amitymamaThe Attachment Parenting Community

MamaNurse · 01-31-2005, 03:49 AM

DH and I would really, really appreciate any suggestions or BTDT stories.

Here's our story.

A few days ago, I was laying in bed w/Spencer and before we fell asleep, I asked him if he was happy and if there was anything he was worried about. He said he thinks a lot about dying. "Every day and every night". We talked about it a bit and then both nodded off. I asked him to come talk to me when he thinks about it.

The next evening, while I was cooking dinner, he came to me sobbing and told me that when we (dh and I) die, he wants to die with us.

He doesn't want to live w/out us. Oh, I was so sad to see his tears. He has mentioned this before and cried about it. He's so scared to be alone. He tells us that he wants to live with us forever and ever and never live with anyone else. (yeah...that'll never happen.

)

So...ever since the sobbing episode the other night, he now comes to tell me several times per day: "I'm still thinking about when I'm gonna die, mama".

What do I do?????????

I can't decide if I should:

a) hold him, talk to him about, give him attention at that very moment that he comes to me (I've done this several times).

b) tell thim that everyone worries about it (done this, too. ) He seemed to feel better when I told him about his other friends who've talked to their mamas about it.

c) tell him it's okay to be scared...and then try to move on. I don't want to dwell on the issue, but don't want to ignore it, either.

d) there are tons of other options that I've done/considered.

I honestly don't know what to do. Right now, it's really on his mind. Maybe it'll just pass. I'm scared it won't. I'm worried about him. I'm scared it'll develop into some kind of obsession.

As for his personality: He's probably the most happy, easy-going child I've ever met. He is sensitive. Gets along well w/others. Doesn't pick fights, loves his friends and vice versa. He's a thinker. Always questioning, wondering, asking....pretty typical 5 yr old in that regard.

brayg · 01-31-2005, 07:48 AM

are you Christian? What helps us is to pray and to talk about God and that when you die, you aren't really gone and that you will still be there, even if he can't see you.

it's so hard to try and comfort those kinds of fears in children. My older ds is that way. Praying actually helps A LOT.

Sarahd · 01-31-2005, 08:58 AM

it is VERY normal for 5 year olds to have "interesting" thoughts on death. My first two talked about it all the time, with the oldest acting similar to yours. My youngest is now five and the other day she was in the school room singing...the death march...and then came out into the livingroom all excited about a picture she had drawn...of herself n a grave. It just seems to be something children do at this age when they are working through their thoughts on death. We haven't had much death in the family for her to be exposed to it, nor do they get exposed elsewhere, I think it is just part of the growing up process and different kids handle it in different ways. I just very gently tell them it is ok to think abut it and worry about and tell them if they have specific questions I will answer them, but for the most part, they just kind of go on their merry way after the incidents.

benNpeanutsmom · 01-31-2005, 09:14 AM

Amy, I went through this with Ben. It lasted about a month, every day he would tell me he didn't want to live without us, wanted to be with us, and would cry. Not sure of where to find any answers, I bought a book called "When Children Ask About God".

It was so bad that one day as I was bent over getting kitty litter, he burst into tears and gave me a hug in the store, "I don't want you to die, Mommy." Just cried for about 20 minutes there even with my hugging him and reassuring him.

It will pass. In the meantime get some extra hugs in.

Steph

Ankha · 01-31-2005, 09:24 AM

Same thing happened with DD when she was 5.
I addressed her concerns without dwelling on the actual dying part kwim? I told her that she had a long life to live and lots of things to do before that ever happens. I listed everything I could think of...

go to school and become a vet, doctor, pet seller astronaut etc...
be a mommy
be a grandparent
go on many many vacations, walks, trips to the store.
skydive
learn to cook
learn to fix a flat tire
learn to drive
learn to do laundry
learn to play golf

and on and on and on....
She got pretty bored with it after awhile and said "Oh, I sure have got a lot to do. I'm still a little scared though"

Then I just held her and told her it was ok to be scared and that she could alway talk to me when something is bothering her.

Finding out you aren't immortal is a hard thing.
We've talked about it many many times now and she seems to accept it somewhat better then before. Shes 6 now and still occasionally will wake me up at 2am for a long talk if shes worried.

DD was very preoccupied with death for about 6 months. Its finally waning thank goodness.

Best of luck with it! I know I've been on the verge of tears myself through some of the talks DD and I have had.

Vanity Fair · 01-31-2005, 09:48 AM

I think Morgan was the same age when she freaked me out with this kind of talk. Must be when they start realizing their mortality or something. The phase didn't last long, but I just made sure that she knew that yes, we do all pass at the end of our lives, but there's a lot of ground to cover and lots of wonderful experiences in between.

EdenAurora · 01-31-2005, 11:23 AM

My dd turned 4 in September and started doing this about a month ago. My dad gave me my old home movies to watch with the kids so they could see what I was like when I was little, LOL. Well, dd asked what happened to my Grandpa. I told her that he died. Now every once and a while she'll say that she doesn't want to die and will start crying. It makes me feel so bad. We've talked about it some and it seems to be getting better. I think it also helped that when her best friend was over the other day, her friend mentioned growing old and dying. Once dd realized her friend was ok with it, she seemed to relax a bit, yk?

~*~Seeking*Simplicity~*~ · 01-31-2005, 12:49 PM

My kids have gone through this. We found that a book called The Mountains of Tibet really helped them. I've metioned the book here many times over the years & many other moms have liked it too.
It discusses reincarnation, so if that is not something that works with your personal beliefs obviously it wont work in your situation.

MamaNurse · 01-31-2005, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by brayg
are you Christian? What helps us is to pray and to talk about God and that when you die, you aren't really gone and that you will still be there, even if he can't see you.

it's so hard to try and comfort those kinds of fears in children. My older ds is that way. Praying actually helps A LOT.

nak. yes, we are. i used it as an opportunity to teach him about heaven and we are praying about it, but so far, it hasn't helped. my guess is, it's too abstract.

thank you for your response...and hug.

Barb · 01-31-2005, 01:02 PM

its a hard time. I remember when Chelsey went thru it - also around age 5. I do believe that you have to figure out your belief system /spirituality (if you haven't yet) and share that with your children.

For us death means eternal life - so Chels was actually happy to know that her body might leave the earth but her soul would be with G-d always. And that its sad for us humans here on earth when someone dies cuz we miss them - but they are happy, pain free and living in heaven.

Zoey has asked me about my mother, and her daddys mother since both are gone and she's never met them. She knows they are dead - but in heaven with G-d and probably looking down on her and smiling big.

MamaNurse · 01-31-2005, 01:12 PM

Thanks each and every one of you for your kind words and support.

I forgot to mention a couple things:

Spencer has experienced the death of a close family member...almost 2 yrs ago. It happened when he was 3...almost 4. My great aunt was hit by a car while walking her beloved little dashound. She died...but amazingly, Toby, the dog lived and we inherited him. Now, Toby is Spencer's best friend, but he's a reminder of her death on a daily basis, yk? We have many of aunt Jane's things around the house, too.

2 other more distant family member have passed away in that time, as well.

Also, we recently moved to a new state. So his day to day social activities have been brought to a screeching hault and we're homeschooling, so he hasn't met as many new friends.

MamaNurse · 02-01-2005, 12:09 AM

MamaJosie · 02-01-2005, 12:22 AM

religious but I do have personal beliefs about the divine etc. I would suggest maybe finding a few books dealing with death geared to young kids that fit somewhat with your beliefs. There are tons on amazon. I found a couple books that I think are very helpful to young children as far as the physical cycle of nature and the concept of "lifetimes" that could work for both traditional religious, simply spiritual but not religious, or secular (for lack of a better word) folks. They are:

1)Lifetimes
by BRYAN MELLONIE
excerpts from a few reviews follow
This is a book about the rhythm of life and death for all creatures, for everything that is born. One of the best parts of the book is its emphasis on what a lifetime is, and how it is framed by birth and death, and that inbetween those "markers" is what is important. It explains that different creatures have different life spans, and that this aspect of nature is neither fair nor unfair. It simply is.

My daughter, age 4, had a lot of questions about death. She was most especially interested in finding out when her "dying day" would be. This book seemed to help her understand that everyone's lifetime is special to them. I wanted her to understand that because someone else died it doesn't mean her death is imminent. A common fear among the young.

An exquisitely illustrated and plainly written book, it speaks clearly to the children about a complicated subject. I highly recommend it for all home and school libraries for ages three and up. It should be used as part of a comprehensive set of books on biological and familial concepts as it is not meant to answer all of a child's questions on life cycles, grief, death or dying.

2)The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: 20th Aniversary Edition
by Leo Buscaglia "
Originally published in the fall of 1982, the wonderfully wise and strikingly simple story of a leaf named Freddie has become one of the most popular books of our times. How Freddie and his companion leaves change with the passing seasons, finally falling to the ground with a winter's snow, is an inspiring allegory illustrating the delicate balance between life and death.

After offering solace for a generation of adults and children alike, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf arrives in a classic edition with a beautiful new package that will appeal to today's readers at a time when stories of comfort and inspiration have become more important than ever.

amity · 02-01-2005, 06:09 AM

our little guy is still going through this on and off.

just two days ago, he said 'mama, you know i would give up my life for you'. wow. what thoughts from a 6.5 year old. he just held my hand and kept kissing it (we were in the car driving home)

i think it is a realization for them at this age... we talk about god, where i would always be, how much i love him etc.

it's hard mama, but i think the best advice i can give you is to stay calm. if he sees you get upset, it may upset him more.

it is a phase. i didnt want you to think it was abnormal!

milk42 · 02-01-2005, 07:45 AM

Hannah went through this right before she turned 5. My first reaction was to assure her that it was a long time, before her time to go to heaven came. My next reaction (that I fought) was to take her to the doctor to have her tested for any and every possible diease, because I was certain she had a sense that something was wrong and that she would be passing. Luckily, I realized it was an age-appropriate phase, and didn't call the doctor. I laugh about my impulse now, but at the time I was scared out of my mind!!

She is now 5, and the phase has passed. I think it lasted 2 months or so, from beginning to end!

Good luck, mama!