dd is almost 3. She is misbehaving A LOT. I think that may be just her personality because she has always been high energy never holding still and frankly quite pissed (due to reflux). Now the pissed part is her being quite wild and defiant!

I just don't see any of her peers acting like this.
I see them have little tiny tantrums sometimes but they actually STOP. We live in a southern area and there is a lot of yes ma'am/no ma'am and really calm children who do everything they are told to do *sigh*.

Last week I went grocery shopping, it went pretty good until checkout though she ran off a few times and got mad because she wanted to ride in a car cart and there wasn't one.

At the checkout she had this HUGE meltdown because I didn't give her candy. She didn't even ask me if she could please have some (which she knows how to do). She just started screaming I WANT CHOCOLATE! I WANT CANDY! RIGHT N-O-W! (has anyone seen the advertisement for condoms with the kid having a tantrum in a store? well like that but a million times worse!). I made her put it back.

While I was paying she ran away yet again and tried to get some more candy from another aisle. Then she started screaming. I couldn't really hear her because I was really trying to block her out LOL.
I know she was loud because we were at the checkout and the people way over at the pharmacy all turned around. It not only felt like everyone was looking at us, they actually WERE. agh!

I ignored her, I just didn't know what else to do and reasoning wasn't working.
The guy who bagged our stuff put groceries in the seat part of the cart so I kind of tucked kicking, screaming, flailing dd under my arm and headed out the door w/ the cart, got some help from another guy thank goodness or I probably would have dropped dd who tried to grab some more candy from a display as we were leaving.

Today we went to return some things and at one point I thought I had lost dd. She wouldn't stay with me and kept disappearing while I was getting my credit card credited.
I needed to get some things but had to leave as usual because she doesn't hold still..EVER and kept running off.
When I left she kept screaming NO! I will stay with you! I WON'T GO WHERE I CAN'T SEE YOU! I WILL! I WILL! I WANT TO STAY! but at this point I had already talked to her several times and had left the customer service counter several times to find her after she promised to stay right with me.

This has been happening almost every day, she throws big tantrums, takes stuff of of shelves and racks at stores and throws everything on the floor, runs away, and gets mad over everything. She is small (24lbs and very short, maybe like the size of some 18m olds still but REALLY REALLY verbal) so people laugh and fawn over her and think she is cute when she is mad. NOT HELPFUL!
It is really getting to be a safety issue because she won't stay with me at all and knocks over the umbrella stroller if she is in there.
I tried the sling again when I needed two hands and she flailed around and climbed out the bottom.

The other day she screamed and ranted all the way home. I don't think I am depressed right now but while she was screaming I kept getting these thoughts about driving into other cars and trees.

If my older dd acts like that screaming/throwing things/biting/tantrums after warnings (and she does act like that too she most likely really does have adhd but is unmedicated and has several funny tic type things/odd behaviors) I tell her she can't scream in the house and put her outside on the porch so she could be by herself for a while (with me watching her of course). and she sits a while then I come out and talk to her, but if I did that to dd#2 she would be several streets over in a flash!

Hopefully this makes sense, I can't hear myself think. dd is singing at the top of her voice at the moment.

Soooo what the heck do I do?
I have tried all kind sof things. The only thing that works is tell her I am leaving so she follows. argh. I guess i am stuck in the house until she is 5!?!

Well, I don't know you or your usual family life/rules, but I thought I'd reply with a couple of comments and suggestions. Our son is also 3, and he has strayed a few times. When he does, I catch him and tell him that he needs to hold my hand for the rest of the errand. There isn't much discussion about it at the time because I know it could provoke an outburst. I do tell him that we will talk more about his behavior when we get home. I stick to my promise to hold his hand for the rest of the errand, no matter what.

Once we're home, we sit down and talk about how scary it would be (for me and for him) if he were to get lost or hurt as a result of running away from me. I tell him that my job as his Mommy is to keep him safe, and that means that I need to make sure he stays close to me...and that if he decides not to, that I will hold his hand to keep him close to me. We've had this same conversation lots of times, and he understands what I've told him. Like I said, he's only walked away from me in a store once or twice, and because I stuck to my rule and explained it to him, he understands that it is a boundary for him.

I think that you really have two issues here...the fact that she runs away from you in public places, and the fact that she whines/demands things after you've told her no. The tantrums are going to happen at this age, but they should be lessening to some degree throughout the third year. I don't even respond to anything whiny or demanding from Sam. He knows that if he whines or speaks rudely to me, he will be ignored, so it benefits him to ask politely in a nice voice. Sometimes I need to remind him by saying something like, "I can only understand you if you speak to me in a nice voice."

Good luck. It sounds like you are really frustrated, and I hope you find some strategies that work for you.

Tara

mama.....
first off I think you need some ((hugs))
Secondly keep in mind it's really really late at night but I can't sleep so take whatever typos or insanity with the hurking grain of salt I'm about to hand you, okay?

I agree that you have two issues, the running away and the not respecting/listening to the 'no'.

I'm not sure what to do about running away, since thank goodness I don't have one of those yet. I have a feeling that if I ever did let go of my younger dd's hand she'd be gone. I'm not sure she knows she can walk around a store w/o a hand kwim? Most of the time she's sitting in the cart. She's also short and small (but closer to 2 than 3). So I'm almost with you on phases...
I've found giving my dds a choice to be the least problematic, something like 'do you want to hold my hand or daddys?' or 'do you want to ride in the cart or hold my hand?' etc kind of thing. Of course inevitably if I offer two dresses to my daughter she picks one she can see behind me in the closet, but I digress...

Apparently I was a horror for a while in stores. I don't remember it of course, but according to my mom for a while I got pretty tantrumy. She just left the store. It worked on me. Now with my little brother, the tantrum king, that was not always possible. We lived almost an hour away from the grocery store (almost an hour, one way, so really a loooong way). It wasn't possible to just turn around and come back after nap, or the next day. From what I'm remembering, my mom almost never shopped alone, she usually took me, sometimes my dad if he was around. I was about 9 or 10 when he was in this phase so I was old enough to push him around in the cart or something while mom went running up and down other isles getting things with another cart. I'm not sure this is feasible for you, but it's another option. I believe in having as many ideas as you can, so what works one day and doesn't the next, you're ready with 10 more ideas kwim?
Something that worked on screaming with my older daughter, though to this day I'll never understand why it did work. I just told her 'Charlie, the car is too small to hold that noise' or whatever. It worked every time. :eek:
((hugs)) and good luck mama, pm me if you want some sympathy or more ideas okay?
jessica

I can *so* relate!
Dd#1 was such a sweet little thing--we discussed appropriate behavior, natural consequences, etc--and she was so well behaved!
Dd#2, however, operates under a whole different set of "rules". She has *many* of the same behaviors as your dd, and will be 3 next month. I don't have any surefire ways to curb her tantrums, etc, but here are a couple things that work for us *sometimes*. ;)

When Rio starts acting out when we're at a store, I try to redirect her immediately--before she throws herself on the floor/screaming/kicking/full-blown tantrum. Like, "Should we have corn or cauliflower for dinner?". Or, "Hey, are we out of bubble bath?". And if she's getting *really* close to throwing a tantrum, I'll start whistling, or singing a crazy song. Yes, other customers ocassionally look at me like I'm a singing and dancing fool, but they don't realize I'm saving them from glass-breaking shrieking. lol And yes, I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I can distract her before we get to the T-Zone (tantrum).

For full blown tantrums, I'll usually pull my song & dance act out of my hat, too. ROFL! Honestly, it usually works. And even if it doesn't, it helps me keep my sense of humor about the situation. HA! Seriously, if it doesn't work, I let her know we're going to leave the store and not come back until she feels like she can calm down. If she continues to throw her tantrum, we leave. When she calms down, we hug lots, talk about it, then try it again. And sometimes, again. And again...:D

She also does the running off thing. When she does it, I'll go get her once. I tell her if she can't stay with me, she has to ride in the cart. If she runs off again, she gets put in the cart with her seatbelt on. She usually tries to scream her way out of it, but after she doesn't get attention for it, will calm down and be just fine. I try to keep her busy by giving her things to put in the cart for me, etc.

Of course, none of these things work every time. And it is frustrating. I'd *love* to hear more ideas, too!
Just remember--this will pass!!! :D

I could have written that post. My ds also sings at the top of his lungs when I'm on the phone (which is rarely).

Where in the dirty south are you? I'm in Louisiana.

Oh mama, hugs for you. I know this may not be helpful, but I thought I would throw out anyway, You never know. I just read somewhere (of course I can't remember where) that sometimes a child's behavior is greatly affected by food allergies. Gosh I wish I could remember where I read this. But you may want to investigate this. The descriptions of the children's behaviour they were giving was very similar to what you described. By adjusting their diets around their food allergies, their behavior greatly improved. Maybe it was mothering magazine, online. Anyway there are organizations devoted to helping families figure out the allergies and adjust the diets. Try running a search, maybe under ADHD and natural solutions. Mama if I can remember I'll let you know. Sorry I wasn't able to be more helpful. Good luck.

Deb

You doubtless already know that, to discourage the tantrums, it is very, very, very important to make sure that she never gets her way after screaming or throwing a fit because that just reinforces the unacceptable behavior.

When my girls were young and I took them shopping, they could ask for something once and they might or might not get it, but if they whined and begged the answer was always an automatic "no" even when it was something I had been planning to buy.

Oh and in your current situation, I would have the child wear a harness every time we went out--until she'd demonstrated enough maturity to be trusted out without it. After all, part of our job as parents is to help our children develop self-control.

HUGS to you, mama, I am sure you will find a way to get through this.