Ladies, I'm in a quandry. There are these two boys in our neighborhood that have chosen my son to be their whipping boy. They pick on him unmercifully. He has started standing up to their bullying and it really feels like this whole thing is about to come to a head.

I am soooooooooo tired of keep my 8 yr old son inside in order to avoid prolems with these awful children. He loves to ride his bike and roller blade but when he does there is always a problem. ALWAYS.

We have tried to talk with the parents and all I can say is it's no wonder these kids are such beasts. I told my dh that I feel just awful to have this much distain for children. They were picking on my kid again this evening and I had to have dh take care of it. I was afraid of what I might say. I did end up screaming at them from across the street asking them why they can't get along with other people and how nice things were here while they were gone for three days. I know I shouldn't have done this but I am soooo upset. I feel like I'm about to throw up right now.

Has anyone had this type of experience before? How were you able to deal with it successfully? I feel like telling my kid to punch his lights out. Fight fire with fire but I don't want to teach my kid to solve problems with violence. We have tried having him ignore them but things are getting worse. Now that he's standing up to them they are backing off a bit but when there is a problem it's really bad. I'm afraid that my son's going to get so angry and beat the heck out of them. Secretly a part of me is want him to. How much should one child have to endure. We have been praying that this family move away. This would be bliss on this street if they did.

If you are still with me, thank you. I just needed to talk this out.

We've been going through this same thing here. The neighborhood girls don't like my older daughter for some reason. She's five, and just wants to please-she's a bit overweight, and I can't do anything with her hair really, and she rides her brother's old bike. I'd get her another if I could.. Anyway, the rest of these girls (about 6 of them) are right about the same age, and so dainty- dressed in pink and cute hair-do's. My poor baby always runs to them to play, and they shoo her away and make her cry. But she always goes back.
My dh was mowing the lawn this morning and talked to one of the mothers outside. She swore that she had no idea this was happening and that she remembers how cruel little girls can be, and that she will nip this in the bud with her daughters right away. Well, this afternoon, her daughters were all honey to my daughter. Full of hugs and smiles. We'll see how long it lasts, but at least my dd's self esteem won't suffer anymore for a while.
My whole childhood-pretty much up until senior year, I was a social outcast. I know how painful it is. Hugs to your son, I hope the situation straightens out.

Thanks for the reply, Jenifer.

After my lengthy post I pulled out an issue of Mothering that talked about bullying. After reading the article and a long bubble bath I was feeling better. My son *seems* so not bothered by it. Honestly, I can't tell if he is or isn't. He lets lots just roll off his back. I, on the other hand, do not.

I am determined to teach my son the skills to deal with bullys as it doesn't get much better in adulthood. Ever work with a bunch of women? ;-)

I don't know if my bully was as bad as these seem to be, but I invited the kid to come into our house to hang out. I also told him he could play in our yard. While he was inside I explained the rules of my house to everyone. I didn;t accuse anyone and I included my children in the lecture. I didn't single anyone out. When they were outside in the yard, I was out there gardening or something, butting in if it sounded nasty. "That's no way fro friends to talk to each other" etc. If they played in the larger side yard, I was in my room, with the window open, and with them not acutally knowing I was listening. When a fight started , I walked out like I was going to water the side yard and offerred drinks. "You are all sounding really crabby and you're all giving me a headache" If it continued after that, I went out and told them straight-- "You're all fighting and I can't have that here. My kids come in, you go home. I told you that you have to be respectful of each other here. Everybody needs to feel safe here". IME, most kids appreciate a safe place--even the brats.

I still do that if it gets really heated. I don't bother if they are arguing over kickball- kids do that. I only butt in if it looks nasty. Butting in doesn't mean I yell at everyone and tell them how nasty they are, I mostly sat stuff like, "Guys, I've got my eye on you all and nobody better get hurt here" I try to keep it light. I have found that if I am honest and not too hysterical they listen ok. It must be working, because after 8 years here, most of the kids play basketball in front of our driveway, and every other house has one of those freestanding basketball hoops. I also tell my kids that if things are not feeling comfortable, just say you're hungry and come home. Kids need to know they can walk away and still save face.

I was always sure to not hold a grudge if I had to put a stop to something. I would call all the kids and give them all a drink and a snack etc. the next day when they were around again.

I don't know if this would work with the boy bullies you're talking about, but it might work with the girls. Make cookies with them (or bring a snack outside on the porch), get personal, ask casual questions about what they all like and find commonalties. Make your place a safe haven for everyone. Talk about being kind and talk about respect. Even pink, perfect, perky girls have insecurities. Become the haven in that mean world. It means feeding kids a lot of cookies and ice water, but it can help with everyone's quality of life. Admittedly, I don't know if the bullies you're talking about are crack heads with parents who will run a car into your house, so take my experiences with whatever grain of salt ya need .

Laurie

Originally posted by Laurie
I invited the kid to come into our house to hang out.

I think this is a key here. Bullies are usually bullies because they lack the love and attention they need thus any attention is good attention to them. It makes them seem powerful. I feel sorry kids like this. So when we are outside as a family we start kickball games in the street and get everyone involved. We serve snacks, drinks, whatever. We become and example to them and offer them cool things to do.

I also don't think keeping your kids inside or sheltering them from those kids is a bad thing. My philosophy is: bad associations spoil useful habits. My girls have their own friends through our Homeschool Group and through my religious affiliation. They do not need to play with neighborhood kids. It is like being an adult on a mini scale. My best friends are not my next door neighbors, nor do they live on my street. They live elsewhere and that is fine. So in the same context, my kids don't have to be chummy with the kids on our block that do not share their goals and values.

We have a fenced in backyard and that is mostly where my girls play. When they rollerblade, ride their bikes, we do it as a family. I shelter my girls to a certain degree and it does not bother me. It makes them who they are.

Laurie,

Thank you for your post.

ITA about sheltering. I believe that it's our responsiblity to protect them until they reach a level of development in which they are capable of dealing with certain experiences.

We are way past the *inviting them over* phase. There is no way I want those kids in my house. I'm sorry, but I have a grudge. I need to work on it and I will. I do feel sorry for these boys. I know their homelife is not what we consider "healthy" for children.

I have reserved some book at the library on bullying. I want my son to have the coping skills to deal with this sort of thing for now and in the future.

Today there was a positive experience in which I am happy to report. Kyle was playing with one of the nasty kids and another neighbor boy. They played well together and that was positive. I have no desire to make my kid be their friend but I would like them to be able to be around each other in a group and not be mean. KWIM?

Originally posted by Laurie
Admittedly, I don't know if the bullies you're talking about are crack heads with parents who will run a car into your house, so take my experiences with whatever grain of salt ya need .

Laurie

No they are not that bad. I guess it could be worse, right?

We had a positive experience today with one of the boys. That was good.

I really liked the suggestions you gave. I think I will start putting snacks and drinks out for the kids when they play. I have a 3 yr old who desperately tries to keep up with the bigger kids. He's not allowed out front without constant supervision. So being out with him allows me to keep a watchful eye on the others.

I am sorry you are goint through this. I have been a Mom for over 10 yrs, so I have been a bit around the block (haven't done the entire teen years yet...) I hope what I said can help. One thing...I always served the snack...some kids get weird about food....

Laurie

I totally understand you not wanting the children in your house. I still don't like the kid I mentioned. I still wish he would move away. I can tolerate him now and he does not bully my kids. In fact, he is very protective to my youngest children, and is very good about his mouth when he is playing near where they are. I guess he knows where I stand. I figure I live in this neighborhood and I want it to be pleasant, and I don't want to worry about my kids running into him in the neighborhood. I've basically formed an alliance that serves my purposes. It's hard. I hope you can come to some sort of a truce with these kids. Sounds like your son is a very smart kid.

Laurie

Originally posted by Laurie
I've basically formed an alliance that serves my purposes. It's hard. I hope you can come to some sort of a truce with these kids. Sounds like your son is a very smart kid.

Laurie

This is my goal. I just want a truce.

Thanks for all of your support. Sometimes it helps just to know that I'm not alone and others have had to deal with the same situation.

Just chiming in here to say I feel for you. I've btdt and it wasn't good. It ended poorly, with nastiness on both sides, the bully had terrible role models, and it ended with the dad calling me a f#$%ing b$#ch, while with all of our kids in the yard, dh coming and informing him and his children were to have no contact with anyone in our family, and him threatening to call the cops on us ... unfortunately for him, my dh is a cop. Snicker snicker...
But it was sad, because from that point on it was almost impossible for Devin to leave our yard, and there were nice kids right next to the bully's house, but he could no longer play with them. Fortunately for us, they lost thier house and were forced to move out of the neighborhood. Now Devin is allowed to play wherever he wants. But, had I to do all over again, I would have definitely kept my cool, and possibly brought a more neutral police officer into it. That might have ended things much better. It's just hard to keep cool when someone twice your kids size is pounding him into the concrete...repeatedly.

Bullies are usually bullies because they lack the love and attention they need thus any attention is good attention to them. It makes them seem powerful. Th is is very well said

we've dealt with bullies for several years now, not in the neighborhood but at school. Chels started 8th grade this year. She made a friend the first day, a girl new to the school. they hung out a few days before one of the bullies from last year (and the year before) snagged the girl and told her not to hang out with Chels. This girl, Lacey, yelled out in front of a group of kids "Candy doesn't want to hang with you anymore Chelsey, she doesn't want to ruin her reputation". Lacey you see is very popular and Chelsey is not considered popular.

after some discussion with dh and I, Chelsey talked to Candy the next day and just told her that if beign popular was more important to her then having real friends, then what a shame for her. But that if she ever decided that the popular kids were just a bunch of bullies, that she could call or come over and find out what real friends were all about.

anyway, i guess my point is that there are bullies everywhere... kids and yep, even grownups too. You really can't change them, and you can't fight them or you're just stooping to their level. In my opinion the best thing to do is to remember, and to teach your kids, that bullies are indeed missing somethign in their own lives that make them behave the way they do. We should feel badly for them, pray for them (if ya pray). We try to help them, invite them in..but if its too far past that then so be it. Just have your kid stay away and hope that something happens to change the situation in your favor.

Its a shame that your neighborhood has become unsafe for your kiddo - but maybe its time to involve him in an activity with a new group of kids outside of the neighborhood till things c hange?