Tell me some tried and true advice regarding relationships....
dating, engagement, cohabitation and marriage.


Tell me something(s) you wish someone told you before you "tied' the knot. Tell me what you would "never" do again if you had the chance to do it all over again.

Thanks for appeasing my curiousity! :)

If there is something your SO does now that you can't deal with, move on, because you can't change him. Trying to change someone will only lead to heartache and animosity.
Best advice: Don't assume he knows what you're thinking. They don't read minds. (Personal experience today, lol.) ;)

posted a great list of things she has done with her dh to make a successful marriage. So djmdj are you out there and do you still have it?

my best advice was in a wedding card my mom gave me and she said this:
cherish eachother in everyway , its the little things in marriage that make the difference, share eachothers life, dreams, give eachother room to grow, keep strong faith in eachother and your marriage, respect one another, speak your mind honestly, openly but always with kindness. Trust eachother and let trust be your "rock". Most importanly always communicate!! Dont ever let silence win or your marriage will not win.

My mom and dad have been married 30yrs this jan and are still so in love with eachother :) So hopefully her advice will work for us.

The one think I wouldve done differently is have a wedding reception/ceremony. It was lovely, but the stress, money and time it took to plan , looking back now, its still just the two of us who thought that day was the most special... I shouldve just spent all that time and money on planning more of a honeymoon for us and using the $ to plan for our kids :)

A few things work for us:

Sherri Lewis was on the radio once and had this advice: "Be nicer to your spouse than you are to anyone else". This means say please and thank you, be courteous. I use that all the time and it works. I try to be nicer to him than anyone else in my life. Too many people are more polite to strangers than their family.

"Just do it". ;) If you aren't in the mood at first, you might get there. It helps him feel closer to you and be that romantic man you love.

He's not your girl friend. Don't expect him to be as chatty as one. Don't talk every minutia over. (Most) men aren't like that. Love him for who he is, not for who you think he could be.

That works for us. He has never risen his voice to me ever, and I like that, it shows me he is respectful of me and our children.

What works for us may or may not work for you. But I've btdt and found someone who feels like I do about life and love and it's really really nice :)

Originally posted by welshrabbit
If there is something your SO does now that you can't deal with, move on, because you can't change him. Yes, and figure out what those things are *before* you get married and decide if you can live with those things the rest of your life. Save yourself the headache.

Oh, and I WOULDN'T arry my ex-husband again.

>>>The one think I wouldve done differently is have a wedding reception/ceremony. It was lovely, but the stress, money and time it took to plan , looking back now, its still just the two of us who thought that day was the most special... I shouldve just spent all that time and money on planning more of a honeymoon for us and using the $ to plan for our kids <<<

ITA...we had the wedding with all the trimmings, and to be honest, there is a lot of stuff that I only remember when I look at the album, and it was fun, but really that money would have been better spent as a down payment on our house or something. My brother and his fiancee are planning a huge wedding, meanwhile they are living with her dad and they really should be using that money (IMO, of course!) to get a place of their own. But I digress....

What else? Well, at first it's a lot of fun to "play house" and maybe you might do quite a bit more than your fair share as far as housework, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. goes. The novelty of that wears off really fast, though your love interest might not be all that eager to pitch in after you have been doing everything for a few months, ya know? I used to think it was so much fun to come home from work, make dinner, clean up...and only in the past year or so has DH seen the light and realized that he needs to do all this fun stuff too, without me nagging. It would have been much easier if I had never started taking responsibility for everything.

One last thing: When you have little kids, sometimes the only plce you can talk privately is in the car after everyone falls asleep in their carseats. Drive, drive, drive, and don't go anywhere there is a stoplight, because the kiddos will wake up as soon as the car stops. We do this at least twice per week; it's the only time we can talk without having one or both kids screaming/crying/jumping on us/asking "why" over and over again/etc.

Michelle

i agree with the other mamas...
i'm also reading "the five love languages' lol and am learning a bit there too.

best advice... well.... i agree with being nice to your partner. Saying please, and thank you and offering to help or doing things for him without being asked goes a LONG way. Giving gifts too... a foot rub, making a special meal, printing a card out of the computer, sending an email.... saying somehow "im' thinking of you and i love you" in physical terms keeps things nice with us.
what else...

compliments. Saying ' you look great' or " you're so good at that' or 'wow, thanks for cooking , what a nice treat' . I try to do that with my kids, why woudln't i do that with my dh.

Talking - i agree that men aren't girlfriends and you can't expect them to be chatty...but i also think sometimes at least with us, dh will "stuff" his feelings and not talk...and sooner or later he'll just blow over something small. If i can keep him communicating with me we are all alot happier.

Laughing - keeping a sense of humor. giggling over silly stuff. being silly even. I dunno...sometimes for us thats watching southpark and eating popcorn. or a water balloon fight in the summer. i dunno. remembering to have fun.

maybe its just that you TRY. all the time. Whether its trying to give a compliment, trying to be polite, trying to make your spouse laugh, trying to give a gift - you keep on trying. So TRY. thats the best advice i'd give. Keep trying.

:)

have common interests and have fun together. dh & i run together and workout together and its an enormous bond! other things have comr and gone, from as silly of stuff as learning a new computer game together to planning a family feast. right now we're working on politics and his campaign together. and my plan for next year is that we're going to learn to build rock walls.

nak--but to me, it's important to stay connected.

Choose wisely and carefully and when you say *I do*, mean it or don't bother.

edited to add: Dh and i look at marraige as a lifelong, unconditional, commitment to an imperfect person. We give 100% of ourselves without expecting anything in return...that's why the chose wisely and carefully thing is so important.;) sometimes one gives more than the other but there is no scorecard...I think they call those divorce papers, lol.

Wow Erica... how did I miss this part of your life? Very excited for ya! Would love to hear more about things!

OK - happy couples... I don't know what it is. I think every couple has the ability to have true bliss. I don't know what is is for Michael n' I because we both question it everyday... we are bewildered that we are still together and still in love. We both come from divorced families so we expected the same would happen for us.

We know the mistakes of our parents I suppose.

My mother complained and whined and dreamed of some knight in shining armor. So advice: Choose your love, Love your choice. Don't go picking out your love, then fabricating other ideas. This was mentioned above... about changing people... you can't change others. My husband has changed over the past 15 years I have been with him. He is a better man, a better father, a better lover, a better cook... so people DO change... but not because you want them too.

My MIL cheated. She just couldn't verbalize what she wanted in her 30 year marriage I suppose. I guess she had needs for love and affection that weren't being satisfied. So advice: Don't wait 30 years to say 'I need a hug'. Also mentioned above... someone said...
Don't assume he knows what you're thinking. They don't read minds.

Say it when you need to say it. But say it gently and with respect.
Men look all big n' tough. They are bred' n' raised to act that way. But they are really gentle creatures - with true feelings.

My FIL was (is) a detached person. Advice: Don't love from a distance. Don't love through gifts or money. Love with your heart... ALL of it!!!! I've been married since 1991, but only recently gave my heart away. I finally figured it out... It would be better for me to love (and LOVE TRULY) and lost, then never to have loved at all. That saying is often said, but really needs to be understood. I was protecting myself from potentially being hurt before. Now I get it. So what if I do get hurt? So what? At least I am loving (and really enjoying it) now. If I lose later, if my heart should get broken later... hey, I can move on knowing that I am a person capable of giving great love. I was holding this back before with fear of losing. I don't hold back anymore. Even in a fight - I do not hold back from my honest feelings. I will say straight out - even while screaming and yelling - "I love you!".

My father had a nasty scary temper. Advice: Stay in control of yourself. Have respect. There's no need to scare others. There's no need to be mean. Have respect for yourself by being honest... honest about your feelings, honest about your needs. Have respect for others... don't say or do hurtful things.

So there. My advice listed out by the mistakes of others. I hope it works for me. I hope it works for you.

Tell me some tried and true advice regarding relationships.... dating, engagement, cohabitation and marriage.

Just do what feels right for you!!! The two of you I mean. Throw out any stupid rules regarding how long you should date before getting engaged, or if you should live together before getting married! There are no rules in love!!!

Who would have thought that Michael and I would have such blissful love for one another when we only dated for a few months before I got pregnant? Our dating relationship was also tumultuous... nothing that seemed hopeful. We were only 18 and 19 when we had our first baby together! No one gave us a snowball's chance in... well you get it. It's not about everyone else and what predictions they may have. We just kinda' wing it day to day and that's what works best... following our hearts. Really - do not listen to others... unless what they are saying makes you feel happy... really happy.

Yeah - and I have to second the advice on weddings too. What a hype... big fu fu weddings. We had a nice big event. It had nothing to do with us. It was a big show put on for others. it was stressful to us and not really all that much fun at all. If we had it to do over again we would definitely take the money and run off to somewhere private, just the 2 of us! Well, in our case it was already the 3 of us. We married when Nic was 10 months old. We married because other people kept saying "shouldn't you guys be getting married now that you have a child together?" BLAH! The ceremony was meaningless to us. Our love and commitment is all that we needed --- without the display.

All the best to you!

Communication. That's the key. Dh and I communicate very well most of the time, and if communication ever breaks down we fix it. I'd say that I've learned the most about this from my IL's. They are TERRIBLE communicators, so we learn what NOT to do.

I second Gwen on communication. That's exactly what I was getting ready to post about and I refreshed and saw that she did. Communication I have found for me is the key to a happy healthy marriage. And I have learned that you can never reach a perfect communication. It is something that is always a work in progress. Men and women just think and communicate differently, and I always try to remember that, especially when we are having issues. I have had to accept that he thinks differently and I have come to embrace it.

Also, I know it sounds so cliche, but truly, never go to bed angry. When you do, things just escalate way out of proportion, and by morning time, things seem much bigger and worse than they actually are.

I love the advice you have gotten about being respectful and courteous to your spouse. That is excellent advice.

Don't marry someone if you have ANY doubts of any kind about them and their love for you. Do not put more than your share into making it work (they have to meet you and do equal amounts of caring while dating)

Don't assume that you will grow in the same direction but aim for it once you do marry.

Meet each others' various emotional needs as best as you can but know that there will be times over your life together where you can not control the other person's choices.

Try to be friends above all else (companions and confidants)

I agree with hmm what was her name anyways dont assume that he can read your mind

i know this is a new relationship for you and i can see you are so excited. the other mamas have given some great advice so i will jsut add a few things to think about:

how is blending families going to be? his ex? your ex? soemtimes all that bagage can get too heavy to carry. make sure it you are both going in with your eyes wide open on this one. btdt.

follow you intuition!! if something doesn't seem right--its not!!!

are there any red flags?? heed them!!!!

good luck!! what an exciting time.

my dh and i went a bit unconventional way- and he and i are great together--not perfect!! but we always work things out.

luna

Some great advice so far!!

I will add that I waited & was what some of my friends called "too picky" about whom I was to marry. But the end result on that advice... most of my friends are now divorced, I got to marry my best friend, and two of the others I could have married make me totally sick now when I see them!

DH and I were best friends first & foremost... we hung out together & did things with others in our little group as well as together. When DH finally decided that I was "the one," we were on our way to see a movie & he pulled out some roses & told me that I was his best friend but he wanted more out of the relationship & he wanted to move forward. Shortly after that, he ended up proposing while I was washing dishes at his place after supper (totally romantic timing, huh! :rolleyes: )

I always tell people that the most important thing to remember is that you have to actually LIKE the person you're marrying because some days you don't wear those loving rose-colored glasses! Huge difference between LIKE and LOVE on those days... LOL

You can graciously and sincerely say you are sorry without even feeling you were wrong.

Treat him with honor and respect, always.

Give him 5 compliments a day,,I promise they come back to you.

Say thankyou for what he does for you, even if at times it doesn't seem enough, or as much as he should..

I hve more,,and may come back later to this. My toddler is desperate for me@

I agree with a lot of what has been said already.

Starting from the beginning.... Before you ever get into a lifelong relationship, you need to experience being totally happy, independent, and satisfied just being by yourself. It's harder with kids, I'm sure, but in some ways it probably makes you stronger, because you've had to care for them and yourself as well.

Next, my big thing is shared values. If you're starting from a place of agreement on what's most important to you, then you can feel free and safe to grow and change together and not feel threatened by changes in the other person. Arguments will be about relatively small matters, not undermining the foundations of your relationship.

And ITA about the wedding thing, too. Tim and I hadn't planned on getting married, just staying together without that "piece of paper". But a few weeks before we were to move to Ohio together, we decided to do it. We planned and executed our wedding in less than two weeks. It was small and simple. There were 12 guests and it was at a small chapel at a navy base here (my dad was in the navy [my mom, too] so he arranged it). It was even a Catholic wedding, which is usually impossible on such short notice, because they want you to do the 9-month "pre-Cana" preparation, but the Navy priest cut us some slack. Anyway, my point is just that we had a beautiful, ideal (for us) wedding on a very small budget with very little lead time and almost no stress, so it IS possible and very nice to do that way!:)

Good luck! Follow you heart, but check with your head.;)

First, I agree that men do not read minds. That's why they call it "women's intuition." If you want him to do or say something, ask him to. Of course, avoid nagging -- that does nothing to motivate. :)

Secondly, don't keep score. Don't let yourself think "I washed my dish after dinner, and he just left his on the table," or "I listened to him complain about my job, but he watched tv when I wanted to vent." If it is something that bothers you, nip it in the bud. If it doesn't bother you enough to say something about it right away, let it go. It is not fair to either of you to let things fester in your head, and then add them to all the other "stuff," usually coming out in an argument about something completely different.

And as for cohabitation, I don't think it works. Keep your own homes until you are TRULY ready to make the real commitment. Especially with blending families, you need the "real thing" and shacking up just doesn't cut it.

Hope you & Cameron have many happy years together. :D

It's hard work. Nobody every told me it was hard work to stay married. It's hard work to learn how to manage money and to discuss it without somebody freaking out. I'm sorry I don't have any advise, other than it's not a joke, it's not always fun, but if you work at it, it's the most rewarding thing outside of raising children you can do in life.