...and I barely know where to start.

I was raised crunchy to the extreme. We travelled extensively, lived on a sailboat for a couple of years, homesteaded for 10. I was homeschooled, etc. Environmentally, physically, mentally, and emotionally our lives were all about sustainable living.

To me, being crunchy is normal. Though my friends really think I was born in the wrong era and should be a flower child.

I mean no disrespect and say with great pride, being crunchy is the only way I can live. Sometimes I deviate away from it, but I always return.

Though I feel like I am a minority BY FAR. In fact, I feel like on the outside I am this normal person, but on the inside I am an alien. Kinda like how I felt when I went to school for one term when I was ten and didn't know the rules. I left the class one day to go to the library because I was bored. I had no idea I wasn't allowed.

Anyway, I need to blend my childhood and adulthood together, to be whole. I need to share some of what I experienced with my children..not in telling stories...but some way I can intergrate what I have learned with my everyday life to teach my kids to dream.

Okay and I am a techno-junky. I am a computer programmer my day, and one at night too. I love writing technical documents, programming, and performing complex database rescue jobs. In my last career I was an accountant. How twisted is that????? When I was little I wanted to be an artist and raise sheep.

Does anyone know what I am talking about?????? Anyone have any advice????

Thanks

Jeni....marjen on this board...but Seekette on others.

no advice-but WELCOME-I am glad you posted : )

well, if you live a crunchy lifestyle, and your frame of mind is conducive to sustainable living, adn passing this on to your kids, then why change doing what you enjoy? You can fix my computer anytime. Then we'll drink some organic tea and go for a hike. :D

welcome mama. You sound like you had the childhood I want my daughter to have. Can't make that happen to the fullest though.

any regrets about your childhood lifestyle? If you don't mind my asking.

Wow!! I could have written that post! I know exactly how you feel. DH and I are programers. I used to write computer games before I had DD. He still does. It has been a conscious decision for us to cut out computer time for DD. There have been a lot of great studies that show the adverse effects of screen time on young children. (mostly TV, but most claim it applys to computer as well). It has been an ongoing process and struggle for us to over come long habits. We (that it me) spend most of our time on the computer when DD is asleep.
Blessings,
Divo

No regrets whatsoever.

There were problems, but they didn't have to do with those specific issues of sustainable living.

I learned that anything is possible, dreams can come true, don't let other people bring you down, be self-reliant, work and play hard. I learned I can teach myself and my children - I don't need to think other "qualified" people can do it better. I learned I can survive during the hard times, that shelter and food are what count, and that there is strength gained in facing adversity. There are no problems, just challenges. And there are solutions to anything - if you doesn't think so, you are probably looking at the wrong problem. I learn tolerance for all and global interdependence is where it's at.

Drawbacks, I was raised to be so tolerant and understanding and respectful of people's differences, that I have placed myself in undesirable situations that were not healthy for me, because I didn't feel I had the right to object. I learned to see everything grey, so it became hard for me to formulate my own boundaries. At 36, on my second marriage, and four kids later (my TOTAL blessings), I am getting better.

I wouldn't have wanted to be raised any differently. The way I am raising my kids is much more mainstream than the way I was raised. I cannot give my kids what I had, but if I can teach them to dream, then I will have accomplished my goals.

Jeni

You seem very aware of your abilities. That's wonderful. I dream constantly, and will accomplish and have accomplished many of my dreams.

I know exactly what you mean about putting yourself in those situations. i am so tolerant that I've ended up in some myself. I am learning to become my own person though. My boundaries are slowly becoming more firm.

I only have my daughter for 4 days out of 14. I feel like I have no control over these very important things to her development. That's really the only reason for my discouragement. But I just make sure that my time with her is not seen as "not enough" but seen as just time. Time for learning and opportunity. (even if the other 10 days will be doing things and learning things I'd rather her not do or learn.)

Oh, and yes, I only go on the computer while she's asleep, or I'll sneak on quickly while she's going potty, or playing contentedly somewhere. She gets enough screen time elsewhere, I try to make her time here as valuable as possible.

honestly marjen, you seem to be in a well balanced place if you're so devoted to your kids, and live a responsible healthy lifestyle, yet can find the time to be part of the modern world.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

There are many aspects of my life that I am so happy with that I feel free to explore some of the less obvious aspects - such as congruency.

What I am trying to learn is to walk the walk.

It must be conceptually very difficult to only have your daughter 4 days out of 14. My eldest two are 13 and 11, and generally go see their Dad Sat pm to Sun pm. My youngest two are mine and my dh's children and are 4 and 2 - so they live with us full time.

Nonetheless, no matter which kids I am referring to, we all have to share. There is school ,friends, limited daycare and extended family. I am not the total authoritative influence on them, by any means. If I examine the amount of contact I have with my 13 year old - it would run about 4 hours per day times 6 days = 24 hours/week. In between school, her dad, her friends, swimming lessons, her volunteer work, and girl guides, that's what I have.

If you are able to devote yourself to your daughter for those four days, that is wonderful. Sometimes, my ex-dh will call me up and tell me something that is bothering the kids that I didn't know about. I am very thankful that they have a close relationship and I do my best to facilitate it.

All any of us can do is spend the best quality time we have with our kids, as short as it is - cause we all know they grow up sooo quickly.

It seems to me my kids get tired pretty fast of listening to me talk...of course, looking at this post it is easy to see that I tend to be long winded..lol.

I want to DO something spectacular that I have always wanted to do that is completely congruent with who I am and involve them in the process for them to see dreams come true. I just haven't thought of what yet....

What dreams have you realized? (The ones that you'd like to share, anyway...)

Jeni

first and foremost: becoming a parent. I'm gay, so that's a hard one. That is one of the biggest successes in my life. I think that's why I find it so hard to only have her as much as I do, but her mom and I have grown soooooo far apart in our ways, that we can't stomach each other if we have to live together. I don't have any legal claim on her, so I'm lucky her mom is willing to part with her that many days. If I could do anything differently, it'd be to adopt her much earlier, before our lifestyles started parting so badly. Now I don't know whether I can get her mom to let me officially adopt her, now that she knows I'm not happy with only 4 days. We're on good, friendly terms, but I still can't get her to share the most unpersonal things about her life. I end up learning more about dd's time at mommy's from her, not mommy. But I always start talking about that, and missing my point, so...

Coming to grips with myself as a good, normal person is a dream I always had. Succeeded with that. I always was ashamed of the way I was, and just accepted that I was somewhat defective or inferior. no one really told me that, I just sort of felt it, and gathered it. But not anymore. You are what you make of yourself, and I am now free of those chains of lesser self-worth.

OK, that felt like there should be some victorious mood music playing. Now I feel cheesy.

I've also counted the many changes I've made in my life towards a more self-reliant, earth-friendly lifestyle (although I have a long way to go) as successes towards a life dream. If I could, I'd live in the mountains as a hermit. lol. So just leading a crunchy lifestyle, and evaluating what else I can along the way, is one long success story for me.

yet to come:
- I'm working on a degree in natural medicine.
- I want to teach. teach teach teach. Something. anything. hopefully I'll become an expert natural healer and be able to share what I've learned with anyone thirsty enough to learn it.
- adopt or foster more children. at least 2, maybe up to 4.
- get to a point where I can make my own hours. So that I can devote more time to my kid(s).
- live naturally in the country with a big garden.

I'll get there. I can do it. :D

I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply.

I think you have so much to be proud of. And your goals are awesome. I can't say that my goals are as concrete. You seem to know exactly where you have come from and where you are going. I only know where I have come from and how I ended up where I am today. I need some new goals. I don't know where to start.

I have been reading the board more thoroughly the last few weeks. You are well spoken and I enjoy reading your posts.

My day-to-day life is very rewarding. I telecommute full time and enjoy **trying** to structure my job around my family. (Difficult when one is a work-aholic) My position is very demanding and enriching...I spend most of my time immersed in computers. I wake in the middle of the night thinking about possible conflicts between Windows 2003 Server and our database. How lame! lol

This board gives me more to think about and has made me realize that my life requires more balance.

OMG and the fact that you do not go on the computer when you have your daughter....I take my laptop or cell phone with me everywhere....just in case. When I turn them off, I go through withdrawls! Lately I have NOT answered my cell phone, reserved for my clients, between 3 - 5pm (kids get home from school...dinner etc...). I was shocked at how hard it was at first to take that step. Now I am just embarrased! lol What is the point in telecommuting if you can't have SOME control over your hours???

I also got involved with some other people in organizing an organic food co-op - a big step in such a small northern town.

Still...I feel like I should be doing cartwheels, while skydiving, and teaching my kids a healthy diet to avoid PMS, all at the same time.

To be honest, my Mother is a living legend. I can NEVER live up to her. Even at 55 she was riding a motorbike as her primary transportation, with a dog cage welded on the back for her minature Schnauzer, since she doesn't go anywhere without him.

Now, at 60, she just sent me pictures of her kayaking off the coast of Florida, with her dog, of course; a pic of a portrait she just did; and info on Habitat for Humanity - which she volunteers for every year.

lol

How can I compete with that???

Jeni

If I may gracely step in and say WOW! to the both of you. I know Ian and he is just as WOW IRL as he is on the board, well...actually better. And you sound pretty cool yourself. How wonderful that your mother was able to provide with such a rich and wonderful childhood. Funny, trying to do "just as well as our parents" has always been an issue for me to.

My parents grew up in 3rd world countries, poverty stricken to the extreme. They came to CA at 15 and 17 (independent of each other) and have managed to raise a family, provide the children with everything they could possibly need, good college educations and then some. They never made the "rich" level, but they definitely reached the happily comfortable level. They have and continue to work their butts off and make it against all odds.

So, how the hell do I compete with that. Born with a silver spoon in my mouth, nothing I could ever accomplish would come close to that. But I have come to learn that it isn't a competition.

They fulfilled their lives the way they wanted to, giving their children everything they ever wanted. My job is to do the same for my baby. Where their goal were for us to never suffer poverty or want for anything, mine is to give my baby a sense of self, happiness and appreciation for our planet and cultures. At the same time, I want to pass on our history to them, so they know what abuela and abuelo accomplished and what mami and papi have done thus far and that they too will add to the family history in their own special way.

Oops, seems I went on and on. Anyway, maybe I'm just thinking that you can share your family history with your girls, your life's story, your mom's life story and embrace it all. Sounds like the older ones can even start to add their own too.

That is neat! I liked your comments about not competing - I can't say that I felt like that is what I have been consciously doing, but of course, it is true.

Needing a way to share my past with the future (namely my kids), to be able to pass on their heritage to them....to be able to contribute "something"....maybe I should write a book?

Even if it was never published, for my family, my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren....

Now THAT would be a goal.

Future generations can't know where they are going, if they don't know where they have come from.

Sounds like many of us on this board would have ample experiences to share...

Jeni

This thread is incredible.

Jeni,

I was just wondering. Your older children seem to be in school. How do you handle having them in school when you were homeschooled? I homeschooled for a while then had the unfortunate luck of having to return to work. So, my kids are in school. None of us ever wanted that and it has been hard to deal with. They are in great schools but the whole concept of school is hard to swallow. Did you go through that?

I think it is important for us all to have goals for ourselves and to pass on to our children. Children learn through their parents first, then through themselves. What we model for them, they pick up so easily. Despite having to work full-time, my children are always first. I make sure they know and understand that. I do not do things at home that I can either do at work or involve them in. We do things together. I am also filling them with a full life with lots of nature time and good healthy food. Aside from close family and friend contacts, I feel those to be the most important facets of life. Self-reliance is also important. That is a hard one for me because I am still working on it myself. Passing on a work in progress is challenging.

from Marjen: I think you have so much to be proud of. And your goals are awesome. I can't say that my goals are as concrete. You seem to know exactly where you have come from and where you are going. I only know where I have come from and how I ended up where I am today.
Ha! I know I sound like I know where I'm going, but ask Deb (nicosmami) she's probably seen many of my goals change in the relatively short time she's been privvy to them.

I have been reading the board more thoroughly the last few weeks. You are well spoken and I enjoy reading your posts. Thank ya ma'am. As are you.

OMG and the fact that you do not go on the computer when you have your daughter.... Well, she's here now. But will be for a week, and I have auctions ending. and threads to catch up on. Nona and Papa are helping at the moment. Lately I have NOT answered my cell phone, reserved for my clients, between 3 - 5pm (kids get home from school...dinner etc...). I was shocked at how hard it was at first to take that step. Good for you!!!!!. Now I am just embarrased! lol Well, did I mention she's upstairs watching a video while I goof off on the 'puter? I decided that since she's here every day this week, she needs to understand that I am devoting an hour a day looking for a job, and every other day, I'm spending time catching up on amity's and auctions. She's been good today about letting me sit here while she plays around me. She's been respectful of my need for concentration, as long as I'm giving her a response to her polite interruptions, and a warning word to her impolite ones. She lets me work for good lengths of time as long as there has been that interaction.

Your mother sounds incredible! I know what you mean about parents. Trying to be everything they were to you, and also be your own self so you can in turn impress them and reward them for raising you so well. It gets overwhelming. My parents can play just about any instrument there is, are both in technical fields at IBM, and have been for more than 25 years. They are leaders in their church and work communities. They have a musical group they perform with, make albums with and have even toured with. They lead a children's choir together (which I shamfully admit my dd is not part of. I don't have her on thursdays, and can't count on her mom to get her there. I won't go off on her like I was just about to... *holding breath and counting...*) anyway, I have learned so much from my parents and want to be everything they were to me. For them, as much as for my little britches.

From Deb: If I may gracely step in and say WOW! to the both of you. I know Ian and he is just as WOW IRL as he is on the board, well...actually better *blushing and kicking dirt aimlessly* Garsh. Thanks deb. Yer more than you know yourself. :) THanks for being such a good friend and role model.

They fulfilled their lives the way they wanted to, giving their children everything they ever wanted. My job is to do the same for my baby. when you 'simplify' it like that, it makes good sense. My parents chose what they believed in and decided what was important for us to learn of that. They did everything they could to make sure we grew up as blessed as they were. I suppose that's my basic job too.

Now, if I could just get it all together so that my child can learn from me the best way possible.

That's a good idea, about the book. I always wanted something to pass on, maybe a book with more than one author, an autobiography of each family member, a book that never ends. That'd be fun. maybe a coming of age thing, adding miki's chapter so to speak. :)

mpeel, I am going to have to let my dd go to public school this year too. it almost hurts because I think I'm a perfect unschooling teacher (for her), and she is the perfect pupil (that's why). We work so well together. In fact, today she saw a sign that I missed and couldn't read for her (she's learning to read) and was so dissapointed. she told me "but daaaaaad, I just want to learn and learn and learn, so bad. I'm sad you missed it"

It made me sing inside.

When my eldest two were young I dreamed about homeschooling, but my dh then would not go for it. We divorced so that hs certainly wasn't an option. I was busy working to pay the bills. With my dh now, and two more kids later, there was a time we seriously considered it. My dh doesn't care about it one way or another but is willing to support me in this endeavour because it is important to me. But when it came right down to it, we just couldn't keep this boat afloat on one income. I am more than acquainted with the "cost of working" etc, but in our case we couldn't eat, never mind pay the utilities. Also, with my job, I earn twice as much as my dh, and I work from home so my kids seldom need daycare. There have also been issues surrounding who is responsible for what, since my first two are from my previous marriage. My relationship with my dh is pretty good right now, but not always stable. Odd position for me to be in, in that he would love for me to be a SAHM mom and HS the kids (because it is important to me), but I just do not feel secure enough to do so (for good reason in my mind, anyway).

SOOOOOOO I have had to reluctantly give up my dream and live my reality. At first I thought that since they are involved in the school system, so would I. I volunteered for everything I could, etc. These days I am too busy working. I even ran into my kids' school secretary who commented about how absent I have been. So even that "compromise" of mine has gone out the window. I feel very mainstream, in that respect. But I do not waste anytime worrying about the quality of education they are getting. They are in very good schools. They enjoy school and are achieving great things, both academically and socially.

What I worry about GREATLY is that their worlds are too small. I worry that they have accepted some of this Northern town's attitudes as an "of course" and I worry that they are losing the ability to question. I worry about my capacity to bridge the gaps. And I feel I have let them and myself down by not being able to give them the multitude of experiences I had hoped I could.

I ask myself why can't I? In truth, I can. But I am too busy working, not getting enough sleep, and lacking an involved spouse.

The bottom line is, there is only one of me and four kids, and this mama is tired.

So...how do I feel about not homeschooling the kids? Fine. How do I feel about my ability to supplement their lifes' experiences? Terrible.

Ahh...another long winded answer.....

What I worry about GREATLY is that their worlds are too small. I worry that they have accepted some of this Northern town's attitudes as an "of course" and I worry that they are losing the ability to question. I worry about my capacity to bridge the gaps. And I feel I have let them and myself down by not being able to give them the multitude of experiences I had hoped I could.

Ok, this is EXACTLY how I feel. You put into words I have been unable to for a year. This gets me so down. They experienced soo much more while unschooling. I do things and feel that they are missing this just to learn to read. That sucks. I am really having a hard time getting over that. I want to do more with them on the weekends away from the house. But once I am out of town (we live very rurally), I don't want to go back. So, we have not been to the museum in more than a year, the zoo it has been right at a year. We miss concerts, picnic, even stuff at school. I am working on that though. I love those things when I get to them. I just hate the effort of getting there.

Same here!!

It's the effort vs energy thing. I also live very rurally. When I want to do neat things, I have to do it myself. I'd love to have dh with me, both for companionship and help - but he just is not interested. I could "tell" him he is going and, in fact, he has at times asked me to "make" him go. I am just not that kind of person. I hate forcing other people to do stuff and I am also not his conscience.

One of my best friends and I used to do TONS together. We called each other co-parents. She moved away and I sure do miss her.

On the plus side, winter is almost over, the days are getting longer, the snow will melt soon, and I will feel SO much better when I get some sun onto my face!!!!

I think if I could enrich the kids with one "different" event per week, it would make a difference.


(ALL us parents have to look at the good things we do, instead of all the things we wish we could do)

Jeni,

Me, too on the friend thing. My best friend and I did everything together. We took the kids places, got together several times a week. Had slumber parties and went camping. Then she moved across the country. We talk 2 to 3 times a week but it is so different. I had to return to work two weeks after she left.

You are right. We need to look at the positives we do. Sometimes that is hard. I bake a lot with my children. They enjoy it. I do some. Sometimes it is hard to remember the enjoyment of being together is more important than the speed and end result.

I could not hack it up north. We have had a gloomy winter here in Alabama. I have had a terrible time dealing with it. Each sunny day, I want to go running around naked to soak up the warm sun.

Originally posted by mpeel
Each sunny day, I want to go running around naked to soak up the warm sun.

HAHA! Me too. And even though I live in "sunny California" I don't think it'd go over well. I just am not used to this much cloud and rain.