Decided to delete my OP since I feel a bit odd airing my "dirty laundry" in public. :o My second post below pretty much sums up my main problem without all the details.

I am free tonight if you want to get together and talk. My morning was pretty crappy and I thought twice about e-mailing you so that we could get together. Maybe it would make both of us feel better.

I will be home until 3 p.m. so e-mail me before then to let me know if you want to meet up. We have chiro appts at 3:30 but we will be completely done with all our errands by 5 p.m.

Thanks Bobbi Jo. I would love to stop by, but I feel like I should really go right home tonight. I don't want to do anything that might possibly make the situation worse, KWIM?

He did call back and apologize for hanging up on me so I've calmed down and feel a little better. I apologize for posting when I was so upset. I should probably delete my OP now, but I would love to hear from someone who's BTDT and can offer suggestions on what to do with a spendthrift spouse. Unfortunately, all the advice I hear, is "don't marry one," but that doesn't do me a whole lot of good after the fact.

I feel better now, but this comes up again and again and again. I'm not sure if he isn't listening or isn't comprehending or just doesn't care. I can tell him that we're low on funds for the week and to please try not to spend any extra and five minutes later he asks if we can order pizza for dinner. And then if I say no, he mopes, cries, begs or bargains until he gets what he wants (and I'm really not exagerrating - it reminds me of a little kid begging for something they see on tv). He has no self-control when it comes to money, and I see my entire life spent juggling our finances so we can pay for his "toys." It's so disheartening. I don't think he'll outgrow it either since my FIL is the same way. DH's parents got divorced and while there was a lot wrong in their marriage, MIL told me that she finally left because she was tired of him spending all their money and living paycheck to paycheck. I just can't bear the thought of spending the rest of my life like this. I feel so lost about this whole situation......

Hon I'm so sorry!! It seems I have the same problem with my dh. I'm the one who manages the finances and so I get to be the killjoy. I try to get him to focus on future goals but right now he's eying "used" sports cars. He feels he "deserves" something nice. OMG!?? Whose finances is he thinking of b/c he sure can't afford any sportscar! Hope he comes around and it does seem like a thankless job being the one to save the family finances!

I am available on Wed. and Thurs evening if you need to talk. I have an ultrasound on Fri so I won't be available then.

I just wanted to say thank you to both of you. Your replies help make a rough morning a little better. I think I'm just a little burned out by everything right now and need a vacation to regain my coping skills. Anyone want to fly to the Bahamas with me? ;)

I didn't see your OP, but can gather from you reply that your DH is a challenge with the finances. Mine was the same way, but realizing this, he gave me full financial responsibility about 10 years ago. Everything is in my name, bank account, house, cars, etc. Just now, we've added him back to our bank account and he has an ATM card. Is this something your DH would even consider? It really worked for us and now he feels he can trust himself enough to have an ATM card. Again, this was his decision, not mine. He realized he would blow $100 just being out with the guys and had no idea how it would happen. After he gave up his access to our $$, he said he felt such a relief.

edited for privacy

This is just a guess, but maybe his spending is more about power than things. I know that is how it was with my mom and dad. I am sure you'all will work it out soon.

{{{hugs}}}

If you aren't able to talk it through yourselves, I would highly recommend seeing a marriage counselor or a financial planner together.

Gosh, there should be a subspecialty -- marriage counselors who specialize in harmonizing the financial aspects of the relationship! Seriously, I know a lot of couples who are going through similar issues.

Dh and I have had our differences in the past, too. It's no fun to feel like you are tightening the belt so that your partner can spend, spend, spend. We were able to work it out but it took several years before we were on the same page financially (remember my post a few months ago about dh finally being on the "frugal bandwagon"?). I would keep things tight, he'd spend, then I'd spend because if he was spending I might as well have a good time, too. We're finally past that, and I guess it was just a matter of persistence...I kept insisting that we talk about finances, and finally I really sat him down and showed him the numbers in Quicken. Well I think physically *seeing* the numbers really made a difference to him because it seemed to click and he's made a great effort to change since then.

Sorry to write a book! LOL!

Thank you all. Your comments really mean a lot to me. I've never been this frustrated or angry with DH ever, but it really is comforting to know that others have BTDT and things have gotten better.

Maribel, on Saturday, I told DH that our checking account was drained and that we really needed to reign in our spending. He actually voluntarily gave up his debit card and a credit card (which I had thought had been cut up a while ago). I should have taken them and ran, but I left them on the table. He apparently picked up the debit card the next day although I did cut up the credit card. When I get paid tomorrow, I'm going to give him some cash and ask for the debit card back. He knows he has a spending problem - he's admitted that - I just don't think he's too concerned about fixing it. But if he agrees to surrender his debit card, at least that will minimize the damage he can do.

Michelle, I think that our husbands share some of the same 'issues.' When it comes to money and some other hot button issues, I almost feel like I'm taking a test and need to figure out what to say without upsetting him. He doesn't blow up, but he does pout something awful.

Mimmy, I don't know if it is so much a control issue for DH because he really is clueless about our money. I don't think he has any idea how much our take home pay is or how much our bills are. He isn't particularly interested in finding out either. If I really try to analyze why he is like this I think a big part of it is that he didn't have a great childhood or a lot of stuff as a kid. Like Luna said, I think it's more along the lines of I "deserve" to have what I want.

mamabear, it is really encouraging to hear you say that you guys were able to work this out. I hope we can too. One positive is that we've been dealing with a couple issues during the past year or so, and we were able to work through those. The one concern is that with those issues, I really felt that he wanted to work to resolve them and that he was really trying to do a better job. With the money though, he just seems to get angry whenever the subject comes up.

Sorry to be so long, but again, I really appreciate it. Our relationship has been rocky (IMO) for more than a year, and I haven't talked to anyone about it all that time. It just feels good to get out.

Maryalene ~

I just want to add that my DH used to be like this - he was sooo bad! He and his mother used to even talk badly about me because I finally refused to work and stayed home with my babies. It was just awful. DH made plenty of money for our (then) small family - I was dropping my DD off a daycare to so that I could help pay for *his* toys. I pinched pennies so that he could spend hundreds and thousands. It was so unfair.

It was to the point where he was just plain *mean*. I mean it hurt that much.

It took a lot of years, but things are so much better now. He still doesn't always think things through, but he is so much better that we can handle it. He mostly thinks of the family first now and he also *does* finally get that what he does with money can affect our family drastically.

With 5 children to care for, he is taking things a little more seriously. We are able to save money now, too. He always agrees to paying off bills when we have a windfall (like income tax return or what-have-you).

And just FTR, he is a better husband and father now, too!

Hugs, mama. I have been there. I hope it gets better very soon.

Kristin