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I think one of the most helpful things someone said to me once regarding nursing a toddler was she reminded me that its a nursing 'relationship' and that in a relationship there should be give and take. I think it is going to be imperative that you create some form of a schedule and/or communication about when nursing can happen and when nursing can not happen before you can start working down nursing if you want something gentle to take place. Basically what I'm saying is that you child is 'very smart for her age, and understands everything that is said or goes on' then she is definitely old enough to learn how to wait before she gets what she wants without resorting to 'she goes crazy. She screams at me and cries and hits/ kicks/ bites out of anger if I don't let her nurse when she wants to'.
I know my kids do really well with big pictoral charts and timers whenever we are trying to establish a new order about something. For your situation and her age I'd do one of two things or a combination of the two to try first. The first which I'm fairly sure should work is get a timer. Throughout the day when she asks for something I would tell her 'ok, mommy says yes but lets wait just a minute' then make a big show of setting that timer for say....1 minute.....and then sit together watching it till it dings. Then make a big exciting to do about going and doing the thing (getting a snack, a drink, watching a movie, a special toy, whatever). I wouldn't do it for everything but just intermittently through the day (aka like maybe 5 points in the day) and none of them should be nursing points the first day or so (or until she can handle the waiting aspect), keep nursing as normal. Then one day go ahead and start doing it before nursing once, she should have the concept of waiting and she shouldn't feel a frantic frenzy of panic because she knows its coming.
I know that at that age with my nurslings I felt like I was going crazy. All my kids went from around the clock newborn nursers to a nice comfortable relationship and then as toddlerhood progressed they started nursing like newborns again- around the clock but also very pushy. When someone reminded me about the relationship in nursing relationship it reminded me to be teaching even my young nursling to say please, thank you, and how to wait when waiting was needed. I can feel for the child that desperately needs on an emotional level the comfort of nursing and is suddenly being told no- the panicky response is expected. I had to start really seeking out my child at the points of the day that I would prefer the nursing to take place (aka first thing in the morning, naptime, bedtime) and be joyful about nursing them so they would love those times the most, and soon enough I found that my attitude was changing and so was there. I was actually meeting their emotional needs better when my emotions were appropriately engaged and they were easing into a reliable pattern that eliminated my frustration with around the clock nursing snacks. In my case the change in attitude and frequency put me in a happy place with our nursing relationship to where I was comfortable with going on for a bit longer and when natural weaning happened it was again mutual and gentle. If you find you are still needing to wean for one reason or another then getting into a pattern and letting her know how to hold up her end of the 'relationship' will make this process more gentle like you want and the pattern is easier to tweak than not having a pattern to work with.
Hope that helps some,
Sarah
*Btw, I mentioned 1 or 2 things but then didn't mention the second idea and thats because this post got really long and the other idea involves a big chart which I'm unsure about whether the age of your child will go for or not. I think the timer is your best bet to start with to teach a bit of patience without yelling, hitting, biting and screaming. After you've got that going for you then you can integrate the chart, if needed, to create set times during the day that are nursing times. I'll elaborate if requested but I don't know if what I've written so far is helpful so I'll wait.
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