amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

lupineperriwink · 07-28-2005, 06:29 PM

I'm crossposting this in the other age forums as well.
I was talking to my Mom this week and she was telling me about a little girl she used to watch. Apparently the parents never said "no" to her. Instead they would say something like "Elia, if you climb the bookshelf it will fall on you and you will be hurt."
So, how the heck does this work? I mean, that is the example that my Mom gave me and it sounded dangerous to me (Elia was 3 at the time). Maya is at the stage where she will repeatedly ask something, even after I give her an answer and I am sick of saying no. I was thinking that if I used this approach it may help me be a bit more tollerant and slow down before yelling at her.

Barb · 07-28-2005, 06:44 PM

Everything I've been taught and read does indicate that the word no is overused and loses its meaning. Plus it doesn't teach them WHY they shouldn't do something.

So instead of saying no everytime zoey would try to eat the dog food at 10mos old we'd say "doggies food. lets get zoey some food" and we'd redirect her to human food.
With roman, he's a climber now at age 2 - I'd be saying 'no" all day but instead we do say things like "climbing is for the fort, not for the bookcase cuz it will fall and give you big owies".

With repeated asking and 3yo's - i have a boy I watch this age. He'll ask "may I have some chips". If the answer is no I'll usually say (to all the kids) "we aren't having chips today, we're having apple slices with our sandwhiches". If he asks again I usually ask him the question "what did I already tell you about chips" and he'll say "you said we're not having chips today" and I tell him how smart he is for remembering

Every child is different, but I think we do overuse the word no and me and dh (and teen dd) are working really hard and using other words and explaining why something is dangerous, or why we're not doing something instead of just "no" or the ultimate becoming my own mother "because I said so"

Examples.
zoey: can we make a project
me : yes, after roman goes to sleep (instead of no, not right now) because he will try to eat and throw the beads/glue etc

roman is climbing the bookshelf
me helping him down saying :bookshelves aren't for climbing, it might fall and hurt you! do you want to climb? then lets go climb outside on the fort

someone is throwing a toy
me: Toys hurt if you get hit with one so lets not throw them. If you want to throw things, lets go get a ball and we can throw the ball to each other

I mean there are a million ways to play it. I think its much easier then no, cuz 'no' sets you up for repeated asking.
child : can we go outside?
you: no
child : please can we go outside?
you: i said no
child : but i want to go outside
you: i said NO!
or....
child : can we go outside
you : after dinner when its not so hot outside we'll go out and water the garden and play in the fort but its so very hot out we'd better pick something else to do. What could we do really fun inside?
then the child can pick a different activity, kwim?

does any of this help? lol

Mama2miracles · 07-28-2005, 07:09 PM

Well "No" is overused - but with a lot of children - that explaination you gave would be WAY too many words. That stuff worked with my very verbal oldest - but Maddy only could handle maybe 2 words at a time for the longest time.

So we would do like Hippiemama said "doggies food" "DADDY's wallet" "give to mommy", "Melissa's marker"- though we do use no but it's very easy to overuse. For outside dangerous things - I"ve taught my kids STOP! So if they are running into the street - I wouldn't yell "NO" but "STOP". This is pretty easy to practice by playing "stop. GO. " at home as a game.

Mama2miracles · 07-28-2005, 07:10 PM

Oh and on asking over and over - I will say "No once and tell them why" After that - I will say "What did I tell you before? Because I didn't change my mind".

lupineperriwink · 07-28-2005, 07:12 PM

I guess I don't say no as much as I thought, I really should have worded that better. I always tell Maya why and she does ask me repeatedly or repeat what I have told her. I like your examples though! I think I need to work more on patience.

lupineperriwink · 07-28-2005, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mama2miracles

Oh and on asking over and over - I will say "No once and tell them why" After that - I will say "What did I tell you before? Because I didn't change my mind".

OMG! It's my Mom

beanandpumpkin · 08-07-2005, 06:51 PM

I TRY to say "yes, later" to requests, or something like that. If it's a definite "no" though, I say "no, here's why." If they continue to ask over and over, I say "I am not going to change my mind. Please stop asking." If that doesn't work, I say "I am not talking about this any longer, if you would like to talk about it more, you can talk to yourself about it in your room."

Not very democratic, I suppose, but my house is not a democracy.

heather4285 · 08-24-2005, 09:18 AM

i have a 3 YO and a 4 YO (and one that is 8) and we do tell them no. but i also try to give them reasons and i try not to just say no no no no. they do know the word and what it means.

they also know that when it is appropriate, they get an explanation.

my dad told me once that when we were little, his first answer was always no. he had no idea why. he would say no and then think about it and realize it would have been ok to say yes. then he would go back on his word which led to lots of confusion. i def. don't do that.

KD · 08-25-2005, 02:17 AM

I think when DS (5yo) was younger we used no and then would explain. Once he was able to understand we started just explaining. Not that either works with him sometimes.. LOL!

My aunt *never* used no unless it was an emergency. That said I won't tell you how my cousin turned out

EmoMom · 08-27-2005, 01:37 AM

I wish I *could* come up with an explanation that quickly. But I'm afraid I can't really "think on my feet" in a situation where a bookshelf could fall on someon and come up with a clever reasoning instead. "No" is so much more to the point.

MotherMoon · 08-30-2005, 02:16 PM

For us, everything is negotiable. No is rarely used. And, because of that, it is much more effective. NO the bookcase is falling! No, there is a car! We discuss everything. I feel they need a lot of say in their lives. So, they have it. In the end, it makes like much easier. They rarely pester me because they know in the end we negotiated to the satisfaction of all involved.