amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

morettina · 01-07-2007, 11:59 PM

I desperately need help with my daughter, who will be 9 in about a month. A year ago, this girl was proud to help out with her chores. Basically, what she's supposed to do is: Set and clean off the table, take out trash on trash days, keep her room straightened up, empty the dishwasher, and take dirty laundry to the basement. A year ago, she not only did all these things willingly, but she would sort the laundry and start a load of wash! She was so proud that she would tell her friends that she knew how to run the washing machine. She would also help fold laundry.

Over the last 6 months or so, it's gotten to the point that I have to beg, remind what seems like a million times, and often times end up yelling at her just to get the basic things done.

Her room - forget it. You haven't even been able to walk in there for months. There is just barely enough room to walk from the door to the bed. I have tried everything I can think of, including offering to help her in there, but nothing is working. She's been restricted from playing with her friends. She's been restricted from watching TV or the computer. She only received one small gift at Christmas along with a letter from Santa that told her that since she couldn't take care of what she already has, he didn't think she should receive any more stuff. It didn't seem to phase her.

Every time I walk into her room, I just want to explode. I see her clothes on the floor, papers everywhere, books, everything, just being stepped on and treated badly. The only thing she doesn't keep on that floor is her dolls.

Right before Christmas, she had actually made progress, and it looked like she needed only 1 more good day's work to get it in order, and now it's back to looking as bad as it was before the holidays.

I admit that as a family, we tend to be packrats, but my husband and I are working really hard to de-clutter, and our room does not look like hers! Our main living areas are kept neat and clean.

I am tired of being an angry, frustrated Mom, but have totally run out of ideas. I know that if I could get her out of the house for a weekend, I could get her room totally picked up, but I'm not sure what message that sends her. That her mother will clean up for her? She keeps telling me that she hates the mess, and that once she cleans it up, she won't ever let it get this bad again, but somehow, she's not moving forward. She does have a place for everything in her room, so it's not as though there isn't room.

For what it's worth, we are homeschoolers, and mostly unschool, so she has plenty of time to work on it. She is also an only child, and I'm already starting to see signs of preteen behavior creeping in, with eye-rolling, and door slamming going on. We actually took her door off the hinges about a month ago because she'd slammed it just once too many times.

I know this is long, but I'm at my wit's end and would love hear any ideas, or suggestions that anyone might have.

Thanks!
Marie

ScatteredCuriosities · 01-08-2007, 12:29 AM

Sounds like my girls and they are only 7!

They do basic things around the house.....pick up all toys at the end of the day, put dirty laundry in the laundry room, put dirty dishes in the sink, etc.

Their rooms are atrocious also because my MIL bombards them with gifts for every holiday (even St. Patty's Day!). When I say bombard, I mean like 5-6 giant (like the 3 foot tall) gift bags full of CRAP. They are total packrats too.
Anyway.....sorry for the rant.....

I used to declutter their rooms when they were away from the house, but they would get upset to find some things missing.
The last declutter time, I asked if they wanted me to do it or if they wanted to do it.
They both wanted me to do it. It is WAY too overwhelming for them. I mean, how could it not be? It was very overwhelming for me too!

I told them that if I did it, they couldn't complain about what was gone. They agreed, but they did make small requests, like "don't get rid of any Peanuts stuff" & "don't get rid of neopets", etc. I respected those wishes.
They weren't allowed in their rooms while I was doing it, but if they did happen to see something that I was getting rid of and they really wanted to keep, I made them pick out 2 things to get rid of in place of it.

I donated tons of stuff! Their rooms are now cleaner and easier to KEEP clean. Now they can do it themselves (until the next holiday

).
I was worried about doing it for them too, but then I see how overwhelming it can be to a kid.

Oh, and if they had said that they wanted to declutter their own rooms, I was going to give them 3-4 (maybe more) empty bags or boxes that they had to fill.

Hope that helps a little. Mine do the eye-rolling too. Drives me nuts! And if they slam a door, I make them re-shut it nicely. They don't slam doors anymore....well, until they are teenagers, I'm sure.

clane · 01-25-2007, 10:34 AM

My ds is 8 and his room is a disaster. He can keep it clean if I pick everything up as long as he is the only one in it. Once friends come to play, forget it. He gets overwhelmed trying to clean it again and just "shuts down" sitting among the mess staring at it all. The only options for getting all put away are doing it myself or a team approach (not easy with 2 little sisters around).

Kateg1 · 01-25-2007, 11:12 AM

My dd is 8 but is a patrack and has a hard time keeping her room clean, I was going crazy but some things we have started doing to help keep it up.

I have one day a week that we must clean the rooms and throw away all garbage , put away anything that was not put back.

I rearranged her room in a way that would suit her better, I actually did this as a surprise for her and she loves it and is trying to keep it neat, we added some shelves and packed up some stuff she can take out later

I usually give her her clothes to put away but every so often I'll do it, this way she gets a break and I can clean out the drawers etc.

We work together on the one Sat a month we gather stuff to donate, She just knows that on this Sat we donate things and we ask that they all do as well, she has done better and better and last week donated a grabage bag full ( I was very pleased but surprised as before it was always one item at a time)

On the big cleaning days I wil help, I just keep her moving and ask questions about certain things. On the 15 min timed sessions she does that herself.

Good luck, I never thought I could get her to keep her room clean but so far so good for us

singlemomto3 · 01-27-2007, 06:02 PM

The best idea may be to bag things up and put them in the garage or somewhere until she can manage a smaller amount of stuff. Then gradually go through it and add what you want back in there. My daughters room sounds just like yours, and we're moving, and some stuff is gonna end up boxed up for a kid-free garage sale. lol Good luck