MIL just sent me an Amazon gift cert and I've been meaning to look into some books about raising boys and their aggressive/violent sides. Does anyone have any favorites to recommend that will mesh with my gentle parenting beliefs and practices? Also, I am not Christian so please no recommendations for books with a religious focus.

TIA!

No one has any recommendations?

I don't know about any books about aggression in boys. Some boys are busy and/or impulsive, - but that does not mean they are 'aggressive'.

My top recommendations:

The Highly Sensitive Child by Aron

Your Spirited Child (can't recall author)

Raising a Son (can't recall the author)

Playful Parenting (again, author, can't remember)

Anything in the Your 4 Year Old, Your 5 Year Old etc series. I have found them to be excellent.


Laurie

I found a lot of raising boys books were either for older boys, as in teen feelings...or recommended physical discipline....ugh. These books that I will post below do not recommend that, and in fact, quite the opposite, citing that as a trouble spot in behavior for some boys.

Real Boys by William Pollack

The Men They Will Become by Eli Newberger

Both address issues with boys, like aggression and violence, how society helps encourage those behaviors, what to do, how to minimize.....etc. Plus other issues with boys, that will help you with your son, age wise. (o: It did for me at least. (o; Justin is 4....

Thanks for the replies. I'm ordering most of these, except for the ones our library has. :D

And I agree with you Laurie. My son isn't really aggressive or violent per se, he is just very impulsive and strong-willed. Unfortunately he expresses much of this through physically aggressive behavior.

Steen is so big! I like Real Boys. Not very far into it but it's good so far.

Would a 2 year old who...

...hits the dogs, pulls their hair out, tries to pull their legs off...

...head butts mommy in the face & bloodies her lip, sticks his finger in her nose and bloodies it, and slaps her...

be considered "agressive"??

I am just beside myself in the past coupla weeks. I don't know what has come over my sweet little boy. Maybe he is reacting to me being at work for the first time since he has been born (just 10-20 hrs. a week.) I am off to look for some of these books...

Originally posted by Adria
Steen is so big! I like Real Boys. Not very far into it but it's good so far.

lol I can't believe what a big boy my baby has become. Sigh... He is growing up so fast and of course this brings new parenting challenges. I'm looking forward to reading these books. He was such an easy child the first 3 years but since turning 3 we are facing all sorts of new issues. I never needed to read parenting books before this. :rolleyes:

Oh, 3 yr olds - what an age. Every day is a struggle!

I love Dr. Dobson's book about boys - "The Wonder of Boys" (I honestly can't remember the title - it's something like that). I know he's a Christian, but it was a great book. The thing I liked about it was he talked to men about things they did as a little boy and it made me realize that even though my boys do crazy stuff, they are not destined for a life of delinquency!

I loved his story about the boy who put some type of cherry bomb in the sewer and blew up all the toilets in the neighborhood! He's now some type of normal respectable man.

Melinda

Angelbaby. A 2 yr old is a mere baby. They do not have the cognitive abilities to think these behaviors through. It's mostly about impulse control at this age. Plus, 2 yr olds love big reactions. It's not often malicious intent.

I think a 2 yr old who acts like this needs constant supervision and many gentle reminders, " Gentle with our dog. Pat the doggy gently like this" and show him how. Tell him "No hurting. Gentle touching" and show him how. As soon as he reaches for your nose, I would hold his hand gently and say, "Gentle touches. No hurting in this family. Touch Mommy gently". And show him gentle- take his hand and show him how to pat gently. All this said as calmly as you can. If he hurts you still, put him down. Remind him. "No hurting, gentle touches. No hurting ".

Since he must be with a babysitter the hours you are at work, I would specifically ask that he *not* be handled roughly in any way. He needs models of gentle behavior. He sounds like a challenge. He should *never* be left alone with the dog. The dog could hurt him. Model model modle the behavior you wish to see. If you see him go towards the dog, be right there. Touch the dog first. "Gentle pats. The dog likes you. Gentle touching'. Over and over and over again.

I don't know enough about your child to say whether he is in need of intervention or what have you. But I would strongly caution agaist any sort of physical punishment. The last thing an impulsive childneeds is an impulsive adult being rough.

This prob doesn't help. Impulsive children are challenging-- but these are the children who most need adults to be in gentle control.

I also like the book, The Highly Sensitive Child by Aron. It's a very thoughtful book on challenging children.

Laurie

Thanks for the advice Laurie...and that is EXACTLY what I have been doing. I would never use physical punishment no matter what. I was spanked as a child and I remember the physical and mental pain it left me with. Each time he is around the dogs (which there are 4), I pet their backs gently and say to him "Be nice to the doggies, love the doggies." And he imitates me, then I see him 5 min. later go kick the dogs! And I keep telling him, "No, do not hit, we have to be nice. That hurts mommy/doggie, etc."

Also, my mother watches him while I am at work, and we have all lived in the same house since he was born, so he is very comfortable with her. Yet, he still "acts out" when I am gone, and especially right after I return from work. My mom is gentle with him too, but my father thinks my son "needs to be disciplined". It makes me SO mad when he says that! I just say, "Yeah, ok, what do you want me to do? Spank him when he hits the dogs or me? What kind of lesson would that be? That would make it all worse!"

Anyway...I am not really worried that he will grow up to be super aggressive and violent because he is such a rambunctious 2 year old. I just am just trying to figure out if my sons behavior is normal and how I should deal with it. Thanks :O)

Angela, I am so with you!!! lol DH and I swear that neither of our other boys were this way when they were 3... but geez, Adam is a whole 'nother sort. ;-)

DH is reading Playful Parenting right now, I am reading Kids are Worth It. Between us, we are finding things that are working more often.

One thing that worked that amazed me (I was thinking, NO WAY WILL THIS WORK!)... he was hitting someone for something (probably because they got on the other end of the couch). I went over to him and put my hands around him and todl him I *COULD* be using my hands to hit, but I wasn't. Then later on that day (yes, that day) he bit Lauren on the back. I made sure she was ok, then went over to him and pinned him down and told him that I *COULD* bite him with my mouth, but I was gonna kiss him instead and then I kissed him all over his face/neck. Both times he ate it all up. Now... of course I do those things other times so he doesn't do the mean things to get the hugs and kisses he so wants/needs.

This too shall pass.

I think I might still have the *your 3 year old* book if you want it. I think I have it memorized now. ;-)

Originally posted by Mom2Steen
Thanks for the replies. I'm ordering most of these, except for the ones our library has. :D

And I agree with you Laurie. My son isn't really aggressive or violent per se, he is just very impulsive and strong-willed. Unfortunately he expresses much of this through physically aggressive behavior.

my 4 year old has been this way too...for several years now. he was assesed as having "behavioral and social" problems and attended the preschool through the school district that caters to their needs-i have noticed a difference in him while at school...it really sounds to me like part of your sons agression is that he needs more stimulation. they get bored and act out in some situations.

I hope you get help through these books.

and his best book about parenting for what you're talking about is this one:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0201441934/qid=1065324970/sr=1-4/ref=sr_1_4/102-3103949-4208936?v=glance&s=books

Great book. I am reading his book about special needs kids now (my son is mildly autistic.) He has a technique he calls "floor time" where you spend one on one time with your child, playing on the floor, following his lead, and communicating face to face as much as possible. He says, in a nutshell, that this reduces undesirable behavior and helps special needs kids develop as well. It's not quite that simple, but sounds great. I notice that my son does better when he has more one on one adult play time. Check it out, the library should have it. Easy reading too, no mumbo jumbo jargon. HTH, Laura

*Great* advice Laurie!!! So true, so true!!!! (o:

Laura, Goonboy, I missed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

I haven't been around much, thanks for making me feel welcome and loved. I've missed you too. HOw about another Portland get together? -Laura

Yes! Wouldn't a holiday crafty get together for kids be fun!? Making something crafty for the kids, or WITH the kids....or, ummm, having the kids make them!!!!! (o; Ornaments, decorations, etc. Hmmmm, we need to consider this!!!!! (o:

Angelbaby. Sounds like you have a good handle on it. I have a challenging child, and it is very tiring. But in a weird way, also very rewarding. These are the children that teach us things we need to know.

I also didn't mean to write as if you would leave your child with a caregiver who might be rough. I know Amity Mamas are pretty thoughtful folks. I was just thinking that sometimes a particular caregiver might have a style that would not mesh with certain kids, yk? Sounds as if you and your mom are on the same page, and that is very helpful.

I was wondering if your father might have ever hit the dog on the nose... or anything like that? YK, little kids take these things as lessons. And our impulsive ones would grab onto such a lesson and run with it. DOes he get a lot of physical activity,- running around, climbing etc. Maybe he has a lot of energy and needs big spaces to move fast, safely. A tired kid can be a happy kid sometimes. lol

Thinking of you!

Laurie

Originally posted by jessica_momof5
it really sounds to me like part of your sons agression is that he needs more stimulation. they get bored and act out in some situations.

I hope you get help through these books.

Thanks Jessica. I think you really hit the nail on the head. DS is pretty smart and he constantly wants to be learning and doing. Even during "free play" at home he talks non-stop about what he is doing and wants us to be interacting with him. He has to show us everything and tell us what he is doing. At school there is one teacher, one aide and one parent helper for 12 2 and 3 yr olds. DS just doesn't get the stimulation or adult interaction that I suppose he is accustomed to.

I've put him on the waiting list to be bumped up to the 3 and 4 yr old class even though he would be the youngest 3 yr old (only by a month or so and we know some of the other children already from playgroup and LLL). Most of the activities in the 2-3 yr old class just are not a challenge at all for him. They only have peg puzzles available and he can do 24 piece jigsaw puzzles on his own. :rolleyes: The art activities are very simple and he loves to do involved crafts at home.

So I definitely think boredom is an issue with his behavior problems at school. I'm not really looking to do "homeschool" pre-school because the whole point of his going to pre-school was so I could have a very small break twice a week. The 2.5 hours twice a week have made a big difference in my sanity.

I'm still at a loss for how to deal with his constant talk about fighting and killing. He was even using his playsilks to make up a fighting "game" this week. Ugh!

Thanks to everyone for the great book suggestions. Our library has a few of them and I'm trying to acquire the others as quickly as possible. I even think that our local LLL library has a few of them.