amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

flamboozle · 01-12-2006, 10:19 PM

My son Eli is the youngest in his class. We have a lot of family pressure to hold him back and I am not quite sure what to do. DH feels strongly that we should leave him where he is, btw he was held back as a child (b-day 12/23). Overall the teachers are saying that he is doing well in school. Of course cynical me wonders what really goes on at school. They do say his age is evident in that he has a difficult time breaking into "the group" when the kids have free play. I wonder if part of it is just him being the eldest though. Of course, I still have a hard time breaking into "the group" when I attend social functions. For example, I observed the kids at recess, and my son ran over asking for help. Kid A brought a football from home and was playing with kids B & C. Eli wanted to play to but Kid A didn't want to include him. I told Eli that he should find something else to do since there are 16 other kids in the class, and I don't think it is fair to force kids to share. Anyways, WWYD? How to teach kids to join into groups effectively? Hold him back even though all his other skills are up to par, and he is big for his age?

mommy2maya · 01-12-2006, 10:25 PM

Maya is right in the middle with a January bday- not the oldest or youngest. She is still in preschool. I think the breaking into the group could also be just who he is, no matter if he's the oldest in the group or the youngest. I've heard a lot about boys being held back an extra year in starting kindergarten, for maturity reasons. I think it really is a personal decision- you know your child, and how they will do with it all, yk? Anyway, if he starts kindie and you don't think he's quite ready you can always pull him out & start the next year. I think in PA at least the age kids 'have' to start school by is 7, so really first grade- not sure of other states though.

flamboozle · 01-12-2006, 10:30 PM

He absolutely loves "school". He has tried a couple playgroups in the past and he just gets sick (ear infections, colds) when he isn't ready for something. He has told me a couple times that the other boys (2-3 kids) wouldn't let him play legos but this is during their free play and he could always just do something else. I am never quite sure what to tell him and I feel he is asking me for guidance.

pj and the bear · 01-12-2006, 11:24 PM

FWIW, A. would come home saying the same thing in "Kindergarten"

and he is one of the oldest (though his class wound up having 4-5 boys born in Jan. and Feb.). I think it's a guy thing!!! I just told him to find someone or something else to play with. Not everyone's going to want to play with "him" (A.) all the time or when he wants. He occassionally has trouble letting others play with him or his things/toys still, so I think it's a maturity-boys thing.

Now I get to hear him pick on one of our carpool kids since I seat 3 in the way back and only one in the middle. Unfortunately it's always the same kid that sits in the middle because he's the first one dropped off. Usually when that happens I butt in and make the person in the middle the co-captain of the van.

It puts them in their place.

Truthfully, unless he's showing signs of not keeping up skill-wise I'd let him progress into the next grade. It's only January and there is a good chunk of time until the end of the year. I wouldn't even think you'd need to make a decision until next Fall (maybe late summer). I'd probably find a camp with older kids (not the usual backyard camp full of 3-4 year olds, but one with 5 y/o's) to see how he does with an older group. My guess is he'll rise to the "challenge". He's an extremely bright kidlet so I wouldn't worry. Tell your IL's to "back off" (nicely) the topic until the end of the school year. I don't see why this is even a topic this early. Unless he is showing some behaviors/skill problems I'd say - LEAVE HIM ALONE!!! (p.s i was an elementary education and child psychology major in my past life. shhhh! don't tell anyone.) Love ya!!

mandalin · 01-13-2006, 08:21 AM

With a June birthday, Liam is going to fall right in the middle. I kind of wish he would be on the older end of things. That is where I was and it worked great.

Barb · 01-13-2006, 09:02 AM

Zoey was born August 31 and the deadline here for K is September 1st. She was begging to go to school so she went. She is the absolute youngest child in the class, and the entire grade actually. She's also, per the teacher, doing great - top in the class in terms of skills, listening/behavior etc.

MotherMoon · 01-13-2006, 04:22 PM

I think it really depends on the child. Both my girls are very bright. Samantha is the oldest as I held her back. She was in speech therapy and I did not want them teaching her to read while she was still trying to learn to talk. She is about in the middle academic wise in her class. She is not the biggest (despite being above average in size). I thought Beth would be one of the oldest as she has a Nov. birthday and the cut-off for class used to be Oct 1. Nope, she is one of the youngest, and it shows. I wish like everything I could have held her back. But, she did not attend school until 1st grade. I felt in unfair to hold her back then. It is too late unless they really really need it. Beth did not really really need it but she would definately fit in better with the grade down. She is by far the least mature in her class. Academically, she is in between. Reading and spelling excelling. Math, not so good. But, I think that has to do more with her hating memorization. They are working on times tables.

I am rambling. Samantha has benefitted greatly from being held back. We still have the option to move her up too since she is still listed in Pre-K. She could start 1st next year and skip K. But, we are not doing that. Beth would have benefitted from being held back had we done it.

I was always the youngest (and smallest as I am tiny anyway), and hated it. I was much less mature than my classmates.

I look at it this way - what harm is it to start college one year older. That year could make all the difference. I think timing is the key. If you wait later than K to hold back (or maybe even in K), the child realizes it and it can cause emotional trauma. SAmantha did not notice because 1) she was young and 2) we switched schools.

djmdj · 01-13-2006, 06:07 PM

All of mine are older.

My mother taught 2nd grade for 30 years. She said that she never had one parent regret keeping kids out an extra year, but probably 1/2 regret sending their kids early.

Our cut-off is September 30 to be 5.

Dd has a December birthday, so he had 8 months to be 5 before he started school.

Dd has a June birthday. She was 6 for six weeks when she started school.

Ds has an October birthday. He was 5 for 10 months when he started school.

I looked ahead as well. They will all be 18 many, many months before they start college.

sbdonahue · 01-16-2006, 01:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flamboozle

My son Eli is the youngest in his class. We have a lot of family pressure to hold him back and I am not quite sure what to do.

I am going to offer you two perspectives. First my own personal situation. I am a November baby and my mom chose to put me into Kindergarten when I was 4 turning 5. My father is a bonifide genius and they had thoroughly assessed me and determined I was functioning above normal for my age. So off to school I went and I did excellent, never had any issues socially or academically. Then I hit junior high. Looking back now I curse my mother for making her decision LOL! It was never a factor of COULD I do the work, it was more of a maturity thing for me. Seventh grade was the first time that I actually felt different than my classmates. I had a more difficult time focusing during classes when I needed to take notes. Study skills were more difficult for me to grasp. I did struggle with those types of things all the way through highschool. I always felt one step behind but couldn't quite figure out why. I went to college and bombed my first year. I just wasn't ready! I took a year off and worked two jobs and then went back. What a difference that one year made!

Second, I teach third grade. This year I have a very young class. There are lots of "ber" birthdays and it does make a difference! There is so much going on in third grade--they go from lots of whole group instruction to lots of small group stuff where they need to be able to be independent and responsible without all the hand holding and constant monitoring. That can be very hard if you are on the younger side of the class. I held two children back last year based on maturity and the fact that because of age, their brains just weren't were they needed to be to grasp onto some very important concepts. You have to factor in that kids are taught specific skills in certain grades and if your child's brain is not developmentally ready due to his age then he might miss out and he won't get the skill retaught until a late time.

My two cents...give him the extra year. It will not hurt him but will only better him. A year can truly make a huge difference. For me I know it would have!

*My son is a September baby and he'll be starting when he is six, not five.

kimberlee · 02-11-2006, 11:25 AM

Isaac has a December birthday and will be one of the oldest in his class.

freedomlover · 02-11-2006, 12:13 PM

my oldest was just 5 when he started K. Every teacher and student loves him.

In middle school, going from an elementary school of 500 to a middle school of 1000, he nearly had a nervous breakdown (he was sensitive to being vulnerable to bigger kids). I had a major problem dealing with his crisis!

My middle child was 5 1/2 when she went to K. She has had no problems....again every teacher and student loves her. Middle school, no problem (yet)

My youngest (mid Sept. child) was eligible to begin K this year. I decided, with my problems with his brother starting middle school, I would let him mature emotionally a bit more to have more life experience behind him when he goes to middle school and high school. He is having the most wonderful time this year just being a preschool kid!

In the Early Childhood world keeping a fall child from school another year is not called holding him back but "giving him the gift of a year!"