Okay, I'm sure many of you feel fulfilled as a SAHM (please, let me first say that I think SAHMhood is the most important job and that it is incredibly difficult - hence the reason for my help post), but this is day 2 of my SAHMhood (since I went back to work when my dd was 14 months).
I'm bored and lonely and so not fulfilled. It feels like I'm not doing a good job and that I'm bored and miss the sense of daily accomplishment I had at the end of every day when I was at work (yes, I know SAHMs accomplish an WHOLE lot everyday, but it isn't as if I can say, kitchen clean, check! and not have to worry about it just 5 minutes later) and it feels as if her school does such a better job with her than I do.
I'm trying to develop a routine. I'm trying to ensure that the television doesn't come on once during the school/work week, I'm trying to have my focus be on her and the house (i.e., motherhood and homemakerhood).
Here's my past one and a half day. Tell me what I'm doing wrong:
Wednesday:
7-8 up/dress/breakfast/clean up kitchen after breakfast
8-9 Lauren walk (i.e., a walk about her enjoying the outdoors, not about me getting exercise - so we take it at her pace and look at snails and rocks and bunnies, etc.)
9-10 grocery shopping
get home at 10, put groceries away and get ready to go to see Madagascar (was going to wait until Friday, but it's something that I wanted to take my girlie to and I don't know from day to day when I'm going into labor, so I'm doing now what I want to do before the baby)
11-2 Madagascar and post office
she falls asleep in the car the last - literally - 30 seconds of the drive home so she won't nap
2-3 quiet time in her room (not so quiet, but she was happy)
3-4 craft project making wood bead necklaces (used counting, colors, stringing)
4-5 she has free play, I make dinner and tidy up main floor
5-6 dh home, we have dinner
Thursday
6:30-8 up/dress/breakfast/clean kitchen
8-9 outdoor play and I weed for much of it
9-10 Lauren walk
10 snack time
10:30-11:30 she has free play, I write thank you cards and organize her play area
11:30 lunch and clean up
12-? she is supposed to be having quiet/nap time, but is clearly playing
Okay, part of my frustration is that she is clearly testing my limits. She hasn't been home full-time with me in almost two years. She behaves very well at school. Puts her toys away when finished. Eats without having to play at the same time. etc.
With me she won't put her toys away (until I threaten to throw them away - something I'd actually like to do with about half of them) and has to play while eating. I know how to address those behaviors but I just feel unhappy and mean (I don't yell at her or spank her or even really time her out).
I love my girl and I do think that it is a wonderful opportunity for me to be able to stay home most days now (I'll go back to work 2 days/week when babe is 3 months - and I will not work more than 16 hours from here until my youngest goes away to college). This is what I've worked for my entire life (to be able to have a tiny part-time job that I love and pays enough to make a 16 hr week worthwhile and to mostly be home to be a SAHM). How do I make it better? I'm kind of miserable. I'd really love all the advice y'all have.
Oh, and my girlie (whom I love more than life itself) is 2 weeks from being 3.
wow your past two days went smooth...i bet you did more in those two days then some of us SAHM get done all week.as for your little girl about to turn three...she sounds right on target; like my three year old asserting his independance...toddlers can be so bull headed. anyhow goodluck;and by the way your a beautiful pregnant mama
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jessica - momma of cody 2.5 years and sunny 8 months
Thank you. Today has actually started getting better. We'll see. I'm sure we are both just having a huge adjustment period.
I want to devote all my time to her and to helping her grow, but at the same time, I get resentful that I can never do anything just for me (say, like sit down by myself for a minute or two; or sweep the floor - I'm not even talking showering).
Okay, first, Lauren has to get used to the new routine, and she has to challenge every aspect of it until it becomes routine. You probably know that, but I wanted to say it just in case. Next, three yo are major pains, and I think little girls can be more challenging at this point than little boys, because they are so sweet (stereotypes will abound). BUT, at least at my house, Phaedra (3 last Feb) is so socially aware and interested and becoming aware that if I say no to something, I will probably give her a couple of chances before I enforce it. Now, partly, she really still needs a couple of chances before she remembers what I just said, but sometimes, it's all about experimenting with what I will actually do. It annoys the p*ss out of me, and I think it's freakin hilarious.
And finally, I personally believe a 3 yo does not need to be the center of anyone's day but her own. I know as a working mom, it is easy to think you will do the same things you used to do on your days off. But now, she has you every day, and I believe our little ones benefit from being part of our day, not being the reason for our day. So, if you need to vaccuum, give her a damp cloth and let her dust, or let her sweep, or put away her laundry, or... You get the idea. Cooking is the same thing. Think of ways to include her without making the activity about her. Make sense?
As for fulfilment? Well, being a SAHM is alot like meditating, not like running a race. Everything has to be done again and again and there is no such thing as finished. So, you learn to appreciate the rhythm of your days, and you suddenly start seeing things you are normally too busy to see. For example, I know the routines of some of our backyard birds. This often gets eyerolls from my friends who are anxious to go back to work, but I believe the more attuned I am to the natural world and to the rhythms of our house, the better I can make the lives of every member of our household. My spirit has the responsibility of "holding" everyone else; it's just my job. So, I do it and I make sure I have little snippets of time for personal development, guitar, running, sewing. And, I can go on and on. I hope your day is going well.
Well, being a SAHM is alot like meditating, not like running a race. Everything has to be done again and again and there is no such thing as finished. So, you learn to appreciate the rhythm of your days, and you suddenly start seeing things you are normally too busy to see.
I think that this is key and something I need to become comfortable with. - thank you for pointing that out. My whole life I've been a "running a race" person that it's hard to not look for the milemarkers. kwim? It'll be good for me to learn to not place self-worth in that arena.
Rach, so much of what you post I *know* to be true and have spouted off to others, but gosh, it's hard for me to get adjusted to! Talk about having to now do what I've preached!
I think it'll get easier each day. It's mostly already easier (though she is currently singing during her quiet time )
LOL! Rebecca! It doesn't need to be disected, sweetie. If she is happy and you are still sane, all is well. My biggest recommendation is to make some good SAHM friends who are like-minded (it's not worth making the friends if the judge every little thing you do, kwim?). La Leche is an excellent place to meet such friends. Our LLL has a playgroup formed from it and I have made many special friends from there. I am very much of the "village" mindset, so hanging out with my mama friends and all of our kids during the day saves my life (and theirs - and the kids who would otherwise be totally bored). Your job isn't to become a kid again and entertain every minute of everyday, IMO. It's to keep her safe, healthy and happy and find little friends for her who are being raised in a similar fashion and share the same morals and boundaries. Your job is also to keep yourself safe, healthy and happy so that you can do what you need to do for her (and the new wee one). Good luck, sweet mama! have fun in your new venture and please remember that every day need not be a perfect one.
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Jo ~ mama to Jonah, 7 ; Analiyse, 6 ; Josephine, 3 and Luna, 7~5~08 ; Lover and best friend to Adrian .
Location: somewhere between complete exhaustion and utter euphoria
Posts: 5,883
I second the friends recommendation. It also takes a while to get adjusted if you have not been home and had them in child care or just apart from them daily. It took us months. Then I hit major PPD after Sam was born (nearly a year after being home) and we all had to work everything out again. I loved being home and would not have missed that time for the world.
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Michelle
-- Mom to Beth, 11 and Sam, 8
Wow, mama! you did get more done in that couple of days than i have gotten done this whole month at home! LOL! Sounds like you have such high expectations of yourself. I went to school for a long time to get two degrees and loved my job before i became a SAHM. alhough something dh and i decided we wanted more than anything, i knew it was going to be a huge change for me. i have been calling it a career change. something that i will always be growing and changing in. there's always room to be "better." at the end of my seemingly unproductive day, i can think of something i want to do a little better (less tv, better dinner, a little less mess, an errand, exercise, an important project)) tomorrow or the next day...or the next. but then i remember why i'm really at home and how many important things i've done...nursed a million times, rocked, held, kissed, napped/relaxed (so that i would be at my best for ds and dh), did my best to eat/cook something nutritious, and usually i've hung out with a friend...and this usually helps me tremendously! i highly recommend spending time with other like-minded people!
what an emotional time...don't forget! (but i guess you wrote this before you had the baby!) i have been so impressed that you are seeking advice and thinking about exercising and all of that with a baby only a couple of days old! you have a definite new adventure with 2! juliebelle (best friend) has had a huge adjustment period with a 2 yo and a newborn! you'll do great!
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Stephanie, wife to Tim (almost 9 years) and mama to Isaac (3) and Kendall (13 months)
That being said, echoing what other have said, you've gotten more done in those 1 1/2 days than I have in a week.
Regardless of your status (sahm, wohm, wahm), you just learn to appreciate your day & the schedule will evolve as you & the kids figure out what works. For us, we just do whatever we can. If something doesn't get done, so be it. If it does get done, Woo-Hoo! You just can't beat yourself up about the little things. The kids will test you & you will test them back...just the way it is. Give yourself time and give them time too. You are making a huge adjustment to being home & having a new baby & so is your dd & so is the baby. The fullfilment will find you, the loneliness will subside. It's just another evolution in the life of momma.
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Angela; fiber obsessed, bellydancing, birth obsessed army wife & sahm to Katia & Luka
And finally, I personally believe a 3 yo does not need to be the center of anyone's day but her own.
I how Rebecca doesn't mind me hijacking her thread but this really stood out because I have such a hard time with it. My house is a mess (partly because no one ever taught me how to keep house but that's a whole other issue) and I don't want Ry to grow up thinking that's acceptable. I want him to know what it looks like to run a household, I want him to appreciate his wife when she does the same.. except I'm not doing it! Too often I waste the day running errands or watching TV because I feel like I can't get any work done without him interfering. Now that I've typed that I can see that it's mainly due to my mindset. I like your ideas, I need to work on that!
Quote:
As for fulfilment? Well, being a SAHM is alot like meditating, not like running a race. Everything has to be done again and again and there is no such thing as finished.
If she is happy and you are still sane, all is well. My biggest recommendation is to make some good SAHM friends who are like-minded (it's not worth making the friends if the judge every little thing you do, kwim?). La Leche is an excellent place to meet such friends. Our LLL has a playgroup formed from it and I have made many special friends from there. I am very much of the "village" mindset, so hanging out with my mama friends and all of our kids during the day saves my life (and theirs - and the kids who would otherwise be totally bored). Your job isn't to become a kid again and entertain every minute of everyday, IMO. It's to keep her safe, healthy and happy and find little friends for her who are being raised in a similar fashion and share the same morals and boundaries. Your job is also to keep yourself safe, healthy and happy so that you can do what you need to do for her (and the new wee one). Good luck, sweet mama! have fun in your new venture and please remember that every day need not be a perfect one. 
; Analiyse, 6 
; Josephine, 3 
and Luna, 7~5~08 
; Lover and best friend to Adrian 
.
and Sam, 8 
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