am having trouble with people telling me she did something wrong like I don't know that. I am one of those "I always wear my seat belt" type people. Don and I are law abiding to the highest degree... we even clean our dryer vents once a year due to fire codes. But I am getting lumped in with my pothead friends. Great. I picked my friends because they shared my values about the world... not because they shared my habits. :wah: You know??

I am guessing the way they see it is guilt by association, which is not always true. Sucks, yes, but I can see why they would think that perhaps you or he or both are/were involved with that sort of thing.

Val, I'm sorry that your marriage is being affected by this so much. That sucks!

I was just thinking when I was reading your posts, WHY did Don become a cop? What are his reasons. Does he want to help people, help crack the "bad cop" stereotype, make a difference in his communtiy? I mean, I know that you said you were against it, but do you support his REASONS for doing it? Would it help to think about those reasons when you are having such a hard time and admire your dh's strength and courage in a very harsh world?

And I know you must know how hard it is for him to see you having to deal with this BS b/c of his carrer choice, right? I've never met him, but I can't imagine him being so naive and insensitive to your feelings, otherwise you wouldn't have married him.

Well those are my thoughts for you. I hope you are feeling better. Let me know if you ever need anything. I know how much we all need girlfriends!:rub:

Thanks Jenn. I think that we did not really know what we were getting into and that is the base for this. The more we learn how different the Cop World and the rest of the world is, well it is just more different then I can handle at the moment.

His reasoning was something I agreed with wholeheartedly. He was doing it so he could do something with his life that had strong meaning. He enjoyed being an artist, but was not part of the rest of the lifestyle (drugs and such) and without that he felt like he was sort of outside looking in, but doing all the work. KWIM? He was part of the job, but not part of the culture. I think that is the way I feel about his new job. I am the one on the outside... and I am the one that is getting effected by this. And I am not so sure I like that change. But it is the middle of the change and it is going to come with discourse like any other change. I just have to wait it out.

I want to come down this weekend! But we don't have the cash and there is no way I can even get down there. :( I want to see you guys soon though. :)

Love Val

His reasoning was something I agreed with wholeheartedly. He was doing it so he could do something with his life that had strong meaning. He enjoyed being an artist, but was not part of the rest of the lifestyle (drugs and such) and without that he felt like he was sort of outside looking in, but doing all the work. KWIM? He was part of the job, but not part of the culture. I think that is the way I feel about his new job. I am the one on the outside... and I am the one that is getting effected by this. And I am not so sure I like that change. But it is the middle of the change and it is going to come with discourse like any other change. I just have to wait it out.

Talk about going from one extreme to the other! Whoa! Val-I just can't imagine! I have a hard enough time making friends with people I have tons of things in common with, let alone total opposites. Just keep coming here and venting, I bet it helps a lot! To write your feelings down and get support from others.

Maybe we can plan a get together with Katie sometime next month. Maybe before her surgery. Give her some woman support. I would really like to plan a little circle ceremony for her to help honor this passing she is going through. maybe we should talk about this..

Yikes. Not all depts. are like that tho. My dh's WHOLE family are druggies, drunks, dirtbags, whatever/ you name it. And NO ONE in his dept. says anything to dh about it.

Those guys are just reinforcing the stereotype that most cops are a$$es. And I agree that it's the "rookie" treatment. But, it seems like they are taking it a bit far.

they're spinning the natural living stereo-type into the over-blown-freaky-dirty-hippy-pot-head-drinking-smoking-no-responsibility-having stereo-type and taking you along for the ride.

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice guys.


My dh really isn't one to typecast people. But, 90% of the "hippie, natural" looking folks he deals with ARE pothead-dirty-no responsibility people. So, it's kind of hard not to. He pulls them over, and if they are doing something illegal or have drugs he arrests them. If not, says "thanks for your time" and let's them go.

I've had to give up some friends because of dh's job. One of my good friend's dh was an inmate. I had to break things off with her. I would expect NO LESS from my dh either. If I was the cop and my dh associated with non-law abiding people I would expect him to break tyes with them. It is hard. But, I love my dh more than my friends.

Sorry this is such a hard time for you. I do feel your pain. It takes a while to adjust. It did for me. And I still get frustrated and mad at dh because of his job. But, I :heart: the old terd!

Wow.....

My dh has been a cop for about 20 years. And I will tell you, I have been with him for 6. I don't always agree with or like some of the crap he has to deal with, but I support him 100% because that is what he chose for a career. Cops get a bad rap, but if someone beat, raped, killed, stole from, broke into..... you or anyone you know...you would want a cop there before the incident was done. Maybe it is time to change your circle of friends. I did a bit when I met DH, but it was definately for the better. Once I stopped hanging out with a few people I realized they really weren't the type of people I wanted to be associated with anyway. I am not like them, but the old saying goes "birds of a feather flock together"

If you don't want your marriage to fall apart, you need to talk to him. If he can't unload his crappy day to you, and get support, he will find someone else who will listen. You don't have to agree or understand why work is the way it is, you just have to listen, be strong and be by his side...beacuse the little bit of crap you get, he will get 100 times worse.

I know it is a lot of ramblings...but if you need to chat, LMK~
Sherrie

Just sending you hugs and positive thoughts Val. My husband chose his field without me realizing all that it would entail and I resent it a lot of the time. So I know where you're coming from. But it is what it is and it's what makes him happy so the only thing I can do is try and be more supportive. You guys can get past this.