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A hitting phase -- how to cope?
Up until the last few weeks, DS (almost 4) has rarely had problems with inappropriate physical actions -- hitting, kicking, etc. However, the past two weeks he has started doing these things -- either to his little sister or to us. Yesterday was a very hard day and I did not cope well -- resorted to yelling and I eventually had to just go in my room to get away from kids for a few minutes. We don't spank -- so that's not an option. I think time-outs are ok, but I feel they can be over used AND I feel we are now over using them. We generally put things in positive terms -- "we touch nicely" or "we are kind to people" but now that DS is older these phrases don't seem to be working.
I do know part of what is going on is that DS is understimulated. Whereas we often have activities and go places, we have been staying at home much more -- and even at home both DH and I have had less time/attention for our children. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm being honest. DH has had some huge work stress the past few weeks, requiring him to put in a lot of hours. Though *most* of those hours don't impact DS (i.e. DH works from home in the evenings after DS has gone to bed), DH is just less available than normal -- both physically and emotionally (he is in stress mode). DH is a GREAT father -- very involved with our kids. He is probably more prone to yelling than I am. He also seems at loss for how to deal with this pretty sudden, difficult behavior. As for my part, I have had quite a bit of physical illness that has impacted my energy level and mood. I am starting to feel better today, but I have been pretty sick for two weeks. Because of feeling so terrible, I haven't been getting out of the house much. Both kids and are I are going crazy.
I know just giving DS more attention overall -- especially when he's behaving well -- is definitely an important factor here. Beyond that, I am having a lot of problems coping with what to do when DS hits/kicks. A lot of it is sort of "testing." An example: He will come up to me and sort of hit/slap my shoulder several times. I'll tell him we don't hit or that we touch gently. He will lightly "touch" (something more than a touch but not quite a hit) me. I feel that as soon as he hits, then he should have a negative consequence...but I'm at loss for the consequence. Like I said, we've been using time-outs so much. It broke my heart yesterday when I did something DS didn't like and he crossly said, "Mom, that wasn't nice! You need to go to your room and have a time-out!"
Finally, this behavior (the physical acting out) has been expanding the past few days to include verbal acting out -- saying mean phrases, etc. I think both the physical and verbal acting out are related to attention seeking -- and as I've said we are working toward giving him more attention BUT I do feel DS is needing/wanting boundaries and I am just so stuck. Usually I will read a book or something to get some ideas, but my time is so pulled and I need to focus as much on DS as possible.
I do know that as I start to feel better physically and DH's work is less intense, we will be able to give our children more attention. I feel so awful saying this -- it sounds as if we are ignoring our children and that is not the case. We are just not maintaining the level of attention/activities/etc that we usually do.
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~Rondi~
Wife to Rich. Mama to 8 year old Elisha (aka Mr. Memory); 6 year old Chloe (aka a real life Diva) and 4 year old Jadon Jack (aka Mr Messy)
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