Alternative LearningAre you a homeschooling mama? or maybe you unschool... or maybe you are interested in another alternative learning style? or maybe you don't have any idea what i am referring to?? this forum might just be for you! share your thoughts and ideas
If you read my post a couple of days ago, you know I am thinking about having Austin go to the local school this year. My biggest reason is that I am sick and tired of fighting over everything with him. This isn't anything new, and I feel like i have tried just about everything. I am not an overly structured person... which actually may be part of the problem. He knows if he puts up enough of a fight, I will eventually cave. Even over little things.
I have put a LOT of thought into curriculum choices, and I think I have made choices tghat are good for ds. However, the simplest of tasks that he is asked to do are met with complete breakdowns. He is fine with letting me read to him, which is a big reason I chose Sonlight. He is reading the books, listening to me read the books, etc. However, when we sit down and do math (all 4 kids together, because otherwise there were 10 messes and 5000 interruptions), then I get the attitude. BIG attitude. As in, screaming and yelling and telling me "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME" as if I were beating him... when all I was asking was to sit WITH ME THERE and concntrate for a few minutes to try to complete a math lesson. Same goes for anythign where he has to do something without my DIRECT involvement.
Also... this attitude goes to other aspects of our family. He does this, I get frustrated and worn down. I loose my temper so easily with him because of it... and it really is effecting the rest of our family. This isn't anything new, either, so I can't say that it's because dh is not here.
When I search my soul... I don't want to send Austin to school. I know I can provide a better education academically here at home. No doubt in my mind. I also want to enjoy him... and all my kids. However... wit hte way things are right now I am not enjoying him - and neither are the other kids. They were glad he went to camp because he is always instigating trouble. He is getting more and more aggressive and flipping out as if someone were beating him. He actully said to me last week to not beat him anymore. ummm... #1 - he has never been beaten and he knows it (this is laughable, honestly, if you knew me well) #2 I was TALKING to him, not even with a raised voice. Overly dramatic to say the least.
So, I guess what I need is some discipline help. I don't have this frustration with the other kids. Of course, they respond to the discipline that I use (separation from the others, redirection, realistic consequences).
I bought a roll of tickets at Office Max the other day. I was thinking I could use them to reward good ehaviour. Heck, he JUST threw marbles at Nate because Nate said something to him... not even mean! ARGH!
He is using inttimidation, too... puffing up at people. I remember my brotehr doing this around 8-10 years old, too. So is some of it just typical (although not acceptable) boy behaviour?
I need some ideas. I feel like I have used everythign in my parenting toolbox already - and now I am at the endof my rope.
I so want to be the relaxed, fun, happy homeschooling mom - but I am not. And it's SOLELY because of my interactions with my oldest. It makes me terribly sad that I even feel this way. Because I so do NOT want to feel like this about any of my children. And I want my children to all be happy to be with one another (most of the time). We move around so much... I feel it is that much more important that our family knows it can count on each other and feel safe with each other. But right now... we don't feel safe. The fighting starts and the boys get physical (which I know is partly typical) but I am tired of breaking up fights and tired of seeing my kids get hurt by each other. I don't think it's healthy at all.
Anyway... like I said, I got some tickets. Not sure what to do with them. I know I want them to be used for everything... computer time, tv time, movies, skating, date with mom, etc.
I am just at witt's end.
(thank goodness I ahve a babysitter coming today and I am going for a stress relief facial... .ahhhhhh... much needed relaxation)
Heather, I haven't read your other post but saw this one. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. Zachary fights with me about stuff and I've found when I'm more conistent it does help. I don't think we are having as rough of a time as you guys are having. Part of me wants to tell you to put him in school b/c it will help you and your family. The other part of me understands your wanting to keep him home and those thoughts. I'm not much help (LOL) I did want to let you know that I'm reading a book right now that might help. It's called Your defiant child : 8 steps to better behavior / Russell A. Barkley, Christine M. Benton. It's a really good book and the 8 steps really sound like they might work for you. Some of the suggestions are like you mentioned rewarding the behavior but it's on a scale that i hadn't thought of. If he works on math for 5 minutes without complaining then you reward him right away and again in another 5 minutes. A lot of the book has questions and things to help you decide if you child has the defiance disorder, can't think of the exact name. I answered many positives and was stressing things that maybe ds had it but dh thinks not b/c he does well for others and just not me Back to consistency for me I guess. Good luck Heather, I'm thinking of you!
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Teresa
Homeschooling Mom to Zachary, 9, Brianna, 6, and baby Issac, 1
Another book that comes to mind is Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach ... it's a whole behavioral management system, including a reward system (which is why I thought of it, when you mentioned the tickets). It really gave me some insight to *why* I had the dynamic I did with my oldest. There are some pretty thorough consumer reviews on Amazon. And I swear I didn't post this response just to be spammy, but I have a copy I'd be willing to let go of, if you're interested -- just let me know.
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Christine
mama to Ethan (8) and Noah (3
Oh Heather I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I'm amazed at how much grief an 8 year old boy can generate in my life LOL, I'm sure you re too. Did you read my post, to your post about neurodevelpomental programs? Your Austin sounds so much like my Bryce, that I *really* wonder if it would help him. I c&p'd the "How we Help" section from http://www.help-with-learning.com/ which is Bryce's neurodevelopmentalist. Bryce is making huge strides in school and in maturity. He's a different boy than he was a few months ago.
The children who come to us.
Many children come to us with problems related to learning, attention, or hyperactivity. These children usually have several of the following symptoms: Short attention span, difficulty following directions, visual or auditory distractibility, hyperactivity or hypoactivity. When they attempt to learn to read they may struggle with phonics, forget sight words easily, reverse letters, or have difficulty moving from word to word without losing their place. If they can read they may have difficulty understanding what they have read. Spelling is often challenging. In math they may easily forget the “facts”, forget how to do computation, and struggle with word problems, math logic and concepts. Their speech may be difficult to understand. They may have sloppy handwriting or difficulty learning to print or to write, possibly forgetting how to make their letters. In addition they may appear to be uncoordinated.
Some children come to us with additional struggles. Many are pre schoolers or children in special classes or therapy programs. They have tactile or sensory dysfunction which may appear as bedwetting, inability to feel pressure or pain appropriately, extreme ticklishness, irritation from clothing, inability to distinguish temperatures, inability to tolerate hats, hair combing or hair washing. They may be extremely picky eaters, eating only a narrow variety of foods. They may have flat tonality in the voice, hypersensitivity to sound, undeveloped depth perception, difficulty making or maintaining eye contact. Their eyes may not track well and their eyes may turn in or wander. Behaviorally they may have good and bad days, cyclic behavior, extreme hyperactivity, rigid attitudes, and aggressive or destructive behavior. For some speech and language may be absent, limited, or very difficult. Some of these children find holding a pencil to be very unpleasant and difficult to manage, pencils may break from too much pressure, in other cases writing may be too light. Some of the children have difficulty moving their bodies, learning to crawl, creep, walk, run, jump, hop, or skip.
Depending on their symptoms, these children may have a professional diagnosis such as learning disabled, minimal brain dysfunction, dyslexic, attention deficit disorder (ADD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or simply slow learner. Some are said to have an auditory or visual processing disorder or a problem with short or long term memory. Children with more severe difficulties may be diagnosed as brain injured, PDD, ASD, autistic, developmentally delayed, MMR, CAPD. Some are “labeled” with a language disorder or sensory dysfunction. Some are diagnosed with Down Syndrome, or other chromosome disorders.
”Labels”
Neurodevelopmentalists often call these diagnoses “labels” because they “label” the child with limited expectations as to what a person with that particular diagnosis can accomplish. These expectations may be based on old information or on worst-case situations. Professionals often make predictions based on outcomes that typically occur when effective therapy has not been applied. Sadly, these symptomatic “labels” can mislead parents and educators into limited expectations for their child or student.
It is important to remember that most diagnoses are symptomatic, based on the symptoms the professional person observes in the child. Symptoms are not static. With proper neurodevelopmental treatment even stubborn seemingly impossible symptoms can improve or be eliminated.
Organizing the Brain
Neurodevelopmentalists look at the symptoms an individual is exhibiting and relate them to how the brain and the rest of the nervous system are organized. If a child is having a problem with walking, talking, attention, or learning there is a reason for that problem. Neurodevelopmentalists believe the underlying problem is a disorganized nervous system.
Neurodevelopmentalists believe that the brain and nervous system can become more organized, eliminating the original symptoms and helping the individual move on to a greater possibilities. This belief is based on the built in redundancy and plasticity of the brain. The brain is able to use several areas for each function, redundancy. When an area of the brain has been injured it is possible that other areas of the brain can take over the function of the injured area, plasticity.
Neurodevelopmentalists believe that function determines structure. For example, as stimulation is applied with optimum intensity, frequency, and duration, changes occur in the brain of the child receiving that stimulation. Physical connections and pathways for information processing actually develop which enable the brain to be better organized. As the brain becomes more organized due to plasticity, structure and chemistry also change. Children who have had symptoms such as hyperactivity, due to dysfunctional brain chemistry, may experience a reduction of those symptoms as brain chemistry changes.
The Neurodevelopmental Approach
Since the 1930s, neurodevelopmentalists have studied the brain and nervous system along with correlations between areas of development and the levels of the brain. This work has been summarized on a visual tool called the neurodevelopmental profile. Using this profile, plan the necessary progression of developmental steps an individual needs to move to higher levels of development, and to greater brain organization.
To make organizational changes in the brain direct intervention is needed. This is accomplished by a neurodevelopmental plan that recommends a specific program of activities to be implemented at home by the child’s family.
The neurodevelopmental approach gathers information from the parents and the child’s evaluation to determine specific areas of inefficiency, the underlying causes of the symptoms the child exhibits. These observations are recorded on the profile, and a complete neurodevelopmental plan is determined for the child. The plan consists of recommended activities designed to address the inefficiencies specifically.
Neurodevelopmentalists have gathered activities eclectically from many other disciplines including, but not limited to, speech therapy, occupational therapy, vision therapy, physical therapy, biochemistry, sound therapy, psychology and education. Through many years of observation, research and refinement of the activities, optimally effective neurodevelopmental activities have been developed.
Neurodevelopmental practice has established the optimum frequency, intensity and duration for these activities. These refined activities are able to give the brain the effective stimulation it needs to make the changes that are necessary to move the child to the next higher level of the neurodevelopmental profile.
The Results
When a home program of neurodevelopmental activities is carried out with sufficient consistency, intensity, frequency and duration much progress can be made. In fact, many of the symptoms the child originally displayed may be totally eliminated.
Some of the results we see include, but are not limited to: Non readers learning to read, distractibility changing to focus, sensory dysfunction becoming more typical, social behavior improving, painfully hypersensitive hearing changing to normal hearing, formerly picky eaters eating a variety of foods, phobias being overcome, emotionally and over sensitivity becoming typical, bedwetting eliminated, children able to retain math facts and do computation, improved reading comprehension, improved coordination, non writers learning to write, letter and number recognition becoming possible, children learning to walk and run, and those without language learning to speak.
Kelly's thread also reminded me of other things we've done to help Ethan. Although our challenges don't sound *exactly* like what you're going through w/ your DS, I know that when I was searching, I was desperate for ideas, so I'll go ahead and throw them out there.
We've treated E. for food allergies using NAET (a totally non-invasive accupressure technique, the same technique that we used to "cure" my youngest's "colic".)
I've also been doing some sensory integration therapy (mainly brusing and joint compression) to help with Ethan's sensory issues. It really seemes to have helped, and since I've slacked off, I've notices more issues with "lumpy socks" and "scratchy underwear" and "funny feeling shoes", etc. etc. These kinds of complaints start to surface when I need to recommit myself to another round of brushing treatments.
There should be resources online to find out more about these things. Many chiros or accupucturists to NAET, and any OT or PT can tell you about SID treatment, if those things resonate with you as something worth looking into.
Kids are born with temperments which we are surprised by and challenged by and throw us for a loop!
Sometimes we magnify the temperments negatives because we haven't found the right approach.
Sending him to school might help you get a handle on it all.
My oldest was totally not able to let me be his school teacher til he was older. By the time I tried it again with him.....he was mature enough to appreciate our learning relationship and thrived on it.
Hopefully you will get to try again with your child and he will be more co operative and less combative!
This may be off base, but would he feel alienated if you sent him to school and kept the others home with you? Or would he feel like he got to do something special that the others didn't? That would be my main concern.
Was this going on before your dh left? Or is some of it a stress reaction?
Just trying to get a better feel for what he is going through.
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Allison
mama to Ara, Simone, and Zarin
Kelly, I did read that information, and it's good. I have it bookmarked to read more. Thanks so much! And yes, it is amazing how much an 8 year old can effect our whole outlook! lol
We have a son who has sensory integration disorder, so I do use a lot of sensory activities throughout the day and Austin takes part in them, too.
Allison, he's been doing this for 2 years now - at least - but it's getting worse. I think worse because 1) he's getting older 2) he feels that he is the 'man' of the house now. We have done everythign to make him know that we expect him to be a 9 year old boy, and not the man of the house... but he is taking on parts of it (like the disciplinarian). I know that his Dad being gone is effecting it... but I also know that it's effectng my take on it, too. Since dh is not here, I don't have that otehr adult to take some of the frustration. kwim? DH did a LTO for us - he always gave me 'time off' and let me have the time to cool off if I needed it. He would sit and read with the boys, he would play ball with them, he would take them to the grocery store.... but now it's all on me, and I do need a break.
Saturday I left the kids with a babysitter at noon. I didn't get home until 9 that night. My mom and I went to a day spa - she got her hair done and I got a facial. Then we went to a nice dinner and shopping. I desperately needed that time away from the kids - and they LOVE the babysitter we have.
The more I think about it... the more I know deep down that I don't want him to go to school. For our family, we really need to get back to feeling safe with each other - emotionally and physically. Because we move around so much, I think it's that much more important for us... friends come and go, but we will always have each other.
Oh, Allison, I don't think he would look at it as in I wanted him to be away from us... he would think it was fun to go to school because he is the oldest, etc. I did worry about that, too. I also talked to him about it - and my concerns and my reasons. he knows his attitude has not been the greatest. He came home from a week of camp and had told me that he was changing his attitdue. He did really well for a week.
What really set me off last week was that he was flipping out on Lauren for being in his bedroom. All he had to do was come and tell me she was in his room and he'd like it if she wasn't in there. I would have gotten her out. However, he decided to scream at her and then drag her out... by her broken arm - pulling her by her cast. He really hurt her arm. I am tired fo them hurting each other.
I bought a book this weekend. I had wanted to buy it a couple of years ago, but decided I could do it myself. Well... I loved Mary Sheedy Jurchinka's book about raising a spirited child... so I got her one on power struggles. I am thinking it will help me out - give me some perspective.
I'm also getting my babysitter to come a couple of times a week. One day while I am here (to get my cleaning done) and then an evening so I can just leave and go somewhere without any kids. I am really lucky to have found this girl. She does very well, loves the kids and they love her to death. She even wrote Austin a note and sent it to him while he was at camp. Then Lauren got a postcard from her after she broke her arm.
I'm glad you have a more positive outlook than a day or two ago. It's amazing what a few hours to ourself can do!!! I was going to suggest having a sitter come more frequently. I think it's a super idea, to give you and the kids a break from each other.
One thing I've learned is that boys (and men) really thrive at having a check-off lists. My dh will do anything as long as a put it on a list for him. This gives the male a feeling of accomplishment, "Hey! Look what I did!".
I'm wondering if this would work with your son? I have heard of moms making paper copies and included a before lunch and an after lunch schedule for the child to self direct. I have also heard of a mom writing with permanant marker on a white board and the child checks off with a dry-erase marker.
You may even want to cut back on what he is doing until the two of you get in more of a routine - just do the basics for a couple of months (grammar and math). Once he gets use to doing that add in something else to his chart.
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Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be.
- David Bly
Heather, I've been trying to find the time to sit down and write to you. I need to write a novel about our situation, but I won't. I have similar issues with our son Reid, who will be 10 next month. I feel like our situation is so unique that no one else could possibly relate to it or want to hear about it, so I don't write about it. Parenting Reid is difficult at times. Homeschooling him is such a struggle. He was a special needs adoption, very ill as a young baby. He is such a great kid, but did/would not do well in a traditional classroom. I know homeschooling is the best for him, but sometimes it exhausts me completely.
Reid has a very difficult time when his father is away. Chris isn't deployed like your husband, but he travels a lot. Reid has the hardest time with it. When he was a toddler, he was actually diagnosed with separation anxiety. He was 17 months old when we went to Calcutta for him, so old enough to have some vague memories that one day his life changed completely. A week after we came home, Chris left for 6 wks. The next time Chris left, several months later, Reid became so listless and unresponsive that I thought he was having another malaria relapse (he'd already had one). Nope, he was missing Chris and he just stuck to me like velcro, wouldn't move. Now his behavior is just awful when Chris is gone. After many years of this, we've come to believe that he is testing me. I am the only one in his entire life who has never left him. I believe he behaves the way he does when Chris is gone to test me, to see if I will leave, too. Understanding that helps us deal with it, but honestly it doesn't make it any easier. Plus, we have no family here so when Chris is gone, it's all me, all the time.
I'm so happy to read that you were able to get away for a little while. That makes all the difference in the world. I admire so much how you are handling this deployment, but I know that you are under tremendous stress - just the knowledge that you are the only parent to handle anything that comes along is just so very hard. Having Daddy gone is so hard on the children, too. I've watched it in the 12 years I've been a mom, with the 5 of ours. Each handles it differently, but it affects each one of them.
If you do decide to keep Austin home, please feel free to talk with me - it would help me so much, too. Sometimes just talking about what I've been through with Reid in a day helps me put it away so I can begin again.
FWIW, our son Chase isn't in school because of difficulties at home. He's there because he's the most independent of the bunch. He is very successful at school and very happy there. He's accelerated, which he needs, he'll be taking Algebra I for high school credit next year at the age of 11. He also gets along well with teachers and has a really nice peer group. He's basically a geek - math team, science fair grand champion, trumpet player in the band - you get the picture. It would be much easier to put Reid in school and not Chase, but I know the benefits of having Reid at home are great. It has helped our relationship immensely and I know having him in our test-driven local school would be a nightmare.
Anyway, I apologize for making this all about us, but I wanted you to know that I understand some of what you're going through. Being a military wife is SO HARD! The hardest thing I've ever done. If Chris weren't such a wonderful husband and father, I don't think I could do it.
Heather,
I mentioned Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach in your last thread. While I think Mary Sheedy....'s book is a good one, I am finding that NONE of the traditional parenting books have fit our needs, and what you're experiencing sounds Oh, so, familiar.
I have found Transforming the Difficult Child and The Explosive Child to be the two books that really have helped the most for me to better understand my oldest. I know you already do a lot with diet (at least I think it's you???) and OT stuff. We have recently decided that we think that eliminating dairy may help with DS's intensity level. He seemed to be chilling out a bit (there were still issues, but, chilling nonetheless), and we reintroduced, and the NEXT DAY, the intensity was back and has only increased as we have continued to eat it (I told him when we ran out, we weren't buying more.
I understand that urge to keep him home; that's why I've decided to homeschool. I feel like we need to work together and be connected and help him through his struggles. (It sounds much nicer than it is for the moment, I'm sure you understand).
I wish you the best of luck!
__________________ Jody
Mama to two boys (5-10-98 and 6-01-01), and two girls (11-18-03 and 1-11-07)
I am so glad that you are finding clarity about your situation.
As I was reading the replies above, I wanted to add...do you use/know about homeopathy? I can write more, but it is a system of medicine that seeks a perfect match remedy for each individual. The remedies are non-toxic and have been a lifesaver for us with my daughter when she was having behavior problems. Not a cure-all -- but miraculous and dramatic improvements. I suggest Robert Ullman's books, esp. Ritalin-Free Kids -- which is not just about ADD and which your library is likely to have.
Also, while I have heard great things about them, I did not find that Transforming the Difficult Child or The Explosive Child Books helpful. How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So your Kids Will Talk is much more readable and was most useful for me.
Military wife of a deployed soldier. 
Back to consistency for me I guess. Good luck Heather, I'm thinking of you!
I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I'm amazed at how much grief an 8 year old boy can generate in my life LOL, I'm sure you re too. Did you read my post, to your post about neurodevelpomental programs? Your Austin sounds so much like my Bryce, that I *really* wonder if it would help him. I c&p'd the "How we Help" section from 
My mom and I went to a day spa - she got her hair done and I got a facial. Then we went to a nice dinner and shopping. I desperately needed that time away from the kids - and they LOVE the babysitter we have. 
Understanding that helps us deal with it, but honestly it doesn't make it any easier. Plus, we have no family here so when Chris is gone, it's all me, all the time.
It would be much easier to put Reid in school and not Chase, but I know the benefits of having Reid at home are great. It has helped our relationship immensely and I know having him in our test-driven local school would be a nightmare.
Jody
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