Ramblings of an Emotional Postpartum Mama. . . Listen?
Hi all,
I need to talk through some of this and just let the tears come, I think. I birthed Aaron on Saturday the 2nd, he's 5 days old today. I remember with my last baby, I started feeling really emotional and "blue" at this time and especially on his one week birthday. . .
I've been feeling emotional the last couple days, and the thought that tomorrow (Friday) is coming makes me feel even more emotional. It's because I remember how magical, uncertain it was to go into labor last Friday night and the adventures that ensued. Goodness I am being sentimental!
I know that much of this is hormonal. . . but here's what I feel is making me sad. . .
Like I said, just the fact that my pregnancy is over and Aaron and I aren't sharing the same space anymore. . . This is my last pregnancy and baby, so it seems really bittersweet to me. Of course if I were still pregnant right now I'd be hating life, and I know that I'm not being rational.
Also, although the birth was amazing and smooth - there was one thing that happened that I regret or at least have funny feelings about now. When I was at 9 cm, nurse and ob suggested breaking my water to speed things up a bit to the pushing stage. At the time I just wanted it to be OVER. . . I was hesitant, but dh and I finally decided to go for it. We prayed and felt at peace with it and indeed the baby came soon afterwards. Now I feel funny about it because I sort of wonder what would have happened otherwise. I sort of feel like I didn't trust my body to do what it should have.
And the adjustments to life with 3 kids is challenging. . . the older boys have been great, but I know that there are hard days coming. . .
So, how are the other pp moms doing? I know that there were lots of babies born recently. Can we cry together?
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Chenning <><
Lovin' on Dave
Christian ap mama to the amazing Matthew (6) yummy Nathan (2) and wrinklesquirm Aaron born 6/2/07.
Location: When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
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I have had very few emotional days with Logan. I was just so happy not to be pg anymore. I guess overdue babies can do that to you. But I do understand. With Cyan I got baby blues really badly. I remember being sick with mastitus, and just sitting there, crying and holding her, like she was going to disappear or die and I just didn't have anything left in me for that. This too shall pass. I have a feeling this is my last babe too, and it so very bitter sweet every time he hits a new stage. He is nearly crawling, scooting backwards on his knees and chest.... he is 4 1/2 mos today. They grow so fast and so much of it is bittersweet when you suspect this is your last one.
There are so many things that I love about having older children... and yet, each stage has it's trails and hardships. I just try to focus on the now as much as possible and that helps. Every day I notice things, I write him letters about how I am feeling (I have books and books of letters to the other two kids too), and I can go back and look at these, or their blog and see the changes they have made just over the last year or so. The notes and books that I keep really have lessened the blow of them getting bigger.
Cyan is the one I miss being a baby the most. For some reason it doesn't hurt so much for my boys to get bigger. Every year she has made me cry to watch her get bigger...
Anyway... lots of to you!!
Val
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Val; Living the dream we have been working towards for over 5 years.
Mama to Alex, Cyan, and Logan. Wife to my very best friend.
((hugs)) There are bits to each of my births that I wish went another way, or wonder what would have happened if something did or didn't happen. The feelings faded in time, I was more angry then you sound though. I hope you are feeling better today!
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Amanda mama to
Jonathon(14) Abigale(11) Victoria(5) Isabella(3) Adeline 6-5-08
Darci is just now 5 weeks old. Suprisingly, ppd didnt hit me this time. Tonight I have been bummed because dh and I decided I should get a job for atleast the summer to try and dig ourselves out of the hole we are in financially a little bit.
Its bittersweet for me because I am pretty sure Darci is our last baby and I dont want to miss a moment.
Even if a lot of moments are spent consoling her cries and bouncing her on the ball while I surf message boards.
__________________ Mom to three beautiful girls! Newest arrival Darci Ashlyn 5/7/07 10pounds 4 ounces 22 1/2" born at home! ~Godless Humanitarian who wishes she could teach the world to sing.~
Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. Mother Teresa I've been frosted!
oh mama, i totally know the pp blues. talk, talk, talk! we are here to listen -- and if it gets overwhelming, please call your hcp. ppd is very real and there is help for it.
in the meantime, another
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Life at its best...Game Day in Auburn, Alabama...Go War Eagle!
Thanks for listening, mamas - and for taking the time to reply. It really means a lot to me.
I am feeling better now. I am still not at peace with thinking about this baby as being my last - but I think that that takes a long time to accept. Dh and I are talking about either a vasectomy or getting my tubes tied - which is hard for me right now. I don't feel like there's a huge hurry, but it's kind of always on the back burner of my mind. It just seems so. . . PERMANENT. I'm guessing that it will get easier to accept as time goes by, and there are so many wonderful things about babies and children as they grow and get older and experience other things.
On the one week anniversary of Aaron's birth is when my hormones started to stabilize, I think. Now I can think about the birth without wanting to go back and "redo" parts and do them "better." I think it's the perfectionist in me who wants to have control of everything. Ah well - real life is real life - not a performance! Part of the bittersweetness, I guess, is that I have journeyed so far as a natural mama that now I'm kind of "into" birth. Sad for me to think that I won't experience it again - even though it is intense, uncomfortable - but amazing.
Location: Peace & love for all - I'm a secular humanist.
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Hugs Chenning. I've had some of those same feelings too! I'm mourning our 3rd being our last and I'm not even pregnant yet, lol. I know I'll have some baby blues about this chapter of our lives ending.
You did what you thought was best while birthing your baby. You are a strong and beautiful mother.
Hormones are funny things. I hope they continue to level out. Go easy on yourself and make sure you do something special and just for you everyday. Something as cheap as your favorite chocolate bar or box of tea, ordering in your favorite food or having Dave pick up dinner on the way home. You deserve these special things everyday.
Much love Chenning!!!!!! Congratulations Mama!!!!
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Julie, mama to 2 daughters- a and a . Lover of life when properly caffeinated.
View from our new home...from sitting on the couch~
Monica
But I do understand. With Cyan I got baby blues really badly. I remember being sick with mastitus, and just sitting there, crying and holding her, like she was going to disappear or die and I just didn't have anything left in me for that. 
Mom to three beautiful girls! Newest arrival Darci Ashlyn 5/7/07 10pounds 4 ounces 22 1/2" born at home! ~Godless Humanitarian who wishes she could teach the world to sing.~
oh mama, i totally know the pp blues. talk, talk, talk! we are here to listen 
and a 
. Lover of life when properly caffeinated.
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