DS has always been such an easygoing child but lately has been very aggressive towards other children. I can't pinpoint exactly when it all started but it has gotten progressively worse over the past 4-6 months. When I picked him up from pre-school today (which he LOVES) his teacher actually spoke to me about his behavior. Apparently he sometimes growls at and scratches the other children (pretending to be a dinosaur) whenever there is a dispute over a toy or taking turns or some such. He is _EXTREMELY_ verbal so that is not the problem.

He is obsessed with dinosaurs and has been for well over a year now. He has tons of dinosaur figures, books and even the BBC documentary Walking with Dinosaurs (and the Prehistoric Beasts one as well). He is forever pretending to be some dinosaur or another. This wasn't a problem until recently when he began to act out more aggressive and violent dinosaur behavior and talk about killing. :rolleyes: Ugh! This is a child who watches only "peaceful" videos and programs almost exclusively (think Thomas, Little Bear, Oswald, etc.). It's not as though he is sitting around watching Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers all day.

He is also very big into hitting things and has been since he could first pick up a stick. We try to direct his "energy" into positive activities like playing baseball or pounding on his pounding bench. Even all of his block and lego play inevitably ends in destruction these days. He doesn't even know the words "gun" or "sword" but has his own versions - "fire drills" and "treasures".

We talk a lot at home about using kind words and not hitting and treating others as he likes to be treated. He always says he understands and agrees and will try to behave nicely but once he is around other children he loses control. This summer we actually had to stop attending the playgroup we've been a part of for over 2 years because I couldn't trust him to behave nicely for even one second. We've begun going again but I have to watch him like a hawk so that I can redirect as soon as I see him even thinking about hitting or chasing.

Is this truly "normal" 3 yo behavior? I'm thinking not since his teacher saw fit to actually mention it and suggest that we try to work on it at home. This is a co-operative playschool that only uses redirection, no negative discipline at all. They are very understanding and skilled working with 2 and 3 yr olds so they know what they are doing.

Finally, I provide an example from last week to illustrate why I am so worried. I was picking DS up from school and we are walking form the playground to the parking lot (they end their day with free play outside). A boy around the same age as DS, perhaps older, was sitting on the path playing in the rocks as his father stood nearby watching him. DS said in a not very nice voice that he should "Move out of our way!". The boy just looked up at him and DS bent down to hit him. He ended up just barely grazing him as I intervened. We walked on and I asked DS why he thought that was an acceptable thing to do, yada, yada, yada and he ran back and hit the child again. We were at least 5 yards away and it isn't as though the other child had said anything. DS just felt the need to go back and hit him for being in the middle of the pathway. Argh!!!! I feel like the worst mother on the face of the earth. DH and I are honestly discussing whether we should even have another child at this point.

I did go through and weed out any video that has anything violent or unacceptable in it at all (mostly Disney of course lol) - Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Dinosaur, Peter Pan, etc. DS typically only watches a bit of Nick Jr in the mornings as he wakes up and eats breakfast and then something in the afternoons as he winds down for a nap (though he is napping less and less these days). Should I take away all of his dinosaurs and dinosaur books? By books I mean these huge dinosaur reference books, not just storybooks. Do I stop going to playgroup? I am scared to have anyone over to play at this point even. It used to be I worried about our 90 + lb dog hurting small children unintentionally - now I worry about my 28 lb 3 yr old hurting someone. Sheesh!

Anyone want to give me some advice or commiserate? And in case you are wondering, DS has never, ever been physically punished or disciplined. We very rarely raise our voices even (usually on those bad mommy days that happen right before AF). We do ask him to go to his room and come out when he feels he is able to behave nicely and respectfully. He goes voluntarily and usually ends up playing nicely by himself or having a good cry to get out those 3 yr old frustrations. Often I will ask him if he is ready to come out and he will say not quite yet. We don't even make him close his door unless he is really out of control or very whiney.

Okay, DS needs some ice water now so I will end the world's longest post here. I look forward to reading the replies and hope that I feel like a less sucky parent in the morning.

I could have written your thread:( DS just turned 3 himself and we deal with this now. He was never like this and recently he has started trying to be the bully. He acts the same way with the scratching and growling and he IS NOT into anything with dinosaurs at all so I don't think it necessarily has to deal with that. DS watches the Disney channel in the am ONLY, geared toward preschoolers. DS doesn't attend a playgroup, in fact, I'm a little nervous about him being around ANY children at this time because of our situation. So, in response to your question, DO NOT think you are a bad mother. Children go through these stages, some worse than others;) I feel for you, truly, and if you ever need to vent personally, you can pm or call:)

Well, I guess the first thing that came to mind when I read your post was that you were trying to reason with him.

And maybe that's just not effective right now.

At that age we had a lot more progress with simple cause-effect discipline. We used 1-2-3 Magic to extinguish or manage problem behaviors. We use it with both the seven year old and our not-quite two year old twins. All boys. It's effective, compassionate (no yelling, no hitting) but actually forbids a lot of "talking" about the issue.

My eldest is very highly verbal, years above his age in expression. There is still a lot that he doesn't understand. Kids don't develop the ability to think very abstractly--consistently--until later. But he gets that actions have consequences and he's grateful for the chance to get it right.

FWIW - my 3 year old is a physical basket case. :-) This week I started telling him that I am choosign to use my hands for holding, not for hitting. I was thinking it was rather hokey and wouldn't work.... it did. :-/ Immediately he hugged me back and started petitng my face.

Later on that day he bit his sister on the back (but just with one tooth, Mom). I pinned him down and told him I was choosign to use my mouth.... then kissed him all over his face. sigh...

Then... dh read in Playful Parenting that especially with boys who are agressive, sometimes telling him that "oh, that must have been a love kick" then smothering him with love right then and there. I am not too sure of this, because I CERTAINLY don't want it to escalate for him to just get more 'lovin' form Mom and Dad... so I think the key with this idea is to definitely use it alongwith MUCH more love and kisses when he isn't showing agression, as well.

Adam is very agressive... and it is hard. But, the little 3 year old boy across the street is much the same... same age... both are gently parented (we try our hardest! lol).

HTH - and know that this too shall pass... eventually. ;-)

Angela, I have to tell you to please not be too shocked. It's hard, I know. But this seems to be a normal phase all kids, boys moreso, go through...and yes, I believe you never spank him or etc., and yet he is still "violent". My son was the same. He'd pretend to "shoot" things, and when I'd explain why I did not like guns? He'd say "Oh Mom, it's just pretend!".......LOL. I still have NO idea where he saw or heard about guns....same for the things you mentioned. They just pick them up and run with them, from guns to hitting to "killing". I think it's normal, and how we react determines how they react. I really hope you know no one thinks from his behavior that you just must be spanking at home or allowing him to watch R rated movies full of violence. It often feels that way, at least it did for me! I'd imagine wow, if other gentle parents saw THIS?! They'd for sure think I was full of it and that Justin MUST be seeing this behavior from us! Argh. Not so Mama. (o: And yes, and yes, 3 is the age. I breezed through, ok not breezed but walked, LOL, through the 2's....thinking wow, the 3's will be a piece of cake!!!!!! Uh-huh....argh. The 3's were the most trying times.....really. My son is now 4 and is past that, and I look back and think "Him? He was ever like that?"....Yep, he was, but it seems long ago now. (o: I promise it will pass. And I agree, you may need to add in a bit more "This is not ok, hitting hurts" over trying to explain a long explanation, as he may not be really "hearing" you and may be tuning out.

((HUGS)) Mama.

Hi Angela,

First, I wanted to tell you that I feel for you and can tell how frustrated you are with Steen. But also, I see that you care so much for him that you want to help him in the most positive and effective way, without physical discipline. :::standing ovation for that::: We have an almost-4-year-old who is also obsessed with dinosaurs. We are very familiar with the 'Walking With' series, the huge reference books, etc. And Sam does sometimes pretend to be a dinosaur, right down to ripping bits of food with his teeth, "just like an Allosaurus."

He's done a few of the behaviors you've described, namely the growling--but only with me, not anyone else. For growling, I tell him that I don't like the sound he's making because it sounds mean, and that we can talk when he uses a pleasant voice. If he continues to do it, I repeat myself or walk out of the room. If he ever starts to act aggressively, even in dino role-play, I immediately intervene and tell him that hitting/biting/whatever hurts and that it's not acceptable. Sometimes he says, "but I am an Allosaurus." And I say, "I understand that you are an Allosaurus, but you still cannot hurt people." Honestly, it hasn't happened more than once or twice, and it's never gone past that with Sam; he stops the aggressive dino behavior at that point.

Maybe steer him in the direction of the peaceful plant-eaters for pretend play? I know it probably isn't as fun for him to pretend to be an Anatosaurus. ;) I do think that you could tell him that the other children at his school will not want to be around him if he acts like that. And once you decide on your course of action, you can have a pow-wow with the preschool teacher(s) to make sure they know about it.

With Sam, I'm really no-nonsense about stuff like this. I consider myself a gentle but strict parent. I wouldn't take away Steen's dinosaur stuff. But maybe try using his favorite dino things as treats for good behavior rather than just a given. Like, try telling him that he can watch Walking With Dinosaurs if he doesn't act like a mean dinosaur. (But if you see him growling/hitting/biting, he doesn't get to watch it.)

Let us know how things are going. I can tell your patience is wearing thin, but I hope you find a good way to handle this rough patch.

Tara

Sounds like normal 3 year-old boy behavior to me. When I say normal, I am not condoning the actions, but understanding where they are coming from. Boys just have a higher level of testosterone (affecting a boy's aggressiveness and his tendency toward dominance and competition), lower serotonin levels (which can make a boy more volatile and impulsive), and a larger amygdala (part of the brain structure) which responds to perceived threats in ways that can precipitate violence.

The hard parent of parenting a son (at least, for me) is finding the best way to teach them the boundaries for these types of behaviors. I, personally, do not believe we should totally ban any type of aggressive behavior, as that is part of their biological make-up. But, we do need to teach them how to express it with others (if that makes any sense). Tara gave some good examples:) Also, you might want to try to ensure he has adequate time at home to express some of the aggressiveness (playing hard outside, running, screaming in fun, etc).

Hugs of understanding...

this might not be a popular opinion...but....i don't think it is 'normal boy behavior'.

when i first started reading your post i thought, 'does he go to pre-school?' then i read he did. everyone i know has boys and all the agressive boys go to pre-school. they seem to feel the need to defend 'themselves and their territory' even when there is no immediate indication that someone is challenging them.

i know there are many boys who go to pre-school who aren't like this and i am not saying pre-school is bad. but the group dynamics with children this age can make some children more aggressive. at out local waldorf school the teachers say they can spot a kid who has been at pre-school by how agressive/assertive they are.

i also use to do the time out thing. and i found that it actually made his behavior worse. i found when they act like that, they need more attention not less. and probably a really good cry in your arms.


sorry you are having a hard time. it won't last forever.
luna

I have to say I agree w/elfmaker. It is normal for a 3yo to be rambunctious etc. But my DS also started displaying this type of behavior shortly after starting at a new daycare, at first I thought it was just coincidence, but then after about 2 months he started complaining that he hated his school and he didn't want to go back etc. So we pulled him out and at the same time his behavior has stopped. I'm not saying that your son goes to a bad school or anything, but sometimes children do things to eachother when the teacher isn't looking or who knows what else, but that could be a contributor? I hope you will not take this personally, it's just my experience.

((angela))

wow! that is tough :(. especially the part about running back to hit a boy. as far as "is this normal 3yo boy behavior?" i don't even feel qualified to answer. as you know, my son is not really normal and the rest of my kids are girls.

but i do know this:
you are not responsible for everything he does. of course you are responsible for how you deal with it and providing alternatives, consequences, etc...but please remember that steen makes his own choices.
steen's poor choices do not indicate that you are a bad mother.

whether or not it is normal is really a non-issue imo. either way it needs to be changed.

how to do that? sheez, this is where being a mom gets to be tough.

i have more ramblings but rachel's waking up. good luck mama, i will write more to this later because i have more opinions on some of this, lol!

he shouldn't (bite, throw something which could hit someone when it lands)

I find that asking him "Do you want someone to bite you?!"

or

"Do you want someone to throw something and have it hit you?!"

gets through to him more completely the issue than the talk which we have about using words and so on.

I do the talk first and then.......ask the question and I see a lightbulb go off in his mind "Aha! No that isn't what I would want" and he feels for the other person more.

My ds is also 3 and I could have written your post, with the exception that he has never gone to preschool. So I have to differ with the ones who say that it is the preschool environment. If it was just the boys who go to preschool, my ds shouldnt act the way he does. He can be very terrible when he wants. We have tried everything, and I do mean eveyrthing including som things not "allowed" to be discussed here. Nothing has worked, so we are working on this is just a phase, it too will pass. We try to intervene whenever possible, and try to show him that he will have consequenses for his actions. But for the most part I do think that it is "normal"

Originally posted by freedomlover
he shouldn't (bite, throw something which could hit someone when it lands)

I find that asking him "Do you want someone to bite you?!"

or

"Do you want someone to throw something and have it hit you?!"

gets through to him more completely the issue than the talk which we have about using words and so on.

I do the talk first and then.......ask the question and I see a lightbulb go off in his mind "Aha! No that isn't what I would want" and he feels for the other person more.

Using empathy has worked for my son, too. Sometimes it is hard for people to understand, but boys who sometimes show aggressive behaviors can also be sensitive to others feelings. They just need to have the focus brought back to how their actions affect the other child.

Thanks for all the advice so far. This behavior surfaced months _BEFORE_ he started pre-school so I honestly think it is completely unrelated. It hasn't gotten any worse (or better) at all since starting school. School is only 2.5 hours a day twice a week and DS really enjoys it. When DH and I explained that he couldn't go to school if he could not play nicely and not hurt the other children he was quick to say that he didn't want to stop going to school.

The unwanted behavior definitely escalated this summer when a particular girl (10 mos older than DS) in our playgroup began mercilessly antagonizing DS. Luckily she is now in school on Monday mornings when we have playgroup so we see her a lot less frequently these days. (The bad part is that her mother and I are very close friends and her treatment of DS has been straining our friendship.) This girl would approach DS who was playing nicely in the sand and begin to tease him or purposely mess up his sand castles, etc. We've been working really hard on walking away, ignoring her, etc. It obviously bothers DS because he talks about it a lot.

DH and I have decided to make some changes in our evenings and weekends. Namely we will spend a lot more time paying attention to DS rather than trying to recover from our days or get work done on the house. We have been working in our yard a lot recently which means DS was not exactly ignored but possibly not receiving the attention he needed. Also, I think we will push ahead our swingset plans and buy one sooner rather than later. DS definitely has some energy to burn that we are not addressing effectively IMO. We're going to pick-up a new soccer ball today so he and DH can kick the ball around while I work on dinner in the evenings.

As for the pre-school, DS is one of only a few boys in his classroom. Two of the other boys are recently turned 2 and DS really doesn't have much to do with them. There are 2 boys his age that he does play with and they are way less "territorial" and aggressive than DS. I arrived early yesterday to watch DS on the playground from a distance and observed him climb on the back of one of the boys who was plying in the sand by himself. The boy did nothing and DS walked away after getting off of him.

The "wrestling" issue is a bit of a problem since DS wrestles with his 14 yo uncle qute a bit. We are trying really hard to get them to play other things like trains and blocks. :rolleyes:

I think a lot of DS's behavior comes out of frustration with other children. He is very bright (I suppose we all think this about our children though) and becomes frustrated when other children don't think or play like he does. The worst is when he is pretending something and some other child is rude enough to say "You are not a dinsoaur!" or "This is not a boat!". He takes his imaginative play very seriously, iykwim.

As for "time-outs", they have worked well for us to date. We use them as a last resort and DS is in control of when he comes out of his room. He gets tons of hugs and laptime and as an only child (so far) he rarely lacks attention. I am super understanding of him when he is tired, frustrated, hungry, etc. Hugs are the first thing offerred when it is clear he is having a hard day. And he is quick to offer them to his friends when they are having a hard time as well. I guess I have forgotten to mention what a loving, empathetic child he is most of the time. We even use the "bath as distraction" method to "wash away" yucky feelings when he is having a hard day.

I truly believe it is only a phase and not some signs of deep-seated anger. I just need some coping tools to get us over the rough patches.

i'm just posting to say i'm so sorry you're dealing with this and that tho i don't have a 3 year old boy (yet, he's still just a wee thing who can barely find his hands) .. i'm reading this thread with interest.

one of my best friends irl has a 3yo boy. He's been raised gently. with limited and parent supervised television, no violent tv . there is no hitting in their home. they parent gently and calmly and rationally. i've nothing but respect for this woman and her family - i learn from her despite the fact t hat i'm quite a bit older. and you know actually exactly to whom i'm referring (waving as i'm sure she'll read this thread later today).
Her son has been agressive for some times. First he was biting but he got thru that. He still runs hot and cold - sometimes playing beautifully, giving hugs to his friends, giving the babies gentle kisses. And then suddenly he'll snap and pull a toy away from someone, kick, hit, grab , push. He's not as verbal as Steen, but i don't think thats the issue. I'm not sure what it is other then normal testosterone in a 3yr old. ?!?!

This child is not in school, tho he attends several playgroups. And he's not alone. In our general playgroup the boys are generally much more agressive then the girls. I see the moms of boys at our (quite mainstream) group jumping up to intervene with their boys much much more often then we mothers of girls the same age.

anyway. i feel awful when my friends son does these things and have no idea how to help her, or my other friends with boys being so agressive. I actually know a woman on line who resorted to putting together an all girls playgroup cuz her dd was getting so beaten up each week. (luckily even when zoey does get beat on she gets over it quicklYy)

anyway. rambling here. Wanted to offer my support and hugs to you Angela - we know its nothing you've done! (and to my other friend the same hugs and thoughts). And i'll read and read along if i may knowing that i'll be dealing with this too soon enough

xxxooo