We went to visit dh's family, whom we haven't seen in 2.5 years. Every time we've gone to visit, his sister, mother and aunt make a big deal out of me breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding (and tandem-oh my!). It's sort of a novelty, since none of them have ever done it. They make jokes and comments. I laugh at first, I can see humor in it, it's cute.

This time, I was ready to punch somebody.

His sister couldn't go 3 minutes without saying something like "See, I get my baby's milk from a can and he's still alive!" or "Oh, how nice it is to throw this poopy diaper in the trash!" or "I'm not afraid to spank my kids!" I didn't say anything to provoke this. I feel to each their own. I never preached to her about any of these issues. I didn't argue with her when she insisted that the formula was the same thing as breastmilk because the can says "nutrients found in breastmilk". I kept my mouth shut when she said "I get mine from a can, and once you're 6 months old, I say 'no more!, you get cow's milk' that sh*t's too expensive to do it for a year!" I know it's pointless to argue, I won't change her mind, she won't change mine. So, why did I have to listen to this NON-STOP?? She kept saying crap like she needed to convince me or herself that she was doing an ok job with her kids. Like, I was SO threatening because I do things differently. I don't act self-righteous, I don't judge. She doesn't think it's all that important to use car seats, well I do. I didn't say a word. But she sees my 5 year old in a carseat and goes on and on about how her kids are just fine and happy without them.
I shouldn't even mention the crap his aunt said (but I will! I need to get this out!)
"OH MY GOD!! Shannon!! what are you thinking????" (in regards to breastfeeding my one year old)
"OH for heaven's sake!! What is your problem??!!" (in regards to breastfeeding my 3 year old)
"Oh my God, that's just disgusting!!!!" (in regards to cloth diapers)
She says these things very loudly.
Why do people think that this is an acceptable way to treat a family member, a guest, a fellow mother?

I've never experianced such negativity. I've never had anyone say such things to me. I've never been made to feel like I'm stupid and don't know any better because I have different choices. I've never wanted to cry, scream and fight so badly in my life. I'm very disappointed in my in-laws.

I learned that there are people out there who are very insecure in their choices. I learned that there are people that think they can say anything they want to someone that they assume has no feelings.

I learned that I'm VERY happy we don't live near his family, and we only see them every few years.

((HUGS)) mama! I can't believe that they would all say that to you!

:big hug: sorry you had to deal w/ them. i think i wouldnt go back unless dh was willing to go to battle for you.

Where was your husband while this was going on? Couldn't he have stepped forward at some point and said, "Enough!"

If he wasn't there to know, could he write them a letter now that says, "Let me know when you're done being a defensive jerk so we can visit again . . ."

Only, you know, far more diplomatically ;)

I don't know why some people get so defensive when others choose to make different life choices from thier own. I so understand the position you are in. I had the same situation because I hs my kids. Certain members of my family saw it as a personal affront to thier life choices and went on and on about WHY they do the things they do, and honestly - I couldn't give a who if they hs or ps thier kids or not. I can only concentrate on my own issues. They went on and on until it finally turned into a shouting match - and I NEVER said one word about what they should do with thier kids. Sigh.... family can be so difficult, because they feel they have a right to say things that would be better off unsaid. {{{HUGS}}} sounds like you didn't have much fun.

I'm so sorry mama. Honestly, you did the right thing by taking the high road and letting them blather on showing their own ignorance, but I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

Wow, Shannon...that must have been SUCH an un-fun trip! I am so sorry.

Honestly, I would never go back. I mean, a comment here and there I could handle, but there is no reason to subject yourself to that kind of non-stop harrassment. It's unprovoked negativity, and why should you use up your good energies battling that??

Oh, I am sooo sorry they said such rude things! I don't know how you kept quiet. I hate confrontation, but if I were under such attack I would either leave immediately or be nasty right back and start making little comments to them. Hugs to you, momma.

I too am sorry you were treated like that. IMO it only shows their ignorance.

I doubt I would ever see them again if they felt they could be so snide to me.

And I used formula with both of my kids and even I know breast is best, but it sucks when someone attacks you for your parenting choices/needs. The SIL obviously has problems if she felt the need to point out all the things SHE does and you don't.

{{{HUGS}}}

I would not have been able to bite my tongue. No way. Especially with the carseat comment. I mean, sure formula feeding probably won't kill a kid but not putting him in a carseat WILL if you get in an accident. It has nothing to do with being happy. It's about safety. I'm sorry, but your ILs sound like a bunch of idiots.

you do threaten them!!! you make them feel they are wrong because they have some idea that some (not all) of waht they do is not the best but the easiest...

my SIL who makes similiar comments and is prg. w/#3 recently asked me about my ds and his attachment to me or preferience for his dad. in my answer blah blah blah....he nursed for 20mo...blah blah blah....she says"wow, he'll be really healthy" and she doesn't nurse her babies more then 2 months.. my dh says its an old wives tale..LOL LOL..then he realized what he had said and how far 'modern' women have come from the knowledge of their mothers.


luna

(((Shannon)))

I'm sorry you went through that. I'm proud of you for not sneezing in their food and swirling their toothbrushes in the toilet. Good for you for not chucking that big ol' can of Carnation at sil's head and laying his aunt out on her @ss.

You did better than I could have--but you've always been one cool cucumber, chica.

I love yo' freaky slinging, National Geographic boobied, birkenstock wearing, hairy legged, brown-sporting ass. So there.

And for next time, this is a very effective way to stop those cows in their tracks. As SOON as one of them opens her pie-hole about breastmilk, nursing, tandem nursing, extended nursing, slinging, co-sleeping, gentle parenting, carseats, or any other thing you don't want to hear about--cut her off with a very firm:

"My parenting practices are not up for discussion. I do not owe you an explanation for the choices we make." And walk away. And if they bring it up again, say it again verbatim. Over and over and over. Verbatim. They'll get sick of it and eventually leave you alone.

(((Shannon))) Love ya, sunshine.

i've come to the conclusion that the people that voice the strongest, loudest opinions are the ones that are least secure with the choices they've made.
i'm so sorry you had to listen to all that crap on your vacation. :big hug:

That's terrible that they were so rude to you. I am also very non-confrontational so when someone has made a comment like that to me I usually just listen politely and then continue what I am doing. Then dh hears all about it when we get home.:D I don't understand why people have to make comments when what you are doing has no connection to their lives. You sound like a great mama to me.

Originally posted by tandemmama

I learned that there are people out there who are very insecure in their choices. I learned that there are people that think they can say anything they want to someone that they assume has no feelings.

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think everyday she is not reminded of how she should be parenting. However, even if you were not meaning to, you were throwing it in her face that she is not good enough (her feelings, not nec truth). Many are threatened by differences. For the most part it is because they are insecure in themselves or know they should be doing it differently. My mom takes my parenting to mean she did it wrong.

((((Mama)))))

Originally posted by StarBelly


And for next time, this is a very effective way to stop those freaks in their tracks. As SOON as one of those cows opens her pie-hole about breastmilk, nursing, tandem nursing, extended nursing, slinging, co-sleeping, gentle parenting, carseats, or any other thing you don't want to hear about--cut her off with a very firm:

"My parenting practices are not up for discussion. I do not owe you an explanation for the choices we make." And walk away. And if they bring it up again, say it again verbatim. Over and over and over. Verbatim. They'll get sick of it and eventually leave you alone.


:dito:

(((Hugs)))

I know some of what you feel, as that is how my own family is. They visited last weekend and my stress level went out the roof. Hmmm...wonder why I have a cold sore now. :rolleyes:

Obviously, somehow your SIL feels defensive about her choices, even if you haven't said anything to advocate your views. Me thinks she doth protest too much.

In some ways, things have become a bit easier with some of my family members. My brother and I used to have a hard time being together because of how different our parenting is. I have lived and learned -- and I did make the mistake of *trying* to explain some of what I believe. Long, complicated -- but I did so in defense of being picked apart for doing things like breastfeeding or *gasp* being concerned about who watches my children. Anyway, in the past we have had heated discussions and when he was here this past weekend, he jokingly said something about why don't I just give my baby a bottle of formula to do something convenient. We looked at each other and kind of laughed because we know we have come full circle so that we both know he didn't actually mean that...was kind of joking. So I said, "Oh, he gets formula everyday! God's formula!" And then we laughed again because there was a time neither of these jokes could be said without some huffing and puffing.

I do have a harder time keeping quiet about safety issues like carseats. My family is pretty laidback (read irresponsible) about using them. This weekend, my step-dad was looking up the carseat laws because my brother and SIL were concerned that in CA the law increased to 8 and 80 instead of 6 and 60. For the record, it did NOT increase, but they were worried it had. Then my step-dad made some comment like he was sure it would in the future...somebody would have to get their name in the paper...and "it's for chilllldddreen" (said in a mocking tone). Meanwhile, he wears a WWJD t-shirt. Yes, I am sure Jesus would throw kids in a car with no regard for safety. I'm sure he would be contacting his congressperson to protest about carseat laws to protect children. My step-dad would argue that people should just use common sense, but this is a man who would likely drive around with a baby in a laundry basket were it not for the law. However, he does follow the law -- right down to the letter of the law -- so he does always use carseats when he drives the kids.

Sorry - sorry - sorry...I just get so frustrated with my family at times.

I dunno. Do you think it might be worth trying to talk to your SIL or aunt in private in a gentle way and explain how her comments make you feel? If you don't see them often, maybe it's not worth it and you can put up with it. I can imagine that her comments make you NOT want to visit. Also, if you are like me and don't feel you would be able to remain calm, then it might be better not to go there.

Though I have gotten better about biting my tongue with some things (like when I know that no matter what I say, the person just won't get it. Hello Mom!), I have also learned the art of British sarcasm from DH. Like with the diaper in the trash can comment, I might say something like "Oh yes, nothing like the smell of a good, dirty chemical-filled diaper," *big sniff* "Ahhhhh...the aroma of rotting feces." The problem with my family is that they don't get the sarcasm and would actually think I was serious, hence their attempt at getting me a Christmas present that would please the weirdo: a poop scented soy candle. Gotta give 'em credit for the soy thing though. You think I make this stuff up, but I am telling you I am spot on.

I got along SO well with my SIL until she gave birth and shortly after that abandoned breastfeeding (too overwhelming for her) and cloth diapering (again too much for her to handle with new motherhood)

She went from Pro-breastfeeding/clothdiapering (pre-childbirth) to the total opposite and started giving me snooty remarks.
I know it is her way of handling her own turn-around and feelings of not having succeeded in her original passionate stance for each parenting choice.

I really think that you can do formula feeding and disposable diapering and not feel the need to comment negatively on those of us who do the other.:rolleyes:

hence their attempt at getting me a Christmas present that would please the weirdo: a poop scented soy candle. Gotta give 'em credit for the soy thing though. You think I make this stuff up, but I am telling you I am spot on.


:hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha:

:heart: I knew I'd find reason here.

ftr, dh and I had a talk about it on the drive there, and he promised that if his aunt started with her loud "oh my God" 's that he would say something. Wouldn't you know, she did it when he was in the other room? As far as the constant, stabbing comments from his sister, I was laughing them off, and remaining calm, so I suppose dh didn't see the need to fight about it. I agreed.

oh, wait, he did back me up on one comment. His sister said to his aunt "It's a good thing you weren't here when Janae (the 3yo) was nursing!" and she said "oh my God, you're right, it IS a good thing" dh said "not like it would have mattered" I'm not sure if no one heard or no one wanted to comment, but I heard it and it made me feel good :D

I have considered writing some sort of letter to them, but I have to wonder what it would accomplish. *sigh*

{{{{{{{{Shannon}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry you had such an *experience*.

I just want to say that I really admire you for being the bigger person and staying quiet. I think that I would have just left. You know...fight or flight? You rock...not on;y for being the obviously superior mother but for being the obviously superior PERSON!
Hats off to you!:D

Originally posted by tandemmama
I have considered writing some sort of letter to them, but I have to wonder what it would accomplish. *sigh*

Nothing! It would just make things more tense (and maybe burn bridges). If anything, your dh could call them and tell them how hurt and disappointed he is in thier behavior, that they owe you an apology, and that you all won't be returning for some time.
I don't think it is your place to make waves...dh needs to go to bat for that...his family!

My 2c

Originally posted by tandemmama
This time, I was ready to punch somebody.

or "I'm not afraid to spank my kids!" I

Should of punched her and said "I'm not afraid to punch my inlaws" LOL

Sorry you went through that but, people seem to get defensive when they do things that they feel quilty about. Or maybe she is just selfish or stupid. :big hug:

I am appalled at how they speak about the choices you've made to make your children's lives better! That is just awful that they are so ignorant to your feelings and anyone elses that they might be hurting!
I'm sorry mama! I'm glad you live so far away!

I tell ya, our lives have been so much less stressful once we cut ties with some of J's family. The Sister in Laws that tell people how I am selfish for nursing Kaya while I had a cold because I was going to make her sick... And how she could *never* breastfeed, ewww gross. And who tells J and I "At least our kids were *planned*"... Uncles who would say they were going to feed our girls meat and jell-o. Aunts who threatened to cut J's dreadlocks off....

We would drive home from family events and we'd both be steaming...

Life has been so peacful since we stopped subjecting ourselves to people like that, "family" or not!!

Originally posted by tandemmama
I learned that there are people out there who are very insecure in their choices. I learned that there are people that think they can say anything they want to someone that they assume has no feelings.


ITA with you there.. Well except I do think they feel you have feelings but they are trying to change them for you by showing you the light! :rolleyes:
FWIW I think you did the very best thing and I admire you. *I* cannot control my temper the way you do. I fight tooth and nail and then wonder later if that is any better than what they did iykwim. YOU ROCK! :thumbsup:

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

Originally posted by Livn4them
{{{{{{{{Shannon}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry you had such an *experience*.

:o LOL, I'm the worst speller ever.



I didn't consider my reactions as making me the better person or staying cool under pressure, I kept telling myself what a wimp I was and that I should be fighting with them.

The biggest night of critisism from dh's aunt, they were all leaving MIL's house and on the way out, and SIL's kids were tired and cranky. She says "see, I'm a bad mom...when they start crying in the car, I count to 3. I tell them that if I get to three, I'm going to pull over and beat them. You should see their faces, they have to try so hard to stop crying so I don't pull over, it's so funny!" Then the aunt who was just SOO disgusted by my parenting choices, laughs and laughs and imitates the children along with her.

That night, I completely lost respect for the SIL and the aunt. I told myself later that I should have said something like "Why is that funny?!" or "When my kids cry in the car, I ask what's wrong and try to make it better, or I'll try and make them happy by putting a kid's cd in and singing with them, I would never threaten to beat my kids, much less beat them for being tired."

but I didn't, I sat in silence. I suppose that was being the better person, I knew that fighting or arguing wouldn't solve anything.

I don't know...maybe I will ask dh to say something to them. He's just not that type either. I love him that way :) We both know what we're doing is right for us, and that's what matters.

I am so sorry that they can be so rude...

I was thinking-that it is totally inappropriate for her to say anything(of course) about your parenting...but additionally-if she is saying those things in front of others...and especially your or her children-it would be perfectly reasonable to take her aside-alone in another room and say something like

" I understand that you don't agree with my parenting style or choices, however,please do not speak to me in that manner in front of others or the children." And I am sure she would be terribly defensive and even say something to the effect that she didn't "mean it that way"...but hey-tell her you would be happy to leave...if she continued on that way. You don't have to address the parenting differences, just the RUDENESS.

BTW-I am not judging you-but she is incredibly rude.

Who the he** does she think she is???

Well, i applaud you : ) you are one great Mama.

OH geeeeeeesssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I have to admit I try to pretend that in MY world everyone breastfeeds, uses cloth diapers, doesnt circ their boys, co-sleeps, practices gentle/positve parenting and ummm DUH puts their children in carseats. BUT I know not everyone is like me.

that's fine but I dont want it thrown in my face over and over.

I would have left plain and simple.

I wouldnt have been able to handle it.

I always fell like the mama freak when Im out in 'the real world'

the sil obviously feels guilty, you represent everything she is not w/o ever even opening her mouth.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH and the hitting ("spanking") thing?

Some of this stuff of "kids dont need carseats" and "spanking is right" is so ancient you assume people just know better by now.

When I read crap like this I realize how lucky I am for having parents (whom I live with) dont make a fuss and support most of my decisions as a parent.
Time will tell.

(((mama))).

i've been there with family too~both my side & my dh's. no fun, huh?

the first time i met my mil was when landon was 4 mo, and she kept calling him a glutton because he nursed a lot & was a huge baby-after the second time i heard her say it-i told dh in no uncertain terms, if she said it again, my boxing gloves were coming out of the retirement locker & jumping into action. --a few hrs later, it was said again, and that time, HE said to not repeat it again-ever.

she claimed she didn't know what the word meant, yada yada yada. BSBSBSBSBS. lol anyway, i've been through the ringer with MY OWN parents, but my mom only had one kid, so wth can SHE tell ME, kwim? i think everyone gave up after they figured out that i know more than they ever will about taking care of my babies.

sadly, i think your situation has gone too far, and since these wellmeaning (or not) family members have obviously made you into the laughing stock of the family, it may take more than a letter, it may take a one on one conversation, face to face with each of them-if not all of them at once.

ya gotta stand up for what you believe, you know that. if ya TELL them, rather than EXPLAINING it to them, they can either accept or reject what you say-and then that will be the end of it-or at least it should be-if they're partially human, lol

[:) We both know what we're doing is right for us, and that's what matters. [/B][/QUOTE]

There you go, sweetie, you hit the nail on the head. You sound like a wonderful mama who is very secure in her choices. Your children are very lucky.

When they get older you can explain to your children that everyone is different and makes different choices. I say this because I am sure the parenting styles will continue to be vastly different as your children grow up. Tell them even though their aunt and grandmother (do I have that right?) do things differently than what you do and find acceptable that they are still family and you still love them.

For now, I'd try to keep the visits short for my own sanity, I think. But totally cutting off contact is a huge step that shouldn't be taken lightly. And I think you are handling it fine by not making a big argument of it. Nothing you can say will change the way they feel, anyway. It would be nice if you could tell them just that - that we both have our own parenting styles and make our own choices and we probably won't be able to change each other's minds, so let's just not discuss it. However, I tend to think that wouldn't make any difference anyway.

Bless your husband for being supportive of you. When I read your first post I was also wondering where he was in all this. But your subsequent posts explained and he sounds like a total dear.

Oh, and I love the dress your dd is wearing in your sig picture. Did you make it?

I would never threaten to beat my kids, much less beat them for being tired (Quote)

That's about the saddest thing I've ever heard. My opinion, it can only get worse as your children grow older and are exposed to such toxic personalities. I'd make some tough decisions about whether they are a positive relationship in your life or if they only detract from your happiness.

Sounds like my SIL who told me that breastfeeding is cannibalism. WHAT?!?!?! She always has something to say...

My MIL at least masks her disapproval in passive aggressive comments. Most of the time... A few weeks ago she just came out and said, "It's time to stop nursing that baby." ARGH!

I'm sorry your IL's are such dolts.I'm sorry or their kids the most, however... :(

Jessica

You should commend yourself for not freaking out on them.

((HUGS))

Shannon... are our dh's brothers?

I swear... mine have said the same things. FIL actually told me I was being slefish for wanting to breastfeed when I was pg with my first. I asked him if he was going to take the 3 am feeding. ;)

And yes... I am with you on being glad we don't live near the inlaws. The constant insults and 'advice' really wear on a mama.

(((Shannon)))

You have gotten such supportive responses...I wanted to add mine to the list,and to give you affirmation as well! Inlaws are such a PITA! The fact that we are all separated from family adds to their aggression, IMO. You'd think everyone would be on their best behavior, but it seems they save all of their gripes until we see them!

You are a wonderful mama making the best decisions for your children. They can kiss your a*%.

Sorry, I feel ya, that's why I'm a little heated and not too articulate...:big hug:

There you go, sweetie, you hit the nail on the head. You sound like a wonderful mama who is very secure in her choices. Your children are very lucky.

When they get older you can explain to your children that everyone is different and makes different choices. I say this because I am sure the parenting styles will continue to be vastly different as your children grow up. Tell them even though their aunt and grandmother (do I have that right?) do things differently than what you do and find acceptable that they are still family and you still love them.

For now, I'd try to keep the visits short for my own sanity, I think. But totally cutting off contact is a huge step that shouldn't be taken lightly. And I think you are handling it fine by not making a big argument of it. Nothing you can say will change the way they feel, anyway. It would be nice if you could tell them just that - that we both have our own parenting styles and make our own choices and we probably won't be able to change each other's minds, so let's just not discuss it. However, I tend to think that wouldn't make any difference anyway.

Bless your husband for being supportive of you. When I read your first post I was also wondering where he was in all this. But your subsequent posts explained and he sounds like a total dear.

Oh, and I love the dress your dd is wearing in your sig picture. Did you make it?

You've summed up just how I feel about it :)

My dh *is* a total dear. He's a great daddy and a wonderful husband. :heart:

As for the dress, isn't the cutest?! Katie (nvr2tall) (www.everythingpatchy.com) made it. She does beautiful work!

OMG. I am so sorry you had to deal with those ignoramuses!

Actually, if people said that kind of crap to me I would tell them to kiss my arse and they should not have ever been allowed to reproduce.

You sound like a great mom and to heck with the rest!

Originally posted by StarBelly
(((Shannon)))

And for next time, this is a very effective way to stop those cows in their tracks. As SOON as one of them opens her pie-hole about breastmilk, nursing, tandem nursing, extended nursing, slinging, co-sleeping, gentle parenting, carseats, or any other thing you don't want to hear about--cut her off with a very firm:

"My parenting practices are not up for discussion. I do not owe you an explanation for the choices we make." And walk away. And if they bring it up again, say it again verbatim. Over and over and over. Verbatim. They'll get sick of it and eventually leave you alone.



I agree completely.
I'm very non-confrontational, but I could definitely say that. How rude & insulting. It really sounds like the sil is insecure in her choices

Originally posted by PoetMom
Where was your husband while this was going on? Couldn't he have stepped forward at some point and said, "Enough!"

If he wasn't there to know, could he write them a letter now that says, "Let me know when you're done being a defensive jerk so we can visit again . . ."

Only, you know, far more diplomatically ;)

what she said.....:thumbsup:

I, however, am not qualified to give advice as I have similar issues with my IL's treating me like crap.

I know how it feel...and I am sorry you have to deal with it too.

:big hug:

"My parenting practices are not up for discussion. I do not owe you an explanation for the choices we make." And walk away. And if they bring it up again, say it again verbatim. Over and over and over. Verbatim. They'll get sick of it and eventually leave you alone.
I love this idea! I think I will right it down and memorize it!