amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

JeanKann · 04-11-2005, 07:22 AM

My DS has just turned 5 and each night he begins the night in his own bed (in a room shared with DD --2.5). Soon after DH and I nod off, DS comes padding in to our bed to join his best snuggler -- his daddy. I am a sleeper who needs some space (like my daughter -- the only one who stays in her own bed all night asleep!). My 6 month son is starting the night in the crib now and does his first three hours there, but seems to need mommy close after that so I'll let him join me in the big bed (but sometimes worry I'll be facing the same tough tranition in 4.5 years that his big bro is going through).

I am beginning to think that is important for him to *know* that it's okay for him to stay in his bed all night as I think it might give him more confidence. Although, I don't want to banish him completely if he really *needs* us ocassionally in the night.

Right now my DH will walk DS back to his bed once or twice in the night and stay with him while he falls asleep but more often than not DH ends up in the twin bed with him rather than returning to our bed. Or DH sleeps through DS coming in our bed and we are four in the bed by morning Admittedly, I am unable to deal with most of this as I am helping baby son in the night. But I get squeezed into a little place or have trouble falling back asleep if DS is snuggling up to me (he's getting big!).

What have others done to help their older co-sleepers learn to sleep alone? Is this worth my worry? My DS nursed until 3.5 yo and had a lot of separation anxiety when little. Now he is more independent in the day, but nighttime is another story.

Thanks for any stories, advice, suggestions you can provide. Sorry this is long....

Jean

mom2nickel · 04-11-2005, 12:24 PM

first off im new to this forum so ill intro a bit, my name is Melissa I am a 21 yr old stahm mom to Nicole who recently turned 3 and am expecting my son around June first, My Dh is in the Navy and currently finishing school so Ive yet to experience deployments. ;o)

we recently transitioned Nicole from our bed to her own and it went surprisingly very well and we havent had any trouble at all, its been a little over a week, I read this terrific book called "SuperNanny" and I followed the advice to a "T" which I believe to be why the process went so smoothly this is how it all went sorry if its long and unorganized I am going to try my best to not ramble lol....

Around 1 in the afternoon I told Nicole to help me make her bed and I moved her matress from our floor to her room and she started asking me "why am I putting her bed in there?" and she started crying a bit (guess she knew what was happeneing) I told her she is going to start sleeping in her big girl room and bed and she had a bit of a tantrum but it didnt last long and before I knew it she was gathering her stuffed animals to go to bed right then lol I told her not now but that at night time she would be sleeping there and she seemed very excited at the idea but at the same time she had boughts of crying so I guess she had extremely mixed emotions on the idea of not being in our room any longer, anyways night came, we had dinner, bathtime and story time then we told her to get any of her baby dolls she would like to sleep with and get into her bed and she just kept saying "im gonna sleep in my room cause I am a big girl!" I was so surprised at how well she adapted I was expecting night after night of screaming and tantrums but there never were any so either the timing was just right or dh and I should have tried it earlier instead of worrying she wouldnt transition earlier.

The book said that the first night you should sit right next to the bed until they fall asleep and every night after you move closer to the door until the final transition is to be sitting outside of the door with it ajar. Nicole went to the bathroom got her sippy cup of water then I told her it was night time and no more talking getting up etc... and that we would be right next to her until she fell asleep but if she kept getting up and talking we were not going to sit there with her and she understood and the night went fine she was asleep in aprox. 10 minutes she woke around 3 am crying and calling for us so right away I went to her side and told her "she is safe and we are right in the next room, it is bed time and she needs to sleep and that we love her and will be there if she needs us" I left the room and she whined for about 3 minutes but she never got outtave bed to come look for us, which really surprised me I thought for sure she would get outtave bed alot at night once she realized she was alone in her room, but she went back to sleep ??? anyways that was how the first night went.

Second night we sat further from her bed she asks me why I wasnt next to her and I just told her I am still going to be there until she falls asleep, that night went fine she didnt wake at all. third night we were sitting in the doorway and she only awoke from a night terror I went to her side and as usual she was still asleep and once the crying stopped she fell back asleep (I hate those night terrors) anyways every night since then has done fine she knows when it is bed time and that she is not allowed to get up except for the bathroom and that she is safe and we are not far away so she seems
fine, a couple of nights I stayed by her side during the night for extra comfort but now all I have to do is go in and tell her I love her and she is safe and I leave right away and she goes back to sleep.

Maybe we are lucky that the transition has gone so well I thought it was going to be torture and extremely difficult for her to adjust to, but it wasnt at all, she knows her baby brother is gonna be born soon and I have told her that he will be in my room but we will see how that goes once she actually sees for herself, hopefully she will be fine and there will be no resentment! Its strange, Im not sure if its related or not but Ive noticed major attitude improvements in Nicole since she has been in her room she is happier through the day and sleeping better at night so Im not sure if its just coincidence or not but anyways I am done rambling ;o) If you ever get the chance you should read the "supernanny" book its has the greatest advice for handling children from birth-five yrs old it has been very helpful to me! hth I know how uncomfortable it must be with a bed that crowded ;o(

JeanKann · 04-11-2005, 02:25 PM

Thanks for the response. So glad that your transition went smoothly. My son has been in his "big boy bed" for three years now -- wow. But in all that time, he has visited the big bed in mommy and daddy's room almost nightly. So maybe we're just having a long transition...

I'm new to this forum too. I am Jeannine and live in IL with my husband and three kids (5, 2.5, 6 mos). I stay home with them full time. I'm looking forward to talking with other parents of children similar ages.

MyEmilyMarie · 08-11-2005, 08:50 AM

I am new to this forum. I usually hang out in the sewing room. I live in Tallahassee, Fl with my husband and 3 yo dd and expecting another daughter Oct 31st. I work outside the home full time. DD has always slept in a family bed and I would like to transition her to her own bed soon. The problem is when I sit by her bed or even lay down with her, she NEVER goes to sleep. I have waiting 3 hours more than once and she is still awake. Finally I have to give up and put her in my bed. What can I try now?

Wendy

juliebelle · 08-11-2005, 08:57 AM

I haven't had a chance to read the replies but what we did with my daughter worked great.

As soon as she started crawling we all moved into her room. We put a queen mattress on the floor next to a twin mattress. The twin was for her and the queen was for dh and I. She was still nursing so when she'd wake I would scoot over to her bed and nurse and when she was done...I would slide back onto my bed. It was great! Everyone had all the room they needed and I never had to worry about her falling off the bed or anything.

When she night weaned dh and I left her room. She stayed in there on the twin mattress and slept there alone. A few months later we got her a full size big girl bed. She loves her bed and sleeps all by herself all night with no problems. She loves it.

This may or may not work for your older son....but might be an idea for your baby.

Momof6 · 08-11-2005, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JeanKann

What have others done to help their older co-sleepers learn to sleep alone? Is this worth my worry? My DS nursed until 3.5 yo and had a lot of separation anxiety when little. Now he is more independent in the day, but nighttime is another story.

Thanks for any stories, advice, suggestions you can provide. Sorry this is long....

Jean

Jean,

It has varied in our home depending on the child and their individual needs.

Our youngest is 6 years 2 months old. He just started the transition. His needs are so very much like our dd (who is now 12-1/2 yrs) so we are following the same method that we did with her.....after trial and error, that is!

He (our youngest) self-weaned at approx age 5 yrs. We just remodeled our bedroom a couple weeks ago and due to budget limitations, we could not afford a king size in the new mattress set that we purchased. So we moved down to a Olympic Queen which is a bit too tight for my dh, myself, and our 6 year old son.

At the time of remodeling our bedroom, we also got a room ready for our son...he was soooo excited about it but won't sleep in it alone. He'd start out in it and then end up in our bed and then I'd not get any sleep due to the overcrowding issue.

It actually was our 12-1/2 year old daughter (the one who was very much like our youngest son at this age) who suggested that we follow what we did with her. She still remembers it. So, we took her advice after she explained how she remembers feeling when we tried to put her in her own room. (she remembers being really scared and feeling alone in the world)

Here is what we are doing and it is what we did with our daugher. (the 12-1/2 year old)

We have a crib mattress. It slides under our bed. We slide it out from under the bed every night and then get out our sons blanket, pillow, and stuffed bunny. We tuck him in on that little bed which is located just next to our bed. (kind of like a trundle)

Our son won't go to sleep alone so I have to either go to bed at the same time (in the same room but not the same bed) or just stay in the room for a while and read in my bed....just so he knows I'm there while he falls asleep.

In another month, we'll move onto phase two. *lol* Our son already picked out a small spiral sized notebook and a pack of stickers. Each night that he is able to be tucked into his little "trundle" bed next to our bed without needing me to be in there until he falls asleep, he will get to put a sticker in his notebook the following morning.

After a agreed upon number of stickers, he gets to turn those stickers in for a prize of some sort. (basically good old token economy for you teachers out there!! *lol*) At first, he will only need a few stickers to obtain the prize. However, over time the number of stickers needed will increase and increase until the entire method if phased out for the trundle bed.

Then after that is all done and he is going to sleep on his own on his little trundle bed next to our bed for a while (still in the master bedoom), we will move the entire operation into his bedroom. (remember, the one we got all set up and he would not stay in it?) We plan on utilizing the sticker token economy again but will start with a different notebook and new stickers. (probably a slightly larger notebook which is symbolic of him moving into a "bigger boy bed and room") It will again start off with him only needing a couple stickers to earn the prize and continue on from there....exactly like we did before but he will be in his own big boy room. We also have a 10 gal fish tank in his big boy room that will serve as his nightlight and his "friends" so he will not be totally alone in that room. (he is the only child who does not have a near-aged sibling of the same sex to share a bedroom with)

Hope this made sense. This is basically what worked with our now 12-1/2 year old daughter (who was also a long time breastfeeder) and I think it will work with our youngest.

Our other children varied in how they moved out of the family bed. Our oldest son wanted his own space and was no problem. Our second oldest daughter (fourth oldest child in the family) was not much of a problem because she moved from our bed to sharing a bed with her sister who is just a little bit older. (therefore never really sleeping alone in a room)

Our two children with high special needs were always too disruptive for family bed to last much longer than infancy, so they moved easily without any problems to their own bed.

Hope this helps. While it is nice to have room to sleep, it is bittersweet for me as a mama seeing our last and 6th child starting to graduate out of the family bed. Before long, it will just be me and my dh in our bedroom. By that time, we'll be not too many years away from grandparenthood!! (that is, if our children choose to be parents!)

If you need a pic to "see" this...holler and I'll try to get one taken and post it here. However, I only get online every one to two days (unless I'm bidding on a auction) so it may take a day or two for me to get a pic up.

Michelle

freedomlover · 08-11-2005, 11:51 AM

That they migrate to the parental bed sometime during the night around the age of 5 still and then eventually stop doing it!

My older kids did it when they were 5 and now my youngest does it.

He falls asleep in his bed (in the room he shares with a sibling) and in the morning ....... I find him in my bed (having snuck in while I was sleeping!)

I tell him he is too big and crowds mama and hope that soon I won't find him there!

On mornings when he isn't there....I give him praise "Wow, I am so glad you stayed in your own bed so I had more room! Good job!"

Hopefully your child will stop appearing eventually too (

)

choleblack · 08-13-2005, 02:24 AM

I would first try to figure out why he's waking. Does he need a drink of water inthe night? or to use the bathroom? Is he getting cold as the temp. drops? Usually when my DD shows up in our bed (on those rare nights when she does sleep in her own room) it's because something woke her up. She wakes, does her thing and then realizes that she's alone & doesnt want to be so she comes to us.

Another option is to give your DS a little bed or "nest" in your room so that he isn't crowding you out of the bed but is still near by. a twin bed that could slide under your bed suring the day, a sleeping bag at the foot of the bed, etc. We have a papasan chair in our room that DD can use as her bed if she wants.

Honestly I think we follow a double standard by sleeping with our spouses and then expecting our kids to sleep alone. Of course the kids are going to want to sleep with their parents because the parents are sleeping together. Also anthropologically speaking, nighttime is the most dangerous time (preditors etc) so there is still a part of the human brain that feels unsafe at night & seeks the saftey of being around others. Kids may not be saying "I feel unsafe because of an ingrained primal fear of nighttime" but they show it by actively seeking the saftey of being with their parents at night.

Chole

sweet~potato · 08-17-2005, 06:26 PM

My ds is 5 and still comes into our room most nights, after falling asleep in his own bed. I have a sleeping bag for him right next to the bed and during the night he hops into it without ever waking me up. After he was about 2 yo, I was not able to sleep properly with him next to me. The sleeping bag arrangement was a pretty easy transition for him after the first few nights when he tried to sneak into bed with me. But I just kept telling him that he was getting bigger and needed to sleep in his sleeping bag now, and that I wasn't getting enough rest and was becoming a cranky mom. I held his hand while he was falling asleep those first nights too because he said he missed me. After that it was simple and we were all sleeping well again.

herc · 08-17-2005, 07:31 PM

I only have a sec to reply, but with Liam we transitioned him to a toddler bed that was between outr bed and the wall right around 2, and then to a bed in his own room right around 3. Both went flawlessly. The toddler bed was still close enough that if he woke up enough to sit up then he could crawl in bed with me, but I wan't RIGHT there. it cut down on night waking tremendously!