An awesome article!!!
http://home.attbi.com/~gmcgurn/praise.htm
Praise, Encouragement and Non Judgemental Noticing
l. PRAISE: In order for praise to be effective it must be honest. It must be present tense. And it must be specific. Let’s say you saw your son sharing a cookie with his kid brother at 9:00 a.m.. You judge this behavior as OK. Then you say it. "Kevin you are such a good boy." What you don’t know is that at 8:00 a.m. this same "good boy" had sneaked into his kid sister’s room, stolen $5.00 from her piggy bank and threatened to knock her teeth out if she told on him.
Did Kevin deserve praise for sharing the cookie with his kid brother? Was Kevin really a "Good boy?" Was Kevin really a "bad boy?" How do you think Kevin felt hearing his Mom call him a "good boy" when he knew that he had just stolen money from his sister? "Good" and "bad" are so general that they are ineffective for praise and for criticism. If Kevin’s Mom had said "It makes me feel proud when I see you sharing." Kevin could have accepted that specific praise because it had nothing to do with stealing money from his sister and it was very specific and present tense.
Praise must also be honest to be effective. A mother I worked with told me she had received too much criticism and too little praise from her parents so she made sure her child received more praise and less criticism.. When her daughter brought an excellent paper home from school she would say "That paper is excellent." The next day when she brought home an average paper Mom would say "That paper is excellent." The next day when she brought home a very poor paper Mom would say "That paper is excellent." And then the next day when she again brought home an excellent paper more would again say "That paper is excellent." But by then what had happened to the power of the word "excellent?" Kids know when you are being honest.
2. ENCOURAGEMENT: Praise is usually given at the completion of a product or activity. Encouragement on the other hand is usually given during the process of the making of a product or during an activity. Encouragement can be so important in helping a child get to the end of a task. You can encourage initiative: "Terrific. You started all by yourself. I love to see initiative." You can encourage perseverance: "This is great. The work was really tough but you stuck with it for 30 minutes. That’s what we call perseverance." You can encourage independence: "You didn’t know how to spell that word so you looked it up in the dictionary all by yourself." You can encourage responsibility: " You want your paper to be the best so you are double checking everything." You can encourage creativity:" "In all my years I have never seen it done this way. This is so creative." You can encourage enthusiasm: "Wow, I can see you really enjoy this work. That smile says it all." Even if a child doesn’t complete a task and doesn’t deserve praise for a finished product you can still give the child encouragement during the process of the task.
3. NON-JUDGMENTAL NOTICING: When I worked in the schools I used to walk through the classrooms each day and talk with the students. I thought I was giving them a lot of praise But I began to see that I didn’t judge them. I just noticed them without judgment. When someone had a new haircut I would say "Someone has a new haircut." And then I would wait for the response. Sometimes the child would turn and smile. Sometimes the child would turn and say "And I hate it." Either way I was able to respond at their feeling level. After a while the students knew I was not judging but was just noticing so they felt safe sharing their ideas, feelings and activities with me.
Within the family non-judgmental noticing can be a very simple and safe technique for reinforcing behavior. When you see something you like you don’t have to judge it. You just have to say that you have noticed it. Noticing usually has the same effect that praise has. But you don’t get in the position of being a judge. "While I was out somebody washed the dishes." "I see that you’ve cleaned your room." "I notice that you’re spending extra time on our homework."
A few months ago I was baby-sitting my grandson, Kyle, and as we were walking up the stairs I was thinking of something else and not noticing his recently acquired skill of climbing the stairs while holding on to the handrail. He noticed that I had not noticed. Halfway up the stairs he looked at me and said: "Good job, Kyle."
As parents we are constantly put in a position where we are playing the powerful judge sending out judgments of "I like this" or "I don’t like that." After a while people become resentful of one person constantly judging their feelings, ideas and their actions. Effective families tend to communicate with less judging, less labeling, less criticism, less advice and much more safe, non-judgmental noticing.